Veni, Vidi, Velcro… I Came, I Saw, I Stuck Around.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I hope you stick around too, because it’s another Pun Day.

You know the drill….

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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My little cousin has been diagnosed with an unusual case of OCD

where all he does all day is organize dinner plates by the year they were made,

It’s an extremely rare dish-order

spinning-plates

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I’ve written my own book

called 50 Shades of Gravy.

It’s very saucy.

gravy

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I’m an easy target for muggers.

Take it from me.

mugger

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I knew I had failed my Braille exam at the time.

It just felt wrong.

Braille exam

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“How’s your new stairlift nan?”

“It’s driving me up the wall.”

stairlift

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Just finished an experiment to find

the best cure for hiccups.

The result was a big surprise.

Hiccups-Scare

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I stabbed someone with a blunt pencil today.

It was an act of pointless violence.

blunt pencil

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I just took some pills and now my pupils look massive!

I really shouldn’t take hallucinogenic drugs while teaching.

The Simpsons Homer Dilated Pupil

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The wife would like us to feel a gentle and relaxing breeze

all over our bodies when we have sex.

I’m not a fan.

fan

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I thought I’d dug up an unknown

species of dinosaur in my back garden.

Excitedly I phoned the Natural History Museum,

but it turned out to be a fossil arm.

fossil arm

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Do you think eating horse meat

would give you the trots?

the trots

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I got my girlfriend the Connery and Dalton

James Bond movies for her birthday,

but she wasn’t happy.

I think she was expecting Moore.

roger_moore___007

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Hungry astronomers don’t like galaxies,

they prefer something that’s a little meteor.

meteor

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I have an Eskimo fetish,

but most people just aren’t that Inuit.

Selawik-Eskimo-Woman

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I’ve booked a table at one of those new

Elvis Presley-themed steakhouses.

They’re for people who love meat tender.

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I’m Starting A One-Man Band – Email Me If You’re Interested.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Welcome to the last Pun Day….

Of this July that is, I hope you didn’t get your hopes up too high.

Anyway here are the latest offerings.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

 

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This nice weather doesn’t fool me one bit.

It’s just a front.

warm front

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What do you call a couple

who go fishing together?

Rod and Annette.

Rod and Annette

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I hate jokes about Vietnam.

They really Hanoi me.

Hanoi map

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My new book about Poltergeists

is flying off the shelves.

Poltergeists

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I was touched by my Granddad

when I was a little boy.

His tear jerking tales of world war two

were simply heartbreaking.

Granddad

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I was telling the police officer

how local youths had thrown

a milk bottle at me and just missed.

He asked, “Skimmed past your face?”

I replied, “No, full fat over my shoulder.” 

milk

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‘My post box’

has got nine letters in it.

australia post box

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I told my fiancee and friends that I wanted

to racially segregate our wedding.

They didn’t really warm to it.

I was met with a mixed reception.

wedding reception

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Age isn’t

“just a number”

– it’s quite clearly a word

age

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People who confuse

the metaphorical and the factual

make my head literally explode.

head literally explode

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My girlfriend was disappointed when

I bought her New York flights for her birthday.

But not as disappointed as I was when

I found out she didn’t even play darts.

darts New York flights

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I’ve just stolen loads of swimming inflatables.

I’d better lilo.   

lilo

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I went to see my new doctor this morning about my piles.

He told me to drop my trousers and pants and bend over.

As I pulled my cheeks apart, he said,

“I’m going to need your whole name.”

I said, “I just call it my asshole.”

man with trousera down

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Gordon Ramsay reminds me of a newspaper.

Only with more headlines.

Gordon Ramsay headlines

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Time traveller’s convention next June.

I’m there.

Time traveller's convention

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There’s A Fine Line Between Hyphenated Words…

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There is indeed a fine line between hyphenated words – haven’t you noticed?

Yes, it’s the day to play on words, or play with words.

Whatever way you want to put it, it’s pun day!

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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The other day I held the door open for a clown.

