First of all congratulations to the Seattle Seahawks who won their first Super Bowl by crushing the Denver Broncos 43-8, in a rather one-sided game yesterday.
Today it’s the super quiz and this won’t be so easy.
Yes, another random selection of questions, a lot of which will set you a challenge I think.
As usual if you get stuck the answers can be found waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please NO cheating!
Enjoy and good luck.
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Q. 1: Who won a best actor Oscar for his portrayal of an anthropophagus?
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Q. 2: The Komodo dragon takes its name from as island in which country?
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Q. 3: Which car company built the classic ‘1962 250 GT Berlinetta Boxer’ automobile?
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Q. 4: Name the country from which the soup ‘Gazpacho’ originated?
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Q. 5: Name the fictional detective associated with ‘Miss Felicity Lemon’?
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Q. 6: In which famous movie would you find a robot called ‘Marvin’?
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Q. 7: ‘Winter’, ‘Secret’, ‘Dirty’, ‘Pastry’, ‘Cola’, ‘Pig’, ‘Honey’, ‘Football’, ‘Rif’ and ‘Cod’ are all examples of what?
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Q. 8: What sauce is made from the plant ‘Armorica rusticana’?
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Q. 9: Which of these is a comic character who appears in three plays by Shakespeare?
a) Rifle b) Musket c) Pistol
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Q. 10: Rather appropriately for this month, the following line ‘February made me shiver‘ is found in which song?
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Q. 11: Contestants from which South American country have won the most Miss Universe titles?
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Q. 12: Which of these actors has won the most Best Actor Oscars?
a) Tom Hanks b) Kevin Spacey c) Daniel Day Lewis d) Jeff Bridges
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Q. 13: John James Audubon is famous for his paintings of what?
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Q. 14: Which large sea in the south-western Pacific Ocean is named after a German?
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Q. 15: ‘Monique Delacroix’ was the mother of which debonair hero?
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Q. 16: What is the name and the color of Jim Henson’s most famous creation?
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Q. 17: This word is the name for a magnificent palace, a variety of apple and a person or thing without equal, what is it?
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Q. 18: Name the movie in which Michael Caine plays ‘Lt Gonville Bromhead’?
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Q. 19: What does a woman raise and hold up in a ‘Pabana’?
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Q. 20: Which very famous soothing English song uses the melody from Mozart’s ‘Ah! Vous dirai-je, Maman’?
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ANSWERS
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Q. 1: Who won a best actor Oscar for his portrayal of an anthropophagus?
A. 1: Anthony Hopkins in ‘The Silence of the Lambs’, an anthropophagus is a cannibal.
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Q. 2: The Komodo dragon takes its name from as island in which country?
A. 2: Indonesia. (Probably because of the name a lot of people guess Japan.)
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Q. 3: Which car company built the classic ‘1962 250 GT Berlinetta Boxer’ automobile?
A. 3: Ferrari.
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Q. 4: Name the country from which the soup ‘Gazpacho’ originated?
A. 4: Spain. (You also get a point if you said Portugal.)
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Q. 5: Name the fictional detective associated with ‘Miss Felicity Lemon’?
A. 5: Hercule Poirot.
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Q. 6: In which famous movie would you find a robot called ‘Marvin’?
A. 6: ‘A Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy’.
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Q. 7: ‘Winter’, ‘Secret’, ‘Dirty’, ‘Pastry’, ‘Cola’, ‘Pig’, ‘Honey’, ‘Football’, ‘Rif’ and ‘Cod’ are all examples of what?
A. 7: They are all names of different wars.
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Q. 8: What sauce is made from the plant ‘Armorica rusticana’?
A. 8: Horseradish.
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Q. 9: Which of these is a comic character who appears in three plays by Shakespeare?
a) Rifle b) Musket c) Pistol
A. 9: c) Pistol. (Pistol (fict) is a follower of Sir John Falstaff in Henry IV, Part 2 and The Merry Wives of Windsor. He is married to Mistress Quickly, and is a soldier in conflict with Fluellen, in Henry V.)
