A Manic Monday Quiz.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

A manic Monday quiz it is indeed.

Twenty questions covering the usual wide range of subjects, so hopefully there will be one or two that you find easy and one or two that you find a lot more difficult.

But remember, as always if you get stuck, you can find the answers waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please NO cheating!

Enjoy and good luck.

.

quiz confused1

.

Q.  1:  According to a survey conducted by Citrix, what percentage of people thought that stormy weather affects cloud computing?

            a) 1%           b) 15%           c) 51%           d) 85%

.

.

Q.  2:  What city is known as ‘The Harbor City’ ?

.

.

Q.  3:  What is another name for the prairie wolf?

.

.

Q.  4:  If your boss cuts your salary by 10% but offers to let you work 10% more to make up for it, should you accept?

.

.

Q.  5:  Six men are widely accepted to be the Founding Fathers of the United States of America. What were their names? (You get a point for each correctly named and a bonus point if can correctly name all six.)

.

.

Q.  6:  A follow-up question to # 5, which one of these Founding Fathers once wrote a scientific piece called ‘Fart Proudly’ ?

.

.

Q.  7:  What percentage of the Earth’s volcanoes are underwater?

            a) 10 %           b) 30 %           c) 50 %           d) 70 %           e) 90 %

.

.

Q.  8:  In Greek mythology who attempted to escape from Crete by means of wings that his father constructed from feathers and wax, but flew too close to the Sun and perished when the wax melted?

.

.

Q.  9:  And when we’re on the subject of flying, what area code would you use if you wanted to call the Kennedy Space Center in Florida?

.

.

Q. 10:  What do you call the three sides of a right-angled triangle? (Hint, you get zero points for answering ‘A’, ‘B’ and ‘C’.)

.

.

Q. 11:  This one is the name of a famous Shakespeare tragedy and a multiplayer board game based on the popular game Reversi. What is it?

.

.

Q. 12:  What nationality is the famous musician Richard Clayderman and what instrument is associated with him? (A point for each correct answer.)

.

.

Q. 13:  ‘Equatorial’, ‘Gulf Stream’ and ‘Humboldt’ are names give to what?

.

.

Q. 14:  Russians consume about 6 times as much what as Americans?

            a) milk           b) coffee           c) tea           d) beer            e) spirits

.

.

Q. 15:  Which paper format has the largest area, the ‘International A4’ as used for example in the UK or the ‘Letter’ format used in the United States?

.

.

Q. 16:  There are seven main weight divisions used in professional boxing, what are they? (You get a point for each one you can name correctly and three bonus points if you get all seven correct.)

.

.

Q. 17:  What is the link between something to eat, something to drink, somewhere to go and something to call your daughter?

.

.

Q. 18:  What was the name of the cat that survived the sinking of the Bismark, HMS Cossack and HMS Ark Royal? 

            a) Kit Kat            b) Wet Willie            c) Unsinkable Sam

.

.

Q. 19:  What is the largest country in South America (a) by area and (b) by size of population? (A point for each correct answer.)

.

.

Q. 20:  Who had a ‘Manic Monday’ and went on to ‘Walk Like An Egyptian’ ?

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

ANSWERS

.

Q.  1:  According to a survey conducted by Citrix, what percentage of people thought that stormy weather affects cloud computing?

            a) 1%           b) 15%           c) 51%           d) 85%

A.  1:  Unbelievably the correct answer is c) 51%.

.

.

Q.  2:  What city is known as ‘The Harbor City’ ?

A.  2:  Sydney, Australia.

.

.

Q.  3:  What is another name for the prairie wolf?

A.  3:  Coyote.

.

.

Q.  4:  If your boss cuts your salary by 10% but offers to let you work 10% more to make up for it, should you accept?

A.  4:  You should NOT accept the offer. This is a percentage question. For example, if you made $10 per hour, a 10% cut in your salary would leave you with $9 per hour. Adding 10% back would only be 10% of $9, or 90 cents so you would end up with only $9.90.

.

.

Q.  5:  Six men are widely accepted to be the Founding Fathers of the United States of America. What were their names? (You get a point for each correctly named and a bonus point if can correctly name all six.)

A.  5:  The six men are widely accepted to be the Founding Fathers of the United States of America are George Washington, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, Alexander Hamilton and, of course, Benjamin Franklin.

