Disappearing Beaches And Dead Fish – It’s Fact Day.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Two of the facts today do indeed relate to disappearing beaches and dead fish.

Rather surprisingly though, the two facts are not related.

Find out for yourself below.

And enjoy.

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did you know1

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The optic nerve,

which connects the eyes to the brain,

is too sensitive to successfully reconstruct.

 optic nerve

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The most powerful conventional (non-nuclear) weapon

in the world is the

Aviation Thermobaric Bomb of Increased Power (ATBIP),

nicknamed “Father of All Bombs” or “FOAB’,

a Russian-made air-delivered/land-activated

thermobaric weapon whose destructive power,

according to Russian deputy chief of the general staff

Alexander Rukshin was such that,

“all that is alive merely evaporates.”

The bomb is reportedly four times as powerful as the

US military’s Massive Ordnance Air Blast bomb or “MOAB”

mentioned in last week’s fasab facts.

 Father of All Bombs

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South Africa has eleven official languages,

the highest number of any country in the world.

 South Africa has eleven official languages

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Swansea Jack was a black retriever dog from Wales

with a big heart and lots of courage that became

famous in the 1930s for rescuing people from the sea.

He saved twenty-seven people and won many

awards for his heroic acts.

Swansea Jack is the only dog to have been

awarded two bronze medals

(‘the canine Victoria Cross’)

by the National Canine Defence League

(now known as Dogs Trust).

 Swansea Jack

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Vitamin E acts as an antioxidant in the body

and supports the immune system in

fighting off bacteria and viruses.

Almonds, as well as other nuts like peanuts

and hazelnuts are high sources of vitamin E.

One ounce of dry roasted almonds

contains 6.8 mg of vitamin A,

which is 34% of the daily recommended value.

 dry roasted almonds

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The first book bought on Amazon was called

‘Fluid Concepts and Creative Analogies:

Computer Models of the Fundamental Mechanisms of Thought.’

 first book bought on Amazon

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Charles Cunningham Boycott was a British

land agent living in 19th century Ireland,

who was ostracized by his local community after

he refused his tenants´ demands for reduction in rates.

His name lives on  and is synonymous with acts of

political or social protest by voluntarily abstaining from

using, buying, or dealing with a person, organization, or country.

 Charles Cunningham Boycott

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At Porthleven in Cornwall (UK) the entire sand

volume mysteriously disappeared due to a freak tide,

but after a second high tide a few hours later,

the entire sand volume was re-deposited on the beach,

returning it to its original state.

A case of now you don’t see it, now you do!

(David Copperfield was not around at the time.)

 map Porthleven in Cornwall

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The Chevrolet Silverado is a mega-selling full-size

and heavy-duty pickup truck manufactured

by General Motors and introduced in 1999

as the successor to the long-running Chevrolet C/K line.

In 2014 Cheverolet sold 529,755 Silverados,

or almost 1 every minute.

 Chevrolet Silverado

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During the medieval period, London and Paris

each had no more than forty thousand residents.

In contrast cities, such as Constantinople and Baghdad,

had about a million people each.

 Medieval London

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The voices of Mickey & Minnie Mouse,

Wayne Allwine & Russi Taylor,

married each other in real life, too.

 Wayne Allwine & Russi Taylor wedding

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Vending machines kill more people per year

than sharks and snakes combined.

According to the available police reports

the deaths usually happen when the vending machine

steals somebody’s snack, drink, or money,

and they decide to hit it a bit too hard causing

the vending machine to fall on them.

 Vending machine

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In the German city of Hamburg in 1842,

about a quarter of the inner city was destroyed

and an estimated twenty thousand lost their property.

Surprisingly only fifty-one people lost their lives.

 Hamburg in 1842

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In Lyme Regis, a little coastal town

in West Dorset, England,

slapping people with a dead eel is prohibited.

