Gullibility test kit – send $19.99 now!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Gullible or not now is your chance to look at this week’s selection of word plays, better known as puns.

As usual they come with choice….

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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I have four problems in life:

counting,

remembering

and counting.

 counting sesame street

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I was driving along the other day,

when a bloke stopped me and said,

“Your back mud flaps have fallen off.”

I said, “Can’t do much about it now,

I’ll just carry on rear guard less.”

 mud flaps

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Stable relationships

are for horses

 Stable relationships are for horses

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My friend told me that after years of doubt,

he is now convinced my wife is having an affair.

“We’ve gone and moved 250 miles away,” he told me.

“And we’ve still got the same window cleaner.”

 window cleaner

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It’s times like these, when I’m sat

in bed with my computer on my knee,

that I really wish I’d bought a laptop.

 computer

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I think I may have a shower.

Just checked, yes I do, it’s upstairs.

 a shower

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I just found $20 hanging from my ceiling.

It was a suicide note.

 $20 bill

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Exaggerations went up

by a million percent last year.

 sales chart

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If Einstein hadn’t come up with

the Theory of Relativity,

someone else would have.

It was only a matter of time.

 Einstein

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My cat is absolutely terrified

of thunder and lightening.

The pussy.

 lightning

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What part of my body is as long as your thigh,

contains over 120 muscles,

and is an anagram of “pensi”?

No, you’re completely wrong.

The correct answer is my spine.

 spine

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According to my facebook timeline,

I had no life before joining Facebook in 2012.

I believe it to be the other way around.

Facebook-Timeline-Evolution

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“I Think,” Said The Sweet Potato, “Therefore I Yam.”

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”
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Well today I yam the poster of more puns.
Keep your groans handy, you might need ‘em.
Enjoy or endure.
rofl.

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You can say what you like

about freedom of speech.

freedom_of_speech_in_europe

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I would love to dance at a metric party,

but I have two left 0.305 meters.

Meter-to-Foot-conversion
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Waiters are good at multiplication

because they know their tables.

waiter
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I accidentally grabbed a

live electric cable yesterday.

It really Hertz.

live electric cable
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Capital punishment.

capital PUNISHMENT
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I used to work at a car garage

that had a jet wash.

It was pointless,

there was nowhere for them to land.

airplane washing
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I got a 24 hour clock from

a garage sale for only 10/c.

They’ll be so mad,

it’s lasted far longer.

24 hour clock
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I’m in court accused of the murders of

Dracula and Monte Cristo.

I’m pleading guilty to both Counts.

Dracula and Monte Cristo
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There’s a Muslim in the street carrying a gun.

Police say he’s Ahmed and dangerous.

Ahmed and dangerous
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My ex girlfriend text to say that

she’d made a voodoo doll of me.

I think she’s pulling my leg.

Voodoo-doll
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I used to have a job in the police force,

in which I’d break into secure

computer files to uncover criminal activity.

That was until I was met by one system

that proved I wasn’t up to the job.

I just couldn’t hack it.

hacker

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Driving home, I noticed I had a

police car right up my ass.

Must have a word with my nephew

about leaving his toys lying around.

toy-police-car
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I’d been worrying about my

geography exam for a long time.

When I sat down to take it,

the first question read;

“What is the correct term for any wind that

blows between 4 and 30 miles per hour?”

I don’t know what I was worried about.

It was a breeze.

breeze
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I was so nervous when I met my

future father-in-law that i blurted out,

“Sir, May I have your daughters

hole in handy matrimony?”

met my future father-in-law
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What do you call a bunch of

kleptomaniacs with musical instruments?

A Steal Band.
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Whoever Invented The Selfie Needs To Take A Good Look At Themselves.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And since it’s pun day again you need to take a good look at this latest batch.

Enjoy or endure!!!

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rofl

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What do you call

a German on speaker phone?

Hans Free

cartoon hands free

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‘Sugar’

is the only word in the English language

in which the S, is pronounced ‘sh’.

I’m sure of that.

sh

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My brother has had to

close down his archery business.

In the first 12 months 

he didn’t hit any of his targets .

archery-target

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Ten years in the same job and

not once have I been in the boss’s office.