I thought it was a nice jester.

clown jester

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I thought my Granny was going to get me a jumper for my birthday

but she just gave me a card again.

cardigan

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I play for my shop fitting company’s football team.

We are great on the counter attack.

a_Dodson_Shop_Fitters_Reception_Counter_with_Glass_Shelves

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I’ve sent a few angry letters to my Congressman.

A ‘G’ and three ‘R’s.

grrr

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I had a good morning today, I met Cameron Diaz.

And her brother, Buenos.

Cameron-Diaz

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I’m lying in bed listening to the Carpenters…

Who are taking way too long installing the new kitchen.

carpenter-kitchen-fitter

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I’ve just started a new extermination company

that specialises in felines.

I’m calling it curiosity.

Curiosity+killed+the+cat.+source+smosh+facebook+page_06d5f5_3980829

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L’Oreal Saudi Arabia.

Burkas you’re worth it.

l'oreal Saudi Arabia, burkas you're worth it

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My other half reckons I might have schizophrenia!

schizophrenia

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I took a poll recently,

and 100% of the strippers asked

were angry they had nothing to dance on.

silhouette-pole

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“OK son, what do you understand

by the word ‘omniscient’?”

He said, “God knows…”

What a clever little boy!

clever little boy

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I’m writing a post about storms.

So far, it’s just a rough draft.

storms

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Did you hear about the mexcian train killer?

He had locomotives.

Mexican train game

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What’s the singular of ‘werewolves’?

‘I’m a wolf’.

Cartoon Werewolf

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I was gob smacked when my Swedish friend came to

visit from the states and was now living as a woman.

He was Bjorn in the U.S.A.

Bjorn in the U.S.A.

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Monday. Quiz Day. Go On, Have A Go!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Time for twenty more questions. A mixture of general knowledge, history, television, movies, etc., so there should be a few in here that will suit you.  

As usual the answers can be found waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please, NO cheating!

Enjoy and good luck.

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Quiz 07

Q.  1:  When was the American Declaration of Independence?

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Q.  2:  Who wrote the communist manifesto with Frederich Engels?

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Q.  3:  Where did Audrey Hepburn famously have breakfast in New York City?

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Q.  4:  From which French town were more than 330,000 Allied Troops evacuated in 1940?

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Q.  5:  The 70th birthday of which organization will take place on 22 October 2015 in New York City?

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Q.  6:  In which American town or city was the TV series Frasier set?

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Q.  7:  In which town in Texas did 70 cult members die in a fire after four federal agents were killed during a confrontation?

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Q.  8:  What does the Strait of Messina separate?

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Q.  9:  Who was ‘The Graduate’ in the movie of the same name?

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Q. 10:  What was the last state to join the American Union?

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Q. 11:  Most of us have probably watched and enjoyed ‘The Sopranos’ and ‘The Newsroom’ both aired on HBO, but what does ‘HBO’ stand for?

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Q. 12:  The Greek root ‘syn’, found in words like synonym and syntax, means what?

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Q. 13:  From Here To where is the Oscar-winning movie with Deborah Kerr, Burt Lancaster and Frank Sinatra?

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Q. 14:  What is the more common name for magnesium sulphate?

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Q. 15:  What was the former name of Taiwan?

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Q. 16:  Which young star of the movie ‘East of Eden’ died in a car crash aged only 24?

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Q. 17:  According to the expression coined by Andy Warhol, how many minutes of fame constitute the ephemeral condition ‘celebrity’?

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Q. 18:  Which South American country was ruled by Bernardo O’Higgins?

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Q. 19:  ‘Ruy Lopez’, ‘Monkey’s Bum’, ‘King’s Indian’, ‘Semi Tarrasch’, ‘Sicilian’, ‘Clam Variation’, ‘Scotch Game’ and ‘Giuoco Piano’ are all examples of what?

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Q. 20:  In the movie ‘The Good, the Bad and The Ugly’, who played the three leading roles? (A point for each correct answer and a bonus point if you get all three.)

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  When was the American Declaration of Independence?

A.  1:  1776

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Q.  2:  Who wrote the communist manifesto with Frederich Engels?

