Icebergs And Sunshine, Both Make The Fact File Today.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another contrasting day of facts here at the fasab blog.

And what could be more of a contrast than icebergs and sunshine?

Find out more below.

Enjoy.

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did you know2

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Contrary to popular belief,

the ‘t’ at the end of Voldemort,

who features in the Harry Potter stories,

is silent.

The name comes from the French

words meaning “flight of death.”

Lord Voldemort

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In North Carolina each year there is a

Hot Sauce and Hot Chili Pepper Eating Contest,

consisting of 5 rounds in which the participants

have to eat increasingly hot chilies.

The hotness of chilies is based on Scoville Heat Units.

In the first round, each contestant starts out with a

Large Cayenne Pepper (Long Hots) (500-2,500 SU)

and those who make it all the way to the last fifth round

have to deal with The Orange Habenero (100,000-300,000 SU).

Crikey!

Hot Sauce and Hot Chili Pepper Eating Contest

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Apparently Greece Is the “Sunniest” Country in Europe

enjoying on average more than 250 days of sunshine

(three thousand hours) a year,

which also makes it one of the

most sunny countries in the world.

Greece Is the “Sunniest” Country In Europe

.

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Daniel Craig is able to take any

Aston Martin from the factory

for the rest of his life,

because of his time as Bond.

Daniel Craig Aston Martin deal

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Tequila is made from the blue agave,

or agave tequilana Weber.

According to WebMD, the core of the plant

contains aguamiel or “honey water,”

which is used for syrup (and tequila) production.

blue agave

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All Egyptian pyramids were built

on the west bank of the River Nile,

which as the site of the setting sun

and was associated with the realm of

the dead in Egyptian mythology.

west bank of the River Nile

.

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The more education you have,

the lower your risk of heart disease,

however, in spite of that, heart disease

is still the greatest threat to your health.

heart disease

.

.

The infamous iceberg that sank the Titanic

has been floating around since about 1,000 B.C.

Titanic iceberg

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Why do people sing in shower? 

One theory is that they might simply feel

more comfortable in the shower

since it is a relaxing place

and they are by themselves.

Or it may be because the acoustics

are better in the bathroom,

so the chances of you sounding

like a great singer are higher.

sing in shower

.

.

Although it is supposed to be in Chicago,

the McCallister´s house in the movie Home Alone

is actually located at 671 Lincoln Avenue

in the village of Winnetka, Illinois.

The three-story single-family house

was listed for sale at $2.4 million in 2011

and sold for $1.585 million in 2012.

The house is now promoted as a tourist attraction.

McCallister´s house in the movie Home Alone

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As a farmer,

George Washington grew marijuana

on his farm and promoted its growth.

George Washington grew marijuana

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The October 24, 1960 saw one of the

deadliest spare-related accidents in history,

when a Soviet R-16 rocket (an ICBM) exploded

on the launch pad during testing.

72 workers were killed.

Soviet Premier at the time, Nikita Khrushchev,

demanded it be kept secret.

Today it is known as the Nedelin Catastrophe.

Nedelin Catastrophe

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A bottle of champagne contains

90 pounds or pressure per square inch,

which is three times the pressure found in car tires.

The popped cork from a champagne bottle

travels as fast as 60 miles per hour

and can cause some serious damage.

popped cork from a champagne bottle

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Mary Allerton was an immigrant

who established a permanent residence in

Plymouth Colony, which we know today as Massachusetts.

She was one of the many passengers of on the Mayflower,

the historic ship that transported the first Pilgrims,

from Plymouth, England, to the New World.

She was only four years old when she boarded the ship

and would die almost 80 years later,

making history as the last surviving Mayflower passenger.

Mary Allerton

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The first video uploaded to YouTube,

titled “Me at the zoo,”

made its debut on April 23, 2005.

The nineteen-second video was shot by Yakov Lapitsky

and shows YouTube cofounder Jawed Karim

at the San Diego Zoo.

It also contains the first words uttered on YouTube

which were

“All right, so here we are in front of the elephants”

when Karim was trying to “charm” the camera.

.

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One Of Today’s Facts Is Really A No Brainer!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, one of today’s facts in a ‘no-brainer’, but hopefully interesting as well.

There are lots of others too on a range of unrelated subjects.

