I’ve Heard Of A Plane Going Missing – But An Entire Airport???

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Bureaucrats lose things because they are incompetent and stupid.

We all know that.

My posts on the debacle at the US government’s Office of Personnel Management, where they lost over 21 million records of government employees and those who had applied for government jobs, was a good example.

I though at the time I read about this and did my blog posts that this would be a tough one to beat as regards stupidity and incompetence.

I was wrong.

 

Enter the Irish.

Irish bureaucrats have lost an entire airport.

And it only cost them €27 million  to do it.

A bargain one might think in terms of bureaucratic faux pas.

Up until last week you could find Ireland’s Shannon Airport, in Shannon, County Clare.

Sounds logical enough. If I was looking for Shannon Airport, Shannon is the first place I would look for it. They have had an airport there for over seventy years.

Now, however, after the introduction of Ireland’s new €27 million postcode system, the ‘Eircode’, you can now find Shannon Airport in – wait for it – a different county, County Limerick.

If that isn’t funny enough, the system also has a ‘mapping’ option which the bureaucrats say can identify the exact latitude and longitude of 2.2 million individual addresses. They’ll most likely be in the wrong latitude and longitude, but at least you know exactly how wrong the location is.

Naturally there are other problems with the ‘Eircode’ postcode system, ranging from other incorrect addresses to data protection concerns, but the airport one is the star of the show.

In typical bureaucratic fashion, despite the fact that the whole thing is an almighty mess, Communications Minister Alex White defended the new national system.

He even claimed it would make postal deliveries much easier in the long run – the ‘long run’ presumably referring to the distance traveled by your mail going to the wrong delivery address and confused users of the system going to all the wrong places.

Not only do the bewildered Irish users of this new system get wrong addresses for their €27 million, but they are only allowed a miserable fifteen searches per day, meaning you would need to persevere with it for more than a week if you were organizing a big event, like a wedding or anniversary do.

There is an option to search for more wrong addresses but the fee for that dubious privilege is between €60 and €180 a year, depending on the number of searches performed.

Good luck with selling that too!

Now where did I put the milk for my coffee?

Ah yes, in the garage next door.

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A Different Sort Of Quiz Today

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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To give you a bit of a break from the normal quiz day – yes, I’m still watching the World Cup football and the final was yesterday. Well done Germany, commiserations Argentina. 

So instead here is one taken by other people.

Twenty questions from a SAT Science Exam and, as well as being amusing, it is also a good commentary on  the state of the education system these days.

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Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

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Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

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Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

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Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

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Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

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Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

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Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

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Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

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Q: What is artificial insemination?

A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

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Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

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Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g., abdomen.)

A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

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Q: What is the Fibula?

A: A small lie.

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Q: What does “varicose” mean?

A: Nearby.

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Q: What is the most common form of birth control?

A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

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Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section”

A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

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Q: What is a seizure?

A: A Roman emperor.

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Q: What is a terminal illness?

A: When you are sick at the airport

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Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

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Q: What does the word “benign” mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

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Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

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Failure Is The Path Of Least Persistence.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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If failure is path of least persistence, you can’t accuse me of failing to stick up for puns.

This series has already been going a lot longer than I ever imagined.

Will it ever end?

Eventually I suppose.

But not this week.

So enjoy or endure some more!

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It’s your attitude and not your aptitude

that determines your altitude.

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Last night I had a dream that a silicon chip and

a hard drive conditionally offered to bring my dinner over.

If memory serves me.

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It’s been decided that there will be a

new gay wing of the Government.

They’re starting with the Homo Office.

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Who is the worst chicken killer in Shakespeare?

Macbeth. He did murder most foul.

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L’Oreal camouflage paint.

Because you’re war fit.

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My wife gave me a leaflet about

anger management last week…

I lost it.

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People hang on my every word.

Probably why I lost my job at the Samaritans.

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Two old ladies knocked on my door,

selling the bible and brown bread,

they were the Hovis witnesses!

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I’ve got an idea for a new interactive reality TV show.

