Those Who Throw Dirt Are Sure To Lose Ground.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Pun day again.

How did you get the week in without them?

It’s not easy, but you’ve made it and well done.

Here is the latest batch of the word play specials.

As always, enjoy!

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When the human cannonball retired they couldn’t

find a replacement of the right caliber.

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Wow my breakfast seems to have had a

really positive psychological effect on me!

Maybe it was that Freud egg I had for breakfast…..

I feel so Jung at heart?

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He tried to find a bunch of bananas at the supermarket,

but it turned out to be a fruitless search.

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Could you call a chicken led rebellion a coop d’etat?

Call that a yolk?

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Did you hear about the frog who parked at fire hydrant

– the cops came along and toad him away…

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Did you hear about the Dentist and Manicurist who got married?

They fought tooth and nail!!

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It wasn’t that he had anything against French football,

he just didn’t like Toulouse

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Teaching your kids in the heat of the moment

is bad heir-conditioning.

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There has to be a repair shop

for baroque musical instruments.

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“You can whip our cream

but you can’t beat our milk,”

said the farmer.

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This is just bang out of order!

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Somebody called me ‘pretentious’ the other day.

Well, I nearly choked on my tall soy carmel machiato latte

with no foam and extra extra (sweet and low)..

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The wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

Boy! Did she hit the roof.

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I phoned my work this morning and said,

“Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.”

He said,

“You have a wee cough?”

I said,

“Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!”

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I got arrested for shoplifting in the supermarket today.

I paid for six cans of Sprite at the checkout,

but when security checked my bag

he discovered I’d picked seven up.

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I just got ripped off by a Chinese guy.

This pan he sold me doesn’t fly at all.

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We had another row last night,

the underlying message being that my

“sense of direction was causing huge problems in the relationship”.

Eventually, tired and frustrated, I stood up,

packed my things and right.

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I’m nervous and excited about the new

job I start at a restaurant tomorrow.

I just can’t wait.

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Did you here about the Taxidermist who was mugged?

He fought off his attacker with his bear hands.

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I saw a guy stacking shelves at the supermarket

complaining because the top shelf was broken,

and he couldn’t keep it up.

I think he had a wrecked aisle dysfunction.

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Blunt Knives Are Pointless

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Blunt knives may be pointless, but let’s hope these puns aren’t.

Here we go with another selection of the word play bad jokes.

Enjoy.

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He drove his expensive car into a tree

and found out how the Mercedes bends.

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When two egotists meet,

it’s an I for an I.

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I don’t know why the chicken did it

but crossing the road was poultry in motion.

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I was walking down the street today when this hippie jumped

out of nowhere and shoved a joss stick in my face.

I was incensed!

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When I was a kid I wanted to be a history teacher

but when I got older I realized there was no future in it.

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One of the girls at the local S&M club had a birthday last week.

We had a whip round for her.

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73% of women buy clothes but never wear them.

I’d like to meet those women.

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The other week I made a joke about Alzheimer’s live on TV.

You should have seen the envelopes I got.

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I hate germ warfare.

It gets right on my nerves.

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The President says that terrorism poses a threat to every single person in the USA.

That doesn’t bother me – I got married last week.

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A jumper cable walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

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I used to hunt seals in my youth.
I’m getting a bit old for the club scene now.

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Old McDonald had a farm.

Sang the cheery repossession man

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Don’t take life too seriously;

No one gets out alive.

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Fabulously Fascinating Facts

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Today we have a selection of fabulously fascinating facts.

Grateful gentlemen readers may send a donation if they so desire.

Enjoy.

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Just twenty seconds’ worth of fuel remained when Apollo 11’s lunar module landed on the moon.

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Lemon sharks grow a new set of teeth every two weeks! They grow more than 24,000 new teeth every year!

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Los Angeles’s full name is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, LA

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A fully loaded supertanker travelling at normal speed takes a least twenty minutes to stop.

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John Wilkes Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre and was found in a warehouse. Lee Harvey Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and was found in a theatre.

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A cow produces 200 times more gas a day than a person. (Speak for yourself!)

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100 years from now Facebook will have the accounts of 500 million dead people.

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Rain has never been recorded in some parts of the Atacama Desert in Chile.

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A Koala is the only animal that has finger prints.

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The average person spends two weeks of their lives waiting for a traffic light to change.

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A Blue whale’s tongue weighs more than an elephant.

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A whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster than the speed of sound.

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There are 500,000 detectable earthquakes in the world each year.

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Back in 1924, a monkey was convicted in South bend of the crime of smoking a cigarette and sentenced to pay a $25 fine and trial costs.

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Nearly 50% of all bank robberies take place on Friday.

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Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years.

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The Sears Tower in Chicago contains enough steel to build 50,000 automobiles.

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The population of the American colonies in 1610 was 350.

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Termites outweigh humans by almost ten to one.

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Stephen Hawking was born exactly 300 years after Galileo died.

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Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 TIMES more effective than Valium. So you have a headache? GREAT!!!

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