Why Do I Like Masochism? Beats Me!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And for those masochists among you here is another selection of word plays, or puns.

You know what’s coming.

Enjoy or endure!

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As an avid gardener,

I got so excited by summer coming,

I wet my plants.

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The jar I put money into every

time I use profanities

has really helped me cut back.

I swear by it.

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I was just told by someone

to stop being so unsavory.

I thought that’s sweet.

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Apparently it’s really easy to cook Monkfish,

Just stick it on the Friar….

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What do you call a girl

who keeps disappearing?

Heidi.

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I’ve just paid $10 for a 19th century painting

of a cow from the local charity shop.

I think it might be Art Mooveau.

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What do you call

a Muslim doctor?

Amed.

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My dentist has accused me

of non-cooperation during appointments.

I’m keeping my mouth shut.

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Having considered buying a couple of

calves at a livestock auction for $200,

I ended up purchasing two lambs for $100

which were sheep at half the price

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I thought it was weird when my friend

told me he’d fallen in love with a puppet.

Now he’s planning on marionette.

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I only enjoy carbonated drinks..

Soda speak.

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My wife said if I took one more

picture of her she’d leave me.

That’s when I snapped.

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What’s better than

a cake on the table?

A tart on the floor.

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Our identical twins are impossible to tell apart.

They even wear the same aftershave.

Well, it’s not so much aftershave,

it’s more like Eau de Clone.

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My friend got me a poster of my

favourite 70’s Glam Rock band.

Sweet!

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Why Isn’t There An I In Cyclops?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Pun day again. How quickly they seem to come around.

Here’s the latest selection.

Enjoy or endure!

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The key to winning world’s best chiropodist title is no mean feet.

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I got woken up at 5am today by a bird tweeting.

If she doesn’t get a grip on her Internet addiction soon, I’m dumping her.

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Mulled wine is just wine that people think a lot about.

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My friend told me he is going to a fancy dress

party as a native American warrior.

I thought, that’s brave.

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I’ve just given a ten minute presentation

about underwear to Stephen Hawking.

It was a timed history of briefs.

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My friend asked me,

“Why are you so lazy when it comes to numbers?”

I said “You do the maths.”

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Dave the slug and Pete the termite are in the pub.

“I’d love to win the lottery,” Dave the slug said.

“Not me,” replied Pete the termite. “No way.”

“Why not?” asked Dave the slug.

“It would be a nightmare,” Pete the termite said.

“I’d have all my family crawling out of the woodwork after a share.”

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I said to the wife, “How come I never find you in the mood for sex?”

She replied, “You don’t look hard enough.”

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I always pray before I play a game of pool.

That way the angles help me.

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Reports are coming in of a huge explosion

in a baking powder factory.

Police are expecting casualties to rise.

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My wife gets furious when I put her down in front of my friends.

But it’s really embarrassing carrying around a 35 year old woman.

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What is small, red and whispers?

A hoarse raddish.

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While trekking in Nepal I saw a Yeti with an awesome six-pack.

Must have been the abdominal snowman.

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To become a good dentist,

you need a degree in Flossify.

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Just found out that ‘Aaarrrggghhh’ is not a real word.

I can’t even tell you how angry I am!

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Those Who Throw Dirt Are Sure To Lose Ground.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Pun day again.

How did you get the week in without them?

It’s not easy, but you’ve made it and well done.

Here is the latest batch of the word play specials.

As always, enjoy!

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When the human cannonball retired they couldn’t

find a replacement of the right caliber.

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Wow my breakfast seems to have had a

really positive psychological effect on me!

Maybe it was that Freud egg I had for breakfast…..

I feel so Jung at heart?

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He tried to find a bunch of bananas at the supermarket,

but it turned out to be a fruitless search.

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Could you call a chicken led rebellion a coop d’etat?

Call that a yolk?

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Did you hear about the frog who parked at fire hydrant

– the cops came along and toad him away…

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Did you hear about the Dentist and Manicurist who got married?

They fought tooth and nail!!