.

.

Q.  6:  A follow-up question to # 5, which one of these Founding Fathers once wrote a scientific piece called ‘Fart Proudly’ ?

A.  6:  Benjamin Franklin wrote a scientific piece called Fart Proudly. It was all about farts.

.

.

Q.  7:  What percentage of the Earth’s volcanoes are underwater?

            a) 10 %           b) 30 %           c) 50 %           d) 70 %           e) 90 %

A.  7:  The correct answer is e) 90% of all volcanoes are underwater.

.

.

Q.  8:  In Greek mythology who attempted to escape from Crete by means of wings that his father constructed from feathers and wax, but flew too close to the Sun and perished when the wax melted?

A.  8:  Icarus.

.

.

Q.  9:  And when we’re on the subject of flying, what area code would you use if you wanted to call the Kennedy Space Center in Florida?

A.  9:  The telephone area code for the Kennedy Space Center in Florida is ‘321’ which imitates the countdown before liftoff. It was assigned to the area, instead of suburban Chicago in November 1999 after a successful petition led by local resident Robert Osband. Try it out, call the Kennedy Space Center on (321) 867-5000.

.

.

Q. 10:  What do you call the three sides of a right-angled triangle? (Hint, you get zero points for answering ‘A’, ‘B’ and ‘C’.)

A. 10:  They are called ‘opposite’, ‘adjacent’ and ‘hypotenuse’.

.

.

Q. 11:  This one is the name of a famous Shakespeare tragedy and a multiplayer board game based on the popular game Reversi. What is it?

A. 11:  Othello.

.

.

Q. 12:  What nationality is the famous musician Richard Clayderman and what instrument is associated with him? (A point for each correct answer.)

A. 12:  Richard Clayderman is French and he is a pianist.

 .

.

Q. 13:  ‘Equatorial’, ‘Gulf Stream’ and ‘Humboldt’ are names give to what?

A. 13:  Ocean currents.

.

.

Q. 14:  Russians consume about 6 times as much what as Americans?

            a) milk           b) coffee           c) tea           d) beer            e) spirits

A. 14:  The correct answer is c) tea, Russians also consume about 6 times as much tea as Americans.

.

.

Q. 15:  Which paper format has the largest area, the ‘International A4’ as used for example in the UK or the ‘Letter’ format used in the United States?

A. 15:  A4 has the largest area. (A4 is 210 mm (8.25”) wide and 297 mm (11.75”) long or 62,370 m2, and US Letter is 216 mm (8.5”) wide by 279 mm (11”) long or 60,264 m2.)

.

.

Q. 16:  There are seven main weight divisions used in professional boxing, what are they? (You get a point for each one you can name correctly and three bonus points if you get all seven correct.)

A. 16:  Although modern additions have been added, the seven main weight divisions used in professional boxing are ‘Flyweight’, ‘Bantamweight’, ‘Featherweight’, ‘Lightweight’, ‘Welterweight’, ‘Middleweight’ and ‘Heavyweight’.

.

.

Q. 17:  What is the link between something to eat, something to drink, somewhere to go and something to call your daughter?

A. 17:  Margarita.

.

.

Q. 18:  What was the name of the cat that survived the sinking of the Bismark, HMS Cossack and HMS Ark Royal? 

            a) Kit Kat            b) Wet Willie            c) Unsinkable Sam

A. 18:  The correct answer is c) Unsinkable Sam.

.

.

Q. 19:  What is the largest country in South America (a) by area and (b) by size of population? (A point for each correct answer.)

A. 19:  The correct answers are (a) Brazil with an area of 8,514,877 Km2, and (b) Brazil with a population of more than 195.5 million.

.

.

Q. 20:  Who had a ‘Manic Monday’ and went on to ‘Walk Like An Egyptian’ ?

A. 20:  The Bangles.

.

.

================================

.

Blind, Buildings And Buttermilk Are Just Some Of Today’s Facts

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

A host of random facts today, as always.

Buttermilk included.

So make some pancakes and…..

Enjoy.

.

did you know5

.

The Home Insurance Building was erected

in Chicago in 1884 and has been called the

“Father of the Modern Skyscraper”.

It was 10 stories high.

