Merry Christmas Everyone.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Hi and thanks for taking time out of your Christmas celebrations to visit my blog.

Hope you are all having a great time and enjoying the Christmas spirit.

But just in case you are having too good a time here are a bunch of punny Christmas jokes.

Enjoy or endure – but have a very merry Christmas as well.

.

.

Ah! Christmas!

The one day of the year we can all say

our children are truly gifted!

.

.

What do you call a blind reindeer?

I have no eye deer

.

.

Did you know that Santa stores all

the presents in the pole vault.

.

.

It has been said that the three phrases

that best sum up the Christmas season are:

“Peace on Earth”,

“Goodwill to Men” and

“Batteries not included.”

.

.

Why is Santa a good race car driver?

Because he’s always in the pole position.

.

.

Where do mistletoe go to become famous?

“Holly” wood!

.

.

How to cats greet each other at Christmas time?

A Furry Merry Christmas

& Happy Mew Year.

.

.

What do you call a cow

at the North Pole?

An Eski-moo.

.

.

Q: What’s the difference between

Tiger Woods and Santa?

A: Santa stopped at 3 ho’s.

.

.

The 4 stages of life:

1. You believe in Santa Claus

2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus

3. You dress up as Santa Claus

4. You look like Santa Claus

.

.

Which reindeer was known

for his bad manners?

Rude-olph.

.

.

Why is Santa Claus always so happy?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

.

.

Christmas is the time of year

when women get Santamental.

.

.

If I was Miley Cyrus, I think I would have

roast twerky on Christmas Day.

.

.

==================================

.

Hats Off, It’s The Quiz!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

I suppose I should have said Panama hats off because that’s one of today’s questions.

You will also need to have a sprinkling of knowledge about marbles, wars, cooking and even fairytales to stack up the points today.

But if you get stuck, as always, you can find the answers waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please NO cheating!

Enjoy and good luck.

.

.

Q.  1:  An easy one to start with,  where did Panama hats originate?

.

.

Q.  2:  What are toy marbles made from?

.

.

Q.  3:  How long did the ‘100 Years War’ last?

            a)  106 years          b)  116 years          c)  126 years

.

.

Q.  4:  what is the only mobile National Monument in the USA?

.

.

Q.  5:  Here’s one for all you beer drinkers, in what month is the world famous ‘Munich Oktoberfest’ beer festival held?

.

.

Q.  6:  It contains beef or pork, but what is the main ingredient of the thick and spicy soup known as ‘Borscht’ that originated in Ukraine but is also popular in many Eastern and Central European countries.

.

.

Q.  7:  What type of building is a ‘picture palace’?

.

.

Q.  8:  From which part of its body does a cow, and presumably also a bull, sweat?

.

.

Q.  9:  How many sides has a ‘Prism’?

.

.

Q. 10:  What type of creature is a ‘horned toad’?

.

.

Q. 11:  Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

.

.

Q. 12:  What sort of fruit is a ‘Chinese gooseberry’?

.

.

Q. 13:  In the original French medieval version of the story of ‘Cinderella’ (which gave us the modern Western version) what were Cinderella’s slippers made from?

.

.

Q. 14:  In sunscreen lotions, what does the abbreviation ‘SPF’ stand for?

.

.

Q. 15:  What do bullet proof vests, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?

.

.

Q. 16:  What is the most prevalent infectious disease in the UK?

.

.

Q. 17:  A ‘mahout’ is a person who works with and rides what?

.

.

Q. 18:  How many times was Richard Burton nominated for an Oscar and how many times did he win? (A point for each correct answer.)

.

.

Q. 19:  Which breed of cats, rabbits, and goats have the same name?

.

.

Q. 20:  Finally, a guy is condemned to death and has three rooms to choose from and he must choose one of them. Room #1 contains a fiery inferno; room #2 contains 50 Assassins with loaded guns; and room #3 contains hungry lions that haven’t eaten in three months. Which room should he choose?

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> 

ANSWERS

.