There had been a tradition known as

“the conger-cuddling”, in which people swung

dead eels at each other but in 2006,

the game was banned by local bureaucrats not

because it might have injured the people taking

part in this activity but because

– wait for it –

an animal rights group claimed

it was disrespectful to the dead fish.

 conger_cuddling

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Wallilabou Anchorage, situated at Wallilabou Bay

on the west or leeward coast of the main island

of St Vincent on the Caribbean Sea,

was the principal Caribbean location for

Disney’s 2003 blockbuster ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’.

It is still home to many of the props,

including replicas of cannons.

Many fans visit it annually.

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“I Think” Said The Sweet Potato, “Therefore I Yam”

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The clue is in the title.

We’re playing with words again.

Yes, it’s pun day.

Enjoy!

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rofl

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I had no idea there were so many different types of sandpaper.

Luckily the guy in the shop gave me a rough guide.

sandpaper

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My grandfather tried to start his own company building airplanes.

But he couldn’t get it off the ground.

airplane

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I’ve just started time travelling with an old friend of mine.

We go back a long way.

time-travel-institute

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I used to have a job drilling for oil.

It was boring.

oil rig

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I had to start singing when I realized I didn’t have

enough money to get into the public toilets.

I was busking for a piss.

busker

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Every summer, my dad would take me to the beach,

put me in a chest and bury me in the sand.

Treasured memories.

boy with treasure map

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I’m having difficulty creating saline water.

I can’t work out if salt is part of the problem or part of the solution.

eureka-lab-cartoon

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I only got it two weeks and already my

Chinese sound system is broken.

So stereotypical.

sound system

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You know you’re in red neck territory when the

girls think Timberland is a theme park for lumberjacks.

wacky-races-06

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You know what seems odd to me?

Numbers that aren’t divisible by two.

Numbers-5-17-11-color

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I heard that Rapunzel used to be a real party animal.

She was always letting her hair down.

rapunzel__rapunzel__let_down_your_hair__by_miamidoll-d59m7pi

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After a hard day at work I thought it would be funny

to give my boss a big pat on the back.

That was my last day working on his farm.

cartoon-cow-pat-fly-buffet

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As I sat down to dinner with Gaius Marius, Julius Caesar

and my wife, she rolled her eyes and said

“No, I said I wanted more ROMANCE in our relationship”.

Romans at dinner

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I drink so much my liver is more like a dier.

Most Funny Drunk Animals (5)

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Monk: “What porn is acceptable?”

Archbishop: “Nun.”

catholiccartoonblog-pope-abuse-scandal-press-kick-me

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The banker said he could offer me a credit card with no interest.

I said, “Then why are you doing it?”

credit card cartoon2

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I got sacked from NASA for falling asleep on the rocket.

It completely ruined the salad at their summer barbecue.

rocket-salad-denna-jones-flickr

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Once on vacation my friend fell over a pyramid and hurt his mouth.

Egypt his tooth.

pyramids-of-egypt-cartoonpyramids-by-alexei-talimonov-media-culture-cartoon-toonpool-vrthbium

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The duck said to the bartender,

‘put it on my bill.’

looney-tunes-520-2

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I was in a Chinese restaurant last night and I asked

the waiter if there were any Chinese Jews.

He walked off then came back a while later and said,

“No we only have apple juice, lemon juice or orange juice.”

chinese restaurant

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Perfectly Timed Photos

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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More photos for this weekend.

Nothing beats a perfectly taken photo except perhaps a perfectly timed photo.

You will find a selection of the latter variety below.

Enjoy.

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ptp army squiral

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ptp arrows

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ptp asskid

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ptp bagpuss

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ptp basketball

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ptp Big Legged Baby

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ptp bongingkevin

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ptp bull

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ptp cheshirecat

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ptp Cocka Cola

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ptp dawg2

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ptp dog

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ptp doggy-breakdance

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ptp dogstand

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ptp don't lose your head

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Another Monday Quiz – Try It If You Dare!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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What better way to start of the week than with a quiz?

Okay, okay, so there are better ways, but this is the way we’re doing it here.

I think some of the questions are pretty tough this week, but if you are up for a challenge please have a go at them.

As always the answers are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but NO cheating!

Enjoy.

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Quiz 9

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Q  1:  From what animal do we get Catgut?

