More Stupid Signs By Stupid People For Stupid People.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Catering for the lowest common denominator in intelligence can be very frustrating for the rest of us.

But apparently stupidity has reached levels today where stupid people will hurt themselves with things that shouldn’t hurt them, if they had the wit to understand what they were and how use them properly.

Personally I think there is some merit in letting them get on with it and perhaps thereby gradually eliminating chronic stupidity from the gene pool.

In the meantime all we can do is cringe and laugh.

Here are some more.

Enjoy.

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stupidity is contageous sign

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“Not to be used as a personal flotation device.”

On a 6 x 10 inch inflatable picture frame.

 inflatable picture frame

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“Do not put in mouth.”

On a box of bottle rockets.

 bottle rockets

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“Remove plastic before eating.”

On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

 Fruit Roll-Up snack

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“Not dishwasher safe.”

On a remote control for a TV.

 remote control for a TV

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“For lifting purposes only.”

On the box for a car jack.

 car jack

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“Do not put lit candles on phone.”

On the instructions for a cordless phone.

 lit candles

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“Warning! This is not underwear!

Do not attempt to put in pants.”

On the packaging for a wristwatch.

 packaging for a wristwatch

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“Safe for use around pets.”

On a box of Arm & Hammer Cat Litter.

 Arm & Hammer Cat Litter

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“No stopping or standing.”

A sign at bus stops everywhere.

 No stopping or standing

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“Do not sit under coconut trees.”

A sign on a coconut palm in a

West Palm Beach park circa 1950.

 Do not sit under coconut trees

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“These rows reserved for parents with children.”

A sign in a church.

 parents with children

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“All cups leaving this store, whether

full or empty, must be paid for.”

A sign in a Cumberland Farms

in Hillsboro, New Hampshire.

 cups

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If It Wasn’t For Blinds It Would Be Curtains For All Of Us.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Thankfully it isn’t curtains for Pun Day either.

Here is another selection for you to….

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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I bought a herb plant today.

It’s in great condition.

It’s mint.

Mint Herb

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I missed my miniature Indian musical

instrument practice last night.

I couldn’t find a baby sitar.

indian-sitar

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Q.S.V.X.X.

The National Society

of Bad Abbreviators.

nsba-logo

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I can’t seem to get on the Lilt website.

It keeps saying it’s refreshing!

lilt_product_pack

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I went to the doctor’s today.

He said, “You’re dying.”

I said, “How do you know?”

He said, “Your eyebrows are a different color.”

Alistair Darling

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Have you ever wondered what

happened to the first Timbuk?

Timbuktu

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Saw a man this morning wheel spinning in the snow

not really getting anywhere. He was furious.

Shouting, swearing, going absolutely mental.

He needs to get a grip, I thought to myself.

car wheels spinning in snow

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I was almost late for my Cocaine Awareness lecture.

Talk about cutting it fine.

cocaine awareness lecture

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Know who I blame for the rise of drugs in schools?

The supply teachers.

selling drugs in schools

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Nine of my mum’s sisters have been standing

outside the Church all night holding candles.

You can’t beat vigil aunties.

ChurchCandles

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I’ve just bought a new sub-zero refrigerator.

How cool is that?

sub-zero refrigerator

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I went to an Italian restaurant

and they had spaghetti on the menu.

So I had to call the waiter to wipe it off.

spaghetti on the menu

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I never apologize.

I’m sorry,

but that’s just the way I am.

sorry

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My therapist isn’t being very supportive

because she thinks I’m never going to be able

to stop exposing myself to women.

Well I’ll show her.

Flasher

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My boss asked me to find him a bulldog clip today.

So I emailed him a YouTube video of one riding a skateboard.

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My New Year Resolutions!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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First of all a Very Happy New Year to the readers of my blog, and to everyone who visited during 2013 a big “THANK YOU”.

Whether you are a regular visitor or just called in today on the off chance you are more than welcome and I hope you will continue to visit through 2014.

Today I thought I would share with you my New Year Resolutions for 2014.  

I hope you like them. I think I will be more successful keeping this lot than I have been other years.

Enjoy!

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New Year Resolutions 2014

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1. First and foremost, I won’t be tempted to relocate to Detroit.

Sure the house in the email is only a dollar,

but it’s a fixer upper and I haven’t got the time.

DetroitAbandonedHouse

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2. I resolve never to jump off a bridge or other high place

with my only my ankles secured with a big rubber band.

bungee jumper shits himself

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3. I will refrain from putting partially eaten cartons

of ice cream back into the refrigerator,

I will finish them instead.

ice-cream-container-empty

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4. Every time my wife asks

“Does this dress make my ass look fat”,

I will reply “Of course not, darling.”

Last year’s answer of

“No darling, the dress is beautiful, you’ve just got a fat ass”

was apparently unacceptable.

fat ass

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5. I will not take a laxative and a sleeping pill

on the same night.

never_take_a_sleeping_pill_and_a_laxative_together

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6. I will use more deodorant and do less laundry,

unless I lapse and forget resolution #5.

perspiring

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7. I will try to figure out why I “really” need nine e-mail addresses

and try to cut it down to six or seven.

EmailAddressTab-orig

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8. When I hear a funny joke I will stop replying,

“LOL… LOL!”

LOL

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9. This year I promise to buy my lottery tickets at a luckier store,

last year’s was hopeless.

buying lottery ticket

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10. I will never again eat more than two mangoes

before going to Church or other public function.

fart-in-church

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11. Too much exercise is bad for your health, it can even kill you,

just look how many joggers keel over and die.

I will try to keep it to a minimum this year.

tiredjogger

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12. I will stop trying every January to cut out delicious meals

and eat bits of cardboard and birdseed instead.