Q.  1:  An easy one to start with, where did Panama hats originate?

A.  1:  Okay, maybe not so easy, they originated in Ecuador.

.

.

Q.  2:  What are toy marbles made from?

A.  2:  Although called ‘marbles’ they are made from ‘glass’.

.

.

Q.  3:  How long did the ‘100 Years War’ last?

            a)  106 years          b)  116 years          c)  126 years

A.  3:  The correct answer is b) 116 years.

.

.

Q.  4:  what is the only mobile National Monument in the USA?

A.  4:  San Francisco cable cars.

.

.

Q.  5:  Here’s one for all you beer drinkers, in what month is the world famous ‘Munich Oktoberfest’ beer festival held?

A.  5:  In September.

.

.

Q.  6:  It contains beef or pork, but what is the main ingredient of the thick and spicy soup known as ‘Borscht’ that originated in Ukraine but is also popular in many Eastern and Central European countries.

A.  6:  The main ingredient of ‘Borscht’ is beetroot.

.

.

Q.  7:  What type of building is a ‘picture palace’?

A.  7:  It would be understandable if you said art gallery, but in fact a ‘picture palace’ was the name given to a cinema or theater for showing movies.

.

.

Q.  8:  From which part of its body does a cow, and presumably also a bull, sweat?

A.  8:  Its nose.

.

.

Q.  9:  How many sides has a ‘Prism’?

A.  9:  Five.

.

.

Q. 10:  What type of creature is a ‘horned toad’?

A. 10:  A ‘horned toad’ is a lizard.

.

.

Q. 11:  Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. 11:  Their birthplace.

.

.

Q. 12:  What sort of fruit is a ‘Chinese gooseberry’?

A. 12:  It is a Kiwifruit.  It originated in China but renamed kiwifruit by growers/exporters in New Zealand.

.

.

Q. 13:  In the original French medieval version of the story of ‘Cinderella’ (which gave us the modern Western version) what were Cinderella’s slippers made from?

A. 13:  They were made from squirrel fur which when you think about it is a lot more sensible than glass. The reason we ended up with a glass slipper is because the French word for squirrel fur is ‘vair’, which was misunderstood by Charles Perrault, writer of the modern version, to be verre, which means glass. You got it wrong Charlie and I guess so did most people who answered this question!

.

.

Q. 14:  In sunscreen lotions, what does the abbreviation ‘SPF’ stand for?

A. 14:  ‘SPF’ stands for Sun Protection Factor.

.

.

Q. 15:  What do bullet proof vests, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?

A. 15:  They were all invented by women.

.

.

Q. 16:  What is the most prevalent infectious disease in the UK?

A. 16:  The Common Cold.

.

.

Q. 17:  A ‘mahout’ is a person who works with and rides what?

A. 17:  Elephants.

.

.

Q. 18:  How many times was Richard Burton nominated for an Oscar and how many times did he win? (A point for each correct answer.)

A. 18:  Richard Burton was nominated seven times for an Oscar and surprisingly never won any. The correct answers are 7 and 0.

.

.

Q. 19:  Which breed of cats, rabbits, and goats have the same name?

A. 19:  Angora.

.

.

Q. 20:  Finally, a guy is condemned to death and has three rooms to choose from and he must choose one of them. Room #1 contains a fiery inferno; room #2 contains 50 Assassins with loaded guns; and room #3 contains hungry lions that haven’t eaten in three months. Which room should he choose?

A. 20:  He should choose room #3 because the lions would be dead if they hadn’t eaten in three months.

.

==============================================

.

I’ve Always Found That The Letter ‘N’ Divides Opinion

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

There’s no getting away from it, the letter ‘n’ does divide opinion.

And so too does that little word play device called the Pun.

For those who like them and for those who like to hate them here is another selection.

Enjoy or Endure!

.

.

Getting a job repairing revolving doors

was a real turning point in my life.

.

.

I have a friend who is ambidextrous illiterate…

He can’t write anything with both hands.

.

.

My wife asked me “Would you say that I was likeable?”

