May The 4th Quiz Be With You.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I don’t know what it is, but I can’t resist using that “May The Force Be With You” thing on this date. Sorry, but you’ll probably see another version of it next year if we’re all still around in the blogshpere.

But to get on with today’s real business, I do have another quiz for you.

The usual random selection and also as usual you can find the answers waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please NO cheating.

Enjoy and good luck.

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quiz01

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Q.  1:  What word links vacations to the phonetic alphabet?

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Q.  2:  What is the collective noun for a group of owls?

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Q.  3:  ‘PL’ is the international car registration for which country?

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Q.  4:  What city is also known as the ‘City of 72 Nations’ ?

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Q.  5:  What is the highest score that can be awarded by a figure-skating judge?

            a) 2            b) 4            c) 6            d) 8            e) 10

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Q.  6:  For what operation on the brain was Antonio de Egas Moniz of Portugal awarded the Nobel prize for medicine in 1949?

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Q.  7:  Who was prime minster of China under Chairman Mao?

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Q.  8:  Which literary characters set out on a journey from the Tabard Inn, Southwark?

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Q.  9:  What is the brightest star in the night sky?

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Q. 10:  Spain has many famous ‘costas’. A point for each one of the following you can name correctly the four below and a bonus point if you get them all.

 

Costa   _  _  _  _  _  _

Costa   _  _  _  _  _

Costa   _  _  _  _  _  _

Costa   _  _  _      _  _  _

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Q. 11:  What name links the writers Kipling, Conrad and Heller?

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Q. 12:  As well as being a girl’s best friend Diamonds are a form of which chemical element?

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Q. 13:  What is the difference in paddles between canoeing and kayaking?

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Q. 14:  In which country is Liberation of Saigon Day on April 30 a public holiday?

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Q. 15:  What is created when the loop of a meander of a river is cut off and the river diverted on a different course?

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Q. 16:  The number of voting representatives in the House of Representatives was fixed by law in 1911 at what number?

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Q. 17:  What color is a Welsh poppy?

             a)  Blue            b) Yellow            c) Red            d) White

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Q. 18:  How many valves does a trumpet have?

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Q. 19:  Which is the only American state to begin with the letter ‘P’ ?

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Q. 20:  Which band were Living Next Door to Alice in 1976?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  What word links vacations to the phonetic alphabet?

A.  1:  Hotel.

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Q.  2:  What is the collective noun for a group of owls?

A.  2:  A parliament.

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Q.  3:  ‘PL’ is the international car registration for which country?

A.  3:  Poland.

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Q. 4: What city is also known as the ‘City of 72 Nations’ ?

A.  4:  Tehran.

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Q.  5:  What is the highest score that can be awarded by a figure-skating judge?

            a) 2            b) 4            c) 6            d) 8            e) 10

A.  5:  The correct answer is c) 6.

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Q.  6:  For what operation on the brain was Antonio de Egas Moniz of Portugal awarded the Nobel prize for medicine in 1949?

A.  6:  Prefrontal lobotomy.

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Q.  7:  Who was prime minster of China under Chairman Mao?

A.  7:  Chou En-Lai (or Zhou Enlai).

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Q.  8:  Which literary characters set out on a journey from the Tabard Inn, Southwark?

A.  8:  The pilgrims in Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales.

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Q.  9:  What is the brightest star in the night sky?

A.  9:  Sirius (The Dog Star).

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Q. 10:  Spain has many famous ‘costas’. A point for each one of the following you can name correctly the four below and a bonus point if you get them all.

Costa  _  _  _  _  _  _

Costa  _  _  _  _  _

Costa  _  _  _  _  _  _

Costa  _  _  _    _  _  _

A. 10:  The correct answers are Costa BLANCA, Costa BRAVA, Costa DORADA, and the Costa DEL SOL

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Q. 11:  What name links the writers Kipling, Conrad and Heller?

A. 11:  The answer is ‘Joseph’. Joseph Conrad, Joseph Heller and although he was much better known as Rudyard Kipling his first name was also Joseph.

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Q. 12:  As well as being a girl’s best friend Diamonds are a form of which chemical element?

A. 12:  Carbon.

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Q. 13:  What is the difference in paddles between canoeing and kayaking?

A. 13:  Canoe paddles have a single face and Kayak paddles a double face.

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Q. 14:  In which country is Liberation of Saigon Day on April 30 a public holiday?