So peruse at you leisure and….

Enjoy.

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did you know4

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April 4, June 6, October 10 and December 12

will all fall on the same day of the week in any year.

These days are called ‘doomsdays’,

and they are meant to help calculate

the day of the week of any given date.

In 2014 the doomsdays were all on Fridays

whereas 2015’s doomsdays are all on Saturday.

2015 calendar

.

.

Milton Hershey,

the man creator of one of the

greatest chocolate bars of all time,

had tickets to be on the Titanic,

but changed his plans and did not go.

Milton Hershey

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The oldest Egyptian pyramid is

believed to be the Pyramid of Djoser

which was built in the Saqqara Necropolis

during the 27th century BC.

However, the Pyramid of Khufu

(also known as Great Pyramid of Giza

or the Pyramid of Cheops) is the largest,

its original height being 146.5 meters (481 feet)

(the current height is 138.8 meters (455 feet)).

Pyramid of Djoser

.

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A child born in Sweden in 1991 was named

Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116.

Which his parents said was pronounced ‘Albin’.

The name was meant as a protest

against Swedish naming laws.

The parents were fined 5,000 kronor

in 1996 (roughly 740 U.S. Dollars).

brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116

.

.

A polar bear’s stark white fur

is not exactly what it appears to be

because their hair follicles are transparent,

hollow tubes which reflect whatever

light surrounds them.

When their fur takes on a yellowish

or greenish tint it is due to age and dirt,

while the greenish color is caused by

algae that can grow on polar bear fur

in unnaturally warm and humid environments.

polar bear’s stark white fur

.

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On Mars

there is something that looks exactly

like either a really tall humanoid statue.

Mars humanoid statue

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The heart pumps blood to almost all

of the body’s 75 trillion cells,

only the corneas receive no blood supply.

heart pumps blood

.

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About one hundred hours of video

are uploaded to YouTube every single minute.

In other words, more videos are uploaded

to YouTube in two months

than the three major US networks

created in sixty years.

hundred hours of video uploaded to YouTube every minute

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The Aston Martin factory has a

robot nicknamed the ‘James Bonder’.

That is used to apply adhesives that

bond aluminum body panels together.

Aston-Martin-production-line

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The term ‘No-brainer’ is a relatively modern

phrase used to describe making a very easy decision.

One of the earliest sources for it comes from an

issue of the Lethbridge Herald of 1968

which stated about an ice hockey coach:

“He’d break in on a goalie and the netminder

would make one of those saves that our

manager-coach, Sid Abel, calls ‘a no-brainer.’ ”

No-Brainer

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The world’s quietest room is -9 decibels,

so quiet you can hear the blood

flowing in your own body!

The silence of the room can cause

hallucinations, and the longest anyone

has ever spent in the room is 45 minutes.

world's quietest room

.

.

The average person produces about

half a liter of fart gas per day

or about 14 farts worth on average.

Some have been clocked at speeds of 10ft per sec.

Phew!

 

Fart-Gas-Burns-Fire

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When a person becomes very stressed,

anxious or scared the frontal lobe of the

brain can sometimes be overridden which

can make you feel the need to pee

at that moment or more frequently.

Hence sayings like such and such  ..

”scared the piss out of me.”

need to pee

.

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In the Home Alone movie

Buzz’s girlfriend was not a girl at all,

she/he was the art director’s son

made up to look like a girl.

They thought using a real girl’s photo

would be too cruel for an actual teenage girl.

Buzz’s girlfriend

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Kelsey Grammar sings and plays the piano

for the theme song of Frasier.

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I Really Can’t Stand Sitting Down.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I bet you can’t stand sitting down either. It’s not easy.

But what is easy is having a look at some more puns.

So here you are.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

.

I just bought a Monopoly set which had no instructions.

What are the chances?

MONOPOLY_c1937_Chance_ElectedChairman

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Sony. Panasonic, Technics, Bang Olufsen, Teac.

They’re just stereotypes.

stereo

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A contestant accused me of being an unfair quiz host.

Point taken.

quiz host

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I was walking down the street.

This guy waved to me, then came up to me and said,

“I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.”

I said, “I am.”

diesel-waving

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Bilbo Baggins has died.

I read it in the hobbituary column.

