I Really Can’t Stand Sitting Down.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I bet you can’t stand sitting down either. It’s not easy.

But what is easy is having a look at some more puns.

So here you are.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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I just bought a Monopoly set which had no instructions.

What are the chances?

MONOPOLY_c1937_Chance_ElectedChairman

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Sony. Panasonic, Technics, Bang Olufsen, Teac.

They’re just stereotypes.

stereo

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A contestant accused me of being an unfair quiz host.

Point taken.

quiz host

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I was walking down the street.

This guy waved to me, then came up to me and said,

“I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.”

I said, “I am.”

diesel-waving

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Bilbo Baggins has died.

I read it in the hobbituary column.

Bilbo Baggins

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Two mountaineers reach a huge, deep fissure in a glacier.

“Careful here,” says one of them.

“My mountain guide fell down there last year.”

“I bet you feel bad about that,” says the other.

“Not really, it was pretty old and missing a few pages.”

mountaineers

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My friend just finished watching Kill Bill, volume 1;

He said he couldn’t hear it very well, though.

Kill-Bill-Volume-1

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I was reading this book on the anatomy of a pig.

It was pretty standard, but I got to the end

and found there to be a twist in the tale.

cartoon pig with curly tail

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I’ve been out of work for a while but have just got

a job at a factory making periscopes.

Things are looking up.

periscope

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Our Marriage Guidance Counsellor said my wife and I

needed to talk about the elephant in the room.

I turned to my wife and said

”see, even she thinks you’re fat”

the elephant in the room

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It took me ages to change all my clocks.

There’s an hour of my life I’ll never get back!

changing-daylight-savings-time

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I’ve decided to have a party in my vegetable garden tonight.

Lettuce turnip the beet.

Lettuce turnip the beet

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I haven’t used my eBook reader for a while.

Maybe it’s time to rekindle our relationship.

Kindle-Paperwhite

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How does the barber cut the moon’s hair?

Eclipse it.

Barber's tools

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And speaking of hair, The Beatles’ song,

“Love Me Do” was written by John Lennon

after he’d had a really good haircut.

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Yesterday The Super Bowl – Today The Super Quiz!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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First of all congratulations to the Seattle Seahawks who won their first Super Bowl by crushing the Denver Broncos 43-8, in a rather one-sided game yesterday.

Today it’s the super quiz and this won’t be so easy.

Yes, another random selection of questions, a lot of which will set you a challenge I think.

As usual if you get stuck the answers can be found waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please NO cheating!

Enjoy and good luck.

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Quiz 07

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Q.  1:  Who won a best actor Oscar for his portrayal of an anthropophagus?

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Q.  2:  The Komodo dragon takes its name from as island in which country?

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Q.  3:  Which car company built the classic ‘1962 250 GT Berlinetta Boxer’ automobile?

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Q.  4:  Name the country from which the soup ‘Gazpacho’ originated?

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Q.  5:  Name the fictional detective associated with ‘Miss Felicity Lemon’?

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Q.  6:  In which famous movie would you find  a robot called ‘Marvin’?

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Q.  7:  ‘Winter’, ‘Secret’, ‘Dirty’, ‘Pastry’, ‘Cola’, ‘Pig’, ‘Honey’, ‘Football’, ‘Rif’ and ‘Cod’ are all examples of what?

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Q.  8:  What sauce is made from the plant ‘Armorica rusticana’?

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Q.  9:  Which of these is a comic character who appears in three plays by Shakespeare?

           a) Rifle            b) Musket            c) Pistol      

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Q. 10:  Rather appropriately for this month, the following line ‘February made me shiver‘ is found in which song?

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Q. 11:  Contestants from which South American country have won the most Miss Universe titles?

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Q. 12:  Which of these actors has won the most Best Actor Oscars?

            a) Tom Hanks        b) Kevin Spacey        c) Daniel Day Lewis        d) Jeff Bridges

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Q. 13:  John James Audubon is famous for his paintings of what?

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Q. 14:  Which large sea in the south-western Pacific Ocean is named after a German?

