Have You Noticed, Winzip Files Are Becoming Rar These Days.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A little nerdy pun in the title to set the tone for today, because it’s another Pun Day.

Some more plays on words, which you will either….

Enjoy or endure!

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I was thinking of getting a tattoo on my palm

On the other hand I might not bother.

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I’m giving away a free gate.

Honestly, there’s no catch.

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A Rastafarian just gave my friend a haircut.

He looks dreadful.

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Just been thinking, Hooters should do a home delivery service.

They could call it Knockers.

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Whenever anybody asks what I do.

I tell them I’m a Thai boxer, to make myself sound hard.

Sounds better than telling them

I pack men’s neckwear in a warehouse.

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I find it difficult to count in

Roman numerals until the number 159.

Then it just CLIX.

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If you’d like to know more about bulimia,

just do a Google search and see what it throws up.

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I used to live in a tire, but it got a puncture.

Now I just live in a flat.

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Statistically speaking,

the word “duck” is 75% obscene.

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To those men who whinge and whine

saying it’s too hard to cultivate apples,

I say, “Grow a pear.”

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I want to thank my friend, who looked up

“Agglomeration” for me in the dictionary.

It means a lot.

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Do you think that a Clairvoyants meeting has

ever been cancelled due to unforeseen events.

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I’ve written a book about

an Apartment block for Midgets.

It’s a collection of short storeys.

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My Korean friend died last week.

So Yung…

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Apparently Matt Damon believes in two things:

Sequels, and reincarnation.

Basically, he thinks he’ll be Bourne again.

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“I Think” Said The Sweet Potato, “Therefore I Yam”

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The clue is in the title.

We’re playing with words again.

Yes, it’s pun day.

Enjoy!

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I had no idea there were so many different types of sandpaper.

Luckily the guy in the shop gave me a rough guide.

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My grandfather tried to start his own company building airplanes.

But he couldn’t get it off the ground.

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I’ve just started time travelling with an old friend of mine.

We go back a long way.

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I used to have a job drilling for oil.

It was boring.

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I had to start singing when I realized I didn’t have

enough money to get into the public toilets.

I was busking for a piss.

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Every summer, my dad would take me to the beach,

put me in a chest and bury me in the sand.

Treasured memories.

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I’m having difficulty creating saline water.

I can’t work out if salt is part of the problem or part of the solution.

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I only got it two weeks and already my

Chinese sound system is broken.

So stereotypical.

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You know you’re in red neck territory when the

girls think Timberland is a theme park for lumberjacks.

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You know what seems odd to me?

Numbers that aren’t divisible by two.

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I heard that Rapunzel used to be a real party animal.

She was always letting her hair down.

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After a hard day at work I thought it would be funny

to give my boss a big pat on the back.

That was my last day working on his farm.

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As I sat down to dinner with Gaius Marius, Julius Caesar

and my wife, she rolled her eyes and said

“No, I said I wanted more ROMANCE in our relationship”.

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I drink so much my liver is more like a dier.

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Monk: “What porn is acceptable?”

Archbishop: “Nun.”

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The banker said he could offer me a credit card with no interest.

I said, “Then why are you doing it?”

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I got sacked from NASA for falling asleep on the rocket.

It completely ruined the salad at their summer barbecue.

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Once on vacation my friend fell over a pyramid and hurt his mouth.

Egypt his tooth.

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The duck said to the bartender,

‘put it on my bill.’

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I was in a Chinese restaurant last night and I asked

the waiter if there were any Chinese Jews.

He walked off then came back a while later and said,

“No we only have apple juice, lemon juice or orange juice.”

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More Dumb Quiz Show Answers

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I thought we were coming to an end of these, but it seems there are still a few more intellectual gems to be discovered.

Have a look at this latest selection from the quiz show contestants who should have stayed at home.

Enjoy.

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Q:  In botany, what is the scientific term for a plant that lives for more than two years?

A:  A tree

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Q:  What “E” is the world’s highest mountain?

A:  Everglades

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Q:  George Bernard Shaw called this condition “the greatest of evils and the worst of crimes.”

A:  What is marriage?

