A Day Not Sober Is Often A Day Wasted!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A day not sober is often a day wasted and a week without a pun day just isn’t worth thinking about.

So here you are, another short selection of the jokes you love to hate.

Enjoy or endure!

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I always have a great laugh when I’m mountain climbing.

I find them hilly areas.

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The worst job I ever had was working in

a factory making cowboy records.

Howdy pressing.

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Say what you like about iPhones, but you can’t

speak I’ll about their clever autocorrect feature.

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I spent all morning walking around in the wife’s panties.

She’s a big woman.

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Had to fire my tailor.

It was nothing personal,

he just didn’t seam right.

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My friend told me he was going to

a fancy dress party as an Italian island.

I said to him “Don’t be Sicily!”

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I went to the Job Centre and all they

offered me was a job making beds.

I turned them down.

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My friend Dave asked me if I wanted him to

recite the first twenty one letters of the alphabet to me.

“It’s up to U” I replied.

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I used to have more money than sense,

Nowadays I’m broke AND stupid.

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At last night’s pub quiz, a question came up:

“What is another name for a grey goose?”

I just couldn’t think of the Anser.

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My neighbor asked me what I thought of her kids.

I said, “They should go far.”

Brimming with pride, she said “Really?”

“Yes,” I said, “And the sooner they start, the better.”

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Two removal men got into an argument.

They took it outside.

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Been using this blog to try my hand at writing.

So far, it’s being a lot more successful than my foot.

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I have decided to start a company where all the money

made will buy bread for Indian children’s curries.

It will be a naan profit organization.

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When I was a teenager my mum always used to say

that my room was so messy I’d never

get any ‘self respecting girl’ to go in there.

Luckily those weren’t the girls I was after.

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I’ve Never Understood Decimals – What’s The Point?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I may be having difficulty understanding the point of decimals, but I understand the point of a good pun or two.

Hope you do too.

Here is the latest word play selection for you enjoyment.

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I just found a note that says “Dial-a-Party” and a phone number.

I believe this calls for a celebration.

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Went to a 70’s disco the other night.

Bought all sorts of cool gear too; platform boots,

brightly coloured flares, an afro wig…

But in retro specs I looked a twat.

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Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma.

There’s no menu, they just give you what you deserve.

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I’m an avid campaigner for the preservation of endangered animals.

You should taste my panda jam.

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My friend’s always boasting how he once had to

shuffle 52 packs of cards and

then distribute them equally between 4 people.

Big deal.

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You know who I can’t stand?

Intolerant people.

Bastards!

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I had some time to kill yesterday.

So I went round to the mother-in-law’s.

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One by one, all of my best friends have started

to become interested in men as well as women.

So I’m just sitting here, watching the world go bi.

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My wife has just texted me asking me to ‘do her’ tonight.

I’m not looking forward to it, I’m useless at impressions.

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I was taking the freeway out of LA the other day

when the cops pulled me over and said:

‘Put it back’.

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Guy #1:  “I call my girlfriend ‘Miss Universe’.”

Guy #2:  “Is it because she’s so beautiful?”

Guy #1:  “No it’s ’cause she’s constantly expanding, the fat cow!” 

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I used to keep poking myself in my eyes,

but don’t worry,

I can’t see myself doing it again.

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Archaeologists have just discovered

an ancient Egyptian ruler embalmed in chocolate.

Apparently it was Pharaoh Rocher.

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My tailor has stitched the bottom

of my trousers the wrong way around.

Meh.

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I pulled a cracker last Christmas.

There’s a joke in there somewhere.

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Can anybody tell me where Jeopardy is?

Apparently there’s 1000s of jobs there.

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My teacher handed me a blank piece of white paper.

“Make a paper plane,” she said.

“It already is,” I said.

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My opinion on fishmongers?

Selfish.

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My friend just showed me a picture of his new girlfriend,

who he says is from Eastern Europe.

I looked at the picture and said

‘she looks nothing like a frog.’

‘What are you on about?’ He said.

‘I told you she’s a Tad-Polish.’

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I think my mum is going senile.

I just told her that my girlfriend is pregnant with my daughter.

She asked me, “Do you have a name?”

I said, “I’ve always had a name, for goodness sake, it’s me, David.”

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Oh How I Love These Puns. I Think I Have Found My Nietzsche!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, pun day again. For all of you who love (and hate) puns or word play.

Today we are starting off on the topical subject of employment, but there are plenty of other subjects that get the pun treatment as well.

Enjoy (even if you are pretending not to).

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My first job was working in an orange juice factory,

but I got canned

I just couldn’t concentrate.

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Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,

but I just couldn’t hack it,

so they gave me the axe.

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After that I tried to be a tailor,

but I just wasn’t suited for it.

The job was only so-so anyhow.

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Next I tried working in a muffler factory,

but that was exhausting.

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I wanted to be a barber,

but I just couldn’t cut it.

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I attempted to be a deli worker,

but any way I sliced it,

I couldn’t cut the mustard.

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My best job was being a musician,

but eventually I found I wasn’t note worthy.

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I studied a long time to become a doctor,

but I didn’t have any patience.

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Next was a job in a shoe factory;

but it just wasn’t the right fit.

 

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I became a professional fisherman,

but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

 

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I thought about becoming a witch,

so I tried that for a spell.

 

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I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company,

but the work was just too draining.

 

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After many years of trying to find steady work,

I finally got a job as a historian,

until I realized there was no future in it.

 

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My last job was working at Starbucks,

but I had to quit,

because it was always the same old grind.

 

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If you get sick at the airport

you may have a terminal illness.

 

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Peter won’t fly on virgin airlines

he says he won’t go with anything

that doesn’t go all the way!

 

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You may be an American outside the bathroom,

but inside, European.

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Do you know any puns about electricity?

About watt?

 

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A woman asked me for an example of a double entendre

…. so I gave her one….

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