Gullibility test kit – send $19.99 now!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Gullible or not now is your chance to look at this week’s selection of word plays, better known as puns.

As usual they come with choice….

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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I have four problems in life:

counting,

remembering

and counting.

 counting sesame street

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I was driving along the other day,

when a bloke stopped me and said,

“Your back mud flaps have fallen off.”

I said, “Can’t do much about it now,

I’ll just carry on rear guard less.”

 mud flaps

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Stable relationships

are for horses

 Stable relationships are for horses

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My friend told me that after years of doubt,

he is now convinced my wife is having an affair.

“We’ve gone and moved 250 miles away,” he told me.

“And we’ve still got the same window cleaner.”

 window cleaner

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It’s times like these, when I’m sat

in bed with my computer on my knee,

that I really wish I’d bought a laptop.

 computer

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I think I may have a shower.

Just checked, yes I do, it’s upstairs.

 a shower

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I just found $20 hanging from my ceiling.

It was a suicide note.

 $20 bill

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Exaggerations went up

by a million percent last year.

 sales chart

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If Einstein hadn’t come up with

the Theory of Relativity,

someone else would have.

It was only a matter of time.

 Einstein

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My cat is absolutely terrified

of thunder and lightening.

The pussy.

 lightning

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What part of my body is as long as your thigh,

contains over 120 muscles,

and is an anagram of “pensi”?

No, you’re completely wrong.

The correct answer is my spine.

 spine

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According to my facebook timeline,

I had no life before joining Facebook in 2012.

I believe it to be the other way around.

Facebook-Timeline-Evolution

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The Warning Signs Are Warning Signs!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Strange as it may seem Warning Signs are warning signs that society is in BIG trouble. They indicate that we have regressed to the level where we are allowing the stupidest people in society to dictate how the rest of us behave.

I disagree in the strongest possible terms with this trend. It is unnecessary and it is irritating for anyone with an IQ above 40.

If some dumb ass who knows they are allergic to nuts, buys a bag of nuts, then let them suffer the consequences of their stupidity if they eat them. Or if someone is in McDonalds or a similar establishment and buys a cup of hot coffee they should have the wit to realize that hot coffees is ‘hot’ and will burn them if they pour it all over themselves.

Harsh? Perhaps, but necessary.

Sadly the whole thing has deteriorated so far that, not only are there unnecessary warning labels on almost everything, but the morons for whom they are there now actually seem to be writing them too!

I could rant on, but better (and funnier) to show you some examples that make me shake my head in despair.

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“Do not use if you cannot

see clearly to read the information

in the information booklet.”

— In the information booklet.

information booklet

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“Caution:

The contents of this bottle

should not be fed to fish.”

— On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.

The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish

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“For external use only!”

— On a curling iron.

.

“Warning: This product can burn eyes.”

— Also on a curling iron.

curling iron

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“Do not use in shower.”

— On a hair dryer.

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“Do not use while sleeping.”

— Also on a hair dryer.

hair dryer

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“Do not use while sleeping or unconscious.”

— On a hand-held massaging device.

massaging device

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“Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.”

— On a toilet at a public sports facility

in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking

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“Shin pads cannot protect any part

of the body they do not cover.”

— On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.

Shin pads

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“This product not intended

for use as a dental drill.”

— On an electric rotary tool.

electric rotary tool

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“Caution:

Do not spray in eyes.”

— On a container of underarm deodorant.

underarm deodorant

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“Do not drive with sunshield in place.”

— On a cardboard sunshield that keeps

the sun off the dashboard.

cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard

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Icebergs And Sunshine, Both Make The Fact File Today.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another contrasting day of facts here at the fasab blog.

And what could be more of a contrast than icebergs and sunshine?

Find out more below.

Enjoy.

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did you know2

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Contrary to popular belief,

the ‘t’ at the end of Voldemort,

who features in the Harry Potter stories,

is silent.

The name comes from the French

words meaning “flight of death.”

Lord Voldemort

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In North Carolina each year there is a

Hot Sauce and Hot Chili Pepper Eating Contest,

consisting of 5 rounds in which the participants

have to eat increasingly hot chilies.

The hotness of chilies is based on Scoville Heat Units.

In the first round, each contestant starts out with a

Large Cayenne Pepper (Long Hots) (500-2,500 SU)

and those who make it all the way to the last fifth round

have to deal with The Orange Habenero (100,000-300,000 SU).

Crikey!

Hot Sauce and Hot Chili Pepper Eating Contest

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Apparently Greece Is the “Sunniest” Country in Europe

enjoying on average more than 250 days of sunshine

(three thousand hours) a year,

which also makes it one of the

most sunny countries in the world.