It’s called ‘Bone Idol’.

I can’t be bothered to send it in though.

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At the recent winter Olympics, as the rest of the

bobsleigh team prepared for their first run,

the brake man suddenly fell to the floor clutching his leg.

“Go on without me,” he cried.

“I’ll only slow you down.”

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Drilling for oil is boring.

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I used to run a dating agency for chickens.

But I was struggling to make hens meet.

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Did you hear about the Frenchman

who could only count to seven?

He had a huit allergy.

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Cool, although I just barley got it…a little corny….

I can’t help it, they just keep cropping up….

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A bulb walks into an airport without any bags

wearing nothing but a shirt, sandals, and a hat.

The check in girl looks at him and says,

“Travelling light?”

The bulb says “Yes, I am.”

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Fasab’s Mammoth End Of The Year Quiz!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”  

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If you are anything like me, sometimes you’ll have trouble remembering what you were doing yesterday, let alone what happened several months ago.

If so, this quiz should be a bit of a challenge.

There aren’t any difficult or trick questions. The answers are all events that happened during the year 2013 and all were reported widely at the time they happened on the television, radio, internet and newspapers.

Let’s see if you were paying attention and how much of it you can recall now.

As usual the answers can be found waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please, NO cheating!

Good luck, and enjoy.

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Q.  1:  What former resident of Robben Island died late this year?

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Q.  2:  What country landed a rover vehicle on the Moon in 2013? 

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Q.  3:  Who won the 2013 NBA Finals? (Bonus points for their opponents and for the score) 

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Q.  4:  In what country did terrorists attack a shopping mall killing 59 people and injuring 175? (Bonus point if you can also name the city.) 

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Q.  5:  What mobile phone company did Microsoft buy in 2013 for $7.2 billion? 

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Q.  6:  In 2013 what city had the winning bid to host the 2020 Olympic Games?

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Q.  7:  What major American city filed for bankruptcy during 2013? 

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Q.  8:  What former British Prime Minister died during 2013 at the age of 87? 

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Q.  9:  A huge tornado hit which American city in 2013 causing massive devastation? 

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Q. 10:  What internet social media company did Yahoo buy for $1.1 billion during 2013? 

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Q. 11:  A factory collapsed in which Asian country killing over 700 people? 

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Q. 12:  Terrorists attacked a marathon race in which city during 2013? 

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Q. 13:  2013 saw which country become the first to make plans to tax bank deposits?

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Q. 14:  In what country in 2013 did meteorites injured hundreds of people? 

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Q. 15:  What world leader announced a shock resignation during 2013? 

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Q. 16:  A fire in a nightclub killed about 230 people in what country?

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Q. 17:  Which soccer player won the 2013 FIFA Ballon d’Or for the third consecutive year? 

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Q. 18:  130 wildfires across the east coast of which country forced thousands to evacuate their homes? 

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Q. 19:  In 2013 which of the world’s major cities was declared to have air pollution levels that are hazardous to human health?

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Q. 20:  Calcium deposits were discovered on what planet by NASA’s Curiosity Rover?  

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Q. 21:  What country unveils plans to build the world’s largest wind farm near the site of a former nuclear reactor plant? 

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Q. 22:  Who succeeded Hillary Rodham Clinton as the United States Secretary of State during 2013? 

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Q. 23:  Who won Super Bowl XLVII? (Bonus points for their opponents and for the score.)  

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Q. 24:  Where did a massive blizzard result in 15 deaths, 5,300 cancelled flights, and loss of power for 900,000 people during 2013?  

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Q. 25:  Which country confirmed that it had successfully tested a nuclear device that could be weaponized and also declared war on its neighboring state?   

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Q. 26:  $50 million worth of diamonds were stolen in an armed robbery at an airport in which European city? 

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Q. 27:  Who was elected to a second term as the President of Cuba? 

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Q. 28:  Who won the 2013 Daytona 500? 

