Ivory hunters, tsk tsk.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Tsk, tsk indeed. What a terrible thing to do.

But what is also terrible, and the more terrible the better it seems, are puns.

It’s word play day.

Enjoy or endure!!!

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When it comes to making money,

I’ve got to hand it to my wife.

All of it.

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Apprehended:

The new App that reminds

you your hen is dead.

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I had an argument with my neighbor

about my trees growing over his fence.

When I extended the olive branch

it only made matters worse.

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I went into a bar and said to the guy serving,

‘How much is a pint of lager?’

He replied,

‘Five hundred and sixty-eight millilitres.’

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My identical twin was hit by a bus last year.

He’s not been the same since.

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I got lost on my first day of college,

which is when I met my wife.

She was lost too, and neither I nor she knew

what class we were supposed to be in.

And as I stared into her eyes,

I knew that we had chemistry.

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I brewed 5 gallons of homebrew.

It was pretty weak so my friend offered me ten bucks 

if I could drink the lot in one session…

I was going to accept, but in the end I bottled it.

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I live for my alarm clock collection,

it’s the only reason I get up in the morning.

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I just fired my limousine driver.

I don’t know why,

because I have nothing to chauffeur it.

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Just had lunch at an excellent Christian restaurant

called “The Lord Giveth”.

They also do takeaways.

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My wife was preparing lunch today when she asked,

“Sweetheart, where’s the cheese grater?”

“Some would say France, others would say England,” I replied.

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I bought some really odd shaped eggs

but now i can’t find them.

I think they’ve been mislaid.

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Me and my girl plan to recreate every position

from the Kama Sutra tonight using only Lego bricks.

The excitement is building.

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I asked my son what his sexuality was.

He replied ”bi”.

Ironically, his answer forced me

to say the exact same thing.

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Eminem goes to check the weather

It’s rainy and gray outside

He goes back to watch TV

Checks weather back in 10 minutes

Still shady

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Have You Ever Googled Yourself?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Have you ever Googled yourself to see if there is anything on the internet about you, or even if there are any other people with the same name as you?

I bet you have. I think everyone does at some stage. Some people call it ‘ego-surfing’.

I actually hadn’t, but I did just now. Apparently there’s a British Member of Parliament and a Realtor in Kentucky using my name. I’ll have to put a stop to that!

But getting back to today’s post. There’s nothing wrong with Googling yourself, unless of course you are a moron, in which case the consequences can be both unseen (for you) and quite traumatic.

That’s what happened to a guy called Christopher Viatafa.

He’s a moron.

And a criminal.

In fact Christopher was being sought in connection with a shooting during a private party at the San Leandro Senior Center in California. Police said he got into an argument, pulled out a handgun and fired several rounds into the ground.

He was forced out of the area, but not before he fired more rounds. No one was hit, but police investigators were looking for him for allegedly discharging a firearm toward an inhabited dwelling.

That was okay, as far as he was concerned.

But then the astute Christopher Googled his name, found a picture of himself on a “Most Wanted” website….

and….

wait for it….

you know what’s coming….

promptly surrendered to San Leandro police in connection with a shooting.

Viatafa told police he had looked himself up online and found his mug on the “Northern California Most Wanted” website, maintained by the Northern California Regional Intelligence Center, a group of local, state and federal law enforcement agencies.

“That is why he turned himself in,” police said.

By the following Friday, Viatafa was listed on the website as a “captured fugitive”.

The website didn’t say that he had captured himself.

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A Day Not Sober Is Often A Day Wasted!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A day not sober is often a day wasted and a week without a pun day just isn’t worth thinking about.

So here you are, another short selection of the jokes you love to hate.

Enjoy or endure!

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I always have a great laugh when I’m mountain climbing.

I find them hilly areas.

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The worst job I ever had was working in

a factory making cowboy records.

Howdy pressing.

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Say what you like about iPhones, but you can’t

speak I’ll about their clever autocorrect feature.

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I spent all morning walking around in the wife’s panties.

She’s a big woman.

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Had to fire my tailor.

It was nothing personal,

he just didn’t seam right.

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My friend told me he was going to

a fancy dress party as an Italian island.

I said to him “Don’t be Sicily!”

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I went to the Job Centre and all they

offered me was a job making beds.

I turned them down.

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My friend Dave asked me if I wanted him to

recite the first twenty one letters of the alphabet to me.

“It’s up to U” I replied.

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I used to have more money than sense,

Nowadays I’m broke AND stupid.

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At last night’s pub quiz, a question came up:

“What is another name for a grey goose?”

I just couldn’t think of the Anser.

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My neighbor asked me what I thought of her kids.

I said, “They should go far.”

Brimming with pride, she said “Really?”

“Yes,” I said, “And the sooner they start, the better.”

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Two removal men got into an argument.

They took it outside.

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Been using this blog to try my hand at writing.

So far, it’s being a lot more successful than my foot.

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I have decided to start a company where all the money

made will buy bread for Indian children’s curries.

It will be a naan profit organization.

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When I was a teenager my mum always used to say

that my room was so messy I’d never

get any ‘self respecting girl’ to go in there.

Luckily those weren’t the girls I was after.

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