 Home Insurance Building was erected in Chicago

.

.

Every year, more than 14 billion pounds

(6 billion kilograms) of garbage

is dumped into the world’s oceans.

Most of it, is plastic that is toxic to marine life.

 garbage is dumped into the world's ocean

.

.

Contrary to popular belief,

the Mayans don’t have just one calendar

and none of their calendars predicted

the world would end in 2012.

Now you tell me!!!

 Mayan calendar

.

.

80% of infants are

born with a birthmark

 born with a birthmark

.

.

Buttermilk is NOT milk containing butter.

Buttermilk is actually the part of the milk

that’s left after you churn the butter out.

 Buttermilk

.

.

Russia’s surface area is bigger

than Pluto’s surface area

 Russia's surface area

.

.

Malcolm X was shot and mortally wounded

by three members of the Nation of Islam

on the stage of the Audubon ballroom in Harlem

on February 21, 1965.

In March of 1964, Malcolm X announced

a break with the Nation of Islam,

leading to conflict, threats,

and ultimately his assassination.

 Malcolm X

.

.

If you want to make a pineapple sweeter

you actually need to use salt!

 pineapple

.

.

The escalators in London’s underground

travel two times the circumference of the Earth

every week!

 escalators in London's underground

.

.

Foreigners account for 23% of

Switzerland’s roughly 8 million people

 Switzerland

.

.

Various studies show that during

a time of extreme stress or in a crisis,

women tend to react with reference to their feelings,

while men tend not to react with logic and deductive reasoning.

 man and woman reacting to stress

.

.

Finally, Braille, the tactile writing system

used by blind and visually impaired people,

is named after its creator, Louis Braille,

who was blinded in both eyes in an accident

during his early childhood.

He mastered his disability while still a boy

and, in 1824 (at the age of just 15), presented

his system of tactile code that would eventually

allow blind people to read and write.

Louis Braille

.

==================================

.

From Alien Invasion To Vitamins – Another Quiz Day Is Here.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Welcome to another Quiz Day at the fasab blog.

Another challenging selection of questions.

But as usual, if you get stuck, you can the answers waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please NO cheating!

Enjoy and good luck.

.

quiz 10

.

Q.  1:  Who has been a private investigator in Hawaii, an American cowboy in Australia and the police commissioner in New York city?

.

.

Q.  2:  What do you call a group of bears?

.

.

Q.  3:  Which Eastern European city is known as the ‘City of a Hundred Spires’

.

.

Q.  4:  Which country’s flag includes a cedar tree?

.

.

Q.  5:  In which book does an alien invasion commence in Woking?

.

.

Q.  6:  Which subatomic particles are found in the nucleus of an atom?

.

.

Q.  7:  Which sugar is found in milk?

.

.

Q.  8:  This one is the name of the largest species of big cat to be found in South America and a make of automobile?

.

.

Q.  9:  What is the name given to the part of the Earth that lies between the outer core and the crust?

.

.

Q. 10:  You see it on your cereal packet all the time, but Riboflavin is an alternative name for which vitamin of the B Group?

            a) Vitamin B1        b) Vitamin B2      c) Vitamin B3        d) Vitamin B12

.

.

Q. 11:  Not part of the UK, but still known as British Crown Dependencies, the Channel Islands are situated in the English Channel just off the coast of France. You get a point for each of the four main islands in this group you can name correctly.

.

.

Q. 12:  Which is the world’s tallest mammal?

.

.

Q. 13:  ‘It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen,’ is the first line from which book?

.

.

Q. 14:  What is the approximate diameter of Earth?

   a) 4,000 miles        b) 6,000 miles       c) 8,000 miles       d) 10,000 miles

.

.

Q. 15:  What gifted actress played the part of an FBI trainee in the movie ‘Silence Of The Lambs’ and what was the name of the character she played? (A point for each correct answer.)

.

.

Q. 16:  What is the world’s smallest flightless bird?

.

.

Q. 17:  In the publishing industry what does the acronym ‘POD’ mean?

.

.

Q. 18:  What color is a Himalayan poppy?

            a) Red              b) Yellow               c) Green               d) Blue

.

.

Q. 19:  What flavor is Cointreau?

.

.