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Q. 29:  Who in 2013 became the first male Monarch of Netherlands in 123 years?  

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Q. 30:  In 2013 what company announced a $17 billion bond offering, the largest ever from a private company? 

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Q. 31:  Who won the 77th Golf Masters Championship?

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Q. 32:  What bunch of politicians passed a bill intending to enable the taxing of online sales? 

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Q. 33:  Who announced his retirement as Manchester United’s manager at the end of the 2012-2013 soccer season?

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Q. 34:  Who regained his position in 2013 as the world’s richest man with an estimated fortune of $72.7 Billion? 

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Q. 35:  What country won the 2013 World Ice Hockey Championship? (Bonus point if you know who they beat.)  

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Q. 36:  Which world leader announced his divorce with his wife on national TV in June 2013? 

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Q. 37:  Which golfer won the 113th US Open in 2013? 

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Q. 38:  Which Middle Eastern President is deposed in a military coup during 2013? 

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Q. 39:  €103 million of diamonds is stolen from the Carton Intercontinental Hotel in which well known festive French city?  

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Q. 40:  Who became Prime Minister of Australia in September 2013, after a Liberal-National Coalitions wins the election?  

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Q. 41:  Who won the 2013 US Tennis Open? 

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Q. 42:  What country switched off its last working nuclear reactor in 2013?

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Q. 43:  What was the largest company by revenue on the 2013 Fortune 500 list?    

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Q. 44:  12 people were killed after a gunman opens fire at a naval yard in what major American city? 

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Q. 45:  Who became the first British man to win a Wimbledon tennis title since 1936? 

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Q. 46:  What computer/console game became the fastest entertainment product to reach $1 billion in sales during 2013? 

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Q. 47:  Who set a new MLB record with 24 Grand Slam home runs for the New York Yankees? 

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Q. 48:  Who won a third term with their best result since 1990 in German Federal elections? (A point each for the name of the Party and it’s leader.)

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Q. 49:  Who is named PGA Tour’s player of the year for the 11th time? 

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Q. 50:  It was perhaps the biggest joke of the year and started in the United States on October 1st and ended on October 16th – what was it? 

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  What former resident of Robben Island died late this year?

A.  1:  Nelson Mandela

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Q.  2:  What country landed a rover vehicle on the Moon in 2013? 

A.  2:  China.

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Q.  3:  Who won the 2013 NBA Finals? (Bonus points for their opponents and for the score) 

A.  3:  Miami Heat, beating San Antonio Spurs 4-3.

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Q.  4:  In what country did terrorists attack a shopping mall killing 59 people and injuring 175? (Bonus point if you can also name the city.) 

A.  4:  Nairobi, Kenya.

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Q.  5:  What mobile phone company did Microsoft buy in 2013 for $7.2 billion? 

A.  5:  Nokia.

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Q.  6:  In 2013 what city had the winning bid to host the 2020 Olympic Games?

A.  6:  Tokyo, Japan.

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Q.  7:  What major American city filed for bankruptcy during 2013? 

A.  7:  Detroit.

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Q.  8:  What former British Prime Minister died during 2013 at the age of 87? 

A.  8:  Margaret Thatcher.

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Q.  9:  A huge tornado hits which American city causing massive devastation? 

A.  9:  Oklahoma.

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Q. 10:  What internet social media company did Yahoo buy for $1.1 billion during 2013? 

A. 10:  Tumblr.

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Q. 11:  A factory collapsed in which Asian country killing over 700 people? 

A. 11:  Bangladesh.

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Q. 12:  Terrorists attacked a marathon race in which city during 2013? 

A. 12:  Boston.

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Q. 13:  2013 saw which country become the first to make plans to tax bank deposits?

A. 13:  Cyprus.

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Q. 14:  In what country in 2013 did meteorites injured hundreds of people? 

A. 14:  Russia.

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Q. 15:  What world leader announced a shock resignation during 2013? 

A. 15:  Pope Benedict XVI.

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Q. 16:  A fire in a nightclub killed about 230 people in what country?