It never works anyhow and that joke my wife does

with putting newspaper below my chair in the office is just old.

health food

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13. Work less and take it easy will be the order of the day – every day.

After all, all work and no play can make you a dull boy

and I don’t want to be a dull boy.

couch-potato

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14. I will stop considering other people’s feelings

when they so obviously don’t consider mine

– from here on in I’ll tell it like it is!

Mr_Angry

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15. I will start to do what my mother always told me and wear clean underwear,

“just in case I get knocked down by a bus”,

even though I know if I see a bus hurtling towards me

and I can’t get out of the way

the first thing I am going to do is sh*t myself.

hit-by-bus

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16. I will definitely try to stop saying,

“Oooh, mama that feels soooo good”

whenever the security guys frisk me at airports.

airport search

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17. I will draw up a list of people who were nasty to me in the past year,

and get my own back on them during the next 12 months!

It will be fun trying anyway.

list

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18. After what happened in New York

I will always remind the wife

to “check for paper”

before and after leaving a public restroom.

check for paper

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19. I’m going to scrap all my “To Do” lists this year

and start writing “Won’t Get This Done Today” lists.

There should be a greater sense of achievement at the end of each day.

to do list

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20. And finally,

I will not sit at the computer all the time.

I will try to stand while I type

for at least fifteen minutes a day.

standing typing

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I really think I can do it this year. Wish me luck!

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The Ultimate Signs From The Churches

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Today we have the final selection in our look at some Church signs that went the way of the failed classifieds.

See if you can pick out the ones that didn’t quite turn out as the author probably intended.

Enjoy.

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church_methodistmarquais

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church_myspaceinheaven.

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church_newprospectchurch.

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church_noacinhell.

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church_noahandthe2mosquitoes.

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church_obamasign16.

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church_ohgod.

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church_onyourknees.

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church_prepareforyourfinals.

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church_readthebibleuser.

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church_santadiedfornobody.

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church_somequestions.

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church_spiritualfruitfornuts.

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church_stjopsephsign.

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church_stolenbible.

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church_stopdropandroll.

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church_swallowingpride.

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church_turnoffthycellphone.

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churchsignsnow.

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church_thekingwhoridesadonkey.

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church_thetonguecanslip

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church_thevirginmary

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More Signs From The Church

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Today another selection of signs from various Churches that didn’t turn out to be s heavenly as perhaps intended, but some of them quite clever too! (But not the first one though, they couldn’t even spell Church!)

Enjoy.

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church_forgiveyourenemies

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church_godshownofavoritism

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church_godslastname400

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church_havefaithlifted

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church_howwillyouspendeternity

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church_ifevolution

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church_ifyourreligion

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church_Ihatethischurch

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church_Ikissedagirl

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church_imaginehell

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church_letmebetheperson

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church_lookingforasignfrojmGod

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church_loosetongue

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church_makingholywater

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church_mandatoryrectalprobe

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church_lipsthattouchliquor

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Signs From The Church

 “Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A slight break from the classic classified ads this weekend.

But some of these are every bit as funny, some even more so.

Give them and try and tell me what you think.

Enjoy!  

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church autumn leaves jesus

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church bring your own jesus

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church cafe and chat

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church church cartoon

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church church parking only

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church clown led worship

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church _come inside for message

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church doesnt work in hell

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church dont let worries

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church dont make me come down there

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church download your worries

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church everyday above ground

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Can Reincarnation Ever Make A Comeback?

 “Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Hi, sorry to disappoint if you thought this post was going to be a discussion on reincarnation. Well I suppose it might once have been, but today it has come back as another selection of puns and word plays. Enjoy!

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I went for a depression test.

It came back negative.

depression test.

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Its pathetic to be high,

highpathetically speaking.

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It’s constipation that puts the toil into toilets.

Constipation.

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I asked my girlfriend to marry me at a football match.

She said, “No, I’d prefer a church.”

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All the good puns about the periodic table argon.

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Do you believe all that Ancient Greek stuff about Paris and Helen

and the face that launched a thousand ships?

Yes, of course I do, it’s a Troy story.

 Helen of Troy .

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Paddy goes into Macy’s department store and asks the assistant,

“Excuse me sir, but do you sell potato clocks?”

The assistant looks at him and says,

“Are you trying to be funny?

We sell cuckoo clocks, carriage clocks, grandfather clocks, alarm clocks

… what the heck is a potato clock?”

And Paddy says,

“I don’t know, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow,

and the wife said ‘You’d better get a potato clock.'”

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I’ve got an inferiority complex,

but it’s not a very good one.

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I bought a new dog yesterday.

I’ve named him Rolex

…….he’s a watchdog

watchdog.

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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen.

It said, ‘Parking Fine.’

So that was nice.

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What do Mexicans put under their carpets?

Underlay, underlay!

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Why do mice have small balls?

Not that many of them know how to dance!

 Dancing mice .

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My mate Sid was a victim of ID theft.

He’s just called S now.

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I bought a book when I was in China last year, called “How To Woo”.

I thought it might help me with my seduction techniques.

Turns out it was volume 2 of the Chinese phone book.

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I’ve had amnesia as long as I can remember.

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I can drive a woman wild with my tongue.

It’s pretty easy.

All you do is say,

“Have you put on weight?”

 dmalbit .

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And finally,

in the interests of clarification because of all the speculation currently on the media,

the real reason for the timing of the Pope’s resignation can now be revealed,

along with probably one of the worst jokes in the history of the papacy,

the Pope will resign at the end of February and not wait until after Easter,

because he doesn’t like eggs, Benedict!

 

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