I said “No love, bulls are male. You’re like a cow.”

 

.

.

What is Stephen Hawking’s favourite cream?

sQWERTY.

.

.

I’ve never asked a rhetorical question.

How cool is that?

.

.

I once got asked to do a sketch of

an old gameshow host dressed up as a Charlies Angel.

I drew Barrymore.

.

.

There’s a gang going through our town,

systematically shoplifting clothes in size order…

The police believe they’re still at large.

.

.

I know a guy who has one eye bigger than the other.

His name is Iain.

.

.

A recent study proved that I shouldn’t try

to add unnecessary rooms to my house.

.

.

There is a remote tribe

that worships the number Zero.

Is nothing sacred?

.

.

What cheese do you use

to disguise horse meat?

Mascarpone.

.

.

Yesterday, a Lumberjack slipped

and cut into his leg with a chainsaw.

He lost a lot of blood, but although

they managed to stem the flow,

paramedics say he is still not out of the woods yet.

.

.

I’m not afraid of flying.

I am, however, afraid of being 35,000 feet

in the air and suddenly “not” flying.

.

.

I don’t know what the fascination is with strip clubs.

It’s just the same old thong and dance.

.

.

Elton John has got so fat recently, he is having

to have his trousers specially made for him,

He’s had to say goodbye normal jeans…

.

.

====================================================

.

A Different Sort Of Quiz Today

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

To give you a bit of a break from the normal quiz day – yes, I’m still watching the World Cup football and the final was yesterday. Well done Germany, commiserations Argentina. 

So instead here is one taken by other people.

Twenty questions from a SAT Science Exam and, as well as being amusing, it is also a good commentary on  the state of the education system these days.

.

.

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

.

.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

.

.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

.

.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

.

.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

.

.

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

.

.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

.

.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

.

.

Q: What is artificial insemination?

A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

.

.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

.

.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g., abdomen.)

A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

.

.

Q: What is the Fibula?

A: A small lie.

.

.

Q: What does “varicose” mean?

A: Nearby.

.

.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?

A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

.

.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section”

A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

.

.

Q: What is a seizure?

A: A Roman emperor.

.

.

Q: What is a terminal illness?

A: When you are sick at the airport

.

.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

.

.

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

.

.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

.

———————————————————————-

.

Did You Know? The Fact File Reveals More Random Facts.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Fascinating facts never seem to come to an end, thank goodness.

Here is the latest selection from the fasab files. Always random, but I hope always interesting, there has to be at least one thing in here that you didn’t know.

Enjoy finding out.

.

.

The Lion King is the top grossing Disney movie of all-time

with domestic gross intake of $312 million.

.

.

The winter and summer seasons on Uranus

last the equivalent of 21 Earth years.

.

.

‘Cow’ is a Japanese brand of shaving foam.

.

.

The Nobel prizes (in Physics, Chemistry, Physiology or Medicine,

Literature, and Peace) were first awarded in 1901.

.

.

The idea of Christmas cards was invented

by Englishman Henry Cole in 1843.

.

.

Before its name was changed, the ‘African’ Penguin

used be called the ‘Jackass’ Penguin

because of its donkey-like braying call.

.

.

The largest diamond that was ever found was 3106 carats.

.

.

More than $1 billion is spent each year on neck ties in the United States.

.

.

Ballroom dancing is a course at

Brigham Young University in Utah.

.

.

New York’s famous Central Park has 125 drinking fountains.

.

.

Before soccer referees started using whistles in 1878,

they used to rely on waving a handkerchief.

.

.

Jackrabbits (or Hares) can reach a speed of fifty miles per hour

and can leap as far as twenty feet.

.

.

Cheesecake was invented in Ancient Greece

and served to athletes at the very first Olympic Games.

.

.

As a rule, European carousels rotate clockwise,

while American merry-go-rounds spin counterclockwise.

.

.

In a study conducted regarding toilet paper usage,

Americans are said to use the most toilet paper per trip to the bathroom,

which was seven sheets of toilet paper per trip.