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It wasn’t that he had anything against French football,

he just didn’t like Toulouse

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Teaching your kids in the heat of the moment

is bad heir-conditioning.

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There has to be a repair shop

for baroque musical instruments.

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“You can whip our cream

but you can’t beat our milk,”

said the farmer.

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This is just bang out of order!

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Somebody called me ‘pretentious’ the other day.

Well, I nearly choked on my tall soy carmel machiato latte

with no foam and extra extra (sweet and low)..

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The wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

Boy! Did she hit the roof.

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I phoned my work this morning and said,

“Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.”

He said,

“You have a wee cough?”

I said,

“Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!”

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I got arrested for shoplifting in the supermarket today.

I paid for six cans of Sprite at the checkout,

but when security checked my bag

he discovered I’d picked seven up.

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I just got ripped off by a Chinese guy.

This pan he sold me doesn’t fly at all.

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We had another row last night,

the underlying message being that my

“sense of direction was causing huge problems in the relationship”.

Eventually, tired and frustrated, I stood up,

packed my things and right.

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I’m nervous and excited about the new

job I start at a restaurant tomorrow.

I just can’t wait.

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Did you here about the Taxidermist who was mugged?

He fought off his attacker with his bear hands.

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I saw a guy stacking shelves at the supermarket

complaining because the top shelf was broken,

and he couldn’t keep it up.

I think he had a wrecked aisle dysfunction.

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Does The Name Pavlov Ring A Bell?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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What would Thursdays be without a few puns?

Well, yes, okay it would still be Thursday, but a lot less enjoyable.

So what are you waiting for?

I’m sure you are already salivating at the prospect.

Enjoy!

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My desire to be a dermatologist was only skin deep.

I knew I was destined for osteology.

I could feel it in my bones.

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There’s been a break in at a local puzzle factory.

Authorities are still trying to piece things together.

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The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

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The hardest time in a man’s life

is between puberty and impotence.

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I used to think I was trapped in a woman’s body…

Then I was born.

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Never hit a man with glasses.

Hit him with a baseball bat.

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I did some DIY with my step-ladder the other night.

I never really got along with my real ladder.

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My Uncle had his tongue shot off during World War II.

He doesn’t talk about it, though.

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Some people like Pachyderms.

But I find them irrelephant

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My wife left me because of my obsession with sporting puns.

its a shame really because i wanted to discus it.

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I went to the dentist the other day and he told me that he was sick of hearing puns about his job.

So I told him ‘I had a filling you were going to say that’

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I would prefer it if there were Fuhrer puns about the Nazis, thanks very much.

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Did you hear about the transvestite blues singer?

He woke up one morning and he had the blouse.

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I hate when people try to use the word infinity just to be clever.

It annoys me to no end.

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It’s Better To Love A Short Girl Than Not A Tall.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It may be better to love a short girl than not a tall, but it’s definitely better to have a read at some puns than not at all.

Another selection guaranteed to extract a few laughs or groans.

Enjoy!

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I’m going out tonight to prove I can travel by bus without a valid ticket.

I’ll let you know how I got on.

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I feel that geographical puns are beneath me;

there’s Norway I’d go Oslo as that.

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Maths puns are the first sine of madness.

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My wife said she’s getting fed up of my constant guitar puns.

I told her not to fret.

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What is yellow and white, and throws itself off the edge of the dining table?

A lemming meringue.

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My dentist just won ‘dentist of the year’

All he got was a little plaque.

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Pancake day really crepe’d up on me this year.

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Suicide bombers: what makes them tick?

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I used to have a job operating an elevator.

It had its ups and downs…

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A bloke walks into a pub and orders himself a pint.

He notices Vincent Van Gogh is sitting on the next barstool and asks him if he wants a pint, too.

“No thanks,” replies Vincent. “I’ve got one ear.”

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My mate said he had a new job at a Bowling Alley.

I said, “Ten Pin?”

He replied, “No – it’s permanent.”

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Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

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Exit signs. They’re on the way out, aren’t they?”

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