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Q. 10: Rather appropriately for this month, the following line ‘February made me shiver‘ is found in which song?
A. 10: American Pie (Don McLean).
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Q. 11: Contestants from which South American country have won the most Miss Universe titles?
A. 11: Venezuela (6, in 1979, 1981, 1986, 1996, 2008 and 2009).
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Q. 12: Which of these actors has won the most Best Actor Oscars?
a) Tom Hanks b) Kevin Spacey c) Daniel Day Lewis d) Jeff Bridges
A. 12: c) Daniel Day Lewis
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Q. 13: John James Audubon is famous for his paintings of what?
A. 13: Birds. (An original copy of his book ‘Birds of America’ sold in London at Sotheby’s for a record £7,321,250 (approximately $11.5 million) on 6 December 2010.)
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Q. 14: Which large sea in the south-western Pacific Ocean is named after a German?
A. 14: The Bismarck Sea.
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Q. 15: ‘Monique Delacroix’ was the mother of which debonair hero?
A. 15: James Bond.
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Q. 16: What is the name and the color of Jim Henson’s most famous creation?
A. 16: Kermit the Frog and he is green.
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Q. 17: This word is the name for a magnificent palace, a variety of apple and a person or thing without equal, what is it?
A. 17: Nonsuch.
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Q. 18: Name the movie in which Michael Caine plays ‘Lt Gonville Bromhead’?
A. 18: Zulu.
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Q. 19: What does a woman raise and hold up in a ‘Pabana’?
A. 19: Her skirt. The Pabana (or Peacock dance) is a solemn and stately Spanish dance.
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Q. 20: Which very famous soothing English song uses the melody from Mozart’s ‘Ah! Vous dirai-je, Maman’?
One of my blog friends, Kenton over at the Jittery Goat, wrote a post recently as part of the daily prompt series about the first book/story he read that gave him an interest in reading and writing. His choice was a good one, “To Kill A Mockingbird”.
On a few occasions I have been asked the same thing and it is a very good question to put to anyone who is interested in either reading or writing or both.
When I was growing up the main influence as regards reading and writing was school. I’m sure that is the same for many of you. I was both fortunate and unfortunate here.
For a few years I had an excellent English teacher. Someone who was interested in the subject she taught, but someone who was equally interested in passing on her enthusiasm for reading and writing to her pupils. She was a great teacher and a great influence on her pupils. One could not but develop a taste for English literature, for exploring other writers and for writing too.
Now for the bad news.
As happens in schools, as you progress through the grades sometimes your teachers change. And unfortunately mine did.
I got lumbered with the most awful teacher there has probably ever been. Another woman, but this woman was one of those self-absorbed dullards who would probably have made any subject the most boring and tedious thing in the world.
She could take the most exciting story and just drain the life out of it. With poetry she did the very same, just killed it stone dead with her monotonous voice and her complete lack of feeling for the subject.
Watching the proverbial paint drying or concrete setting was real exciting stuff compared to this woman’s classes!
The result?
Sadly, for a few years she turned me, and I would guess almost all her pupils completely off both reading and writing. I will never forgive her for that.
However time passed and although I’m not sure how exactly it happened, I got the urge to start to read again. Perhaps to ease myself back into it I decided to start with some short stories rather than a long book or novel.
And what a great choice that turned out to be.
The first story I read in my new life as a reader once again was called “An Occurrence At Owl Creek Bridge”. It was a tale set during the American Civil War and was written by Ambrose Bierce, who himself was a veteran of that war, and a gentleman of whom you will hear a lot more in future fasab posts.
And so I have been reading and writing ever since, mostly for my own amusement and occasionally, as in this blog, also for the amusement of others.
I’d be interested to find out what you make of this story so I have reproduced it below. If you are unfamiliar with it, or want to refresh you memory if you have read it before, grab a cup of coffee and enjoy.
And when you are finished let me know what you make of it.
