“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”
There has to be a little bit of truth at least in the saying that you get the politicians you deserve. If you vote for morons then I’m afraid the odds are that you’ll get stupid laws, rules and regulations.
It’s a worldwide disease, but here is a continuation from last Wednesday of some of the lesser known laws that govern the good citizens in the United States (listed by state alphabetically, last week we covered A to L, this week it’s the M’s and N’s.).
Enjoy (or cringe, perhaps).
- To stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law. (Finally a law that is half sensible.)
- Mercury thermometers may not be sold in the city.
- It is illegal to park in front of Dunkin Donuts. (Hmmm, so that’s why there’s always a cop car outside it.)
- It’s illegal to take a lion to the movies. (So dinner and a what then?)
- An establishment using a strobe light must post a warning sign for epileptics. (They might have a fit if you didn’t.)
- You may not curse inside the city limits. (WTF!)
- It is a park rule violation to be in a public park with a sleeveless shirt. (Mine has sleeves, they’re short, but it has sleeves.)
- Any person caught committing adultery is subject to a $10 fine. (Bill Clinton would probably consider that good value for money!)
- At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches. (That’s dead mean.)
- It is a crime to own an explosive golf ball.
- Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
- All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday. (That’s the only day I go to Church.)
- It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath. (Oh, oh! I usually just take a shower.)
- Selling arsenic-laced candy is subject to a $100 fine.
- A woman can not be on top in sexual activities. (Yes, men are much better – awe, come on!)
- Quakers and witches are banned.
- Willfully destroying your old radio is prohibited.
- It is illegal for a man to scowl at his wife on Sunday.
- Seducing or debauching an unmarried woman can earn five years in jail. (Or a much longer sentence if you have to marry her!)
- It is illegal to let your pig run free in Detroit unless it has a ring in its nose. (What swine thought that one up?)
- There is a law that makes it legal for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.
- In Flint one who wears “saggy pants” can be jailed for four months.
- A woman isn’t allowed to cut her own hair without her husband’s permission. (So can she get a hairdresser or another woman to do it?)
- It is illegal to stand around any building without a good reason to be there. (I thought it was just supposed to be tents? You know loitering within tent?? See what I did there???)
- A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head. (That one is quackers.)
- Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head. (Are they subject to a paltry fine?)
- Red cars may not drive down Lake Street, Minnieapolis.
- Hamburgers may not be eaten on Sundays. (Hot dog!)
- If one is a parent to two illegitimate children, that person will go to jail for at least one month.
- It is illegal to teach others what polygamy is.
- A man may not seduce a woman by lying, and claiming he will marry her. (Who would do a thing like that?)
- It is illegal for a male to be sexually aroused in public. (Stiff penalties no doubt!)
- It is a crime to let an unaltered jackass run at large. (I’ve forgotten, who are Missouri’s Congressional Representatives?)
- No person may own a PVC pipe. (No Blue Man Group in Missouri then.)
- It’s illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket. (Like I said before, a good night out ruined.)
- A milk man may not run while on duty.
- It shall be unlawful to provide beer or other intoxicants to elephants. (And, I imagine, quite expensive.)
- Minors are not allowed to purchase cap pistols, however they may buy shotguns freely. (Good law, give ‘em something that can kill people instead of just annoy them.)
- One may not pretend to abuse an animal in the presence of a minor. (You mean you have to do it for real?)
- It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone. (Baaaaaaad law.)
- In Helena it is an offence to let your water sprinkler wet a passer-by. (Well really, the very idea!)
- It is a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail. (Try enforcing that one!)
- It is illegal for a man and a woman to have sex in any other position other than missionary style. (Oh boy, knowing it’s illegal makes it even better!)
- Seven or more Indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them. (Without reservations?)
- It is illegal to bring a bomb or rocket at city council proceedings.
- Worrying squirrels will not be tolerated. (You hear that Frank?)
- If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested.
- It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license. (Straight up?)
- Doughnut holes may not be sold.
- It is illegal to do a reverse bungee jump. (Surely that’s stretching things a bit?)
- It’s still “legal” to hang someone for shooting your dog on your property.
- A man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than himself at any one period during the day. (Do I hear a stampede of cheapskates heading for Nevada?)
- It is illegal to lie down on the sidewalk. (That’s okay, I usually just fall down.)
- Owning a slave is against the law. (Er… isn’t it everywhere?)
- On Sundays citizens may not relieve themselves while looking up. (Remember to keep your eyes shut then.)
- It is illegal to pick seaweed up off of the beach.
- Spite fences cannot be higher than five feet. (Try looking over that, shorty!)
- A law against shooting humans has been repealed. (Hands up sucker!)
- It is illegal to wear a bullet-proof vest while committing a murder. (But weapons are okay?)
- In Paterson it is illegal for an ice cream vendor to be annoying.
- You cannot pump your own gas. (Oh yes I can, just listen.)
- It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.
- It is against the law to “frown” at a police officer.
- You may not slurp your soup. (But it tastes nicer that way.)
- Nudity is allowed, provided that male genitals are covered. (Bollocks!)
- Women may walk in public topless provided they have their nipples covered. (Where’s the point?)
- It’s forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public. (Even their heads?)
- Abusing a computer is a crime.
- You may not carry a lunchbox down Main Street in Las Cruces.
- Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business. (Provided what is not being used as a business?)
- It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing “body hugging clothing”. (That’s the law lycra or not!)
- Citizens may not greet each other by “putting one’s thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers”. (Now that would just be as dumb as this law, wouldn’t it?)
- The penalty for jumping off a building is death. (I understand the gravity of this law.)
- A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.
- While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door. (Farting is permitted is it?)
- Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 PM (When else would you wear them?)
- It’s against the law to sing off key. (Thank goodness Mrs Miller is from Missouri.)
- In Transylvania County a Dalmation is deemed to be a “potentially dangerous” breed of dog. (Well spotted!)
- Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.
- While having sex, you must stay in the missionary position and have the shades pulled. (Now that’s a new name for them!)
- Women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.
- It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
- Beer and pretzels can’t be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
- Only US Citizens can be appointed to the Dry Pea and Lentil Council. (Naturally! What would foreigners know about such things?)
- It is legal to shoot an Indian on horseback, provided you are in a covered wagon. (How can you be on horseback and in a covered wagon at the same time?)
- One may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even for wearing a hat to a function where dancing is taking place.
- A food seller cannot be held responsible for making someone fat.