Q. 20:  On which multi-million selling album would you find the Nasal Choir, Moribund Chorus and Girlie Chorus?

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

ANSWERS

.

Q.  1:  Who has been a private investigator in Hawaii, an American cowboy in Australia and the police commissioner in New York city?

A.  1:  Tom Selleck. He played Magnum PI set in Hawaii, Quigley in the movie Quigley Down Under and currently Frank Reagan the NYC Police Commissioner in the TV series Blue Bloods.

.

.

Q.  2:  What do you call a group of bears?

A.  2:  A ‘Sloth’.

.

.

Q.  3:  Which Eastern European city is known as the ‘City of a Hundred Spires’ ?  

A.  3:  Prague, the capital and largest city of the Czech Republic.

.

.

Q.  4:  Which country’s flag includes a cedar tree?

A.  4:  Lebanon.

.

.

Q.  5:  In which book does an alien invasion commence in Woking?

A.  5:  The War of the Worlds by H G Wells.

.

.

Q.  6:  Which subatomic particles are found in the nucleus of an atom?

A.  6:  Protons and Neutrons.

.

.

Q.  7:  Which sugar is found in milk?

A.  7:  Lactose.

.

.

Q.  8:  This one is the name of the largest species of big cat to be found in South America and a make of automobile?

A.  8:  Jaguar.

.

.

Q.  9:  What is the name given to the part of the Earth that lies between the outer core and the crust?

A.  9:  It is known as the ‘Mantle’.

.

.

Q. 10:  You see it on your cereal packet all the time, but Riboflavin is an alternative name for which vitamin of the B Group?

        a) Vitamin B1         b) Vitamin B2        c) Vitamin B3         d) Vitamin B12

A. 10:  The correct answer is b) Vitamin B2.

.

.

Q. 11:  Not part of the UK, but still known as British Crown Dependencies, the Channel Islands are situated in the English Channel just off the coast of France. You get a point for each of the four main islands in this group you can name correctly.

A. 11:  The four main islands in the Channel Islands group are: Jersey, Guernsey, Alderney and Sark.

.

.

Q. 12:  Which is the world’s tallest mammal?

A. 12:  The Giraffe. (By a neck!)

.

.

Q. 13:  ‘It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen,’ is the first line from which book?

A. 13:  1984 by George Orwell.

.

.

Q. 14:  What is the approximate diameter of Earth?

    a) 4,000 miles         b) 6,000 miles        c) 8,000 miles         d) 10,000 miles

A. 14:  The correct answer is c) 8,000 miles.

.

.

Q. 15:  What gifted actress played the part of an FBI trainee in the movie ‘Silence Of The Lambs’ and what was the name of the character she played? (A point for each correct answer.)

A. 15:  She is Jodie Foster and in The Silence Of The Lambs she played the part of Clarice Starling.

.

.

Q. 16:  What is the world’s smallest flightless bird?

A. 16:  The Kiwi.

.

.

Q. 17:  In the publishing industry what does the acronym ‘POD’ mean?

A. 17:  It means ‘Print on demand’.

.

.

Q. 18:  What color is a Himalayan poppy?

            a) Red              b) Yellow               c) Green               d) Blue

A. 18:  The correct answer is d) Blue.

.

.

Q. 19:  What flavour is Cointreau?

A. 19:  Orange.

.

.

Q. 20:  On which multi-million selling album would you find the Nasal Choir, Moribund Chorus and Girlie Chorus?

A. 20:  Tubular Bells by Mike Oldfield.

.

.

===============================

.

Hope You Know Your Countries And A Lot Of Other Stuff – It’s Quiz Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

As the title suggests today there are a lot of questions concerning countries.

But don’t worry, they are related to different subjects, not necessarily geography.

And there is the usual random selection to go along with them, so why not have a go?

As usual the answers are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but NO cheating!

Enjoy the challenge.

.

quiz 2

.

Q.  1:    In Venice, what is a ‘vaporetto’?

.

.

Q.  2:    What is the difference between venom and poison?

.

.

Q.  3:    Which country appeared in a record 23 consecutive Davis Cup finals between 1946 and 1968?

.

.

Q.  4:  ‘Milk’, ‘Oyster’, ‘Magic’, ‘Death Cap’, ‘Hedgehog’, ‘Maitake’ and ‘Paddy Straw‘ are all examples of what?

.