A. 14:  Vietnam.

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Q. 15:  What is created when the loop of a meander of a river is cut off and the river diverted on a different course?

A. 15:  Oxbow Lake.

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Q. 16:  The number of voting representatives in the House of Representatives was fixed by law in 1911 at what number?

A. 16:  The number of voting representatives in the House of Representatives was fixed by law in 1911 at no more than 435, proportionally representing the population of the 50 states.

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Q. 17:  What color is a Welsh poppy?

             a)  Blue            b) Yellow            c) Red            d) White

A. 17:  The correct answer is b) Yellow.

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Q. 18:  How many valves does a trumpet have?

A. 18:  A trumpet has 3 valves.

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Q. 19:  Which is the only American state to begin with the letter ‘p’?

A. 19:  Pennsylvania.

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Q. 20:  Which band were Living Next Door to Alice in 1976?

A. 20:  Smokie.

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Old Professors Never Die. They Just Lose Their Faculties.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I probably should have said that they lose their faculties and end up as a pun.

In case you haven’t guessed it yet, today is another Pun Day.

So….

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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I call my house Lautrec

because it’s got two loos.

two loos

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Beauty is in the eye

of the beerholder.

Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder

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The UN. Bringing us all together

by ending conflicts around the world.

Peace by Peace.

The UN

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Turns out my ex girlfriend Big Amy

had a secret husband.

If only there had been some clue.

Big Amy

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Lawyers are like rhinoceroses:

thick-skinned, short-sighted

and always ready to charge.

rhinoceros

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Hey girls,

get yourself a Fisherman,

they’re reel men.

Fisherman

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How did I escape Iraq?

Iran

escape Iraq

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My Dermatological Clinic

just wished me Merry Eczemas.

Merry Eczemas

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My wife suggested I go for

acupuncture treatment to cure me

from making annoying timber puns.

I can’t see why that woodwork.

acupuncture treatment

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Let me correct you –

the London Underground

is not a political movement.

Lancaster_Gate_tube London Underground

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It’s ironic that discus isn’t a sport

that many people talk about.

discus

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The Lawn Tennis Association’s website

has a fault they are having

problems with their server.

the_-lawn_tennis_association

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Many Americans oppose any change

to The Second Amendment of the

United States Constitution.

They’re really sticking to their guns.

The Second Amendment

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I ordered a whole duck at the

Chinese restaurant last night!

It was great until I got to the bill.

whole duck at the Chinese

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Last night I dreamt I was

writing ‘Lord of the Rings’.

Turns out I was Tolkien in my sleep.

 Lord of the Rings

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I’ve Always Found That The Letter ‘N’ Divides Opinion

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There’s no getting away from it, the letter ‘n’ does divide opinion.

And so too does that little word play device called the Pun.

For those who like them and for those who like to hate them here is another selection.

Enjoy or Endure!

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rofl

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Getting a job repairing revolving doors

was a real turning point in my life.

Revolving door overhaul and repair

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I have a friend who is ambidextrous illiterate…

He can’t write anything with both hands.

illiterate

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My wife asked me “Would you say that I was likeable?”

I said “No love, bulls are male. You’re like a cow.”

 

cow

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What is Stephen Hawking’s favourite cream?

sQWERTY.

Stephen Hawking keyboard

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I’ve never asked a rhetorical question.

How cool is that?

RhetoricalQuestionsOnly

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I once got asked to do a sketch of

an old gameshow host dressed up as a Charlies Angel.

I drew Barrymore.

drew Barrymore

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There’s a gang going through our town,

systematically shoplifting clothes in size order…

The police believe they’re still at large.

clothes in size order

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I know a guy who has one eye bigger than the other.

His name is Iain.

forest-whitaker-one eye bigger than the other

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A recent study proved that I shouldn’t try

to add unnecessary rooms to my house.

study-room-design-ideas

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There is a remote tribe

that worships the number Zero.

Is nothing sacred?

number Zero

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What cheese do you use

to disguise horse meat?

Mascarpone.

Mascarpone

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Yesterday, a Lumberjack slipped

and cut into his leg with a chainsaw.

He lost a lot of blood, but although

they managed to stem the flow,

paramedics say he is still not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjacks

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I’m not afraid of flying.

I am, however, afraid of being 35,000 feet

in the air and suddenly “not” flying.

fear-of-flying

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I don’t know what the fascination is with strip clubs.