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AN OCCURRENCE AT OWL CREEK BRIDGE
by
Ambrose Bierce
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A man stood upon a railroad bridge in northern Alabama, looking down into the swift water twenty feet below. The man’s hands were behind his back, the wrists bound with a cord. A rope closely encircled his neck. It was attached to a stout cross-timber above his head and the slack fell to the level of his knees. Some loose boards laid upon the ties supporting the rails of the railway supplied a footing for him and his executioners–two private soldiers of the Federal army, directed by a sergeant who in civil life may have been a deputy sheriff. At a short remove upon the same temporary platform was an officer in the uniform of his rank, armed. He was a captain.
A sentinel at each end of the bridge stood with his rifle in the position known as “support,” that is to say, vertical in front of the left shoulder, the hammer resting on the forearm thrown straight across the chest–a formal and unnatural position, enforcing an erect carriage of the body. It did not appear to be the duty of these two men to know what was occurring at the center of the bridge; they merely blockaded the two ends of the foot planking that traversed it.
Beyond one of the sentinels nobody was in sight; the railroad ran straight away into a forest for a hundred yards, then, curving, was lost to view. Doubtless there was an outpost farther along. The other bank of the stream was open ground–a gentle slope topped with a stockade of vertical tree trunks, loopholed for rifles, with a single embrasure through which protruded the muzzle of a brass cannon commanding the bridge. Midway up the slope between the bridge and fort were the spectators–a single company of infantry in line, at “parade rest,” the butts of their rifles on the ground, the barrels inclining slightly backward against the right shoulder, the hands crossed upon the stock.
A lieutenant stood at the right of the line, the point of his sword upon the ground, his left hand resting upon his right. Excepting the group of four at the center of the bridge, not a man moved. The company faced the bridge, staring stonily, motionless. The sentinels, facing the banks of the stream, might have been statues to adorn the bridge. The captain stood with folded arms, silent, observing the work of his subordinates, but making no sign. Death is a dignitary who when he comes announced is to be received with formal manifestations of respect, even by those most familiar with him. In the code of military etiquette silence and fixity are forms of deference.
The man who was engaged in being hanged was apparently about thirty-five years of age. He was a civilian, if one might judge from his habit, which was that of a planter. His features were good—a straight nose, firm mouth, broad forehead, from which his long, dark hair was combed straight back, falling behind his ears to the collar of his well fitting frock coat. He wore a moustache and pointed beard, but no whiskers; his eyes were large and dark gray, and had a kindly expression which one would hardly have expected in one whose neck was in the hemp. Evidently this was no vulgar assassin. The liberal military code makes provision for hanging many kinds of persons, and gentlemen are not excluded.
The preparations being complete, the two private soldiers stepped aside and each drew away the plank upon which he had been standing. The sergeant turned to the captain, saluted and placed himself immediately behind that officer, who in turn moved apart one pace.
These movements left the condemned man and the sergeant standing on the two ends of the same plank, which spanned three of the cross-ties of the bridge. The end upon which the civilian stood almost, but not quite, reached a fourth. This plank had been held in place by the weight of the captain; it was now held by that of the sergeant. At a signal from the former the latter would step aside, the plank would tilt and the condemned man go down between two ties. The arrangement commended itself to his judgement as simple and effective. His face had not been covered nor his eyes bandaged. He looked a moment at his “unsteadfast footing,” then let his gaze wander to the swirling water of the stream racing madly beneath his feet. A piece of dancing driftwood caught his attention and his eyes followed it down the current. How slowly it appeared to move! What a sluggish stream!
He closed his eyes in order to fix his last thoughts upon his wife and children. The water, touched to gold by the early sun, the brooding mists under the banks at some distance down the stream, the fort, the soldiers, the piece of drift–all had distracted him. And now he became conscious of a new disturbance. Striking through the thought of his dear ones was sound which he could neither ignore nor understand, a sharp, distinct, metallic percussion like the stroke of a blacksmith’s hammer upon the anvil; it had the same ringing quality.