.

Q.  5:  What are the five largest countries in the world with a population density of 15 people or less per square mile? (One point for each correct answer.)

.

.

Q.  6:  Kurgan is the bad guy in which movie?

.

.

Q.  7:  How many rows of stars are there on an American flag?

.

.

Q.  8:  The name of which world famous ship translated means ‘short chemise’ or ‘short undergarment’?

.

.

Q.  9:  Which country is the largest wine producer in South America?

.

.

Q. 10:  Campanology is very popular on festive occasions. What is campanology?

.

.

Q. 11:  What was designed by Childe Harold Wills and was colloquially known as the “Tin Lizzie” and the “Flivver”?

.

.

Q. 12:  ‘Trapper’, ‘Hawkeye’ and ‘Radar’ appear in which TV program?

.

.

Q. 13:  What does the Greek root ‘adelph’ mean?

.

.

Q. 14:  What was the name of the 1783 treaty that formally ended the American Revolutionary War?

.

.

Q. 15:  The answer to this one is just three letters and they mean a river of southern Italy, an Indo-Chinese language and the initials of a very popular and long running American police procedural legal drama television series, What are the three letters?

.

.

Q. 16:  How many normal size wine bottles would you have in a Methuselah?

.

.

Q. 17:  What would the waiter bring to your table if you ordered ‘priest choker’ in an Italian restaurant?

.

.

Q. 18:  Which accurate sport term is also the name of Bill Sikes’ vicious dog in the novel ‘Oliver Twist’?

.

.

Q. 19:  What number do the Roman numerals ‘XL’ represent?

.

.

Q. 20:  And finally, spell that atrocious and precocious word from the movie ‘Mary Poppins’.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

ANSWERS

.

Q.  1:    In Venice, what is a ‘vaporetto’?

A.  1:    A ‘vaporetto’ is a Venetian Waterbus

.

.

Q.  2:    What is the difference between venom and poison?

A.  2:    Venom is injected, poison is ingested or inhaled.

.

.

Q.  3:    Which country appeared in a record 23 consecutive Davis Cup finals between 1946 and 1968?

A.  3:  Australia

.

.

Q.  4:  ‘Milk’, ‘Oyster’, ‘Magic’, ‘Death Cap’, ‘Hedgehog’, ‘Maitake’ and ‘Paddy Straw’ are all examples of what?

A.  4:  Mushrooms

.

.

Q.  5:  What are the five largest countries in the world with a population density of 15 people or less per square mile?  (One point for each correct answer.)

A.  5:  Mongolia (4 people per sq. mile), Canada (8), Australia (8), Libya (9) and Kazakhstan (15)

.

.

Q.  6:  Kurgan is the bad guy in which movie?

A.  6:  Highlander

.

.

Q.  7:  How many rows of stars are there on an American flag?

A.  7:  9

.

.

Q.  8:  The name of which world famous ship translated means ‘short chemise’ or ‘short undergarment’?

A.  8:  Cutty Sark

.

.

Q.  9:  Which country is the largest wine producer in South America?

A.  9:  Argentina

.

.

Q. 10:  Campanology is very popular on festive occasions. What is campanology?

A. 10:  Bell ringing.

.

.

Q. 11:  What was designed by Childe Harold Wills and was colloquially known as the “Tin Lizzie” and the “Flivver”?

A. 11:  The Ford Model-T automobile

.

.

Q. 12:  ‘Trapper’, ‘Hawkeye’ and ‘Radar’ appear in which TV program?

A. 12:  M*A*S*H

.

.

Q. 13:  What does the Greek root ‘adelph’ mean?

A. 13:  Brother (as in Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love)

.

.

Q. 14:  What was the name of the 1783 treaty that formally ended the American Revolutionary War?

A. 14:  The Treaty of Paris

.

.

Q. 15:  The answer to this one is just three letters and they mean a river of southern Italy, an Indo-Chinese language and the initials of a very popular and long running American police procedural legal drama television series, What are the three letters?

A. 15:  LAO (Law and Order)

.

.

Q. 16:  How many normal size wine bottles would you have in a Methuselah?

A. 16:  8

.

.