It’s just the same old thong and dance.

thong and dance

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Elton John has got so fat recently, he is having

to have his trousers specially made for him,

He’s had to say goodbye normal jeans…

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All The Good Puns About The Periodic Table Argon!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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In case you hadn’t guessed from the title, it’s Pun Day again.

Another selection of great jokes or terrible jokes depending on your point of view.

So get those groans ready.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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The time will never be wrong.

Not on my watch.

Omega watch

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I used to live in a normal house,

but then steps were taken to make it into a bungalow.

Bungalow

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My dog has just eaten my entire James Bond DVD collection.

Luckily I managed to beat The Living Daylights out of him.

The Living Daylights

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I got an answering machine today but I think it’s broken.

I’ve asked it loads of questions and nothing’s happening.

answering machine

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My wife lost her Tampax and got really angry.

I hate it when she loses her rag.

Tampax

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I’ve finally remembered the word that

I’ve been thinking about for two weeks.

It’s ‘fortnight.’

fortnight

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Me and my mate are having a competition

to see who can steal the most dog related stuff

from next door’s house.

I’ve just taken the lead….

DOG_LEAD

 

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They call me Mr Rhetorical.

Can you guess why?

Rhetorical question stems

I’m looking to start up my own business,

recycling discarded chewing gum.

Just need help getting it off the ground.

discarded chewing gum on sidewalk

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My whisky kept going missing so I confronted the wife.

She told me that the guilty party was the family dog.

I found it staggering.

drunk dog

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I lost my job today because I said the office is full of assholes.

Bit of an overreaction to my opinion about a TV program I think.

the office

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What’s black and gets abused 24/7

on social networking sites?

Punctuation!

Punctuation

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I’m a much better fighter now that I have a blackbelt.

I was hopeless when my trousers kept falling down.

trousers kept falling down

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Shopping for antiques won’t make you gay,

but it will make you buy curios.

Shopping for antiques

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A lady at the supermarket asked me if I’ve ever drunk orange juice with pulp.

I said, “No, but I once had coffee with The Bluetones.”

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“Nobody Move…….”

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A short Sunday Sermon on Wednesday – yes things are that confused!

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If it were a scene from the movie Blazing Saddles, like the one above, it would be funny.

But it’s a scene from Washington DC, the capital of the most powerful nation on earth – and it is pathetic!

Yet again we have seen ‘democracy’ at work.

Yet again we have seen people thrown out of work as a result of the imbeciles in Washington DC.

Yet again the Senate and the House are in gridlock over the paper exercise of raising the debt ceiling so that America can continue to spend money it does not have on things it does not need.

Obamacare cartoon

The Republicans are focused on just one of the things America can’t afford and that’s Obamacare.

The President and the Democrats have dug their heels in and won’t compromise in any way shape or form. They are calling the Republicans stubborn.

The Republicans have a completely different argument. They are calling the President and the Democrats stubborn.

The Democrats claim that the Republicans are destroying the nation and don’t care about the sick and needy. 

The Republicans claim that the Democrats have no fiscal responsibility and don’t understand anything about the budget.

House Republicans voted in favor of an amendment to the spending bill that would delay ObamaCare’s individual mandate for one year. The vote was 228-201.

The Senate then promptly rejected the House bill and sent it back.

My Dad is better than your Dad.

No he isn’t.

Yes he is.

No he isn’t.

Yes he…… and on and on it goes!

A couple of kids in the playground might be excused for such behavior. Elected representatives cannot.

My Dad is better than your Dad

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The result?

For the first time in seventeen years Federal agencies have been ordered to “execute plans for an orderly shutdown,” meaning around 800,000 federal workers will be furloughed immediately and another million or so, including Border Patrol agents and air traffic controllers, will be asked to work without pay.

America has held a gun to its own head and made itself a laughing stock throughout the rest of the world.

Harsh words perhaps, but true.

But there are always positives in everything, if one looks hard enough.

What this latest debacle has raised is the very important question of whether or not America really needs a government and bureaucracy as big as the one it currently has? 

If you have any sympathy at all with the theme of this blog, the “Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy” both of which have been highlighted during the past few days, then your answer to that question should be NO!

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I Used To Be Quite Good At Wordplay. Once A Pun A Time!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Once a pun a time there was a blog that championed that element of humor called word play. You are about to read the latest batch of these puns right now.

So all that remains to be said is, enjoy!

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I walked into the boss’s office and handed him a pear.

“What’s this for?” He asked.

“A pay rise.” I replied.

