China Really Raises A Lot Of Red Flags…

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Maybe that’s something China and puns have in common because they tend to raise a few red flags for some people too.

Not for us, though, because I know you are here for Pun Day!

Enjoy or endure!!

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Two silkworms had a race

– it ended in a tie.

 

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If you attached a bunch of

watches together to make a belt

it would be a waist of time.

 

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I don’t really know maths too well.

Until recently I thought logarithms

were a brand of laxative.

 

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As a gift to my girlfriend, Tola,

I tattooed her name on myself in the mirror.

I think that says alot.

 

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A fella in the bar asked me what it’s like to be married.

I said, “Amaze.”

He asked, “You mean amazing?”

I replied, “No, I mean it’s hard to get out of.”

 

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I’ve been assembling a condiment army.

It is now fully mustered.

 

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I was asked if I had any plans

for National Nudity Day…

I said “I’ve got nothing on”.

 

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My little brother cut himself with

a razor shaving this morning.

“How Gillette that happen?” I asked.

 

 

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My dad was a man of few words.

We always beat him at Scrabble.

 

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A friend once asked me,

“Do you think you could have an

eraser at both ends of a pencil?”

“I suppose you could,” I replied,

“but what would be the point?”

 

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A large area of the alphabet has been destroyed

in what is thought to have been a terrorist attack.

It’s not yet known who had anything to do with this atrocity.

But early reports indicate G had.

 

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My friends had a good laugh

at my expense last night.

I paid for them to go

and see a comedian.

 

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What’s the gayest type of question?

A query.       

 

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My son asked me what

the opposite of a lie is.

It’s a true story.

 

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Was just looking at the all time

top 10 movies list online.

I was surprised Seven wasn’t there.

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A Different Sort Of Quiz Today

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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To give you a bit of a break from the normal quiz day – yes, I’m still watching the World Cup football and the final was yesterday. Well done Germany, commiserations Argentina. 

So instead here is one taken by other people.

Twenty questions from a SAT Science Exam and, as well as being amusing, it is also a good commentary on  the state of the education system these days.

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Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

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Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

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Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

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Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

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Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

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Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

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Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

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Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

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Q: What is artificial insemination?

A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

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Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

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Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g., abdomen.)

A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

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Q: What is the Fibula?

A: A small lie.

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Q: What does “varicose” mean?

A: Nearby.

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Q: What is the most common form of birth control?

A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

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Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section”

A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

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Q: What is a seizure?

A: A Roman emperor.

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Q: What is a terminal illness?

A: When you are sick at the airport

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Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

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Q: What does the word “benign” mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

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Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

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I Decide Which Beer To Drink On A Case By Case Basis!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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What other way can you sample beer?

While you are thinking about that here are a few more samples of word plays, otherwise knows as puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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I photographed myself stealing from

the DIY store earlier today.

I took some shelfies.

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My friend Dave has drunk many weird

and wonderful things in his time.

I asked him if he’d ever drunk cologne.

“No,” he replied. “Always with friends.”

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I don’t know why people feel the need to travel

around the world to “find themselves”;

I found myself years ago.

Turns out I was right under my nose.

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I’ve recently been a stunt man in a couple of movies.

Nothing major, just a couple of small rolls.

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I bought a chair at the furniture store

from a new range based on Thai furniture.

It’s called a ‘Ladyboy’.

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Have you visited www. conjunctivitis. com?

It’s a site for sore eyes

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My attempts at making a ham soup are always ad hoc.

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With these terrible storms, I’ve been trying to think

of a way of stopping the water entering my property.

Can’t come up with anything though.

Damn!

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Dijon vu

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My sister fell in love with an arsonist.

She carried a torch for him for months.

They eventually split up, after a blazing row.

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The new strip bar in my town doesn’t let Jews in.

It’s a gentile man’s club.

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I took a ‘Mickey Mouse’ degree and now

I’m head of animation at Disney Studios.

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Paddy’s in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him.

“Did you find the shampoo?”

“Oi did,” Paddy says,

“But it’s for dry hair and I’ve just wet mine.”

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One of the Sisters at the convent was kidnapped the other day.

Police blamed the lack of security at the premises.

The local newspaper summed it up with the headline…

“No ‘fence.  Nun taken.”

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I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery.

I’ve had it right up to here with them.

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Happy Thanksgiving Day Everybody

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Well it’s Thursday again BUT it’s also Thanksgiving Day so perhaps some people will have a lot better things to do than read my blog today.

Whatever you are doing and wherever you are doing it, have a great and a lovely celebration whether you are with family, friends or just on your own.

For those who do care to take a few minutes to check out this blog, particularly for those in other countries who may not be celebrating on this particular day here is another selection of the bad jokes we like to call puns.

I just had to post this today because tomorrow I’ll probably be doing cold turkey. 

In case you hadn’t noticed, we’ve started. Read on and enjoy!

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I used to be a banker but I lost interest  

 

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How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.

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Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.        

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He wears glasses during math because it improves division.      

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A bacteria walked into a bar and the bartender said, ‘We don’t serve bacteria in this place.’

The bacteria said, ‘But I work here, I’m staph.’

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He has been a jogger for three years running.    

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In a recession, the most secure job is garbage-man. Business is always picking up.

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Do optometrists live long because they dilate?

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I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.

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I just got of these new reversible jackets? I’m excited to see how it turns out.

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John Deere’s manure spreader is the only equipment the company won’t stand behind.

 

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Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink. 

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I’m not a big fan of archery. It has too many strings attached and lots of drawbacks.

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I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn’t help me.

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Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn’t resistor.

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A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

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Is the patron saint of poverty St. Nickeless.

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My new theory on inertia doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

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I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.         

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Weight loss mantra? Fat chants!

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It’s Thursday And That Means Another Excuse For A Few More Bad Jokes

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, it’s Thursday and that means another excuse for a few more bad jokes in the shape of the word plays called puns.

Enjoy!

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Organ donors put their heart into it.
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Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
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A hungry traveler stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens.
A brother is frying chips.
‘Are you the friar?’ he asks.
‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.
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Why does the coffee taste like mud?
Because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.
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The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
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I could not pull out of my parking space, so I used my back up plan.
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I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
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The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.
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To some – marriage is a word … to others – a sentence.
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A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a
weapon of math disruption.
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The man who worked at the watch factory was very funny.
He stood about all day making faces.
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I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.
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Experts say the cost of funerals have risen by 50%,
they blame it on the cost of living.
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Cartoonist found dead in home.
Details are sketchy.
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Old doctors never die they just lose their patience.
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I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I’ve ever seen.
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Did you hear about the electrician who claimed that his truck was a volts wagon.

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More Pun Fun Today

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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More pun fun today. It’s amazing how bad a joke you can get away with when there’s a pun or two involved. The evidence can be found below.

Enjoy.

 

 

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

 

Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.

 

Practice safe eating – always use condiments.

 

Is a shotgun wedding a case of wife or death?

 

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

 

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

 

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

 

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

 

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

 

When two egotists meet, it’s always an I for an I.

 

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.

 

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)

 

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

 

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

 

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

 

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

 

They tried to save him with an I.V. but it was all in vein.

 

Stir-fry cooks come from all woks of life.

 

Did your hear about the illiterate fisherman who was lost at c?

 

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