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Q. 15:  ‘Monique Delacroix’ was the mother of which debonair hero?

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Q. 16:  What is the name and the color of Jim Henson’s most famous creation?

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Q. 17:  This word is the name for a magnificent palace, a variety of apple and a person or thing without equal, what is it?

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Q. 18:  Name the movie in which Michael Caine plays ‘Lt Gonville Bromhead’?

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Q. 19:  What does a woman raise and hold up in a ‘Pabana’?

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Q. 20:  Which very famous soothing English song uses the melody from Mozart’s ‘Ah! Vous dirai-je, Maman’?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  Who won a best actor Oscar for his portrayal of an anthropophagus?

A.  1:  Anthony Hopkins in ‘The Silence of the Lambs’, an anthropophagus is a cannibal.

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Q.  2:  The Komodo dragon takes its name from as island in which country?

A.  2:  Indonesia. (Probably because of the name a lot of people guess Japan.)

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Q.  3:  Which car company built the classic ‘1962 250 GT Berlinetta Boxer’ automobile?

A.  3:  Ferrari.

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Q.  4:  Name the country from which the soup ‘Gazpacho’ originated?

A.  4:  Spain. (You also get a point if you said Portugal.)

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Q.  5:  Name the fictional detective associated with ‘Miss Felicity Lemon’?

A.  5:  Hercule Poirot.

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Q.  6:  In which famous movie would you find  a robot called ‘Marvin’?

A.  6:  ‘A Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy’.

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Q.  7:  ‘Winter’, ‘Secret’, ‘Dirty’, ‘Pastry’, ‘Cola’, ‘Pig’, ‘Honey’, ‘Football’, ‘Rif’ and ‘Cod’ are all examples of what?

A.  7:  They are all names of different wars.

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Q.  8:  What sauce is made from the plant ‘Armorica rusticana’?

A.  8:  Horseradish.

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Q.  9:  Which of these is a comic character who appears in three plays by Shakespeare?

           a) Rifle            b) Musket            c) Pistol            

A.  9:  c) Pistol. (Pistol (fict) is a follower of Sir John Falstaff in Henry IV, Part 2 and The Merry Wives of Windsor. He is married to Mistress Quickly, and is a soldier in conflict with Fluellen, in Henry V.)

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Q. 10:  Rather appropriately for this month, the following line ‘February made me shiver‘ is found in which song?

A. 10:  American Pie (Don McLean).

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Q. 11:  Contestants from which South American country have won the most Miss Universe titles?

A.  11:  Venezuela (6, in 1979, 1981, 1986, 1996, 2008 and 2009).

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Q. 12:  Which of these actors has won the most Best Actor Oscars?

            a) Tom Hanks        b) Kevin Spacey        c) Daniel Day Lewis        d) Jeff Bridges

A. 12:  c) Daniel Day Lewis

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Q. 13:  John James Audubon is famous for his paintings of what?

A. 13:  Birds.  (An original copy of his book ‘Birds of America’ sold in London at Sotheby’s for a record £7,321,250 (approximately $11.5 million) on 6 December 2010.)

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Q. 14:  Which large sea in the south-western Pacific Ocean is named after a German?

A. 14:  The Bismarck Sea.

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Q. 15:  ‘Monique Delacroix’ was the mother of which debonair hero?

A. 15:  James Bond.

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Q. 16:  What is the name and the color of Jim Henson’s most famous creation?

A. 16:  Kermit the Frog and he is green.

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Q. 17:  This word is the name for a magnificent palace, a variety of apple and a person or thing without equal, what is it?

A. 17:  Nonsuch.

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Q. 18:  Name the movie in which Michael Caine plays ‘Lt Gonville Bromhead’?

A. 18:  Zulu.

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Q. 19:  What does a woman raise and hold up in a ‘Pabana’?

A. 19:  Her skirt. The Pabana (or Peacock dance) is a solemn and stately Spanish dance.

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Q. 20:  Which very famous soothing English song uses the melody from Mozart’s ‘Ah! Vous dirai-je, Maman’?