Bilbo Baggins

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Two mountaineers reach a huge, deep fissure in a glacier.

“Careful here,” says one of them.

“My mountain guide fell down there last year.”

“I bet you feel bad about that,” says the other.

“Not really, it was pretty old and missing a few pages.”

mountaineers

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My friend just finished watching Kill Bill, volume 1;

He said he couldn’t hear it very well, though.

Kill-Bill-Volume-1

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I was reading this book on the anatomy of a pig.

It was pretty standard, but I got to the end

and found there to be a twist in the tale.

cartoon pig with curly tail

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I’ve been out of work for a while but have just got

a job at a factory making periscopes.

Things are looking up.

periscope

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Our Marriage Guidance Counsellor said my wife and I

needed to talk about the elephant in the room.

I turned to my wife and said

”see, even she thinks you’re fat”

the elephant in the room

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It took me ages to change all my clocks.

There’s an hour of my life I’ll never get back!

changing-daylight-savings-time

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I’ve decided to have a party in my vegetable garden tonight.

Lettuce turnip the beet.

Lettuce turnip the beet

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I haven’t used my eBook reader for a while.

Maybe it’s time to rekindle our relationship.

Kindle-Paperwhite

.

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How does the barber cut the moon’s hair?

Eclipse it.

Barber's tools

.

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And speaking of hair, The Beatles’ song,

“Love Me Do” was written by John Lennon

after he’d had a really good haircut.

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A Day Not Sober Is Often A Day Wasted!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A day not sober is often a day wasted and a week without a pun day just isn’t worth thinking about.

So here you are, another short selection of the jokes you love to hate.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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I always have a great laugh when I’m mountain climbing.

I find them hilly areas.

hilly areas

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The worst job I ever had was working in

a factory making cowboy records.

Howdy pressing.

howdy

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Say what you like about iPhones, but you can’t

speak I’ll about their clever autocorrect feature.

autocorrect dad-mom-out

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I spent all morning walking around in the wife’s panties.

She’s a big woman.

big-mamas-undies

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Had to fire my tailor.

It was nothing personal,

he just didn’t seam right.

suits-that-fit-bad-too-big-too-smal1

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My friend told me he was going to

a fancy dress party as an Italian island.

I said to him “Don’t be Sicily!”

sicily_malta_map

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I went to the Job Centre and all they

offered me was a job making beds.

I turned them down.

turndown

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.

My friend Dave asked me if I wanted him to

recite the first twenty one letters of the alphabet to me.

“It’s up to U” I replied.

up2u

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I used to have more money than sense,

Nowadays I’m broke AND stupid.

22-carat-gold-toilet-paper-for-the-rich-and-stupid-from-the-toilet-paper-man-in-australia-theflyingtortoise

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At last night’s pub quiz, a question came up:

“What is another name for a grey goose?”

I just couldn’t think of the Anser.

anser_erythropus

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My neighbor asked me what I thought of her kids.

I said, “They should go far.”

Brimming with pride, she said “Really?”

“Yes,” I said, “And the sooner they start, the better.”

bad kids

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Two removal men got into an argument.

They took it outside.

cartoon-removal-men

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Been using this blog to try my hand at writing.

So far, it’s being a lot more successful than my foot.

writing

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I have decided to start a company where all the money

made will buy bread for Indian children’s curries.

It will be a naan profit organization.

naan

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When I was a teenager my mum always used to say

that my room was so messy I’d never

get any ‘self respecting girl’ to go in there.

Luckily those weren’t the girls I was after.

drunk-girl

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Fasab’s Mammoth End Of The Year Quiz!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”  

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If you are anything like me, sometimes you’ll have trouble remembering what you were doing yesterday, let alone what happened several months ago.

If so, this quiz should be a bit of a challenge.

There aren’t any difficult or trick questions. The answers are all events that happened during the year 2013 and all were reported widely at the time they happened on the television, radio, internet and newspapers.

Let’s see if you were paying attention and how much of it you can recall now.

As usual the answers can be found waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please, NO cheating!

Good luck, and enjoy.

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Fasab's Mammoth End Of Year Quiz 2013

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Q.  1:  What former resident of Robben Island died late this year?

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Q.  2:  What country landed a rover vehicle on the Moon in 2013? 