He wondered what it was, and whether immeasurably distant or near by– it seemed both. Its recurrence was regular, but as slow as the tolling of a death knell. He awaited each new stroke with impatience and–he knew not why–apprehension. The intervals of silence grew progressively longer; the delays became maddening. With their greater infrequency the sounds increased in strength and sharpness. They hurt his ear like the trust of a knife; he feared he would shriek. What he heard was the ticking of his watch.
He unclosed his eyes and saw again the water below him. “If I could free my hands,” he thought, “I might throw off the noose and spring into the stream. By diving I could evade the bullets and, swimming vigorously, reach the bank, take to the woods and get away home. My home, thank God, is as yet outside their lines; my wife and little ones are still beyond the invader’s farthest advance.”
As these thoughts, which have here to be set down in words, were flashed into the doomed man’s brain rather than evolved from it the captain nodded to the sergeant. The sergeant stepped aside.
II
Peyton Farquhar was a well to do planter, of an old and highly respected Alabama family. Being a slave owner and like other slave owners a politician, he was naturally an original secessionist and ardently devoted to the Southern cause. Circumstances of an imperious nature, which it is unnecessary to relate here, had prevented him from taking service with that gallant army which had fought the disastrous campaigns ending with the fall of Corinth, and he chafed under the inglorious restraint, longing for the release of his energies, the larger life of the soldier, the opportunity for distinction. That opportunity, he felt, would come, as it comes to all in wartime.
Meanwhile he did what he could. No service was too humble for him to perform in the aid of the South, no adventure to perilous for him to undertake if consistent with the character of a civilian who was at heart a soldier, and who in good faith and without too much qualification assented to at least a part of the frankly villainous dictum that all is fair in love and war.
One evening while Farquhar and his wife were sitting on a rustic bench near the entrance to his grounds, a gray-clad soldier rode up to the gate and asked for a drink of water. Mrs. Farquhar was only too happy to serve him with her own white hands. While she was fetching the water her husband approached the dusty horseman and inquired eagerly for news from the front.
“The Yanks are repairing the railroads,” said the man, “and are getting ready for another advance. They have reached the Owl Creek bridge, put it in order and built a stockade on the north bank. The commandant has issued an order, which is posted everywhere, declaring that any civilian caught interfering with the railroad, its bridges, tunnels, or trains will be summarily hanged. I saw the order.”
“How far is it to the Owl Creek bridge?” Farquhar asked.
“About thirty miles.”
“Is there no force on this side of the creek?”
“Only a picket post half a mile out, on the railroad, and a single sentinel at this end of the bridge.”
“Suppose a man–a civilian and student of hanging–should elude the picket post and perhaps get the better of the sentinel,” said Farquhar, smiling, “what could he accomplish?”
The soldier reflected. “I was there a month ago,” he replied. “I observed that the flood of last winter had lodged a great quantity of driftwood against the wooden pier at this end of the bridge. It is now dry and would burn like tinder.”
The lady had now brought the water, which the soldier drank. He thanked her ceremoniously, bowed to her husband and rode away. An hour later, after nightfall, he repassed the plantation, going northward in the direction from which he had come. He was a Federal scout.
III
As Peyton Farquhar fell straight downward through the bridge he lost consciousness and was as one already dead. From this state he was awakened–ages later, it seemed to him–by the pain of a sharp pressure upon his throat, followed by a sense of suffocation. Keen, poignant agonies seemed to shoot from his neck downward through every fiber of his body and limbs. These pains appeared to flash along well defined lines of ramification and to beat with an inconceivably rapid periodicity.
They seemed like streams of pulsating fire heating him to an intolerable temperature. As to his head, he was conscious of nothing but a feeling of fullness — of congestion. These sensations were unaccompanied by thought. The intellectual part of his nature was already effaced; he had power only to feel, and feeling was torment. He was conscious of motion. Encompassed in a luminous cloud, of which he was now merely the fiery heart, without material substance, he swung through unthinkable arcs of oscillation, like a vast pendulum. Then all at once, with terrible suddenness, the light about him shot upward with the noise of a loud splash; a frightful roaring was in his ears, and all was cold and dark. The power of thought was restored; he knew that the rope had broken and he had fallen into the stream. There was no additional strangulation; the noose about his neck was already suffocating him and kept the water from his lungs. To die of hanging at the bottom of a river! — the idea seemed to him ludicrous. He opened his eyes in the darkness and saw above him a gleam of light, but how distant, how inaccessible!