A. 20:  Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

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Did You Know? – Here Are Some More Things You Probably Didn’t.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Welcome to another fact finding day on the fasab blog.

Fifteen more very random but hopefully interesting facts that you probably didn’t know.

Enjoy.

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did you know4

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If you live in France,

and happen to own a pig,

it is illegal to name it ‘Napoleon’.

pig Napoleon

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50 of the 83 restaurants

featured on Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares

have been sold or shut down.

ramsays-kitchen-nightmares

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In Turkey, it is illegal for a man

over 80 years old to become a pilot.

pilot turkey

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It took 127 beers to make Andre The Giant

pass out in a hotel lobby;

 he was so big, hotel management couldn’t

move him and left him there until the next day.

Andres-Hand-beer

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If you have the plague you are not

permitted to flag down a taxi in London.

London taxi

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If a set of identical twin women

married a set of identical twin men

and subsequently had children,

their kids would genetically be siblings.

nicoleandjaqueline

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Every year Louis Vuitton burns

all of its unsold stock of bags.

Louis_Vuitton_Speedy_Hand_Bags

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It is against the law in Barbados to wear any camouflage clothing,

but, hey, if it’s good enough whose going to notice?

bushgreen camouflage

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Sean Connery wore a wig in every

one of his Bond performances.

Sean Connery James Bond

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Whilst chewing gum in Singapore is not illegal,

importing it, or selling it,

or spitting it on to the pavement definitely is.

Singapore gum sign

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Peter Sellers was paid $1 million for his

part in the movie Dr. Strangelove,

55 percent of the film’s budget.

peter-sellers-as-dr-strangelove

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In Canada stores are not

legally required to accept coins

Canadian-Specimen-Set-Coins

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The United Arab Emirates donated a laptop

to every high school student in Joplin, Missouri,

after the city had been devastated by a tornado.

Joplin, Missouri after tornado

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Astronaut Pete Conrad’s first sentence on the moon was

“Oooh, is that soft an queasy”,

said in order to win a $500 bet.

pete conrad

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And speaking of the Moon,

the Moonwalk predates Michael Jackson by at least 50 years,

having been performed by James Brown, David Bowie,

Dick Van Dyke and Cab Calloway.

(MJ is still the best at it though.)

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The Monday Quiz Returns.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, the Monday Quiz returns.

No surprises there, but maybe one or two in the questions.

Let’s see how you do this week. 

If you get stuck the answers are, as usual, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below  –  but please NO cheating!

Enjoy, and good luck!

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quiz 09

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Q.  1:  What handicap did the composer Beethoven have?

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Q.  2:  According to legend, who rewarded a man for his loyalty by giving him  the secret recipe for Drambuie?

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Q.  3:  Which two semaphoric letters are found on the famous anti war peace symbol from the 1960’s ?

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Q.  4:  In which movie would you find a robot called ‘Gort’

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Q.  5:  What name did the Vikings give to Newfoundland?

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Q.  6:  What do all of the following have (or don’t have) in common? 

Galileo, Jesse James, Jerry Garcia, Dustin Hoffman, James Doohan, Frodo Baggins,  Tony Iommi, Telly Savalas, Boris Yelzin, Buster Keaton, Harold Lloyd, Daryl Hannah and Gary Burghoff (‘Radar’ O’Reilly from M*A*S*H)

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Q.  7:  In literature, King Richard III was desperate and willing to pay a high price for what?

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Q.  8:  Which fruit is a port city in the Democratic Republic of the Congo? 

    a) Orange

    b) Banana

    c) Ugli

    d) Guava

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Q.  9:  In China in 1989 in which Beijing Square were the protests against the government crushed by tanks?

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Q. 10:  What is the name of the race of giants mentioned in the Bible who lived in Canaan?

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Q. 11:  “I coulda had class, I coulda been somebody, I coulda been a contender”. What famous actor said the words and in which famous movie?

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Q. 12:  Who was the first WBC heavyweight boxing champion in 1978?

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Q. 13:  What is the name of the current German Chancellor?