A.  2:  Karl Marx

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Q.  3:  Where did Audrey Hepburn famously have breakfast in New York City?

A.  3:  At Tiffany’s.

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Q.  4:  From which French town were more than 330,000 Allied Troops evacuated in 1940?

A.  4:  Dunkirk

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Q.  5:  The 70th birthday of which organization will take place on 22 October 2015 in New York City?

A.  5:  The United Nations

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Q.  6:  In which American town or city was the TV series Frasier set?

A.  6:  Seattle

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Q.  7:  In which town in Texas did 70 cult members die in a fire after four federal agents were killed during a confrontation?

A.  7:  Waco

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Q.  8:  What does the Strait of Messina separate?

A.  8:  Mainland Italy and Sicily

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Q.  9:  Who was ‘The Graduate’ in the film of the same name?

A.  9:  Dustin Hoffman

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Q. 10:  What was the last state to join the American Union?

A. 10:  Alaska

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Q. 11:  Most of us have probably watched and enjoyed ‘The Sopranos’ and ‘The Newsroom’ both aired on HBO, but what does ‘HBO’ stand for?

A. 11:  Home Box Office

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Q. 12:  The Greek root ‘syn’, found in words like synonym and syntax, means what?

A. 12:  It means ‘with’ or ‘together’.

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Q. 13:  From Here To where is the Oscar-winning movie with Deborah Kerr, Burt Lancaster and Frank Sinatra?

A. 13:  Eternity

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Q. 14:  What is the more common name for magnesium sulphate?

A. 14:  Epsom salts.

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Q. 15:  What was the former name of Taiwan?

A. 15:  Formosa

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Q. 16:  Which young star of the movie ‘East of Eden’ died in a car crash aged only 24?

A. 16:  James Dean

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Q. 17:  According to the expression coined by Andy Warhol, how many minutes of fame constitute the ephemeral condition ‘celebrity’?

A. 17:  15 minutes of fame.

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Q. 18:  Which South American country was ruled by Bernardo O’Higgins?

A. 18:  Chile

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Q. 19:  ‘Ruy Lopez’, ‘Monkey’s Bum’, ‘King’s Indian’, ‘Semi Tarrasch’, ‘Sicilian’, ‘Clam Variation’, ‘Scotch Game’ and ‘Giuoco Piano’ are all examples of what?

A. 19:  Chess openings.

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Q. 20:  In the movie ‘The Good, the Bad and The Ugly’, who played the three leading roles? (A point for each correct answer and a bonus point if you get all three.)

A. 20:  Clint Eastwood, Eli Wallach and Lee Van Cleef

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Without Me, It’s Just Aweso!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Just playing about with words again.

Yes, it’s another pun day!

Endure or enjoy, whatever is your pleasure.

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I can’t help being lazy.

It walks in the family.

lazy

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To Err is human

To Aarrrgh is Pirate.

penguinpiratearghLOGO

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I spent today trying to force as many

road signs from the ground as I could.

I pulled out all the stops.

stopsigns

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My son’s been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday,

so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!!

Bollocks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper on the web.

spider web

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The Wife bet me fifty bucks that

she could sing more football songs than me.

I beat her.

She had no Chants.

cheerleaders

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Barbie has an awful lot of nice mini skirts

for a girl whose knees don’t bend.

StarTrekKenBarbie

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What did the brown tooth say to the white tooth?

‘Iz it ‘coz I iz plaque?’

brown tooth white tooth

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Windows 8.

Such a pane!

Kipper Williams on Windows 8

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I read in the newspaper:

‘Two people killed in separate chain attacks’

That can’t be true I thought.

They must be linked.

chain

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It said on the News today that

“Cuts will hit the poor hardest”.

Why?

Can’t they even afford bandages?

bandaid

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A friend in the bar said, 

“I’ve just realized, your brothers Richard, Harold

and Charles are all named after kings.”

I said, ” Yeah, so! What’s your point?”

He said, ” Nothing. It’s your round Burger.”

burger_king_short

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The internet has become too politically correct.