He was still sinking, for the light became fainter and fainter until it was a mere glimmer. Then it began to grow and brighten, and he knew that he was rising toward the surface — knew it with reluctance, for he was now very comfortable. “To be hanged and drowned,” he thought, “that is not so bad; but I do not wish to be shot. No; I will not be shot; that is not fair.”
He was not conscious of an effort, but a sharp pain in his wrist apprised him that he was trying to free his hands. He gave the struggle his attention, as an idler might observe the feat of a juggler, without interest in the outcome. What splendid effort! — what magnificent, what superhuman strength! Ah, that was a fine endeavor!
Bravo! The cord fell away; his arms parted and floated upward, the hands dimly seen on each side in the growing light. He watched them with a new interest as first one and then the other pounced upon the noose at his neck. They tore it away and thrust it fiercely aside, its undulations resembling those of a water snake. “Put it back, put it back!” He thought he shouted these words to his hands, for the undoing of the noose had been succeeded by the direst pang that he had yet experienced. His neck ached horribly; his brain was on fire, his heart, which had been fluttering faintly, gave a great leap, trying to force itself out at his mouth. His whole body was racked and wrenched with an insupportable anguish! But his disobedient hands gave no heed to the command. They beat the water vigorously with quick, downward strokes, forcing him to the surface. He felt his head emerge; his eyes were blinded by the sunlight; his chest expanded convulsively, and with a supreme and crowning agony his lungs engulfed a great draught of air, which instantly he expelled in a shriek!
He was now in full possession of his physical senses. They were, indeed, preternaturally keen and alert. Something in the awful disturbance of his organic system had so exalted and refined them that they made record of things never before perceived. He felt the ripples upon his face and heard their separate sounds as they struck.
He looked at the forest on the bank of the stream, saw the individual trees, the leaves and the veining of each leaf–he saw the very insects upon them: the locusts, the brilliant bodied flies, the gray spiders stretching their webs from twig to twig. He noted the prismatic colors in all the dewdrops upon a million blades of grass.
The humming of the gnats that danced above the eddies of the stream, the beating of the dragon flies’ wings, the strokes of the water spiders’ legs, like oars which had lifted their boat — all these made audible music. A fish slid along beneath his eyes and he heard the rush of its body parting the water.
He had come to the surface facing down the stream; in a moment the visible world seemed to wheel slowly round, himself the pivotal point, and he saw the bridge, the fort, the soldiers upon the bridge, the captain, the sergeant, the two privates, his executioners. They were in silhouette against the blue sky. They shouted and gesticulated, pointing at him. The captain had drawn his pistol, but did not fire; the others were unarmed. Their movements were grotesque and horrible, their forms gigantic.
Suddenly he heard a sharp report and something struck the water smartly within a few inches of his head, spattering his face with spray. He heard a second report, and saw one of the sentinels with his rifle at his shoulder, a light cloud of blue smoke rising from the muzzle. The man in the water saw the eye of the man on the bridge gazing into his own through the sights of the rifle. He observed that it was a gray eye and remembered having read that gray eyes were keenest, and that all famous marksmen had them. Nevertheless, this one had missed.
A counter-swirl had caught Farquhar and turned him half round; he was again looking at the forest on the bank opposite the fort. The sound of a clear, high voice in a monotonous singsong now rang out behind him and came across the water with a distinctness that pierced and subdued all other sounds, even the beating of the ripples in his ears.
Although no soldier, he had frequented camps enough to know the dread significance of that deliberate, drawling, aspirated chant; the lieutenant on shore was taking a part in the morning’s work. How coldly and pitilessly — with what an even, calm intonation, presaging, and enforcing tranquility in the men — with what accurately measured interval fell those cruel words:
Farquhar dived — dived as deeply as he could. The water roared in his ears like the voice of Niagara, yet he heard the dull thunder of the volley and, rising again toward the surface, met shining bits of metal, singularly flattened, oscillating slowly downward. Some of them touched him on the face and hands, then fell away, continuing their descent. One lodged between his collar and neck; it was uncomfortably warm and he snatched it out.