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Q. 14:  Put the following in the correct order starting with the fastest and ending with the slowest:

 Human, Nimitz class aircraft carrier, Grizzly bear, A common pig, Cheetah, Japanese ‘bullet’ train, Ostrich, Peregrin falcon. 

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Q. 15:  Which new country was formed in 1971 at the end of the Pakistan / India conflict?

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Q. 16:  Who played ‘Lucy Ewing’ in the hit TV Series ‘Dallas’ and what was her rather unkind nickname?

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Q. 17:  What was the name of the French underground movement that fought against the Germans in World War II?

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Q. 18:  Name the capital and the largest city in New Zealand (a point for each).

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Q. 19:  In the ‘Bond’ movies what were the codenames for James Bond’s boss and the person responsible for the gadgets he used? 

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Q. 20:  What ‘o’clock’ is mentioned in the Bangles hit song ‘Manic Monday’?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  What handicap did the composer Beethoven have?

A.  1:  He was hearing impaired.

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Q.  2:  According to legend, who rewarded a man for his loyalty by giving him  the secret recipe for Drambuie?

A.  2:  Bonnie Prince Charlie.

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Q.  3:  Which two semaphoric letters are found on the famous anti war peace symbol from the 1960’s ?

A.  3:  N and D for Nuclear Disarmament.

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Q.  4:  In which movie would you find a robot called ‘Gort’

A.  4:  The Day The Earth Stood Still.

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Q.  5:  What name did the Vikings give to Newfoundland?

A.  5:  Vinland.

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Q.  6:  What do all of the following have (or don’t have) in common? 

 Galileo, Jesse James, Jerry Garcia, Dustin Hoffman, James Doohan, Frodo Baggins,  Tony Iommi, Telly Savalas, Boris Yelzin, Buster Keaton, Harold Lloyd, Daryl Hannah and Gary Burghoff (‘Radar’ O’Reilly from M*A*S*H)

A.  6:  They are/were all missing a finger or fingers.

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Q.  7:  In literature, King Richard III was desperate and willing to pay a high price for what?

A.  7:  “A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse.”

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Q.  8:  Which fruit is a port city in the Democratic Republic of the Congo? 

    a) Orange

    b) Banana

    c) Ugli

    d) Guava

A.  8:  b) Banana

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Q.  9:  In China in 1989 in which Beijing Square were the protests against the government crushed by tanks?

A.  9:  Tiananmen Square.

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Q. 10:  What is the name of the race of giants mentioned in the Bible who lived in Canaan?

A. 10:  Nephilim.

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Q. 11:  “I coulda had class, I coulda been somebody, I coulda been a contender”. What famous actor said the words and in which famous movie?

A. 11:  Marlon Brando in ‘On the Waterfront’.

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Q. 12:  Who was the first WBC heavyweight boxing champion in 1978?

A. 12:  Ken Norton.

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Q. 13:  What is the name of the current German Chancellor?

A. 13:  Angela Merkel.

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Q. 14:  Put the following in the correct order starting with the fastest and ending with the slowest:

 Human, Nimitz class aircraft carrier, Grizzly bear, A common pig, Cheetah, Japanese ‘bullet’ train, Ostrich, Peregrin falcon. 

A. 14:  The correct order, fastest to slowest, is:

    1) Japanese ‘bullet’ train (361 mph);  2) Peregrin falcon (200 mph); 3) Cheetah (70 mph); 4) Ostrich (40 mph); 5) Nimitz class aircraft carrier (34.5 plus mph); 6) grizzly bear (30 mph); 7. Human (28 mph); 8. Common pig  (11 mph)

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Q. 15:  Which new country was formed in 1971 at the end of the Pakistan / India conflict?

A. 15:  Bangladesh.

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Q. 16:  Who played ‘Lucy Ewing’ in the hit TV Series ‘Dallas’ and what was her rather unkind nickname?

A. 16:  ‘Lucy Ewing’ was played by Charlene Tilton and her nickname because of her lack of height was the ‘Poison Dwarf’

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Q. 17:  What was the name of the French underground movement that fought against the Germans in World War II?

