I Never Question Myself. Why Should I Start Now?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Why indeed!

I certainly never question the popularity of puns.

So here is another word play day for toy to…..

Enjoy or endure!

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I went to see my doctor with chronic depression.

I said, “Feeling any happier these days doc?”

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My friend certainly knows how to make an entrance.

He just put up my new front door.

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I’ve just broken all my DVDs of Japanese cartoons.

I’m my own worst anime.

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My dog just swallowed my phone

and got it stuck in his throat,

I’m going to ring his neck.

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Just for a laugh, I changed the font at our local church

but the Vicar wasn’t happy.

It took him half a day to get it back

to Times New Roman.

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I’ve gone off them a bit now,

but there was a time when I used to really dig graves.             

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My new girlfriend really takes my breath away.

She’s inflatable.

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I could hear the wife moaning about

a wobbly shelf in the kitchen.

I soon fixed that.

I turned the TV up.

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I’m fed up with my friend Adam.

He walks round like he is God’s gift to women.

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My dad was watching a news broadcast about Gaza.

He was so shocked he dropped hezbollah cornflakes.

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My wife left because she thinks

I have an obsession with electricity.

I was like, “Watt, I’m shocked….

it hertz me when you say stuff like that.

Currently I’ve not been myself I admit,

but it would help if you had some positive input in

my life instead of being negative.

But none of that matters any more,

I’m going ohm.”            

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I’m planning on becoming a shepherd.

It’s easy, I herd.

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My next song is about subtraction.

Take it away…      

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Leaving her living room,

a blonde finds her husband lying unconscious

at the foot of the stairs and in a panic she calls ‘911’.

“My husband’s fallen down the stairs,” she cries.

“Calm down, madam,” the operator tells her,

“do you know what caused the fall?”

“No, what?”

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Shop assistants are so rude these days.

I went into the DVD store and asked if they had

any about people stranded on a desert island.

The assistant told me to get lost.

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May Day, May Day? Nope, Just Pun Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Mayday? No emergency here, unless you are allergic to bad jokes.

Coz it’s Pun Day again!

Enjoy or endure.

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I’m in dispute with my TV program supplier

as they’re trying to charge me for my satellite dish.

I’m sure they told me it would be on the house.  

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My favourite pick up line…

‘Pick that up’        

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Breaking News:

“UN-Staffed office bombed”

Phew, just as well there was no-one there then.      

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Today, I saw a sign at a picture framing shop that said,

“Shoot the family, hang the kids, frame the wife.”

Don’t photographers have a dark sense of humour?

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My New Year’s resolution is to save

enough money to buy a Velcro wall.

And I plan on sticking to it. 

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God is talking to one of his angels. He says,

“Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of

alternating light and darkness on Earth.”

“What are you going to do now?” asks the angel.

“Call it a day,” says God.

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I came downstairs this morning

to see that my curtains were drawn.

All the furniture was real though.

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I saw a woman stood in her flooded front room crying.

I thought, “If anything, you’re just making it worse.” 

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Do you know what really makes me smile?

Facial muscles.

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I hired a private detective to investigate the sudden

death of my Grandad, while in intensive care.

He followed a few leads.

Faulty plug on the life support machine, apparently.

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My son was up all night answering questions about resistors.

His Physics teacher always sets too much Ohm work.

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Towards the end of the Jurassic period,

the Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to become

extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.

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Body-snatching.

It’s not the winning,

it’s the taking parts that counts.

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This makes no sense – yesterday my calculator

was working fine, today it isn’t working at all.

It just doesn’t add up.

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When I was a boy, my friends said

quoting songs would get me nowhere.

Well, Against All Odds, Take A Look At Me Now.

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