As he rose to the surface, gasping for breath, he saw that he had been a long time under water; he was perceptibly farther downstream — nearer to safety. The soldiers had almost finished reloading; the metal ramrods flashed all at once in the sunshine as they were drawn from the barrels, turned in the air, and thrust into their sockets. The two sentinels fired again, independently and ineffectually.
The hunted man saw all this over his shoulder; he was now swimming vigorously with the current. His brain was as energetic as his arms and legs; he thought with the rapidity of lightning:
“The officer,” he reasoned, “will not make that martinet’s error a second time. It is as easy to dodge a volley as a single shot. He has probably already given the command to fire at will. God help me, I cannot dodge them all!”
An appalling splash within two yards of him was followed by a loud, rushing sound, DIMINUENDO, which seemed to travel back through the air to the fort and died in an explosion which stirred the very river to its deeps! A rising sheet of water curved over him, fell down upon him, blinded him, strangled him! The cannon had taken an hand in the game. As he shook his head free from the commotion of the smitten water he heard the deflected shot humming through the air ahead, and in an instant it was cracking and smashing the branches in the forest beyond.
“They will not do that again,” he thought; “the next time they will use a charge of grape. I must keep my eye upon the gun; the smoke will apprise me–the report arrives too late; it lags behind the missile. That is a good gun.”
Suddenly he felt himself whirled round and round — spinning like a top. The water, the banks, the forests, the now distant bridge, fort and men, all were commingled and blurred. Objects were represented by their colors only; circular horizontal streaks of color — that was all he saw. He had been caught in a vortex and was being whirled on with a velocity of advance and gyration that made him giddy and sick. In few moments he was flung upon the gravel at the foot of the left bank of the stream — the southern bank — and behind a projecting point which concealed him from his enemies. The sudden arrest of his motion, the abrasion of one of his hands on the gravel, restored him, and he wept with delight. He dug his fingers into the sand, threw it over himself in handfuls and audibly blessed it. It looked like diamonds, rubies, emeralds; he could think of nothing beautiful which it did not resemble. The trees upon the bank were giant garden plants; he noted a definite order in their arrangement, inhaled the fragrance of their blooms. A strange roseate light shone through the spaces among their trunks and the wind made in their branches the music of Aeolian harps. He had not wish to perfect his escape — he was content to remain in that enchanting spot until retaken.
A whiz and a rattle of grapeshot among the branches high above his head roused him from his dream. The baffled cannoneer had fired him a random farewell. He sprang to his feet, rushed up the sloping bank, and plunged into the forest.
All that day he traveled, laying his course by the rounding sun. The forest seemed interminable; nowhere did he discover a break in it, not even a woodman’s road. He had not known that he lived in so wild a region. There was something uncanny in the revelation.
By nightfall he was fatigued, footsore, famished. The thought of his wife and children urged him on. At last he found a road which led him in what he knew to be the right direction. It was as wide and straight as a city street, yet it seemed untraveled. No fields bordered it, no dwelling anywhere. Not so much as the barking of a dog suggested human habitation. The black bodies of the trees formed a straight wall on both sides, terminating on the horizon in a point, like a diagram in a lesson in perspective. Overhead, as he looked up through this rift in the wood, shone great golden stars looking unfamiliar and grouped in strange constellations. He was sure they were arranged in some order which had a secret and malign significance. The wood on either side was full of singular noises, among which — once, twice, and again–he distinctly heard whispers in an unknown tongue.
His neck was in pain and lifting his hand to it found it horribly swollen. He knew that it had a circle of black where the rope had bruised it. His eyes felt congested; he could no longer close them.
His tongue was swollen with thirst; he relieved its fever by thrusting it forward from between his teeth into the cold air. How softly the turf had carpeted the untraveled avenue — he could no longer feel the roadway beneath his feet!