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Q.  3:  Who won the 2013 NBA Finals? (Bonus points for their opponents and for the score) 

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Q.  4:  In what country did terrorists attack a shopping mall killing 59 people and injuring 175? (Bonus point if you can also name the city.) 

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Q.  5:  What mobile phone company did Microsoft buy in 2013 for $7.2 billion? 

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Q.  6:  In 2013 what city had the winning bid to host the 2020 Olympic Games?

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Q.  7:  What major American city filed for bankruptcy during 2013? 

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Q.  8:  What former British Prime Minister died during 2013 at the age of 87? 

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Q.  9:  A huge tornado hit which American city in 2013 causing massive devastation? 

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Q. 10:  What internet social media company did Yahoo buy for $1.1 billion during 2013? 

.

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Q. 11:  A factory collapsed in which Asian country killing over 700 people? 

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Q. 12:  Terrorists attacked a marathon race in which city during 2013? 

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Q. 13:  2013 saw which country become the first to make plans to tax bank deposits?

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Q. 14:  In what country in 2013 did meteorites injured hundreds of people? 

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Q. 15:  What world leader announced a shock resignation during 2013? 

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Q. 16:  A fire in a nightclub killed about 230 people in what country?

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Q. 17:  Which soccer player won the 2013 FIFA Ballon d’Or for the third consecutive year? 

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Q. 18:  130 wildfires across the east coast of which country forced thousands to evacuate their homes? 

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Q. 19:  In 2013 which of the world’s major cities was declared to have air pollution levels that are hazardous to human health?

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Q. 20:  Calcium deposits were discovered on what planet by NASA’s Curiosity Rover?  

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Q. 21:  What country unveils plans to build the world’s largest wind farm near the site of a former nuclear reactor plant? 

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Q. 22:  Who succeeded Hillary Rodham Clinton as the United States Secretary of State during 2013? 

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Q. 23:  Who won Super Bowl XLVII? (Bonus points for their opponents and for the score.)  

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Q. 24:  Where did a massive blizzard result in 15 deaths, 5,300 cancelled flights, and loss of power for 900,000 people during 2013?  

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Q. 25:  Which country confirmed that it had successfully tested a nuclear device that could be weaponized and also declared war on its neighboring state?   

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Q. 26:  $50 million worth of diamonds were stolen in an armed robbery at an airport in which European city? 

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Q. 27:  Who was elected to a second term as the President of Cuba? 

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Q. 28:  Who won the 2013 Daytona 500? 

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Q. 29:  Who in 2013 became the first male Monarch of Netherlands in 123 years?  

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Q. 30:  In 2013 what company announced a $17 billion bond offering, the largest ever from a private company? 

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Q. 31:  Who won the 77th Golf Masters Championship?

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Q. 32:  What bunch of politicians passed a bill intending to enable the taxing of online sales? 

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Q. 33:  Who announced his retirement as Manchester United’s manager at the end of the 2012-2013 soccer season?

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Q. 34:  Who regained his position in 2013 as the world’s richest man with an estimated fortune of $72.7 Billion? 

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Q. 35:  What country won the 2013 World Ice Hockey Championship? (Bonus point if you know who they beat.)  

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Q. 36:  Which world leader announced his divorce with his wife on national TV in June 2013? 

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Q. 37:  Which golfer won the 113th US Open in 2013? 

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Q. 38:  Which Middle Eastern President is deposed in a military coup during 2013? 

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Q. 39:  €103 million of diamonds is stolen from the Carton Intercontinental Hotel in which well known festive French city?  

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Q. 40:  Who became Prime Minister of Australia in September 2013, after a Liberal-National Coalitions wins the election?  

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Q. 41:  Who won the 2013 US Tennis Open? 

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Q. 42:  What country switched off its last working nuclear reactor in 2013?

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Q. 43:  What was the largest company by revenue on the 2013 Fortune 500 list?    

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Q. 44:  12 people were killed after a gunman opens fire at a naval yard in what major American city? 

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Q. 45:  Who became the first British man to win a Wimbledon tennis title since 1936? 

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Q. 46:  What computer/console game became the fastest entertainment product to reach $1 billion in sales during 2013? 

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Q. 47:  Who set a new MLB record with 24 Grand Slam home runs for the New York Yankees? 

