Those Who Throw Dirt Are Sure To Lose Ground.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Pun day again.

How did you get the week in without them?

It’s not easy, but you’ve made it and well done.

Here is the latest batch of the word play specials.

As always, enjoy!

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When the human cannonball retired they couldn’t

find a replacement of the right caliber.

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Wow my breakfast seems to have had a

really positive psychological effect on me!

Maybe it was that Freud egg I had for breakfast…..

I feel so Jung at heart?

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He tried to find a bunch of bananas at the supermarket,

but it turned out to be a fruitless search.

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Could you call a chicken led rebellion a coop d’etat?

Call that a yolk?

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Did you hear about the frog who parked at fire hydrant

– the cops came along and toad him away…

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Did you hear about the Dentist and Manicurist who got married?

They fought tooth and nail!!

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It wasn’t that he had anything against French football,

he just didn’t like Toulouse

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Teaching your kids in the heat of the moment

is bad heir-conditioning.

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There has to be a repair shop

for baroque musical instruments.

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“You can whip our cream

but you can’t beat our milk,”

said the farmer.

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This is just bang out of order!

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Somebody called me ‘pretentious’ the other day.

Well, I nearly choked on my tall soy carmel machiato latte

with no foam and extra extra (sweet and low)..

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The wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

Boy! Did she hit the roof.

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I phoned my work this morning and said,

“Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.”

He said,

“You have a wee cough?”

I said,

“Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!”

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I got arrested for shoplifting in the supermarket today.

I paid for six cans of Sprite at the checkout,

but when security checked my bag

he discovered I’d picked seven up.

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I just got ripped off by a Chinese guy.

This pan he sold me doesn’t fly at all.

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We had another row last night,

the underlying message being that my

“sense of direction was causing huge problems in the relationship”.

Eventually, tired and frustrated, I stood up,

packed my things and right.

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I’m nervous and excited about the new

job I start at a restaurant tomorrow.

I just can’t wait.

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Did you here about the Taxidermist who was mugged?

He fought off his attacker with his bear hands.

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I saw a guy stacking shelves at the supermarket

complaining because the top shelf was broken,

and he couldn’t keep it up.

I think he had a wrecked aisle dysfunction.

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Blunt Knives Are Pointless

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Blunt knives may be pointless, but let’s hope these puns aren’t.

Here we go with another selection of the word play bad jokes.

Enjoy.

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He drove his expensive car into a tree

and found out how the Mercedes bends.

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When two egotists meet,

it’s an I for an I.

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I don’t know why the chicken did it

but crossing the road was poultry in motion.

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I was walking down the street today when this hippie jumped

out of nowhere and shoved a joss stick in my face.

I was incensed!

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When I was a kid I wanted to be a history teacher

but when I got older I realized there was no future in it.

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One of the girls at the local S&M club had a birthday last week.

We had a whip round for her.

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73% of women buy clothes but never wear them.

I’d like to meet those women.

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The other week I made a joke about Alzheimer’s live on TV.

You should have seen the envelopes I got.

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I hate germ warfare.

It gets right on my nerves.

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The President says that terrorism poses a threat to every single person in the USA.

That doesn’t bother me – I got married last week.

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A jumper cable walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

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I used to hunt seals in my youth.
I’m getting a bit old for the club scene now.

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Old McDonald had a farm.

Sang the cheery repossession man

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Don’t take life too seriously;

No one gets out alive.

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More Dumb Quiz Show Answers

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I thought we were coming to an end of these, but it seems there are still a few more intellectual gems to be discovered.

Have a look at this latest selection from the quiz show contestants who should have stayed at home.

Enjoy.

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Q:  In botany, what is the scientific term for a plant that lives for more than two years?

A:  A tree

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Q:  What “E” is the world’s highest mountain?

A:  Everglades

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Q:  George Bernard Shaw called this condition “the greatest of evils and the worst of crimes.”

A:  What is marriage?