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Q:  Name a country in South America

A:  Africa

A:  Rio De Janeiro

A:  Spain

A:  Fiji

A:  Armenia

A:  Saudi Arabia

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Q:  Name something you squeeze

A:  Peanut butter

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Q:  Name a planet you recognize just by looking at a picture of it

A:  The Moon

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Q:  Name something you often misplace in your car

A:  Steering wheel

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Q:  Besides an airplane, name something man-made that flies

A:  A jet

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Q:  Name something that doesn’t work without water

A:  Ice cream cone

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Q:  Name a noisy bird

A:  Chipmunk

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Q:  Name something a duck and a chicken have in common

A:  They quack

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Q:  Name a happy occasion where you feel a little let down when it’s over

A:  Funeral

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Q:  Name a male dancer

A:  Betty Grable

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Q:  The birthday that men dread the most

A:  Their wife’s

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Q:  Name a children’s story about an animal

A:  David and Goliath

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Q:  Something that’s murder to clean up when you spill it           

A:  Blood

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Q:  Name a measurement of time

A:  Watch

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Q:  Something associated with Cuba

A:  It’s in South America

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Q:  Name a movie with the word “King” in it

A:  King Dracula

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2013, The Year Of The Pun

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Okay, so maybe 2013 isn’t exactly the year of the pun, but I’ll try to do my best to make sure they appear now and again.

And what better time to continue than right now?

Enjoy!

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I took part in a survey about nervous twitches.

I ticked all the boxes.

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My Butcher is selling meat on hire purchase.

But you have to have a joint account.

 

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I went to a bondage party recently.

I was roped into it.

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The invisible man marries the invisible woman….

The kids were nothing to look at either.

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Two cows standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly: “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”

“I don’t believe you,” replies Dolly.

“It’s true, no bull!”

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Why can’t Chinese couples have caucasian babies?

Because two Wongs don’t make a White!

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“Good afternoon. Incontinence hotline. Can you hold please?”

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Did you hear about the two gay ghosts?

They gave each other the willies!

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A 14-year-old boy has been injured in a vicious race attack.

Thankfully, none of the other runners were affected.

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Did you hear about the leper who made his living as a gigolo?

He was doing great until his business fell off.

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Did you hear about the guy who drowned in a bowl of Muesli?

He was dragged under by a strong current.

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What do you call a German baked bean?

Heinz.

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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.

He said, “How flexible are you?”

I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

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http://www.conjunctivitis.com

A site for sore eyes

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What do you call a group of epileptics in a bowl?

Seizure Salad!

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How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Stick it in the microwave until it`s Bill Withers!

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Stupid Politicians And Bureaucrats Make What? Yes, That’s Right – Stupid Laws

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There has to be a little bit of truth at least in the saying that you get the politicians you deserve. If you vote for morons then I’m afraid the odds are that you’ll get stupid laws, rules and regulations.

It’s a worldwide disease, but here is a continuation from last Wednesday of some of the lesser known laws that govern the good citizens in the United States (listed by state alphabetically, last week we covered A to L, this week it’s the M’s and N’s.).

Enjoy (or cringe, perhaps).  

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MAINE

• To stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law. (Finally a law that is half sensible.)
• Mercury thermometers may not be sold in the city.
• It is illegal to park in front of Dunkin Donuts. (Hmmm, so that’s why there’s always a cop car outside it.)

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MARYLAND

• It’s illegal to take a lion to the movies. (So dinner and a what then?)
• An establishment using a strobe light must post a warning sign for epileptics. (They might have a fit if you didn’t.)
• You may not curse inside the city limits. (WTF!)
• It is a park rule violation to be in a public park with a sleeveless shirt. (Mine has sleeves, they’re short, but it has sleeves.)
• Any person caught committing adultery is subject to a $10 fine. (Bill Clinton would probably consider that good value for money!)

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MASSACHUCETTS

• At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches. (That’s dead mean.)
• It is a crime to own an explosive golf ball.
• Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
• All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday. (That’s the only day I go to Church.)
• It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath. (Oh, oh! I usually just take a shower.)
• Selling arsenic-laced candy is subject to a $100 fine.
• A woman can not be on top in sexual activities. (Yes, men are much better – awe, come on!)
• Quakers and witches are banned.

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MICHIGAN

• Willfully destroying your old radio is prohibited.
• It is illegal for a man to scowl at his wife on Sunday.
• Seducing or debauching an unmarried woman can earn five years in jail. (Or a much longer sentence if you have to marry her!)
• It is illegal to let your pig run free in Detroit unless it has a ring in its nose. (What swine thought that one up?)
• There is a law that makes it legal for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.
• In Flint one who wears “saggy pants” can be jailed for four months. 
• A woman isn’t allowed to cut her own hair without her husband’s permission. (So can she get a hairdresser or another woman to do it?)