“My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you.”

grow-a-pear

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The other day a friend of mine hit me with a chocolate bar.

How dairy!

cadbury-dairy-milk

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HMV to close sixty stores.

Is this the Vinyl Countdown?

cadbury-dairy-milk

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I won £10,000 on a scratchcard last week and the wife said

we should draw up a list of what to spend it on.

“Well, I’m going to book a holiday for one.”

“Oh goody” she screamed excitedly, “I can’t wait!”

Can’t help thinking she’s misunderstood what I said.

single-vacation

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I was reading through the ingredients for

a fruit salad I’m making today and it said:

“Pineapples: five cubed.”

I’m not sure though,

125 will probably be too many.

5 cubed

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My friend has no hands.

I feel for him.

no hands

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When I was young, my mum always used to hit me with the telephone.

I was always on the receiving end…..

telephone-cartoon

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My calculator is missing the minus button,

but on the plus side, it still works.

calculator

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A gay guy asked me if I liked to blow people.

I told him I’m not a fan.

cartoons-fan

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I just hired a really uncomfortable car.

It Hertz like hell.

hertz

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I said to my friend, “I just watched that film about the Nazis.”

He said, “Oh what, the one with Adolf in?”

I said, “No mate, you’re thinking of ‘Flipper’, this was just about the Nazis.”

flipper

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I went house hunting at the weekend.

I went to see one house that had mirrors all over the walls.

I thought, “I can see myself living here.”

mirror walls

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I told my Chinese friend that I bought very cheap cigarettes

that were shipped in from a foreign country.

He said, “Is that Regal?”

regal cigarettes

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Why shouldn’t you buy Ukrainian underpants?

Because Chernobyl fallout.

ukraine_viktoryanukovych

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I was walking into my local pub,

when I suddenly realized it was darts night.

So I did a 180 and left.

darts 180

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Our Brazilian housekeeper is rubbish at making the beds.

She’s very tidy downstairs though.            

brazilian

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There was an unbelievably close finish

in this years “Shemale of the year” contest.

It was a Thai.        

thai

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Everyone can put on their curriculum vitae

that they know a little Latin.

logo CV

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I’ve got a fear of two-letter words.

I get scared just thinking about it.

Scary

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I turned to my wife last night and said,

“I’m into anal”.

She gave me a look of despair and glared at me as she said,

“Animal”.

I love it when we do the cryptic crossword together.

cryptic crossword

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Stupid Quiz Show Answers

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Regrettably I think we are coming close to end of my supply of stupid quiz show answers. It has been a good series and actually lasted a lot longer than I first thought. And some of them have been very amusing as well. All in all it has been well received.

I’ll call this the penultimate selection. It may contain some repeats, but they made me laugh when I read them again and if they do that then I hope they may do the same for you too.

Enjoy.

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Q. What “U” are the Eastern Europeans who originated the tradition of painting Easter eggs?

A.  Yugoslavians

set-of-painted-easter-eggs

Q.  What “S” is the nearest star to the earth?      

A.  Saturn

Q.  Name a drink you recognize by its smell      

A.  Potatoes

potato-pete

Q.  Something a husband and wife should have separate of       

A.  Parents

Q.  Name a hobby people take up for the thrills involved

A.  Stamp collecting

stamp collector dilemma

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Q.  Name a word that starts with the letter Q      

A.  Cute

Q.  Name a signer of the Declaration of Independence   

A.  Thomas Edison

Edison

Q.  Something that lets a burglar know that a house is unoccupied         

A.  No people in the house

Q.  Like “sugar bowl”, a bowl that’s named for the substance it contains

A.  Toilet bowl

toilet bowl

Q.  Name a fictional island        

A.  Rhode Island

Q. Name one of Santa’s reindeer

A.  Nixon

cool-cartoon-santa-and-reindeer

Q.  Name a beverage you stir before drinking    

A.  Water

Q.  Name the heaviest item in your house

A.  600 pounds

woman-on-scale

Q.  Something starting with “egg”          

A.  Excellent

A.  Eggland

Q.  Name an actor who played a gangster

A.  Al Capone

al copone

Q.  Name a character from the movie Aladdin    

A.  Jihad

Q.  Name something with claws 

A.  Christmas

claws

Q.  A man’s name that starts with the letter “P”   

A.  Porcupine

Q.  Name a pie that does not contain fruit

A.  Lemon Meringue

lemon-meringue-pie

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Q.  Name a room in the house where the family gathers  

A.  Bathroom

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