Q. 17:  What would the waiter bring to your table if you ordered ‘priest choker’ in an Italian restaurant?

A. 17:  Pasta (Strozzapreti pasta, means ‘priest choker’)

.

.

Q. 18:  Which accurate sport term is also the name of Bill Sikes’ vicious dog in the novel ‘Oliver Twist’?

A. 18:  Bulls Eye

.

.

Q. 19:  What number do the Roman numerals ‘XL’ represent?

A. 19:  40

.

.

Q. 20:  And finally, spell that atrocious and precocious word from the movie ‘Mary Poppins’.

A. 20:  SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS

.

============================================

.

Those Who Throw Dirt Are Sure To Lose Ground.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Pun day again.

How did you get the week in without them?

It’s not easy, but you’ve made it and well done.

Here is the latest batch of the word play specials.

As always, enjoy!

.

.

When the human cannonball retired they couldn’t

find a replacement of the right caliber.

human-cannonball

.

Wow my breakfast seems to have had a

really positive psychological effect on me!

Maybe it was that Freud egg I had for breakfast…..

I feel so Jung at heart?

Freud Egg

.

.

He tried to find a bunch of bananas at the supermarket,

but it turned out to be a fruitless search.

bunch-bananas

.

. 

Could you call a chicken led rebellion a coop d’etat?

Call that a yolk?

coop d'etat

.

Did you hear about the frog who parked at fire hydrant

– the cops came along and toad him away…

frog toad

.

Did you hear about the Dentist and Manicurist who got married?

They fought tooth and nail!!

fighting tooth and nail

.

It wasn’t that he had anything against French football,

he just didn’t like Toulouse

TOULOUSE_mascot

.

Teaching your kids in the heat of the moment

is bad heir-conditioning.

heir conditioning

.

There has to be a repair shop

for baroque musical instruments.

Baschenis_Evaristo-Self-Portrait_with_Musical_Instruments

.

“You can whip our cream

but you can’t beat our milk,”

said the farmer.

milk

.

This is just bang out of order!

bang out of order

.

Somebody called me ‘pretentious’ the other day.

Well, I nearly choked on my tall soy carmel machiato latte

with no foam and extra extra (sweet and low)..

pretentious

.

The wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

Boy! Did she hit the roof.

trampoline

.

. 

I phoned my work this morning and said,

“Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.”

He said,

“You have a wee cough?”

I said,

“Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!”

have a wee cough

.

. 

I got arrested for shoplifting in the supermarket today.

I paid for six cans of Sprite at the checkout,

but when security checked my bag

he discovered I’d picked seven up.

7up can

.

I just got ripped off by a Chinese guy.

This pan he sold me doesn’t fly at all.

FLYING PAN

.

We had another row last night,

the underlying message being that my

“sense of direction was causing huge problems in the relationship”.

Eventually, tired and frustrated, I stood up,

packed my things and right.

bad sense of direction

.

. 

I’m nervous and excited about the new

job I start at a restaurant tomorrow.

I just can’t wait.

bad waiter

.

Did you here about the Taxidermist who was mugged?

He fought off his attacker with his bear hands.

bear

.

I saw a guy stacking shelves at the supermarket

complaining because the top shelf was broken,

and he couldn’t keep it up.

I think he had a wrecked aisle dysfunction.

surpermarket aisle

.

=====================================

.

Sex While Camping: It’s Intense!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

A little word play, get it? Intense? In tents??

Okay, okay.

Yes, it’s pun day. And they get better (or worse) than that.

So, enjoy!

.

.

Today my girlfriend told me on the phone

that we were breaking up.

I went outside and the signal improved.

can u hear me now

Police searching for a missing child heard heavy breathing

coming from a parked van.

But, when they looked,

it was just a kid napping.

linus_van_pelt_baby_blanket

Last night I settled down to eat some Ben & Jerry’s with a DVD.

I couldn’t be bothered to wash a spoon.

ben-jerry

Pythagoras walks into a bar muttering,
‘If a right-angled triangle has a short side, X,

a long side, Y,

and hypotenuse, Z,

then the square of Z must be equal to

the sum of the square of X and the square of,

erm… uh…’

The barman says, ‘Y, the long face?’

Pythagoras cartoon

My friend asked me:

“What is the shortest race in the Olympics?”