What’s all this nonsense about disabled cookies?

In my day they were called broken biscuits.

disabled cookies

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I like to tell women that I’m responsible for

a large team of web designers.

I find it gets a better reception than saying

I live in an apartment that’s infested by spiders.    

cobwebs

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A guy walks into a bar and asks, “How much is your beer?”

The barman says, “$4 for a pint and $10 for a pitcher.”

“Just gimme me a pint then,” says the guy.

“I got enough photos already!”

bernard-schoenbaum-three-men-sit-at-bar-drinking-beer-on-each-man-s-shirt-is-one-letter-b-new-yorker-cartoon

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My friend asked to borrow some money after

losing his job at the local hospital as a Stool Sample analyst.

Of course I couldn’t let him down.

Not after all the shit he’s been through…    

stool sample

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I know this guy who hangs round on the corners of maps.

Legend.

map_legend

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Is your hair dull, lifeless and boring?

Well it’s hair, what else did you expect?

bad hair day

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I’ve spent five frustrating days

repeatedly shouting “Heal!” at my dog.

If it doesn’t work soon,

I might just have to take him to the vet.

mick-stevens-heal-cartoon

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I called the Suicide Help Line once,

saying that I felt like throwing myself in front of a train and needed help.

They told me to stay on the line.

man on railway line

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I walked into the hairdressers today.

The guy said, “Can I help you sir?”

I said, “I’m after a short cut”.

Then I walked through the shop and went out of the fire exit.

Cartoon shortcut. Normal cars, of course, had to go the long way.

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If an indoor shooting range is burning,

what does one scream to inform them? 

firing range

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Do You Know What Day It Is?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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If you do know what day it is then you’re off to a good start.

Yes, today is Quiz Day. No points for that answer, but lots to be had below.

And as usual the answers are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below – but NO cheating, please!

Let’s get started.

Enjoy.

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quiz 8

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Q.  1:  What was the name of the blind Benedictine monk who allegedly invented Champagne?

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Q.  2:  Which cartoon dog spars with Tom and Jerry?

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Q.  3:  What was the first war in which jet airplanes fought each other?

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Q.  4:  Who first played James Bond in the cinema?

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Q.  5:  Which civilization built Machu Picchu?

Q.  6:  The small Russian buckwheat pancakes that are often served with caviar are called what?

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Q.  7:  What is a part of the digestive system and the currency in Costa Rica?

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Q.  8:  In which 1964 movie did Clint Eastwood play ‘The Man With No Name’?

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Q.  9:  Who played the title role in the TV series Cannon?

Q. 10:  Parker and Barrow were the surnames, what were the Christian names?

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Q. 11:  Louisette was the original name for a famous decollator. What is the more common name for this device?

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Q. 12:  Which bird is said to embody the souls of dead mariners?

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Q. 13:  Which Japanese city was devastated by an earthquake on January 18th, 1995?

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Q. 14:  Which famous horror movie takes place in the sleepy little coastal town Bodega Bay?

Q. 15:  Which detective character used the catch-phrase “Book ‘um Danno”?

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Q. 16:  Plus or minus 1, how many centimeters in height does a woman lose (on average) between her 40th and 70th birthday?

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Q. 17:  Who was famously assassinated with an Ice Pick in Mexico?

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Q. 18:  What was codename of Bob Woodward’s Watergate contact?

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Q. 19:  In which city would you find the bar Cheers?

Q. 20:  Which astronomical occurrence popularized in a song title never occurs in February? (2 words)

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  What was the name of the blind Benedictine monk who allegedly invented Champagne?

A.  1:  Dom Perignon

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Q.  2:  Which cartoon dog spars with Tom and Jerry?

A.  2:  Spike

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Q.  3:  What was the first war in which jet airplanes fought each other?

A.  3:  The Korean war

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Q.  4:  Who first played James Bond in the cinema?

A.  4:  Sean Connery

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Q.  5:  Which civilization built Machu Picchu?