A. 17:  The Maquis (If you are nice you can also claim a point for ‘French Resistance’)

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Q. 18:  Name the capital and the largest city in New Zealand (a point for each).

A. 18:  Wellington is the capital; Auckland is the largest city.

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Q. 19:  In the ‘Bond’ movies what were the codenames for James Bond’s boss and the person responsible for the gadgets he used? 

A. 19:  They were known as ‘M’ and ‘Q’.

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Q. 20:  What ‘o’clock’ is mentioned in the Bangles hit song ‘Manic Monday’?

A. 20:  6 o’clock.

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Raw toast is an ideal bread substitute.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Word play day, or more puns if you like that description better.

Endure or enjoy, preferably the latter!

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rofl

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“Let’s order some Chinese.”

“To do what?”

Chinese army

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I remember in 1995 when I went to an Oasis gig with my sister and my brother.

When the band came on stage I shouted, “Go Oasis.”

I never saw my sister after that.

Oasis-gig-at-Heaton-Park

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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

pig-clip-art-2

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I went into the hardware store and said,

“These shelves you sold me are useless. I couldn’t even…”

The cashier said, “Put ’em up?”

I said, “Okay, you wanna fight about it? Come on then!”

fight

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I was taking some notes the other day,

when I was arrested and escorted from the bank.

bank_robbery

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I’ve just started a new job at the local slaughterhouse, stunning cows.

…And some of the sheep are pretty good looking too.

cartoon-cow_art

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Did you hear about the neo Nazi builder?

He liked to drill with the bosch.

bosch drill

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As I stood on the tube this morning I thought to myself,

“My pringles are getting crushed”

pringles

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My Pokemon card collection was destroyed in a fire.

I’ve only got Ash now.

Ash

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I was perfectly happy in Mississippi,

Then Mr Sippi came back early from his business trip.

young-man-running-away

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I love watching videos of lakes and rivers on the internet.

I’m viewing a live stream right now.

mossy_stream

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My friend said he met a prostitute who connected a battery charger to his bits.

I said, “Woweee, how much did she charge you?”

Electric Shoc

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Two pencils decided to have a race.

They drew.

cartoon-pencils-friends

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My friend said he’s going to set a new standard in pubs

by opening one on the top of a mountain.

Personally, I think he’s raised the bar too high.

man on top of mountain

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Tattoos are great for preserving memories,

otherwise I would have totally forgotten about those anchors.

popeye-sailor anchor tattoos

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Controversial Post? – Should We Get Rid Of Homos?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Some blogs meander along trying to be very politically correct. But not here at fasab. Controversial or not, the philosophy here is to tell it as it is.

So to repeat the question in the title…. 

Should we get rid of homos?

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Of course, I’m talking about homographs and homophones – I don’t know what YOU were thinking of?

If you are a regular visitor to this blog you will know that quite often we have a look at amusing misprints or mistakes on signs, classified ads, newspaper headlines, or wherever else they can be found.

Nearly always the problem is peoples’ failure to grasp the intricacies of the English language.

If you are born and bred in an English speaking country then it is relatively easy to grasp the basics of the language, although there is a steady deterioration in some of these, like speleling for example. (That was a deliberate mistake for comic affect by the way.)

So what about the homos then?

For those who haven’t made up their mind yet, a homograph – (also known as a heteronym, but where would have been the fun in that title?) – is a word of the same written form as another but of different meaning and usually different origin.

Sometimes it is pronounced the same as the other word, in which case it is known as a homograph.

homograph definition

Sometimes they are pronounced differently, in which case they are called homophones.

homophone definition

An example of the former is the word “letter” which is pronounced the same whether the meaning is a message written to someone, or to describe a particular member of the alphabet such as ‘A’, ‘B’, ‘C’, etc.

An example of the latter could be the word “lead” which is pronounced differently if it means a metal (“the lead was very heavy”), or to be the front runner of a group of people (“he was in the lead”).

There are a lot more homos around than you might at first think. Here are just a few examples I saw recently. I hope you find them interesting and maybe even begin to realize what a nightmare learning the English language must be for those not immersed in it from a very young age.