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MINNESOTA

• It is illegal to stand around any building without a good reason to be there. (I thought it was just supposed to be tents? You know loitering within tent?? See what I did there???)
• A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head. (That one is quackers.)
• Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head. (Are they subject to a paltry fine?)
• Red cars may not drive down Lake Street, Minnieapolis.
• Hamburgers may not be eaten on Sundays. (Hot dog!)

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MISSISSIPPI

• If one is a parent to two illegitimate children, that person will go to jail for at least one month.
• It is illegal to teach others what polygamy is.
• A man may not seduce a woman by lying, and claiming he will marry her. (Who would do a thing like that?)
• It is illegal for a male to be sexually aroused in public. (Stiff penalties no doubt!)

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MISSOURI

• It is a crime to let an unaltered jackass run at large. (I’ve forgotten, who are Missouri’s Congressional Representatives?)
• No person may own a PVC pipe. (No Blue Man Group in Missouri then.)
• It’s illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket. (Like I said before, a good night out ruined.)
• A milk man may not run while on duty. 
• It shall be unlawful to provide beer or other intoxicants to elephants.  (And, I imagine, quite expensive.)
• Minors are not allowed to purchase cap pistols, however they may buy shotguns freely. (Good law, give ‘em something that can kill people instead of just annoy them.)

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MONTANA

• One may not pretend to abuse an animal in the presence of a minor. (You mean you have to do it for real?)
• It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone. (Baaaaaaad law.)
• In Helena it is an offence to let your water sprinkler wet a passer-by. (Well really, the very idea!)
• It is a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail. (Try enforcing that one!)
• It is illegal for a man and a woman to have sex in any other position other than missionary style. (Oh boy, knowing it’s illegal makes it even better!)
• Seven or more Indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them. (Without reservations?)
• It is illegal to bring a bomb or rocket at city council proceedings.
• Worrying squirrels will not be tolerated. (You hear that Frank?)

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NEBRASKA

• If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested.
• It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license. (Straight up?)
• Doughnut holes may not be sold.
• It is illegal to do a reverse bungee jump. (Surely that’s stretching things a bit?)

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NEVADA

• It’s still “legal” to hang someone for shooting your dog on your property.
• A man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than himself at any one period during the day. (Do I hear a stampede of cheapskates heading for Nevada?)
• It is illegal to lie down on the sidewalk. (That’s okay, I usually just fall down.)
• Owning a slave is against the law. (Er… isn’t it everywhere?)

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NEW HAMPSHIRE

• On Sundays citizens may not relieve themselves while looking up. (Remember to keep your eyes shut then.)
• It is illegal to pick seaweed up off of the beach.
• Spite fences cannot be higher than five feet. (Try looking over that, shorty!)
• A law against shooting humans has been repealed. (Hands up sucker!)

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NEW JERSEY

• It is illegal to wear a bullet-proof vest while committing a murder. (But weapons are okay?)
• In Paterson it is illegal for an ice cream vendor to be annoying.
• You cannot pump your own gas. (Oh yes I can, just listen.)
• It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.
• It is against the law to “frown” at a police officer.
• You may not slurp your soup. (But it tastes nicer that way.)

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NEW MEXICO

• Nudity is allowed, provided that male genitals are covered. (Bollocks!)
• Women may walk in public topless provided they have their nipples covered. (Where’s the point?)
• It’s forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public. (Even their heads?)
• Abusing a computer is a crime.
• You may not carry a lunchbox down Main Street in Las Cruces.

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NEW YORK

• Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business. (Provided what is not being used as a business?)
• It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing “body hugging clothing”. (That’s the law lycra or not!)
• Citizens may not greet each other by “putting one’s thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers”. (Now that would just be as dumb as this law, wouldn’t it?)
• The penalty for jumping off a building is death. (I understand the gravity of this law.)
• A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.
• While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door. (Farting is permitted is it?)
• Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 PM (When else would you wear them?)

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NORTH CAROLINA

• It’s against the law to sing off key. (Thank goodness Mrs Miller is from Missouri.)
• In Transylvania County a Dalmation is deemed to be a “potentially dangerous” breed of dog. (Well spotted!)
• Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.
• While having sex, you must stay in the missionary position and have the shades pulled. (Now that’s a new name for them!)
• Women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.