A. 16:  Brazil.

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Q. 17:  Which soccer player won the 2013 FIFA Ballon d’Or for the third consecutive year? 

A. 17:  Lionel Messi.

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Q. 18:  130 wildfires across the east coast of which country forced thousands to evacuate their homes? 

A. 18:  Australia.

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Q. 19:  In 2013 which of the world’s major cities was declared to have air pollution levels that are hazardous to human health?

A. 19:  Beijing, China.

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Q. 20:  Calcium deposits were discovered on what planet by NASA’s Curiosity Rover?  

A. 20:  Mars.

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Q. 21:  What country unveils plans to build the world’s largest wind farm near the site of a former nuclear reactor plant? 

A. 21:  Japan, near the Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Plant.

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Q. 22:  Who succeeded Hillary Rodham Clinton as the United States Secretary of State during 2013? 

A. 22:  John Kerry.

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Q. 23:  Who won Super Bowl XLVII? (Bonus points for their opponents and for the score.)  

A. 23:  The Baltimore Ravens beat the San Francisco 49ers by 34–31.

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Q. 24:  Where did a massive blizzard result in 15 deaths, 5,300 cancelled flights, and loss of power for 900,000 people during 2013?  

A. 24:  In the US and Canada.

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Q. 25:  Which country confirmed that it had successfully tested a nuclear device that could be weaponized and also declared war on its neighboring state?  

A. 25:  North Korea.

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Q. 26:  $50 million worth of diamonds were stolen in an armed robbery at an airport in which European city? 

A. 26:  Brussels, Belgium.

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Q. 27:  Who was elected to a second term as the President of Cuba? 

A. 27:  Raúl Castro.

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Q. 28:  Who won the 2013 Daytona 500? 

A. 28:  Jimmie Johnson.

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Q. 29:  Who in 2013 became the first male Monarch of Netherlands in 123 years?  

A. 29:  Willem-Alexander.

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Q. 30:  In 2013 what company announced a $17 billion bond offering, the largest ever from a private company? 

A. 30:  Apple.

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Q. 31:  Who won the 77th Golf Masters Championship?

A. 31:  Adam Scott.

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Q. 32:  What bunch of politicians passed a bill intending to enable the taxing of online sales? 

A. 32:  The US Senate.

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Q. 33:  Who announced his retirement as Manchester United’s manager at the end of the 2012-2013 soccer season?

A. 33:  Sir Alex Ferguson.

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Q. 34:  Who regained his position in 2013 as the world’s richest man with an estimated fortune of $72.7 Billion? 

A. 34:  Bill Gates.

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Q. 35:  What country won the 2013 World Ice Hockey Championship? (Bonus point if you know who they beat.)  

A. 35:  Sweden, beating Switzerland.

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Q. 36:  Which world leader announced his divorce with his wife on national TV in June 2013? 

A. 36:  Russian President Vladimir Putin.

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Q. 37:  Which golfer won the 113th US Open in 2013? 

A. 37:  Justin Rose.

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Q. 38:  Which Middle Eastern President is deposed in a military coup during 2013? 

A. 38:  Egypt’s president, Mohammed Morsi.

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Q. 39:  €103 million of diamonds is stolen from the Carton Intercontinental Hotel in which well known festive French city?  

A. 39:  Cannes, France.

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Q. 40:  Who became Prime Minister of Australia in September 2013, after a Liberal-National Coalitions wins the election?  

A. 40:  Tony Abbott.

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Q. 41:  Who won the 2013 US Tennis Open? 

A. 41:  Rafael Nadal, beating Novak Djokovic.

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Q. 42:  What country switched off its last working nuclear reactor in 2013?

A. 42:  Japan.

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Q. 43:  What was the largest company by revenue on the 2013 Fortune 500 list?    

A. 43:  Wal-Mart.

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Q. 44:  12 people were killed after a gunman opens fire at a naval yard in what major American city? 