Q  2:  What country has more lakes that the rest of the world combined?

Q  3:  What is the collective noun for a group of Unicorns, should such a thing exist?

Q  4:  How many of each ‘clean’ animal did God tell Noah to take into the Ark?

Q  5:  How many people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th?

Q  6:  What is the name that means “Craft of the Wise Ones”?

Q  7:  What is printed on the tablet being held by the Statue of Liberty?

Q  8:  The largest Groundhog Day celebration is held in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, made famous by the film of that name starring Bill Murray and Andie McDowell. But what date is Groundhog Day?

Q  9:  By what name is the Tooth Fairy known in Mexico?

Q 10:  What former U.S. president worked as a lifeguard in his youth at a beach near Dixon, Illinois and saved over 77 lives?

Q 11:  What was the only commercial aircraft that able to break the sound barrier?

Q 12:  They were originally called Baby Gays. What do we know them better as?

Q 13:  What were the first words that Thomas A. Edison spoke into the phonograph? (Now you know this, even you think you don’t)

Q 14:  What disease killed over 20 million people worldwide in 1918?

Q 15:  Used in US English to describe a student in the second year of study at high school or university, what does the word “sophomore” literally mean?

Q 16:  The British call them a fruit machine, but what are they known as elsewhere?

Q 17:  What US State is known as “Land of Enchantment”?

Q 18:  The Tibetans call it Chomolungma. What do we know it better as?

Q 19:  The vast majority of people, male and female, have a Glabella, but what is it?

Q 20:  The largest library in the world is located in Washington D.C. What is its name?

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ANSWERS

Q  1:  From what animal do we get Catgut?

A  1:  Catgut comes from sheep not cats.

Q  2:  What country has more lakes that the rest of the world combined?

A  2:  Canada has more lakes that the rest of the world combined.

Q  3:  What is the collective noun for a group of Unicorns, should such a thing exist?

A  3:  A group of Unicorns is called a blessing.

Q  4:  How many of each ‘clean’ animal did God tell Noah to take into the Ark?

A  4:  According to Genesis 7:2, God told Noah to take 14 of each kind of ‘clean’ animal in to the ark.

Q  5:  How many people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th?

A  5:  Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.

Q  6:  What is the name that means “Craft of the Wise Ones”?

A  6:  Witchcraft

Q  7:  What is printed on the tablet being held by the Statue of Liberty?

A  7:  July IV, MDCCLXXVI

Q  8:  The largest Groundhog Day celebration is held in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, made famous by the film of that name starring Bill Murray and Andie McDowell. But what date is Groundhog Day?

A  8:  Groundhog Day is on February 2nd

Q  9:  By what name is the Tooth Fairy known in Mexico?

A  9:  In Mexico the Tooth Fairy is known as the Tooth Mouse, which takes the tooth and leaves treasures in its place

Q 10:  What former U.S. president worked as a lifeguard in his youth at a beach near Dixon, Illinois and saved over 77 lives?

A 10:  Ronald Reagan

Q 11:  What was the only commercial aircraft that able to break the sound barrier?

A 11:  The Anglo-French manufactured “Concorde”.

Q 12:  They were originally called Baby Gays. What do we know them better as?

A 12:  Q-Tip Cotton Swabs

Q 13:  What were the first words that Thomas A. Edison spoke into the phonograph? (Now you know this, even if you think you don’t)

A 13:  The first words that Thomas A. Edison spoke into the phonograph were, “Mary had a little lamb.”

Q 14:  What disease killed over 20 million people worldwide in 1918?

A 14:  The flu pandemic of 1918 killed over 20 million people

Q 15:  Used in US English to describe a student in the second year of study at high school or university, what does the word “sophomore” literally mean?

A 15:  “wise moron.”

Q 16:  The British call them a fruit machine, but what are they known as elsewhere?

A 16:  A slot machine.

Q 17:  What US State is known as “Land of Enchantment”?

A 17:  New Mexico is known as the “Land of Enchantment”

Q 18:  The Tibetans call it Chomolungma. What do we know it better as?