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Q:  Name a country in South America

A:  Africa

A:  Rio De Janeiro

A:  Spain

A:  Fiji

A:  Armenia

A:  Saudi Arabia

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Q:  Name something you squeeze

A:  Peanut butter

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Q:  Name a planet you recognize just by looking at a picture of it

A:  The Moon

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Q:  Name something you often misplace in your car

A:  Steering wheel

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Q:  Besides an airplane, name something man-made that flies

A:  A jet

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Q:  Name something that doesn’t work without water

A:  Ice cream cone

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Q:  Name a noisy bird

A:  Chipmunk

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Q:  Name something a duck and a chicken have in common

A:  They quack

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Q:  Name a happy occasion where you feel a little let down when it’s over

A:  Funeral

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Q:  Name a male dancer

A:  Betty Grable

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Q:  The birthday that men dread the most

A:  Their wife’s

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Q:  Name a children’s story about an animal

A:  David and Goliath

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Q:  Something that’s murder to clean up when you spill it           

A:  Blood

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Q:  Name a measurement of time

A:  Watch

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Q:  Something associated with Cuba

A:  It’s in South America

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Q:  Name a movie with the word “King” in it

A:  King Dracula

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CLASSIFIED: For Your Eyes Only, Part Fourteen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Time for a few more examples of the intellectualy challenged making life a bit more difficult for themselves than it should be.

Think that advertising your stuff for sale is easy? Nope, not for everyone.

Read on and enjoy.

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And finally for today, the sad case of Mr R D Jones and Mrs Kelly whose happy relationship was destroyed by the idiots in his newspaper classified ads section….

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Stupid Politicians And Bureaucrats Make What? Yes, That’s Right – Stupid Laws

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There has to be a little bit of truth at least in the saying that you get the politicians you deserve. If you vote for morons then I’m afraid the odds are that you’ll get stupid laws, rules and regulations.

It’s a worldwide disease, but here is a continuation from last Wednesday of some of the lesser known laws that govern the good citizens in the United States (listed by state alphabetically, last week we covered A to L, this week it’s the M’s and N’s.).

Enjoy (or cringe, perhaps).  

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MAINE

• To stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law. (Finally a law that is half sensible.)
• Mercury thermometers may not be sold in the city.
• It is illegal to park in front of Dunkin Donuts. (Hmmm, so that’s why there’s always a cop car outside it.)

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MARYLAND

• It’s illegal to take a lion to the movies. (So dinner and a what then?)
• An establishment using a strobe light must post a warning sign for epileptics. (They might have a fit if you didn’t.)
• You may not curse inside the city limits. (WTF!)
• It is a park rule violation to be in a public park with a sleeveless shirt. (Mine has sleeves, they’re short, but it has sleeves.)
• Any person caught committing adultery is subject to a $10 fine. (Bill Clinton would probably consider that good value for money!)

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MASSACHUCETTS

• At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches. (That’s dead mean.)
• It is a crime to own an explosive golf ball.
• Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
• All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday. (That’s the only day I go to Church.)
• It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath. (Oh, oh! I usually just take a shower.)
• Selling arsenic-laced candy is subject to a $100 fine.
• A woman can not be on top in sexual activities. (Yes, men are much better – awe, come on!)
• Quakers and witches are banned.

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MICHIGAN

• Willfully destroying your old radio is prohibited.
• It is illegal for a man to scowl at his wife on Sunday.
• Seducing or debauching an unmarried woman can earn five years in jail. (Or a much longer sentence if you have to marry her!)
• It is illegal to let your pig run free in Detroit unless it has a ring in its nose. (What swine thought that one up?)
• There is a law that makes it legal for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.
• In Flint one who wears “saggy pants” can be jailed for four months. 
• A woman isn’t allowed to cut her own hair without her husband’s permission. (So can she get a hairdresser or another woman to do it?)

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MINNESOTA

• It is illegal to stand around any building without a good reason to be there. (I thought it was just supposed to be tents? You know loitering within tent?? See what I did there???)
• A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head. (That one is quackers.)
• Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head. (Are they subject to a paltry fine?)
• Red cars may not drive down Lake Street, Minnieapolis.
• Hamburgers may not be eaten on Sundays. (Hot dog!)

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MISSISSIPPI

• If one is a parent to two illegitimate children, that person will go to jail for at least one month.
• It is illegal to teach others what polygamy is.
• A man may not seduce a woman by lying, and claiming he will marry her. (Who would do a thing like that?)
• It is illegal for a male to be sexually aroused in public. (Stiff penalties no doubt!)