Doubtless, despite his suffering, he had fallen asleep while walking, for now he sees another scene — perhaps he has merely recovered from a delirium. He stands at the gate of his own home. All is as he left it, and all bright and beautiful in the morning sunshine. He must have traveled the entire night. As he pushes open the gate and passes up the wide white walk, he sees a flutter of female garments; his wife, looking fresh and cool and sweet, steps down from the veranda to meet him. At the bottom of the steps she stands waiting, with a smile of ineffable joy, an attitude of matchless grace and dignity. Ah, how beautiful she is! He springs forwards with extended arms. As he is about to clasp her he feels a stunning blow upon the back of the neck; a blinding white light blazes all about him with a sound like the shock of a cannon — then all is darkness and silence!
Peyton Farquhar was dead; his body, with a broken neck, swung gently from side to side beneath the timbers of the Owl Creek bridge.
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If you prefer to listen while you do something else, here is an audio version of the story:
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An Occurrence At Owl Creek Bridge by Ambrose Bierce, narrated by Robert Englund, part one of four
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An Occurrence At Owl Creek Bridge by Ambrose Bierce, narrated by Robert Englund, part two of four
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An Occurrence At Owl Creek Bridge by Ambrose Bierce, narrated by Robert Englund, part three of four
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An Occurrence At Owl Creek Bridge by Ambrose Bierce, narrated by Robert Englund, part four of four
There has to be a little bit of truth at least in the saying that you get the politicians you deserve. If you vote for morons then I’m afraid the odds are that you’ll get stupid laws, rules and regulations.
It’s a worldwide disease, but here is a continuation from last Wednesday of some of the lesser known laws that govern the good citizens in the United States (listed by state alphabetically, last week we covered A to L, this week it’s the M’s and N’s.).
Enjoy (or cringe, perhaps).
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MAINE
To stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law. (Finally a law that is half sensible.)
Mercury thermometers may not be sold in the city.
It is illegal to park in front of Dunkin Donuts. (Hmmm, so that’s why there’s always a cop car outside it.)
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MARYLAND
It’s illegal to take a lion to the movies. (So dinner and a what then?)
An establishment using a strobe light must post a warning sign for epileptics. (They might have a fit if you didn’t.)
You may not curse inside the city limits. (WTF!)
It is a park rule violation to be in a public park with a sleeveless shirt. (Mine has sleeves, they’re short, but it has sleeves.)
Any person caught committing adultery is subject to a $10 fine. (Bill Clinton would probably consider that good value for money!)
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MASSACHUCETTS
At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches. (That’s dead mean.)
It is a crime to own an explosive golf ball.
Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday. (That’s the only day I go to Church.)
It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath. (Oh, oh! I usually just take a shower.)
Selling arsenic-laced candy is subject to a $100 fine.
A woman can not be on top in sexual activities. (Yes, men are much better – awe, come on!)
Quakers and witches are banned.
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MICHIGAN
Willfully destroying your old radio is prohibited.
It is illegal for a man to scowl at his wife on Sunday.
Seducing or debauching an unmarried woman can earn five years in jail. (Or a much longer sentence if you have to marry her!)
It is illegal to let your pig run free in Detroit unless it has a ring in its nose. (What swine thought that one up?)
There is a law that makes it legal for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.
In Flint one who wears “saggy pants” can be jailed for four months.
A woman isn’t allowed to cut her own hair without her husband’s permission. (So can she get a hairdresser or another woman to do it?)
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MINNESOTA
It is illegal to stand around any building without a good reason to be there. (I thought it was just supposed to be tents? You know loitering within tent?? See what I did there???)
A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head. (That one is quackers.)
Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head. (Are they subject to a paltry fine?)
Red cars may not drive down Lake Street, Minnieapolis.
Hamburgers may not be eaten on Sundays. (Hot dog!)
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MISSISSIPPI
If one is a parent to two illegitimate children, that person will go to jail for at least one month.
It is illegal to teach others what polygamy is.