A 18:  Mount Everest

Q 19:  The vast majority of people, male and female, have a Glabella, but what is it?

A 19:  The space between your eyebrows is called the Glabella

Q 20:  The largest library in the world is located in Washington D.C. What is its name?

A 20:  The Library of Congress

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Stupid Politicians And Bureaucrats Make What? Yes, That’s Right – Stupid Laws

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There has to be a little bit of truth at least in the saying that you get the politicians you deserve. If you vote for morons then I’m afraid the odds are that you’ll get stupid laws, rules and regulations.

It’s a worldwide disease, but here is a continuation from last Wednesday of some of the lesser known laws that govern the good citizens in the United States (listed by state alphabetically, last week we covered A to L, this week it’s the M’s and N’s.).

Enjoy (or cringe, perhaps).  

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MAINE

  • To stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law. (Finally a law that is half sensible.)
  • Mercury thermometers may not be sold in the city.
  • It is illegal to park in front of Dunkin Donuts. (Hmmm, so that’s why there’s always a cop car outside it.)

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MARYLAND

  • It’s illegal to take a lion to the movies. (So dinner and a what then?)
  • An establishment using a strobe light must post a warning sign for epileptics. (They might have a fit if you didn’t.)
  • You may not curse inside the city limits. (WTF!)
  • It is a park rule violation to be in a public park with a sleeveless shirt. (Mine has sleeves, they’re short, but it has sleeves.)
  • Any person caught committing adultery is subject to a $10 fine. (Bill Clinton would probably consider that good value for money!)

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MASSACHUCETTS

  • At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches. (That’s dead mean.)
  • It is a crime to own an explosive golf ball.
  • Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
  • All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday. (That’s the only day I go to Church.)
  • It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath. (Oh, oh! I usually just take a shower.)
  • Selling arsenic-laced candy is subject to a $100 fine.
  • A woman can not be on top in sexual activities. (Yes, men are much better – awe, come on!)
  • Quakers and witches are banned.

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MICHIGAN

  • Willfully destroying your old radio is prohibited.
  • It is illegal for a man to scowl at his wife on Sunday.
  • Seducing or debauching an unmarried woman can earn five years in jail. (Or a much longer sentence if you have to marry her!)
  • It is illegal to let your pig run free in Detroit unless it has a ring in its nose. (What swine thought that one up?)
  • There is a law that makes it legal for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.
  • In Flint one who wears “saggy pants” can be jailed for four months. 
  • A woman isn’t allowed to cut her own hair without her husband’s permission. (So can she get a hairdresser or another woman to do it?)

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MINNESOTA

  • It is illegal to stand around any building without a good reason to be there. (I thought it was just supposed to be tents? You know loitering within tent?? See what I did there???)
  • A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head. (That one is quackers.)
  • Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head. (Are they subject to a paltry fine?)
  • Red cars may not drive down Lake Street, Minnieapolis.
  • Hamburgers may not be eaten on Sundays. (Hot dog!)

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MISSISSIPPI

  • If one is a parent to two illegitimate children, that person will go to jail for at least one month.
  • It is illegal to teach others what polygamy is.
  • A man may not seduce a woman by lying, and claiming he will marry her. (Who would do a thing like that?)
  • It is illegal for a male to be sexually aroused in public. (Stiff penalties no doubt!)

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MISSOURI

  • It is a crime to let an unaltered jackass run at large. (I’ve forgotten, who are Missouri’s Congressional Representatives?)
  • No person may own a PVC pipe. (No Blue Man Group in Missouri then.)
  • It’s illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket. (Like I said before, a good night out ruined.)
  • A milk man may not run while on duty. 
  • It shall be unlawful to provide beer or other intoxicants to elephants.  (And, I imagine, quite expensive.)
  • Minors are not allowed to purchase cap pistols, however they may buy shotguns freely. (Good law, give ‘em something that can kill people instead of just annoy them.)