That’s what got me fired as a cleaner.

cleaner

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Just been mugged and beaten up.

I tried to defend myself with a drawing pin.

Turns out a tac isn’t the best form of defense after all.

tac

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Before we split up, my wife

was obsessed with horoscopes.

I’m sure that’s what Taurus apart.

taurus

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I was on the freeway when a guy driving in the other direction

started flashing his lights, beeping his horn and screaming,

“You’re going the wrong way!”

What an idiot.

He didn’t even know where I was going.

A-Motorist-Driving-the-Wrong-Way

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What has a pee at

the end of a tram?

A tramp.

cartoon tramp

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Breaking News:

Man arrested over missing woman

Imagine if he’d hit her???

breaking news

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Adoption jokes –

There’s never a good time to tell them.

adopted

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I don’t approve of my girlfriend’s one night stand.

Why should she be the only one with

somewhere to put a bedside lamp.

night stand lamp

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I threw three DVDs at exactly the same time

to see which one would hit the wall first.

It was a discrace.

DVDs

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My wife called me into the bathroom

and asked me to wash her back.

I don’t remember her

washing me in the first place.

washing back

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Erectile dysfunction;

just when you thought

it couldn’t get any harder.

checking_for_signs_of_life

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My wife, Lorraine, has just found out that 

I have been cheating on her with Clara next door.

Last night, she packed her things and left.

I can see Clara now, Lorraine has gone.

Take it away Johnny….

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Did You Know? – More Interesting Facts.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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More interesting facts today.

Hats definitely off to James Harrison, but my favorite is Bill Morgan.

Enjoy.

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did you know4

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We’ll start with one in honor of the recently passed St Patrick’s Day.

St Patrick’s given name was Maewyn Succat.

After becoming a priest, he changed his name to Patricius,

from the Latin term meaning “father figure.”

st patrick

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Esperanto is an artificial language,

but is spoken by about 500,000 to 2,000,000 people,

and 2 feature films have been done in the language.

basic_esperanto_words_by_moosader

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After the bible,

the most translated book in the world is

Pinocchio.

pinocchio book cover

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Hall of fame boxer Sugar Ray Robinson backed out of a fight

because he had a dream that he was going to kill his opponent in the ring.

After a priest and minister convinced him to fight, Robinson went into the ring

and killed his opponent Jimmy Doyle.

Sugar Ray Robinson and Jimmy Doyle

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The German word for birth control pill is ‘antibabypille’

and in Switzerland they have pregnancy tests

called ‘MaybeBaby’ in vending machines.

birth control

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After 9/11, 1600 people died in automobile accidents

after they switched travel plans from flying to driving.

automobile-accident

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If officials awarded Lance Armstrong’s Tour de France title

to the next fastest finisher who has never been linked to doping,

they would have to give it to the person who finished 23rd.

tour de france

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When US Army officer Braxton Bragg held both the job of

the company commander and the post’s quartermaster,

he made a request to the quartermaster (that is, himself)

and when he received the request as quartermaster he denied it.

He continued to argue back and forth with himself through letters.

braxton_bragg_2_400_pxlw

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In 2010 workers at Ground Zero found an 18th century wooden ship

underneath the World Trade Center rubble.

ship-hull-found-in-ground-zero-rubble

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When child actor Jackie Coogan turned 18,

he found out all his money, $68 million,

had been spent by his mother, who argued

“No promises were ever made to give Jackie anything.

Every dollar a kid earns before he is 21 belongs to his parents.” 

Coogan’s Bill was then passed to protect child actors.

Jackie_Coogan,_The_Kid_(1921)

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In Samoa, it’s a crime to forget your own wife’s birthday.

(Isn’t that true for most places?)

wife's birthday

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Ryan Gosling was cast as Noah in The Notebook

because the director wanted someone “not handsome.”

ryan gosling noah

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After needing 13 liters of blood for a surgery at the age of 13,

a man named James Harrison, aka “The Man With The Golden Arm”,

pledged to donate blood once he turned 18.

It was discovered that his blood contained a rare antigen

which cured Rhesus disease.