A. 44:  Washington DC.

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Q. 45:  Who became the first British man to win a Wimbledon tennis title since 1936? 

A. 45:  Andy Murray,  beating Novak Djokovic.

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Q. 46:  What computer/console game became the fastest entertainment product to reach $1 Billion in sales during 2013? 

A. 46:  Grand Theft Auto.

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Q. 47:  Who set a new MLB record with 24 Grand Slam home runs for the New York Yankees? 

A. 47:  Alex Rodriquez.

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Q. 48:  Who won a third term with their best result since 1990 in German Federal elections? (A point each for the name of the Party and it’s leader.)

A. 48:  The Christian Democrats, led by Angela Merkel.

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Q. 49:  Who is named PGA Tour’s player of the year for the 11th time? 

A. 49:  Tiger Woods.

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Q. 50:  It was perhaps the biggest joke of the year and started in the United States on October 1st and ended on October 16th – what was it? 

A. 50:  The Federal Government shutdown as a result of politicians squabbling over spending.

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First Quiz For December. Let’s See How You Do.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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First of the Monday quizzes for December.

As usual the answers can be found waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below – but NO cheating please.

Enjoy, and good luck!

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Q.  1: In which American state did the English first settle in 1607?

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Q.  2:  What name was given to a pilot who flew suicide missions in World War II?

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Q.  3:  Whish of these is the name of a town or city in Turkey?

a)  Batman        b)  Robin           c)  Joker

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Q.  4:  Who was the first person to cross the English channel with an airplane?

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Q.  5:  Fifty years ago, on November 22^nd 1963, President Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas, Texas but what was the name of the airport where Air Force One landed on that fateful journey?

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Q.  6:  Why did the Roman Catholic church ban Mozart’s music?

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Q.  7:  Australia built fences across outback areas to contain what agricultural pest?

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Q.  8:  Which country’s troops invaded Cambodia in 1979?

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Q.  9:  Who played an aging Jewish Nazi hunter named ‘Ezra Lieberman’ and in what movie? (A point for each answer.)

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Q. 10:  In which country is the site of the famous battle of Waterloo?

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Q. 11:  Which American diva got married after a whirlwind romance, in 2008?

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Q. 12:  What were the first names the four members of the ‘Cartwright family’ and what long running television show they were in?  (Character’s names, not their real names and you can have a point for each.)

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Q. 13:  What do the actors Rex Harrison, Yul Brynner and Yun Fat Chow all have in common?

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Q. 14:  Who noted the day before he was killed in 1968: “I’m not worried about anything. I’m not fearing any man”?

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Q. 15:  What famous television series starred Marilu Henner, Judd Hirsch and Danny DeVito?

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Q. 16:  In which 1964 musical movie was Audrey Hepburn’s singing dubbed by Marni Nixon?

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Q. 17:  In which country, until 1922, was the Ruler referred to as ‘Sultan of the Ottoman Empire’?

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Q. 18:  Which nanny did Julie Andrews win an Oscar for playing?

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Q. 19:  Which Scottish engineer gave the first public demonstration of television in 1925?

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Q. 20:  Which song by Survivor is the best selling UK heavy metal release of all time?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1: In which American state did the English first settle in 1607?

A.  1:  Virginia.

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Q.  2:  What name was given to a pilot who flew suicide missions in World War II?

A.  2:  Kamikaze.

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Q.  3:  Whish of these is the name of a town or city in Turkey?

a)  Batman        b)  Robin           c)  Joker

A.  3:  a)  Batman  (Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo….)

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Q.  4:  Who was the first person to cross the English channel with an airplane?

A.  4:  Louis Blèriot.

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Q.  5:  Fifty years ago, on November 22^nd 1963, President Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas, Texas but what was the name of the airport where Air Force One landed on that fateful journey?

A.  5:  Love Field.

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Q.  6:  Why did the Roman Catholic church ban Mozart’s music?

A.  6:  He joined the Freemasons.

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Q.  7:  Australia built fences across outback areas to contain what agricultural pest?