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Q. 48:  Who won a third term with their best result since 1990 in German Federal elections? (A point each for the name of the Party and it’s leader.)

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Q. 49:  Who is named PGA Tour’s player of the year for the 11th time? 

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Q. 50:  It was perhaps the biggest joke of the year and started in the United States on October 1st and ended on October 16th – what was it? 

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  What former resident of Robben Island died late this year?

A.  1:  Nelson Mandela

.

.

Q.  2:  What country landed a rover vehicle on the Moon in 2013? 

A.  2:  China.

.

.

Q.  3:  Who won the 2013 NBA Finals? (Bonus points for their opponents and for the score) 

A.  3:  Miami Heat, beating San Antonio Spurs 4-3.

.

.

Q.  4:  In what country did terrorists attack a shopping mall killing 59 people and injuring 175? (Bonus point if you can also name the city.) 

A.  4:  Nairobi, Kenya.

.

.

Q.  5:  What mobile phone company did Microsoft buy in 2013 for $7.2 billion? 

A.  5:  Nokia.

.

.

Q.  6:  In 2013 what city had the winning bid to host the 2020 Olympic Games?

A.  6:  Tokyo, Japan.

.

.

Q.  7:  What major American city filed for bankruptcy during 2013? 

A.  7:  Detroit.

.

.

Q.  8:  What former British Prime Minister died during 2013 at the age of 87? 

A.  8:  Margaret Thatcher.

.

.

Q.  9:  A huge tornado hits which American city causing massive devastation? 

A.  9:  Oklahoma.

.

.

Q. 10:  What internet social media company did Yahoo buy for $1.1 billion during 2013? 

A. 10:  Tumblr.

.

.

Q. 11:  A factory collapsed in which Asian country killing over 700 people? 

A. 11:  Bangladesh.

.

.

Q. 12:  Terrorists attacked a marathon race in which city during 2013? 

A. 12:  Boston.

.

.

Q. 13:  2013 saw which country become the first to make plans to tax bank deposits?

A. 13:  Cyprus.

.

.

Q. 14:  In what country in 2013 did meteorites injured hundreds of people? 

A. 14:  Russia.

.

.

Q. 15:  What world leader announced a shock resignation during 2013? 

A. 15:  Pope Benedict XVI.

.

.

Q. 16:  A fire in a nightclub killed about 230 people in what country?

A. 16:  Brazil.

.

.

Q. 17:  Which soccer player won the 2013 FIFA Ballon d’Or for the third consecutive year? 

A. 17:  Lionel Messi.

.

.

Q. 18:  130 wildfires across the east coast of which country forced thousands to evacuate their homes? 

A. 18:  Australia.

.

.

Q. 19:  In 2013 which of the world’s major cities was declared to have air pollution levels that are hazardous to human health?

A. 19:  Beijing, China.

.

.

Q. 20:  Calcium deposits were discovered on what planet by NASA’s Curiosity Rover?  

A. 20:  Mars.

.

.

Q. 21:  What country unveils plans to build the world’s largest wind farm near the site of a former nuclear reactor plant? 

A. 21:  Japan, near the Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Plant.

.

.

Q. 22:  Who succeeded Hillary Rodham Clinton as the United States Secretary of State during 2013? 

A. 22:  John Kerry.

.

.

Q. 23:  Who won Super Bowl XLVII? (Bonus points for their opponents and for the score.)  

A. 23:  The Baltimore Ravens beat the San Francisco 49ers by 34–31.

.

.

Q. 24:  Where did a massive blizzard result in 15 deaths, 5,300 cancelled flights, and loss of power for 900,000 people during 2013?  

A. 24:  In the US and Canada.

.

.

Q. 25:  Which country confirmed that it had successfully tested a nuclear device that could be weaponized and also declared war on its neighboring state?  

A. 25:  North Korea.

.

.

Q. 26:  $50 million worth of diamonds were stolen in an armed robbery at an airport in which European city? 

A. 26:  Brussels, Belgium.

.

.

Q. 27:  Who was elected to a second term as the President of Cuba? 

A. 27:  Raúl Castro.

.

.

Q. 28:  Who won the 2013 Daytona 500? 

A. 28:  Jimmie Johnson.

.

.