He has donated blood a record 1000 times

and saved 2,000,000 lives.

james-harrison donating blood

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In 1942 in Mississippi there was a man known as the Phantom Barber

who would break into peoples’ houses at night and cut their hair.

The Phantom Barber Of Mississippi

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In 1999 an Australian man, named Bill Morgan

was declared dead for 14 minutes after an allergic reaction to drugs

given to him in hospital after a car accident.

To celebrate his survival he bought a scratch card

and won a $27,000 car.

A news team covering the story asked him to re-enact

the scratch card moment for their story,

so he went into the shop, bought another scratch card,

and won  $250,000 jackpot.

Here he is….

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I See Boomerangs Are Making A Comeback.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It’s not only boomerangs that are making a comeback  –  so are puns!

And I continue to do my little bit here on the fasab blog to help them.

So read on and enjoy!

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Any time I get something stuck in my throat,

I just dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager.

It’s called the Heineken Maneuver.

pun heineken manoeuver

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I saw a sign on the road while driving today that said,

Survey crew ahead.

I did. They looked okay.

pun survey_crew_ahead_sign

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Me and my friends played a football match against a load of Marines yesterday.

At half time they brought on a Chinese bloke.

I thought to myself, he’s a yellow sub marine.

pun yellow_sub-marine

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Ever since I filled up my Zippo

I haven’t been able to lift it out of my pocket.

I think I need some lighter fluid.

pun zippo

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A girl winked at me across the room in Maths class today;

I think it was a sine…

pun math

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I’m the kinda guy who,

when asked to spell something over the phone,

says ‘G….for gnome’ just to throw them.

pun gnome-04

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My friend once decided to stick an arrow in the ground.

I couldn’t see the point.

pun arrow

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Whenever I write a letter to someone,

I add a footnote briefly explaining Ohm’s law.

It’s my P.S. de resistance.

pun Ohm's Law

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I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

pun little-red-riding-hood-3

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I’m just a farmer’s laborer,

but when girls ask what I do,

I find ‘Farm assist’ sounds better.

pun farm assist

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I told a girl she drew her eyebrows on too high.

She looked pretty surprised.

pun girl looking surprised

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I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,

or is that just bollocks?

pun touching boobs

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I was arguing with my girlfriend in Pizza Hut the other day

when my best friend came over, grabbed the garlic bread

and coleslaw from our table and ran off.

I wish he would stop taking sides.

pun pizza hut

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I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call.

Next morning, she rang and said,

“what are you doing with your life?”

pun robert-mankoff-this-is-your-wake-up-call-change-or-die-new-yorker-cartoon

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I used to be really good at reading braille.

But I lost my touch.

pun  reading braille

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Just got myself a new Czech girlfriend,

but it’s taken her 5 days to hoover the house.

Turns out she’s a Slovak.

pun slovakia

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My local gas station had a letter stolen from its sign last night.

Not to worry though, the company’s sending out an Esso S.

pun esso

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The day that Microsoft creates a product that doesn’t suck

is the day that they venture into the vacuum cleaner industry.

pun The-only-Microsoft-product-that-doesnt-suck-Microsoft-Vacuum-Cleaner

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When a bomb passes its sell by date, does it go off?

pun dynamite-bundle-md

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If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear,

would Greece help?

pun turkey

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Try Braking, It Gives Your Driving A Bit Of 00mph.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It’s pun day.

The gift that just keeps on giving.

Try out this latest selection of word play gems.

Enjoy!

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When she lost her job in a toothpaste factory

for dropping the toothpaste tubes,

the girl was completely crestfallen.

Crest_toothpaste

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The first meteorologists who studied fog were mistified.

fog-06

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This couple went on a sea cruise to sea if they could save their marriage,

but they soon drifted apart!

cruise ship

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The guy always cheated at golf,

he didn’t play the fairway.

golf cheat cartoon

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I was telling a friend last night

that I made $1,000 by selling manure.

He said, “That’s gross.”

I said, “No, that’s net.”

manure happens

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What do you get if you eat a Blackberry?

A Bluetooth.

blackberry

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My sex life is unbelievable.