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MONTANA

  • One may not pretend to abuse an animal in the presence of a minor. (You mean you have to do it for real?)
  • It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone. (Baaaaaaad law.)
  • In Helena it is an offence to let your water sprinkler wet a passer-by. (Well really, the very idea!)
  • It is a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail. (Try enforcing that one!)
  • It is illegal for a man and a woman to have sex in any other position other than missionary style. (Oh boy, knowing it’s illegal makes it even better!)
  • Seven or more Indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them. (Without reservations?)
  • It is illegal to bring a bomb or rocket at city council proceedings.
  • Worrying squirrels will not be tolerated. (You hear that Frank?)

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NEBRASKA

  • If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested.
  • It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license. (Straight up?)
  • Doughnut holes may not be sold.
  • It is illegal to do a reverse bungee jump. (Surely that’s stretching things a bit?)

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NEVADA

  • It’s still “legal” to hang someone for shooting your dog on your property.
  • A man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than himself at any one period during the day. (Do I hear a stampede of cheapskates heading for Nevada?)
  • It is illegal to lie down on the sidewalk. (That’s okay, I usually just fall down.)
  • Owning a slave is against the law. (Er… isn’t it everywhere?)

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NEW HAMPSHIRE

  • On Sundays citizens may not relieve themselves while looking up. (Remember to keep your eyes shut then.)
  • It is illegal to pick seaweed up off of the beach.
  • Spite fences cannot be higher than five feet. (Try looking over that, shorty!)
  • A law against shooting humans has been repealed. (Hands up sucker!)

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NEW JERSEY

  • It is illegal to wear a bullet-proof vest while committing a murder. (But weapons are okay?)
  • In Paterson it is illegal for an ice cream vendor to be annoying.
  • You cannot pump your own gas. (Oh yes I can, just listen.)
  • It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.
  • It is against the law to “frown” at a police officer.
  • You may not slurp your soup. (But it tastes nicer that way.)

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NEW MEXICO

  • Nudity is allowed, provided that male genitals are covered. (Bollocks!)
  • Women may walk in public topless provided they have their nipples covered. (Where’s the point?)
  • It’s forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public. (Even their heads?)
  • Abusing a computer is a crime.
  • You may not carry a lunchbox down Main Street in Las Cruces.

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NEW YORK

  • Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business. (Provided what is not being used as a business?)
  • It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing “body hugging clothing”. (That’s the law lycra or not!)
  • Citizens may not greet each other by “putting one’s thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers”. (Now that would just be as dumb as this law, wouldn’t it?)
  • The penalty for jumping off a building is death. (I understand the gravity of this law.)
  • A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.
  • While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door. (Farting is permitted is it?)
  • Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 PM (When else would you wear them?)

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NORTH CAROLINA

  • It’s against the law to sing off key. (Thank goodness Mrs Miller is from Missouri.)
  • In Transylvania County a Dalmation is deemed to be a “potentially dangerous” breed of dog. (Well spotted!)
  • Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.
  • While having sex, you must stay in the missionary position and have the shades pulled. (Now that’s a new name for them!)
  • Women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.

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NORTH DAKOTA

  • It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
  • Beer and pretzels can’t be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
  • Only US Citizens can be appointed to the Dry Pea and Lentil Council. (Naturally! What would foreigners know about such things?)
  • It is legal to shoot an Indian on horseback, provided you are in a covered wagon. (How can you be on horseback and in a covered wagon at the same time?)
  • One may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even for wearing a hat to a function where dancing is taking place.
  • A food seller cannot be held responsible for making someone fat.

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More Of Those Awkward Moments – Life’s Great Levelers, part three.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another selection of those awkward moments we all experience as we journey through life. Some make you laugh, some make you angry, but all of them make you feel a little bit stupider that you really thought you were.

Enjoy.

 

 

That awkward moment when you realize you left the rest room with your dress tucked into your undies.

(Definitely haven’t managed that one yet, but I know someone who has.)

 

 

That awkward moment when you accidentally fart doing sit-ups at the Gym.

(Hey, another gold medal possibility if they make it an Olympic sport. For ‘accidentally’ read ‘inevitably’.)