.

.

The trunk of an elephant can hold up to two gallons of water.

.

.

In the movie “Babe”, the piglet was played by

over 30 different piglets as they outgrew the part so quickly

during the production of the film.

.

.

There are more Barbie dolls in Italy

than there are Canadians in Canada.

.

.

Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru,

an island nation in the Western Pacific.

.

.

Despite the horrific display, nearly two-thirds of those

aboard the LZ 129 Hindenburg survived its fiery crash in 1937.

.

.

==================================

.

I’m Beginning To Feel I’m Bean Stalked!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Yes, it’s pun day, the day we all love  –  well most of us do anyway.

Enjoy this latest selection!

.

.

When does a cow make the most noise?

When she’s feeling moooooody!

.

.

I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with

a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides.

I picked it up and threw it.

It flew for more than 300 yards.

I’m sure that must have been a record.

.

.

There was a ghost at the hotel,

so they called for an inn spectre.

.

.

Me and my friends are in a band called Duvet.

We’re a cover band.

.

.

Messing with your computer’s memory chip

can have lasting RAMifications

.

.

My girlfriend got sacked from work and then lost her appeal.

I only found her appealing because she had a well paid job.

.

.

 

This one is just messed up.

.

.

I sell balloons for 10p each or if you want them blown up it’s 15p.

I’ve adjusted the price to allow for inflation.

.

.

A picture may be worth a thousand words,

but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

.

.

I lost my mood ring.

I don’t know how I feel about this.

.

.

I beat my wife up this morning.

She got up at 7.30, I was up at 7.

.

.

Why did I divide sin by tan?

Just cos.

.

.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

.

.

I was recently asked about my views on euthanasia.

I said they all look the same to me.

.

.

Nostalgia.

It’s not what it used to be.

.

.

I just received an envelope marked – Photographs Do Not Bend.

The Mailman has, however, proven that they do.

.

.

I fell on my arm and had to have an operation on my funny bone.

I was in stitches for two weeks.

.

.

I’ve just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.

Although what he wants with an ex box I’ll never know.

.

.

A man goes home to his wife and shows her his

latest tattoo of a spreadsheet on his chest.

“You’ve really Excelled yourself this time!” she says.

.

.

When a hospital runs out of maternity nurses

do they have a mid-wife crisis?

.

===================================

.

Did You Know? More Fab Facts From The Files

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Yes, more fab facts from the files here at the fasab blog.

These posts are as random as they get so hopefully you should be able to get something out of them no matter what your interests are.

Check them out below.

And enjoy.

.

.

The phone number to the white house is:

(202) 456-1414.

.

.

It takes about 63,000 trees to make the newsprint

for the average Sunday edition of New York Times.

.

.

Pucks hit by hockey sticks have reached speeds

of up to 150 miles per hour.

.

.

Intelligent people have more

zinc and copper in their hair.

.

.

In every episode of Seinfeld

there is a Superman somewhere.

.

.

The most poisonous spider is the black widow.

Its venom is more potent than a rattlesnake’s.

.

.

Fish that live more than 800 meters below

the ocean surface don’t have eyes.

.

.

Mercury is the only planet

whose orbit is coplanar with its equator.

.

.

There is actually no danger in swimming right after you eat,

though it may feel uncomfortable.

.

.

Starfish have no brains.

(I know several people like that!)

.

.

The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses.

.

.

Los Angeles’ full name is

“El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula”.

.

.

Al Capone’s business card

said he was a used furniture dealer.

.

.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A quarter has 119.

.

.

John Lennon’s first girlfriend

was named Thelma Pickles.

.

.

You can lead a cow upstairs

but not downstairs.

.

.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

.

.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation US golf ball.

In the UK its 330.

.

.

At the height of its power in 400 BC, the Greek city of Sparta

had 25,000 citizens and 500,000 slaves.

.

.

In “Silence of the Lambs”,

Hannibal Lector (Anthony Hopkins) never blinks.

.

====================================

.