Q. 29:  Who in 2013 became the first male Monarch of Netherlands in 123 years?  

A. 29:  Willem-Alexander.

.

.

Q. 30:  In 2013 what company announced a $17 billion bond offering, the largest ever from a private company? 

A. 30:  Apple.

.

.

Q. 31:  Who won the 77th Golf Masters Championship?

A. 31:  Adam Scott.

.

.

Q. 32:  What bunch of politicians passed a bill intending to enable the taxing of online sales? 

A. 32:  The US Senate.

.

.

Q. 33:  Who announced his retirement as Manchester United’s manager at the end of the 2012-2013 soccer season?

A. 33:  Sir Alex Ferguson.

.

.

Q. 34:  Who regained his position in 2013 as the world’s richest man with an estimated fortune of $72.7 Billion? 

A. 34:  Bill Gates.

.

.

Q. 35:  What country won the 2013 World Ice Hockey Championship? (Bonus point if you know who they beat.)  

A. 35:  Sweden, beating Switzerland.

.

.

Q. 36:  Which world leader announced his divorce with his wife on national TV in June 2013? 

A. 36:  Russian President Vladimir Putin.

.

.

Q. 37:  Which golfer won the 113th US Open in 2013? 

A. 37:  Justin Rose.

.

.

Q. 38:  Which Middle Eastern President is deposed in a military coup during 2013? 

A. 38:  Egypt’s president, Mohammed Morsi.

.

.

Q. 39:  €103 million of diamonds is stolen from the Carton Intercontinental Hotel in which well known festive French city?  

A. 39:  Cannes, France.

.

.

Q. 40:  Who became Prime Minister of Australia in September 2013, after a Liberal-National Coalitions wins the election?  

A. 40:  Tony Abbott.

.

.

Q. 41:  Who won the 2013 US Tennis Open? 

A. 41:  Rafael Nadal, beating Novak Djokovic.

.

.

Q. 42:  What country switched off its last working nuclear reactor in 2013?

A. 42:  Japan.

.

.

Q. 43:  What was the largest company by revenue on the 2013 Fortune 500 list?    

A. 43:  Wal-Mart.

.

.

Q. 44:  12 people were killed after a gunman opens fire at a naval yard in what major American city? 

A. 44:  Washington DC.

.

.

Q. 45:  Who became the first British man to win a Wimbledon tennis title since 1936? 

A. 45:  Andy Murray,  beating Novak Djokovic.

.

.

Q. 46:  What computer/console game became the fastest entertainment product to reach $1 Billion in sales during 2013? 

A. 46:  Grand Theft Auto.

.

.

Q. 47:  Who set a new MLB record with 24 Grand Slam home runs for the New York Yankees? 

A. 47:  Alex Rodriquez.

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Q. 48:  Who won a third term with their best result since 1990 in German Federal elections? (A point each for the name of the Party and it’s leader.)

A. 48:  The Christian Democrats, led by Angela Merkel.

.

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Q. 49:  Who is named PGA Tour’s player of the year for the 11th time? 

A. 49:  Tiger Woods.

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Q. 50:  It was perhaps the biggest joke of the year and started in the United States on October 1st and ended on October 16th – what was it? 

A. 50:  The Federal Government shutdown as a result of politicians squabbling over spending.

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Try Braking, It Gives Your Driving A Bit Of 00mph.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

It’s pun day.

The gift that just keeps on giving.

Try out this latest selection of word play gems.

Enjoy!

.

.

When she lost her job in a toothpaste factory

for dropping the toothpaste tubes,

the girl was completely crestfallen.

Crest_toothpaste

.

.

The first meteorologists who studied fog were mistified.

fog-06

.

.

This couple went on a sea cruise to sea if they could save their marriage,

but they soon drifted apart!

cruise ship

.

.

The guy always cheated at golf,

he didn’t play the fairway.

golf cheat cartoon

.

.

I was telling a friend last night

that I made $1,000 by selling manure.

He said, “That’s gross.”

I said, “No, that’s net.”

manure happens

.

.

What do you get if you eat a Blackberry?

A Bluetooth.

blackberry

.

.

My sex life is unbelievable.

Whenever I tell people I have a sex life,

they don’t believe me.

sex life

.

.

I can’t understand why my new automatic

air freshener doesn’t work even though

I’ve just put brand new batteries in it.