 

 

That awkward moment when you see someone coming your way after you’ve just farted.

(Why do you think people take dogs with them for walks?)

 

 

That awkward moment when your girlfriend asks you if you love her more than your car.

(There’s only one answer to this one.)

 

 

That awkward moment when you bend down and your pants rip and you’re wearing floral underwear.

(Hello sailor!!!)

 

 

That awkward moment when you get caught in the rain in a cheesecloth dress, and really big underwear.

(I told you I don’t wear dresses, but seen it happen, very funny. Really big underwear, also known to us men folk as, ‘kidney warmers’. Sorry ladies.)

 

 

That awkward moment when someone walks in while you’re changing.

(Can be just as awkward when you walk in on someone else – or not – depending.)

 

 

That awkward moment when you confidently say the wrong answer aloud in class.

(And then try to turn the whole thing into a bad joke.)

 

 

That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes and you slowly put another dish in the sink.

(Just do it with a smile and you’ll be okay. But only do it once.)

 

 

That awkward moment when you are trying to impress someone on the dance-floor but you dance into a pole.

(Prefer to watch other people dance where there are poles.)

 

 

That awkward moment when you think the trash can is a stool.

(So why hasn’t anyone invented a trash can that doubles as a stool – or is that a crap idea?)

 

 

The awkward moment when your friends make plans right in front of you, and the plans don’t include you.

(I can take a hint.)

 

 

That awkward moment when you’re so tired from taking a nap that you feel like to have to take another nap to get over your nap.

(Oh yes, the nap recovery nap nap!)

 

 

That awkward moment when you lose your bikini top in the surf.

(Not a problem for me, but I see the point…er..points??)

 

 

That awkward moment when you are on the beach and someone has told you that your tampon string is hanging out of your bikini.

(What does one do, and where does one do it?)

 

 

That awkward moment when you don’t know where to stand to pull your wedgie out without being noticed.

(Impossible to do without being seen. Impossible to do and still look elegant.)

 

 

That awkward moment when your neighbor starts talking to you while you’re hanging out your underwear.

(Hi there, washing the smalls today?)

 

 

That awkward moment when one heel flies off your high heels on the dance floor.

(It still baffles me why women wear high heels and how they can walk in them – or not, see videos.)

 

High heels fall 1

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High heels fall 2


 

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Drained Of Life – Almost

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

The last couple of blog post have concerned people featured in the Darwin Awards, “Never Hitch Your Wagon” about someone who wasn’t eligible because he survived his and his wife’s stupidity, and “Little Dumb And Large Dumber”  because their dumbness did make them successful Darwin Award winners.

I had a friend who almost featured in the Darwin Awards too. The only reason he didn’t was because they didn’t exist in those days and probably none of us would have had the presence of mind to nominate him anyway.

I won’t tell you his real name, have to expose the innocent and protect the guilty and all that, but his nickname was “Goners” pronounced “Gone-ers”. It was a nickname he gained after the incident I am now going to tell you about, and for most of his friends he’s still stuck with it to this day.

It happened when we were all young guys, in our teens and spending a leisurely summer messing around and generally enjoying life the way you can before you get older and wiser and burden yourself with responsibilities and debt and so forth. Then the Dads were paying the mortgage and bringing home the bacon (sometimes literally) and we were carefree and happy.

This day we decided to go for a walk along a nearby river. None of us were keen fishermen but we liked the river and walks along the riverbanks and the little stony beaches that the river’s meanders had left here and there. That particular summer was hot and a bit of bathing in the cool clear unpolluted water was also on the agenda.

It wasn’t a big river, no Amazon that’s for sure. Just about 50 feet across, or thereabouts, and maybe four or five feet deep towards the middle. There were a few deeper holes that serious fishermen tended to use, but we were always content messing around in the shallower water. It was fun and safe. In fact thinking and writing about it, I wish I was back there right now.

But I’m not, so on with the story.

Part of the river bank was relatively flat with only a slightly sloping bank down to the water. Other parts were a straight drop. And yet others consisted of a fairly steep slope down to the water’s edge.