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MISSOURI

• It is a crime to let an unaltered jackass run at large. (I’ve forgotten, who are Missouri’s Congressional Representatives?)
• No person may own a PVC pipe. (No Blue Man Group in Missouri then.)
• It’s illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket. (Like I said before, a good night out ruined.)
• A milk man may not run while on duty. 
• It shall be unlawful to provide beer or other intoxicants to elephants.  (And, I imagine, quite expensive.)
• Minors are not allowed to purchase cap pistols, however they may buy shotguns freely. (Good law, give ‘em something that can kill people instead of just annoy them.)

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MONTANA

• One may not pretend to abuse an animal in the presence of a minor. (You mean you have to do it for real?)
• It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone. (Baaaaaaad law.)
• In Helena it is an offence to let your water sprinkler wet a passer-by. (Well really, the very idea!)
• It is a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail. (Try enforcing that one!)
• It is illegal for a man and a woman to have sex in any other position other than missionary style. (Oh boy, knowing it’s illegal makes it even better!)
• Seven or more Indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them. (Without reservations?)
• It is illegal to bring a bomb or rocket at city council proceedings.
• Worrying squirrels will not be tolerated. (You hear that Frank?)

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NEBRASKA

• If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested.
• It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license. (Straight up?)
• Doughnut holes may not be sold.
• It is illegal to do a reverse bungee jump. (Surely that’s stretching things a bit?)

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NEVADA

• It’s still “legal” to hang someone for shooting your dog on your property.
• A man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than himself at any one period during the day. (Do I hear a stampede of cheapskates heading for Nevada?)
• It is illegal to lie down on the sidewalk. (That’s okay, I usually just fall down.)
• Owning a slave is against the law. (Er… isn’t it everywhere?)

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NEW HAMPSHIRE

• On Sundays citizens may not relieve themselves while looking up. (Remember to keep your eyes shut then.)
• It is illegal to pick seaweed up off of the beach.
• Spite fences cannot be higher than five feet. (Try looking over that, shorty!)
• A law against shooting humans has been repealed. (Hands up sucker!)

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NEW JERSEY

• It is illegal to wear a bullet-proof vest while committing a murder. (But weapons are okay?)
• In Paterson it is illegal for an ice cream vendor to be annoying.
• You cannot pump your own gas. (Oh yes I can, just listen.)
• It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.
• It is against the law to “frown” at a police officer.
• You may not slurp your soup. (But it tastes nicer that way.)

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NEW MEXICO

• Nudity is allowed, provided that male genitals are covered. (Bollocks!)
• Women may walk in public topless provided they have their nipples covered. (Where’s the point?)
• It’s forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public. (Even their heads?)
• Abusing a computer is a crime.
• You may not carry a lunchbox down Main Street in Las Cruces.

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NEW YORK

• Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business. (Provided what is not being used as a business?)
• It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing “body hugging clothing”. (That’s the law lycra or not!)
• Citizens may not greet each other by “putting one’s thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers”. (Now that would just be as dumb as this law, wouldn’t it?)
• The penalty for jumping off a building is death. (I understand the gravity of this law.)
• A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.
• While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door. (Farting is permitted is it?)
• Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 PM (When else would you wear them?)

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NORTH CAROLINA

• It’s against the law to sing off key. (Thank goodness Mrs Miller is from Missouri.)
• In Transylvania County a Dalmation is deemed to be a “potentially dangerous” breed of dog. (Well spotted!)
• Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.
• While having sex, you must stay in the missionary position and have the shades pulled. (Now that’s a new name for them!)
• Women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.

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NORTH DAKOTA

• It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
• Beer and pretzels can’t be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
• Only US Citizens can be appointed to the Dry Pea and Lentil Council. (Naturally! What would foreigners know about such things?)
• It is legal to shoot an Indian on horseback, provided you are in a covered wagon. (How can you be on horseback and in a covered wagon at the same time?)
• One may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even for wearing a hat to a function where dancing is taking place.
• A food seller cannot be held responsible for making someone fat.

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