It just doesn’t make scents.

Automatic-Air-Freshener

.

.

If you crossed a fortune teller with a prostitute

would you get your whoroscope!

whoroscope

.

.

Tom said to his friend, “I think we should feed my wife herbicide.”

The friend said, “weed killer?”

“My point exactly,” Tom replied.

weedkiller

.

.

I was throwing rice at an Indian wedding

and accidentally started a pilau fight.

pilau rice

.

.

When I worked in a building supplies store,

one day this guy came in shouting and swearing

about needing something to fill a big hole in his wall.

Needless to say, I showed him the door.

new door

.

.

17 days until I stop using aerosol deodorants.

Roll on!

roll on deodorant

.

.

When I took my car in for a service

the guy at the shop said it would soon

need a new pair of shock absorbers.

He didn’t say when though

– the suspension’s killing me.

shock absorbers

.

.

As a grown man I feel awkward admitting that I still play with my train set,

so I hide it under the duvet.

No one will find it now, I’ve covered my tracks.

train set

.

.

I was having dinner with Mr T and he said,

“Don’t talk with your mouth full!”

I said, “How else would I talk? And I ain’t no fool.”

MrT

.

.

I was surprised when my psychic friend complimented

me on the way I had cooked his steak.

“Well done” is rare from a medium.

psychic dinners

.

.

I travel the land,

Asking rides from kind strangers:

I’m a hitchhaiku.

haiku

.

.

An old lady at the park said to me today,

“I see your dog’s fetching balls.”

I said, “I know, but, at your age,

you shouldn’t really be looking.”

dog fetching ball

.

.

After feeling a little depressed lately,

so I decided to treat myself to the new Jay-Z endorsed back-scratcher.

Now I’ve got 99 problems but an itch ain’t one.

.

.

=================================

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Shortbread… They’re not making it any longer!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Yes, as always the clue is in the title.

It’s pun day!

Enjoy – you know you do.

.

.

I’ve just got a make-shift job

at the computer keyboard factory.

shift key

.

A Limbo dancer married a Locksmith yesterday…

…the wedding was low key.

Limbo

.

As a paranoid schizophrenic, I take

the elevator alone to my top floor apartment…

I can’t handle the stares.

paranoid schizophrenic

.

I do all my addition in my head.

It’s the thought that counts.

maths

.

My teacher said to our class the

other day that she hates suck-ups.

I couldn’t agree more. 

sucking-up-cartoon

.

I was just about to nail some shelves to the wall.

Then I thought, screw it.

wall-shelves

.

Corrugated roofs.

are really groovy.

corrugated-roof-of-a-building

.

So they finally found Osama a couple of years ago,

talk Abbotabad place to hide!

hideout-house-of-slain-al-qaeda-leader-osama-bin-laden-in-abbottabad

.

What do cheap hotels and

tight designer jeans have in common?

No ballroom.

tight jeans

.

When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia

was asked if he knew where he was going he replied

“off course”

Costa Concordia

.

Woke up this morning after a heavy night

of drinking to find out that I’d gone bald.

Which is strange because normally

I go for brunettes. 

bald

.

A tennis ball walks into a bar.

The barman says,

“Have you been served?”

tenis ball

.

My horse had a win at the races today.

I have no idea how he filled in the betting slip.

horse cartoon

.

I saw two people hailing a taxi today and thought:

“What strange religion do they belong to?”

hailing taxi

.

Princess Diana died on the 31 August 1997

having been staying at the Ritz, Paris.

Margaret Thatcher died April 8, 2013

having been staying at the Ritz, London.

I’ve been saying it’s a conspiracy for years

but everyone else thinks it’s just crackers.

nabisco-ritz-crackers

.

My maths teacher asked me,

“Do you understand inequalities?”

I replied, “More or less.”

cartoon inequalities

.

Without a doubt, my favorite

Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire. 

Mrs Doubtfire

.

I’ve got a friend who’s a female private investigator.

Although he prefers to be called a gynecologist.

gynae

.

There’s two things I don’t like about a politician,

his face.

two-faced-2

.

Saw a woman today who opened the door in her nightie.

I thought, “That’s a funny place for a door.” 

door_in_her_nightie_____by_boblea

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