Local farmers had dug drains at intervals to let rainwater run off their fields into the river, and between where the man-made drains ended and the river began, the water flow had over the years dug its own ‘V’ and then ‘U’ type trenches by eroding the top soil.

These had to be negotiated when one was walking along the riverbank, but it wasn’t a problem. That was how things were and everybody just accepted it and got on with it. I’m sure nowadays there would be a bureaucratic do-gooding group wanting all sorts of rules and regulations both to disrupt the farmer’s lives and to spoil the nature walk for the rest of us. In those days some interfering busybody was more likely to end up in the river and they knew it so they stayed away.

Of course, when I said the drains weren’t a problem, what I meant was they weren’t a problem for most of the people most of the time. But there’s always one idiot who will find a way to mess up even a nice summer’s day stroll along the riverbank.

Enter “Goners” into the story.

Although the day I am recounting was idyllic weather wise, during the previous night there had been a thunderstorm and some furious rain for a little while. The result of that was that the following morning there was considerable run-off of rainwater from the fields, via the farmer’s drains into the river. This made the areas close to the drains a little wet and slippery, not to mention mucky.

We had been walking for a few miles, successfully crossing all the open drains we had encountered. And then it happened!

“Goners” tripped or lost is concentration or something, but his balance went and he headed over the side of the riverbank.

At first this caused unbridled hilarity amongst the rest of us. We were laughing and pointing and cheering. If we had had pens and paper with us, no doubt we would have held up makeshift score cards critiquing the ‘dive’. But we hadn’t so we just laughed and laughed, not only at the dive but at the frantic wriggling and gurgling of “Goners” in the trench.

Then somebody twigged on what was happening and said, “OMG I think he’s drowning!”

“How can you drown in three inches of water?”, came a chorus of incredulous replies.

But he was.

“Goners” was in BIG trouble.

He WAS actually drowning in probably less then three inches of water.

“Goners” had fallen into the drain nature had made with the water erosion. Obviously he didn’t intend to, and, unprepared, he fell head first, with his arms by his sides, as opposed to being in a normal diving position with his arms outstretched in front of him and slightly raised.

As he had slid down the riverbank towards the water he had embedded himself farther and farther into the drain, trapping his arms by his side.

And when he reached the water, which was indeed barely three inches deep at the edge, his face including his nose and mouth were submerged under the level of the water.

The frantic wriggling wasn’t just to try to free his arms, but to try to get his mouth and nose out of the water to grab some much needed air. And he clearly wasn’t having much success.

Once we realized that he was in real trouble, of course it was all hands on deck so to speak and everyone rushed to his assistance. Two of us each grabbed one of his feet and pulled him back up the bank a little so that his head came out of the water. Much to his relief, and ours, “Goners” made a few huge grabs for air and the crisis seemed to be over.

Now I don’t know to this day whether what happened next was a deliberate act, something sub-conscious, or just another minor accident, but with his movement and gasping for air his feet, which like the rest of him were slippery with the muck from the drain, managed to slip out of our hands and he slid back into the water again. Gurgle, gurgle, wriggle, splutter, gurgle….

We knew he was in no danger this time and yes, we did laugh again. It was funny for everyone but “Goners”. Some of us – not me you understand, no definitely not me, of course not, don’t be silly, how could you think such a thing – could have played that game all day, pulling him out of the river and then letting him slide back in. Thinking about it now, we probably invented a new water-boarding technique, to us at the time it was just fun.

But we must have thought better of it after a couple of ‘dunks’ because the we pulled “Goners” out of the drain completely and back up on to dry land.

When he got his wits about him once again he said, “Thanks guys. I was nearly a goner.”

And that was his nickname for ever more, “Goners”.

It shows you just how easily and innocently things can happen that under different circumstances would have had a lot more tragic results.

Postscript:

Strangely enough, many years later, in the very same river as it happens, a guy called Willy (the same as featured in my blog post “Willy And Woof”) did the very same thing while walking back home from a bar, very, very drunk. That time however there was no one around to help.

Now he could have been a Darwin Award winner!