A man may not seduce a woman by lying, and claiming he will marry her. (Who would do a thing like that?)
It is illegal for a male to be sexually aroused in public. (Stiff penalties no doubt!)
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MISSOURI
It is a crime to let an unaltered jackass run at large. (I’ve forgotten, who are Missouri’s Congressional Representatives?)
No person may own a PVC pipe. (No Blue Man Group in Missouri then.)
It’s illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket. (Like I said before, a good night out ruined.)
A milk man may not run while on duty.
It shall be unlawful to provide beer or other intoxicants to elephants. (And, I imagine, quite expensive.)
Minors are not allowed to purchase cap pistols, however they may buy shotguns freely. (Good law, give ‘em something that can kill people instead of just annoy them.)
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MONTANA
One may not pretend to abuse an animal in the presence of a minor. (You mean you have to do it for real?)
It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone. (Baaaaaaad law.)
In Helena it is an offence to let your water sprinkler wet a passer-by. (Well really, the very idea!)
It is a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail. (Try enforcing that one!)
It is illegal for a man and a woman to have sex in any other position other than missionary style. (Oh boy, knowing it’s illegal makes it even better!)
Seven or more Indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them. (Without reservations?)
It is illegal to bring a bomb or rocket at city council proceedings.
Worrying squirrels will not be tolerated. (You hear that Frank?)
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NEBRASKA
If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested.
It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license. (Straight up?)
Doughnut holes may not be sold.
It is illegal to do a reverse bungee jump. (Surely that’s stretching things a bit?)
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NEVADA
It’s still “legal” to hang someone for shooting your dog on your property.
A man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than himself at any one period during the day. (Do I hear a stampede of cheapskates heading for Nevada?)
It is illegal to lie down on the sidewalk. (That’s okay, I usually just fall down.)
Owning a slave is against the law. (Er… isn’t it everywhere?)
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NEW HAMPSHIRE
On Sundays citizens may not relieve themselves while looking up. (Remember to keep your eyes shut then.)
It is illegal to pick seaweed up off of the beach.
Spite fences cannot be higher than five feet. (Try looking over that, shorty!)
A law against shooting humans has been repealed. (Hands up sucker!)
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NEW JERSEY
It is illegal to wear a bullet-proof vest while committing a murder. (But weapons are okay?)
In Paterson it is illegal for an ice cream vendor to be annoying.
You cannot pump your own gas. (Oh yes I can, just listen.)
It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.
It is against the law to “frown” at a police officer.
You may not slurp your soup. (But it tastes nicer that way.)
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NEW MEXICO
Nudity is allowed, provided that male genitals are covered. (Bollocks!)
Women may walk in public topless provided they have their nipples covered. (Where’s the point?)
It’s forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public. (Even their heads?)
Abusing a computer is a crime.
You may not carry a lunchbox down Main Street in Las Cruces.
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NEW YORK
Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business. (Provided what is not being used as a business?)
It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing “body hugging clothing”. (That’s the law lycra or not!)
Citizens may not greet each other by “putting one’s thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers”. (Now that would just be as dumb as this law, wouldn’t it?)
The penalty for jumping off a building is death. (I understand the gravity of this law.)
A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.
While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door. (Farting is permitted is it?)
Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 PM (When else would you wear them?)
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NORTH CAROLINA
It’s against the law to sing off key. (Thank goodness Mrs Miller is from Missouri.)
In Transylvania County a Dalmation is deemed to be a “potentially dangerous” breed of dog. (Well spotted!)
Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.
While having sex, you must stay in the missionary position and have the shades pulled. (Now that’s a new name for them!)
Women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.
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NORTH DAKOTA
It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
Beer and pretzels can’t be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
Only US Citizens can be appointed to the Dry Pea and Lentil Council. (Naturally! What would foreigners know about such things?)
It is legal to shoot an Indian on horseback, provided you are in a covered wagon. (How can you be on horseback and in a covered wagon at the same time?)
One may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even for wearing a hat to a function where dancing is taking place.
A food seller cannot be held responsible for making someone fat.
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