A.  5:  The Incas

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Q.  6:  The small Russian buckwheat pancakes that are often served with caviar are called what?

A.  6:  Blini

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Q.  7:  What is a part of the digestive system and the currency in Costa Rica?

A.  7:  Colon

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Q.  8:  In which 1964 movie did Clint Eastwood play ‘The Man With No Name’?

A.  8:  A Fistful Of Dollars

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Q.  9:  Who played the title role in the TV series Cannon?

A.  9:  William Conrad

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Q. 10:  Parker and Barrow were the surnames, what were the Christian names?

A. 10:  Bonnie and Clyde.

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Q. 11:  Louisette was the original name for a famous decollator. What is the more common name for this device?

A. 11:  Guillotine

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Q. 12:  Which bird is said to embody the souls of dead mariners?

A. 12:  Albatross

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Q. 13:  Which Japanese city was devastated by an earthquake on January 18th, 1995?

A. 13:  Kobe

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Q. 14:  Which famous horror movie takes place in the sleepy little coastal town Bodega Bay?

A. 14:  The Birds

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Q. 15:  Which detective character used the catch-phrase “Book ‘um Danno”?

A. 15:  Steve McGarrett – Hawaii Five-O

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Q. 16:  Plus or minus 1, how many centimeters in height does a woman lose (on average) between her 40th and 70th birthday?

A. 16:  5 cm.   (3 cm. for men)

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Q. 17:  Who was famously assassinated with an Ice Pick in Mexico?

A. 17:  Trotsky

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Q. 18:  What was codename of Bob Woodward’s Watergate contact?

A. 18:  Deep Throat

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Q. 19:  In which city would you find the bar Cheers?

A. 19:  Boston

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Q. 20:  Which astronomical occurrence popularized in a song title never occurs in February? (2 words)

A. 20:   Blue Moon 

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If It’s Monday It Must Be Quiz Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another chance to pit your wits against the fasab quiz archives with another random set of twenty questions.

Although there are one or two very easy ones, I think quite a lot of them are difficult this time, but here’s your chance to prove me wrong.

As always the answers are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below – but NO cheating.

Enjoy and good luck!

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quiz 10

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Q.  1: What does the http:// in web URLs stand for?

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Q.  2:  What is the hood ornament on a Rolls Royce called?

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Q.  3:  Which former president of the United States, in his college days, worked as a male model, and even appeared on the cover of Cosmopolitan?

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Q.  4:  In what country would you find the strangely named lakes “Titicaca” and “Poopo”?

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Q.  5:  Sleeping through the winter is called “hibernation,” but what is the word that describes sleeping through hot and dry periods like summer?

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Q.  6:  Members of the band “ZZ Top” are famous for their beards, but what was the surname of the only member who hadn’t got one?

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Q.  7:  In 1918 the so-called “Spanish Flu” spread around the world killing tens of millions of people, but where did the outbreak start?

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Q.  8:  Who was the only U.S. president never to sign a bill into law?

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Q.  9:  On which continent are the 50 tallest mountains on Earth are all located? (This is easy if you think about it)

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Q. 10:  Which world famous company’s name means “three oceans” in Japanese because the company’s founder wanted to sell his wares across the Indian, Atlantic, and Pacific oceans?

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Q. 11:  How old was Albert Einstein, a genius if ever there was one, when he learned how to drive?

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Q. 12:  What was the first ever registered domain name?

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Q. 13:  What city is America’s skyscraper capital?

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Q. 14:  Earlier this month the United States celebrated its birthday, but what is the only other country in the world to celebrate its birthday on July 4th?

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Q. 15:  Who is O’Hare International Airport in Chicago, Illinois named after?

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Q. 16:  The citizens of which country eat more donuts per capita than any other?

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Q. 17:  What European country is the world’s leading exporter of false teeth?

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Q. 18:  At more than 3.3 million square miles, what is the name of the world’s largest hot desert?

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Q. 19:  We have all seen a Snellen Chart, but what is it?