After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer:

“Chinese,” I replied.

beijing-china-olympics

My wife was running a temperature so I rang the doctor.

He asked was she hot.

I said, “Well, with a little make-up…”

cartoon wife temperature

I was clinging for dear life to the face of the cliff.

As the rescue team approached one of the guys shouted

“Whatever you do, don’t look down”.

So I started smiling.

tony_cave

My house was repossessed at the weekend

but I don’t blame the bank.

It’s that useless priest not doing

the exorcism properly in the first place.

exorcism_1189135

My wife said we would have less arguments

if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I said, “FEWER ARGUMENTS”

pedantic+pedant

A shop assistant dared to ask me why I needed

twenty pots of White Out this morning.

Big mistake.

white_out

I’m thinking about turning rastafarian,

but I’m worried about the stress it will put on my hair…

I’m dreading it.

dreadlocks

.. 

. 

People call me Mr Compromise.

Wasn’t my first choice for a nickname,

but I can live with it.

Cartoon - Compromise With Me - ALG (600)

I’m only familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don’t know why.

Y

I needed some milk this morning,

so I went round to my neighbors

and asked them through the window.

“We’re all out,” they replied.

“No you’re not,” I said. “I can hear you in there.”

window

Every time I pour a round of drinks,

it goes all over the place.

I think I need glasses.

Pour 2

Drinking with a speech impediment

Is a whisky business.

whiskey-glasses

My friend never had the courage to get married,

But he has been engaged quite a few times.

So there’s been quite a few near Mrs.

wedding

After I won the local pub quiz last night

two gorgeous blondes came over to me.

The first one said,

“We find intelligent men incredibly hot and sexy.”

The second blonde said,

“Do you know what three way is?”

I replied,

“Yes, it’s the name of the dog in Hart to Hart.”

Dumb blondes will need a better quiz question than that

if they want to get the better of me,

I thought smugly to myself as I left the pub.

freeway01
Btw, the name’s “Freeway” not “Three way” dummy!

Everything is easier said than done.

Except for talking, that’s about the same.

talking

At any time, the temptation to sing

The Lion Sleeps Tonight

is never more than a whim away.

.


.

=================================

.

A Man Walked Into A Hardware Store….

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 .

In case today’s title was a little bit obscure for you, it’s pun day again.

Yes even more of those bad jokes and word plays.

Enjoy!

.

.

A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray.

“Is this good for wasps?” he asked the assistant.

“No, it kills them,” was the reply.

hardware store

.

.

My Doctor told me I’m a Paranoid Schizophrenic.

We think he’s out to get us

.

. 

I went into the pharmacy last week and said to the woman behind the counter, “Packet of three, please, Miss.”

“Don’t you Miss me, young man,” she replied.

I said, “Okay, better make that four then!”

pharmacy

.

. 

I used to go out with a midget but we broke up.

We just couldn’t see eye to eye.

.

.

I went to the missing persons bureau,

but there was no-one there.

missing persons bureau

.

. 

Four fonts walk into a bar

The barman says, “Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here.”

.

. 

Why do they call it ‘raw’ sewage?

Is someone somewhere cooking it?

cartoon-chef

.

. 

I am very much into DIY.

Every time the wife asks me to do anything, I say, “do it yourself.”

.

.

Ted Kennedy got told off for not opening the door for his girlfriend when he was on a date.

Instead he just swam to the surface.

kennedy_cartoon

.

. 

Computers are like air conditioners.

They work fine until you start opening windows.

.

. 

Food has supplanted sex as the main driving force in my life

– now I can’t even get into my own pants.

pants

.

. 

I had a horrible childhood.

My father was a Pontoon dealer in Vegas,

that’s why he used to hit me till I was 21

.

I conducted an orchestra the other day.

It’s more fun than you can shake a stick at.

Conductor

.

. 

They say being a hostage is difficult…

…But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

.

. 

What’s got four legs and goes “boo”?

A cow with a cold.

cartoon-cow

.

. 

The Interstate was blocked for an hour yesterday

after a car driven by a hunchback crashed into a car driven by a bearded lady.

Police are describing it as a freak accident.

.

. 

Bloody feminists.

They should all be put behind bras.

comic_feministbraburnings

.

. 

What kind of bees make milk?

Boobies!

==================================

.