Whenever I tell people I have a sex life,

they don’t believe me.

sex life

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I can’t understand why my new automatic

air freshener doesn’t work even though

I’ve just put brand new batteries in it.

It just doesn’t make scents.

Automatic-Air-Freshener

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If you crossed a fortune teller with a prostitute

would you get your whoroscope!

whoroscope

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Tom said to his friend, “I think we should feed my wife herbicide.”

The friend said, “weed killer?”

“My point exactly,” Tom replied.

weedkiller

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I was throwing rice at an Indian wedding

and accidentally started a pilau fight.

pilau rice

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When I worked in a building supplies store,

one day this guy came in shouting and swearing

about needing something to fill a big hole in his wall.

Needless to say, I showed him the door.

new door

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17 days until I stop using aerosol deodorants.

Roll on!

roll on deodorant

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When I took my car in for a service

the guy at the shop said it would soon

need a new pair of shock absorbers.

He didn’t say when though

– the suspension’s killing me.

shock absorbers

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As a grown man I feel awkward admitting that I still play with my train set,

so I hide it under the duvet.

No one will find it now, I’ve covered my tracks.

train set

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I was having dinner with Mr T and he said,

“Don’t talk with your mouth full!”

I said, “How else would I talk? And I ain’t no fool.”

MrT

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I was surprised when my psychic friend complimented

me on the way I had cooked his steak.

“Well done” is rare from a medium.

psychic dinners

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I travel the land,

Asking rides from kind strangers:

I’m a hitchhaiku.

haiku

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An old lady at the park said to me today,

“I see your dog’s fetching balls.”

I said, “I know, but, at your age,

you shouldn’t really be looking.”

dog fetching ball

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After feeling a little depressed lately,

so I decided to treat myself to the new Jay-Z endorsed back-scratcher.

Now I’ve got 99 problems but an itch ain’t one.

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Can Reincarnation Ever Make A Comeback?

 “Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Hi, sorry to disappoint if you thought this post was going to be a discussion on reincarnation. Well I suppose it might once have been, but today it has come back as another selection of puns and word plays. Enjoy!

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I went for a depression test.

It came back negative.

depression test.

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Its pathetic to be high,

highpathetically speaking.

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It’s constipation that puts the toil into toilets.

Constipation.

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I asked my girlfriend to marry me at a football match.

She said, “No, I’d prefer a church.”

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All the good puns about the periodic table argon.

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Do you believe all that Ancient Greek stuff about Paris and Helen

and the face that launched a thousand ships?

Yes, of course I do, it’s a Troy story.

 Helen of Troy .

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Paddy goes into Macy’s department store and asks the assistant,

“Excuse me sir, but do you sell potato clocks?”

The assistant looks at him and says,

“Are you trying to be funny?

We sell cuckoo clocks, carriage clocks, grandfather clocks, alarm clocks

… what the heck is a potato clock?”

And Paddy says,

“I don’t know, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow,

and the wife said ‘You’d better get a potato clock.'”

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I’ve got an inferiority complex,

but it’s not a very good one.

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I bought a new dog yesterday.

I’ve named him Rolex

…….he’s a watchdog

watchdog.

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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen.

It said, ‘Parking Fine.’

So that was nice.

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What do Mexicans put under their carpets?

Underlay, underlay!

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Why do mice have small balls?

Not that many of them know how to dance!

 Dancing mice .

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My mate Sid was a victim of ID theft.

He’s just called S now.

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I bought a book when I was in China last year, called “How To Woo”.

I thought it might help me with my seduction techniques.

Turns out it was volume 2 of the Chinese phone book.

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I’ve had amnesia as long as I can remember.

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I can drive a woman wild with my tongue.

It’s pretty easy.

All you do is say,

“Have you put on weight?”

 dmalbit .

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And finally,

in the interests of clarification because of all the speculation currently on the media,

the real reason for the timing of the Pope’s resignation can now be revealed,

along with probably one of the worst jokes in the history of the papacy,

the Pope will resign at the end of February and not wait until after Easter,

because he doesn’t like eggs, Benedict!

 

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