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1) The bandage was “wound” around the “wound”.

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2) The farm was used to “produce” “produce”.

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3) The dump was so full that it had to “refuse” more “refuse”.

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4) We must “polish” the “Polish” furniture.

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5) He could “lead” if he would get the “lead” out.

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6) The soldier decided to “desert”  his “dessert” in the “desert”.

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7) Since there is no time like the “present”, he thought it was time to “present” the “present”.

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8) A “bass” was painted on the head of the “bass” drum.

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9) When shot at the “dove”  “dove” into the bushes.

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10) I did not “object” to the “object”.

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11) The insurance was “invalid” for the “invalid”.

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12) There was a “row” among the oarsmen about how to “row”.

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13) They were too “close” to the door to “close” it.

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14) The buck “does” funny things when the “does” are present.

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15) A seamstress and a “sewer” fell down into a “sewer” line.

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16) The farmer used a “sow” to help him “sow” the crop.

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17) The “wind” was too strong to “wind” the sail.

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18) Upon seeing the “tear” in the painting I shed a “tear”.

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19) I had to “subject” the “subject” to a series of tests.

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20) How can I “intimate” this to my most “intimate” friend?

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Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. 

For example, there are no “eggs” in “eggplant”, nor “ham” in “hamburger”.  

There is neither “pine” nor “apple” in “pineapple”.

“English” muffins weren’t invented in “England” nor “French” fries in “France”.

“Sweetmeats” are “sweet” but are candies and not “meats”, whereas “sweetbreads” are neither “sweet” nor “bread”, but in fact meat.

Boxing “rings” are “square” and a “guinea pig” is neither from “Guinea” nor is it a “pig”.

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And why is it that “writers” “write”, but “fingers” don’t “fing”, “grocers” don’t “groce” and “hammers” don’t “ham”?

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If the plural of “tooth” is “teeth”, why isn’t the plural of “booth”, “beeth”? Why one “index”, but two or more “indices”?  Or why do you have one “goose” and two “geese”, and one “moose” but never two “meese”?

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You can make “amends” but what do you do if you have just one thing to amend? Or if you have a bunch of “odds and ends” and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call what’s left?

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If teachers “taught”, why didn’t preachers “praught”?

And if a “vegetarian” eats vegetables, what does a “humanitarian” eat?

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In what other language would people “recite at a play” and “play at a recital”; have “noses” that “run” and “feet” that “smell”; or send a “shipment” by “car” and “cargo” by “ship”?

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How can a “slim chance” and a “fat chance” be the same, while a “wise man” and a “wise guy” are opposites?

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Or why can people like the Amish “raise” a barn, meaning to “erect” a building, whereas everywhere else when we “raise” a building to the ground we mean we “demolish” it?

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You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn “up” as it burns “down”; in which you “fill in” a form by “filling it out”; and in which an alarm goes “off” by going “on”.

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Even when you are standing still you can be part of the human “race” and you can look at the stars which are visible when they are “out”, unlike a light which is invisible when it is “out”.

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Finally, there is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is “UP”.

It’s easy to understand “UP”, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we “wake UP”? At a meeting, why does a topic “come UP”? Why do we “speak UP”?

Or do what I am going to do now, which is to “shut UP”.

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Perfectly Timed Photos, Part Five

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Welcome to another weekend and the final selection of perfectly timed photographs.

Since this is the last in this short series I am going to let the animals have the final word, or the final look might be more accurate.

Below is a mixture of domesticated and wild animals all caught on camera at exactly the right moment in time to produce fascinating and sometimes very funny pictures.

Hope you enjoy this final (for the moment) selection.

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ptp They Fly

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perfectly-timed-photos-part2-11

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Wheres-Waldo

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Three Headed Giraffe

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not a sausage

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dogbrick

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in jail

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invisible dog

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ambition

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dog flap

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toleration

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dear me

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clever dog

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puppy pig

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show me

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whats going on

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donkey smile

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Kung-Fu-Frog-Batam-Island-Indonesia

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slippery

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