Greece Is the “Sunniest” Country In Europe

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Daniel Craig is able to take any

Aston Martin from the factory

for the rest of his life,

because of his time as Bond.

Daniel Craig Aston Martin deal

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Tequila is made from the blue agave,

or agave tequilana Weber.

According to WebMD, the core of the plant

contains aguamiel or “honey water,”

which is used for syrup (and tequila) production.

blue agave

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All Egyptian pyramids were built

on the west bank of the River Nile,

which as the site of the setting sun

and was associated with the realm of

the dead in Egyptian mythology.

west bank of the River Nile

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The more education you have,

the lower your risk of heart disease,

however, in spite of that, heart disease

is still the greatest threat to your health.

heart disease

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The infamous iceberg that sank the Titanic

has been floating around since about 1,000 B.C.

Titanic iceberg

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Why do people sing in shower? 

One theory is that they might simply feel

more comfortable in the shower

since it is a relaxing place

and they are by themselves.

Or it may be because the acoustics

are better in the bathroom,

so the chances of you sounding

like a great singer are higher.

sing in shower

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Although it is supposed to be in Chicago,

the McCallister´s house in the movie Home Alone

is actually located at 671 Lincoln Avenue

in the village of Winnetka, Illinois.

The three-story single-family house

was listed for sale at $2.4 million in 2011

and sold for $1.585 million in 2012.

The house is now promoted as a tourist attraction.

McCallister´s house in the movie Home Alone

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As a farmer,

George Washington grew marijuana

on his farm and promoted its growth.

George Washington grew marijuana

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The October 24, 1960 saw one of the

deadliest spare-related accidents in history,

when a Soviet R-16 rocket (an ICBM) exploded

on the launch pad during testing.

72 workers were killed.

Soviet Premier at the time, Nikita Khrushchev,

demanded it be kept secret.

Today it is known as the Nedelin Catastrophe.

Nedelin Catastrophe

.

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A bottle of champagne contains

90 pounds or pressure per square inch,

which is three times the pressure found in car tires.

The popped cork from a champagne bottle

travels as fast as 60 miles per hour

and can cause some serious damage.

popped cork from a champagne bottle

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Mary Allerton was an immigrant

who established a permanent residence in

Plymouth Colony, which we know today as Massachusetts.

She was one of the many passengers of on the Mayflower,

the historic ship that transported the first Pilgrims,

from Plymouth, England, to the New World.

She was only four years old when she boarded the ship

and would die almost 80 years later,

making history as the last surviving Mayflower passenger.

Mary Allerton

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The first video uploaded to YouTube,

titled “Me at the zoo,”

made its debut on April 23, 2005.

The nineteen-second video was shot by Yakov Lapitsky

and shows YouTube cofounder Jawed Karim

at the San Diego Zoo.

It also contains the first words uttered on YouTube

which were

“All right, so here we are in front of the elephants”

when Karim was trying to “charm” the camera.

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I Can’t Believe Pretzels Are Knot Bread.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Get it?

Pretzels, knot bread?

Never mind. Time to unravel a few more word plays.

It’s Pun Day.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Here’s a good one for you,

Good one.

good one

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I went to the museum to feed the animals

But they were all stuffed

stuffed animals in museum

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Those disposable cameras

are a complete con.

Now I have absolutely no record

of a perfectly lovely holiday.

 

disposable cameras.

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My girlfriend said she was going to

leave me because of my obsession with

pointing out inanimate objects…

So I showed her the door.

man pointing

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My son has been asked

to sign for his local team.

To be honest,

I never knew they were deaf.

boy with foorball

.

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Cadbury’s have brought out

a new box of chocolates

for inconsiderate people.

They’re self centered.

Cadbury's

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I run a business selling tiny models

of Buddha and Mohammed.

Sales aren’t the best but

I’m making small prophets.

tiny model of buddha

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Everyone’s blaming me for the

animal noises on the video conference at work.

Seems I’ve been made into a Skypegoat.

skype_logo

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The English language

is the best in the world.

It just has a certain…

je ne sais quoi.

je ne sais quoi

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My family abandoned me,

my ex-girlfriend took everything I own,

and my children hate me

all because of my constant optimism.

Still, it could be worse.

optimism

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My wife asked me for a

new wardrobe last Christmas,

so I got her one.

Turns out she just wanted clothes

new wardrobe

.

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I’m looking forward

to my dirty weekend.