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NORTH DAKOTA

• It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
• Beer and pretzels can’t be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
• Only US Citizens can be appointed to the Dry Pea and Lentil Council. (Naturally! What would foreigners know about such things?)
• It is legal to shoot an Indian on horseback, provided you are in a covered wagon. (How can you be on horseback and in a covered wagon at the same time?)
• One may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even for wearing a hat to a function where dancing is taking place.
• A food seller cannot be held responsible for making someone fat.

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They Say If You Don’t Know Something You Should Ask – Well……

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Some more questions about those mysteries of life that most of us just seem to accept. It’s a good job that not everyone is so mild mannered.

Enjoy. 
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Why do they call it the ‘Department of Interior’ when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

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Why does Jello have a smell when you add the powder in the water, but when it ‘gels’ the smell is gone?

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Why are dogs noses always wet?

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If a bee is allergic to pollen would it get the hives?

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Why do people say ‘heads up’ when what you should really do is duck?

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Why is it okay for dudes to slap other dudes’ asses in football, but not in any other situation?

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If one man says, ‘it was an uphill battle’, and another says, ‘it went downhill from there’, how could they both be having troubles?

uphill battle – all downhill from here

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Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

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If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?

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If you blew a bubble in space would it pop?

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How come all of the planets are spherical?

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How did the first women ever to shave their legs know that the skin wouldn’t just peel right off?

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When a pregnant lady has twins, are there one or two umbilical cords?

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Why doesn’t Winnie the Pooh ever get stung by the bees he messes with?

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Why do they put holes in crackers?

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Can you still say ‘Put it where the sun don’t shine’ on a nude beach?

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What do people in China call their good plates?

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How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown?

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If an escalator breaks down, does it become stairs?

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Why did they call him Donkey Kong if he is not a donkey?

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Start The Week With An Idiot, Preferably Several – It’s Quiz Show Monday Again!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There are times and places I suppose one shouldn’t laugh, not that I bother too much about that, but one time when it is socially acceptable is on a Monday morning.

Here is your chance to test that out with another selection of ridiculous quiz show answers.

Enjoy.

 

 

Q: Name something roofs are made of  

A: Chalk stuff

 

 

Q: Name something men do when they run out of clean underwear         

A: Turn them inside out 

 

 

Q: Name something that people steal from work

A: Cash register

 

 

Q: Name a famous Peter          

A: Peter

 

 

Q: Name something that finishes the sentence: “You’re slower than…”     

A: Moses         

 

 

Q: Name something you feel before you buy it  

A: Excited        

 

 

Q: Name something you hope your dog doesn’t do right before he licks your head         

A: Burps          

 

 

Q: The ideal daily temperature   

A: 98.6?F         

 

 

Q: Name something with claws  

A: Christmas    

 

 

Q: Name something you wear two of at the same time   

A: Underwear    

 

 

Q: The first thing you take off after work           

A: Underwear

 

 

Q: An occasion for which you stayed up all night           

A: Lost virginity

 

 

Q: Name something that just you know is going break when its warranty runs out

A: Glass

 

 

Q: Name a bird that some people look like when they walk         

A: Dolphin

 

 

Q: Name something you hope your husband never loses (asked to 100 married women)  

A: His pants

 

 

Q: Name something a woman needs to have before she gets married     

A: A pap smear

 

 

Q: Name something babies throw out of their crib          

A: Prayer book 

 

 

Q: Name something that gets wet when you use it          

A: Toilet paper  

 

 

Q: Name something that guests get hit with on Jerry Springer     

A: Keys           

 

 

Q: An occupation that begins with the letter “J”  

A: A jackhammerer

 

 

Q: Name something people take to a bath         

A: Duck

 

 

Q: Name a letter many words begin with

A: Dear John    

 

 

Q: Name something you wish you had one of for each person in your home       

A: A house

 

 

Q: Name something office workers turn off at the end of the day           

A: Their brains  

 

 

Q: An actor who played a gangster       

A: Al Capone    

 

 

Q: Name something you throw away daily          

A: Toilet paper  

 

 

Q: Name a place where you take off your clothes, besides home           

A: School

 

 

Q: Name something you wash more than once per day   

A: Socks

  

 

Q: Name a man’s name that starts with the letter “P”

A: Porcupine

 

 

Q: Name something that rhymes with ‘coke’

A: Toke

 

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