Fabulously Fascinating Facts

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Today we have a selection of fabulously fascinating facts.

Grateful gentlemen readers may send a donation if they so desire.

Enjoy.

.

.

Just twenty seconds’ worth of fuel remained when Apollo 11’s lunar module landed on the moon.

.

.

Lemon sharks grow a new set of teeth every two weeks! They grow more than 24,000 new teeth every year!

.

.

Los Angeles’s full name is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, LA

.

.

A fully loaded supertanker travelling at normal speed takes a least twenty minutes to stop.

.

.

John Wilkes Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre and was found in a warehouse. Lee Harvey Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and was found in a theatre.

.

.

A cow produces 200 times more gas a day than a person. (Speak for yourself!)

.

.

100 years from now Facebook will have the accounts of 500 million dead people.

.

.

Rain has never been recorded in some parts of the Atacama Desert in Chile.

.

.

A Koala is the only animal that has finger prints.

.

.

The average person spends two weeks of their lives waiting for a traffic light to change.

.

.

A Blue whale’s tongue weighs more than an elephant.

.

.

A whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster than the speed of sound.

.

.

There are 500,000 detectable earthquakes in the world each year.

.

.

Back in 1924, a monkey was convicted in South bend of the crime of smoking a cigarette and sentenced to pay a $25 fine and trial costs.

.

.

Nearly 50% of all bank robberies take place on Friday.

.

.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years.

.

.

The Sears Tower in Chicago contains enough steel to build 50,000 automobiles.

.

.

The population of the American colonies in 1610 was 350.

.

.

Termites outweigh humans by almost ten to one.

.

.

Stephen Hawking was born exactly 300 years after Galileo died.

.

.

Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 TIMES more effective than Valium. So you have a headache? GREAT!!!

.

===========================

.

A Man Walked Into A Hardware Store….

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 .

In case today’s title was a little bit obscure for you, it’s pun day again.

Yes even more of those bad jokes and word plays.

Enjoy!

.

.

A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray.

“Is this good for wasps?” he asked the assistant.

“No, it kills them,” was the reply.

.

.

My Doctor told me I’m a Paranoid Schizophrenic.

We think he’s out to get us

.

. 

I went into the pharmacy last week and said to the woman behind the counter, “Packet of three, please, Miss.”

“Don’t you Miss me, young man,” she replied.

I said, “Okay, better make that four then!”

.

. 

I used to go out with a midget but we broke up.

We just couldn’t see eye to eye.

.

.

I went to the missing persons bureau,

but there was no-one there.

.

. 

Four fonts walk into a bar

The barman says, “Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here.”

.

. 

Why do they call it ‘raw’ sewage?

Is someone somewhere cooking it?

.

. 

I am very much into DIY.

Every time the wife asks me to do anything, I say, “do it yourself.”

.

.

Ted Kennedy got told off for not opening the door for his girlfriend when he was on a date.

Instead he just swam to the surface.

.

. 

Computers are like air conditioners.

They work fine until you start opening windows.

.

. 

Food has supplanted sex as the main driving force in my life

– now I can’t even get into my own pants.

.

. 

I had a horrible childhood.

My father was a Pontoon dealer in Vegas,

that’s why he used to hit me till I was 21

.

. 

I conducted an orchestra the other day.

It’s more fun than you can shake a stick at.

.

. 

They say being a hostage is difficult…

…But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

.

. 

What’s got four legs and goes “boo”?

A cow with a cold.

.

. 

The Interstate was blocked for an hour yesterday

after a car driven by a hunchback crashed into a car driven by a bearded lady.

Police are describing it as a freak accident.

.

. 

Bloody feminists.

They should all be put behind bras.

.

. 

What kind of bees make milk?

Boobies!

. 

==================================

.

CLASSIFIED: For Your Eyes Only, Part Nine!!!!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

The year may have changed since the last bunch of Classified ads, but the stupidity continues as you can see from today’s selection.

I hope you find something in here to make you smile this first weekend of 2013.

Enjoy.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

==============================

.