Wash the car,

clean the garden,

take rubbish out……

dirty weekend

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I got water trapped in my ears

after having a shower this morning.

It was a near deaf experience.

water trapped in my ears

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If you like women

as well as the next man

you’re probably bi-sexual.

Bisexual!

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What’s the temperature in Motown ?

Three degrees, four tops…

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I Never Contradict Myself, But I Do Sometimes.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, another day to play with words, or on words, or perhaps a bit of both.

Whatever you think is more appropriate, enjoy!

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rofl

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“Welcome to the society of people scared of decimal numbers.”

“I’m glad I managed to round you all up”

decimals

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Two communists in a nudist camp.

One says to other “have you read marx comrade?”

The other replied “Yes I think its the wicker furniture.”

giraffe-cartoon-nudist-camp

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The photocopier in my office broke.

So I called in my secretary, Tracey.

broken photocopier

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It might be me, but I just can’t think

of a better word to describe myself.

dot-me-logo

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Norman Bates, motel, shower, stab, blood,

Alfred Hitchcock, secretary, mother, knife,

Janet Leigh, bank, steal.

That’s just Psychobabble.

Psycho_(1960)

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When I worked at the funfair I used to think

that life was all swings and roundabouts.

fun_fair_by_shadowdraco

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I went crazy after I couldn’t open the new door I’d just fitted.

In hindsight I should have handled it better.

broken door handle

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My teacher asked me to name all the presidents,

which is ridiculous as they already have names.

mt-rushmore-cartoonfrederator-studios

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I had a scary moment when I was taking the packaging off

my expensive new bookcase with a sharp knife.

I damn near slit my shelf.

bookshelves

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My wife couldn’t believe she got sacked for

misplacing the company’s new storefront sign.

She’s lost four words.

lost for words

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Someone just robbed me and stole my watch.

I would have chased them,

but I didn’t have the time.

Black_and_White_Dog_Cartoon_of_a_Dog_Selling_Stolen_Watches_clipart_image

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It’s the final of the Microwave Challenge Contest tonight.

Things will get heated.

microwave

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My English teacher accused me of plagiarizing everything I write.

I didn’t make this up.

teacher pupil plagiarizing

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Hollywood producers are in talks with Dustin Hoffman

to star in a film about a Zulu warrior who dresses as a woman

to try and make it as an actor.

They’re going to call it Tutsi.

tootsie-con-dustin-hoffman

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Workers protested at a bread factory

in France because of their low income.

Their manager comes up and says,

“No pain, no gain.”

pain-de-france

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I used to own a laxatives company.

Business was hard at first and it was eventually liquidated.

laxatives blowout specials

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“Well we’re not getting on your big boat.”

the two Unicorns told Noah.

It was anarchy.

unicorns

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Just bought a really basic pair of shears.

They’re not cutting hedge anyway.

hedge shears

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I did some work experience at a drug rehab centre.

They were very thorough: they left no intern stoned.

drug rehab

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The last wedding I was invited to went off without a hitch.

The groom didn’t turn up.

Cartoon_of_a_Bride_Left_at_the_Alter_clipart_image

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If There Are No Stupid Questions, Then What Kind Of Questions Do Stupid People Ask?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The title of today’s post is part of a quote from Scott Adams. The whole thing goes, “If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”.

I don’t know whether you could classify all of these questions as stupid or otherwise, there’s probably a mixture of both. Different people will probably have different opinions.

As usual if you have any answers then feel free to enlighten us all.

Enjoy.

 

 

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?

 

How do you handcuff a one-armed man?

 

If the FBI breaks your door down do they have to pay for it?

 

In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?

 

Why can’t donuts be square?

 

Why put a towel in the dirty clothes basket if when you get out of the shower you are clean?

 

What does happen to an irresistible force when it hits an immovable object?

 

If there’s a speed of sound and a speed of light is there a speed of smell?

 

Why do overalls have belt loops, since they are held up at the top by the straps?

 

Do people in prison celebrate halloween…. if so how?

 

Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work?

 

Why are all of the Harry Potter spells in Latin if he’s English?

 

What do Greeks say when they don’t understand something? “It’s all ???? to me.”

 

Do all-boy schools have girl’s bathrooms? Conversely, do all-girl schools have boy’s bathrooms?

 

Are children who act in rated ‘R’ movies allowed to see them?

 

How come cats’ butts go up when you pet them?

 

What would happen to the sea’s water level if every boat in the world was taken out of the water at the same time?

 

How come you never see a billboard being put up by the highway?

 

Do the English people eat English muffins, or are they just called muffins?

 

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t grow in it?

 

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