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Q. 20:  Possibly some of you have said “!#@%” when faced with a difficult question in this test, but what is the name for symbols such as “!#@%” that are used to indicate swearing in comic strips?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1: What does the http:// in web URLs stand for?

A.  1:  The http:// in web URLs stands for “Hyper Text Transfer Protocol.”

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Q.  2:  What is the hood ornament on a Rolls Royce called?

A.  2:  The Spirit of Ecstasy.

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Q.  3:  Which former president of the United States in his college days, worked as a male model, and even appeared on the cover of Cosmopolitan?

A.  3:  Former president Gerald Ford wasn’t always gray-haired and paunchy — in his college days, he worked as a male model, and even appeared on the cover of Cosmopolitan.

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Q.  4:  In what country would you find the strangely named lakes “Titicaca” and “Poopo”?

A.  4:  In Bolivia, South America.

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Q.  5:  Sleeping through the winter is called “hibernation,” but what is the word that describes sleeping through hot and dry periods like summer?

A.  5:  Sleeping through hot and dry periods like summer is called “estivation.”

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Q.  6:  Members of the band “ZZ Top” are famous for their beards, but what was the surname of the only member who hadn’t got one?

A.  6:  Ironically, the only member of ZZ Top without a beard has the last name Beard.

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Q.  7:  In 1918 the so-called “Spanish Flu” spread around the world killing tens of millions of people, but where did the outbreak start?

A.  7:  The so-called “Spanish Flu” of 1918 started at a military camp in Kansas before spreading around the world and killing millions.

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Q.  8:  Who was the only U.S. president never to sign a bill into law?

A.  8:  William Henry Harrison was the only U.S. president never to sign a bill into law — he died before having the opportunity.

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Q.  9:  On which continent are the 50 tallest mountains on Earth are all located? (This is easy if you think about it)

A.  9:  Mount Everest, the tallest mountain on Earth is located in the Himalayas in Asia so since it has to be one of the 50 tallest mountains on Earth, they all have to be located in Asia.

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Q. 10:  Which world famous company’s name means “three oceans” in Japanese because the company’s founder wanted to sell his wares across the Indian, Atlantic, and Pacific oceans?

A. 10:  Sanyo means “three oceans” in Japanese.

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Q. 11:  How old was Albert Einstein, a genius if ever there was one, when he learned how to drive?

A. 11:  Albert Einstein never learned how to drive.

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Q. 12:  What was the first ever registered domain name?

A. 12:  The first registered domain name was symbolics.com. It was registered on March 15th, 1985.

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Q. 13:  What city is America’s skyscraper capital?

A. 13:  Chicago is America’s skyscraper capital. The city has more 1,000-foot tall buildings than any other U.S. city.

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Q. 14:  Earlier this month the United States celebrated its birthday, but what is the only other country in the world to celebrate its birthday on July 4th?

A. 14:  The only other country in the world to celebrate the United States’ birthday, July 4th, is Denmark.

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Q. 15:  Who is O’Hare International Airport in Chicago, Illinois named after?

A. 15:  O’Hare International Airport in Chicago, Illinois is named after Al Capone’s lawyer’s son, Lt. Cmdr. Butch O’Hare.

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Q. 16:  The citizens of which country eat more donuts per capita than any other?

A. 16:  Canadians eat more donuts per capita than any other country.

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Q. 17:  What European country is the world’s leading exporter of false teeth?

A. 17:  Liechtenstein is the world’s leading exporter of false teeth.

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Q. 18:  At more than 3.3 million square miles, what is the name of the world’s largest hot desert?

A. 18:  At more than 3.3 million square miles, the Sahara Desert is as large as the world’s next 20 largest hot deserts combined.

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Q. 19:  We have all seen a Snellen Chart, but what is it?

A. 19:  The eye test chart with the big ‘E’ on top is known as the Snellen Chart.

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Q. 20:  Possibly some of you have said “!#@%” when faced with a difficult question in this test, but what is the name for symbols such as “!#@%” that are used to indicate swearing in comic strips?

A. 20:  Symbols such as “!#@%” that are used to indicate swearing in comic strips are called grawlix.

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