A.  7:  Rabbits.

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Q.  8:  Which country’s troops invaded Cambodia in 1979?

A.  8:  Vietnam.

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Q.  9:  Who played an aging Jewish Nazi hunter named ‘Ezra Lieberman’ and in what movie? (A point for each answer.)

A.  9:  Laurence Olivier in ‘The Boys From Brazil’.

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Q. 10:  In which country is the site of the famous battle of Waterloo?

A. 10:  Belgium.

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Q. 11:  Which American diva got married after a whirlwind romance, in 2008?

A. 11:  Mariah Carey.

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Q. 12:  What were the first names the four members of the ‘Cartwright family’ and what long running television show they were in?  (Character’s names, not their real names and you can have a point for each.)

A. 12:  Ben, Adam, Eric (Hoss), and Joesph (Little Joe) in Bonanza.

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Q. 13:  What do the actors Rex Harrison, Yul Brynner and Yun Fat Chow all have in common?

A. 13:  They have all played the King (King Mongkut) in film. Harrison (‘Anna and the King of Siam’, 1946) Brynner (‘The King and I’, 1956), Chow (‘Anna and the King’, 1999).

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Q. 14:  Who noted the day before he was killed in 1968: “I’m not worried about anything. I’m not fearing any man”?

A. 14:  Martin Luther King.

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Q. 15:  What famous television series starred Marilu Henner, Judd Hirsch and Danny DeVito?

A. 15:  Taxi.

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Q. 16:  In which 1964 musical movie was Audrey Hepburn’s singing dubbed by Marni Nixon?

A. 16:  My Fair Lady.

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Q. 17:  In which country, until 1922, was the Ruler referred to as ‘Sultan of the Ottoman Empire’?

A. 17:  Turkey.

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Q. 18:  Which nanny did Julie Andrews win an Oscar for playing?

A. 18:  Mary Poppins.

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Q. 19:  Which Scottish engineer gave the first public demonstration of television in 1925?

A. 19:  John Logie Baird.

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Q. 20:  Which song by Survivor is the best selling UK heavy metal release of all time?

A. 20:  Eye of the Tiger.

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Lost In Translation Too!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Last Saturday I talked about the movie ‘Lost in Translation’ and how trying to communicate in a language that you don’t understand can have comic consequences.

I have had a few dodgy experiences using things like Google translator or Bing’s verson or even Bable Fish, but thankfully none quite as bad as this next bunch of signs.

Enjoy.

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All of which goes to prove that it is easier to get the

message across using symbols instead of words!

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Did They Really Mean To Say That? Newspaper Headlines Nightmares, Part Four!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Newspapers are a constant source of amusement.

Sometimes they do it on purpose, but more often than not they do it completely by mistake.

Even worse, they do it while trying to be terribly pompous and precise.

Enjoy this fourth selection in our short series of Newspaper Headline Nightmares!

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Oh How I Love These Puns. I Think I Have Found My Nietzsche!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, pun day again. For all of you who love (and hate) puns or word play.

Today we are starting off on the topical subject of employment, but there are plenty of other subjects that get the pun treatment as well.

Enjoy (even if you are pretending not to).

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My first job was working in an orange juice factory,

but I got canned

I just couldn’t concentrate.

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Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,

but I just couldn’t hack it,

so they gave me the axe.

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After that I tried to be a tailor,

but I just wasn’t suited for it.

The job was only so-so anyhow.

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Next I tried working in a muffler factory,

but that was exhausting.

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I wanted to be a barber,

but I just couldn’t cut it.

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I attempted to be a deli worker,

but any way I sliced it,

I couldn’t cut the mustard.

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My best job was being a musician,

but eventually I found I wasn’t note worthy.

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I studied a long time to become a doctor,

but I didn’t have any patience.

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Next was a job in a shoe factory;

but it just wasn’t the right fit.

 

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I became a professional fisherman,

but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

 

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I thought about becoming a witch,

so I tried that for a spell.

 

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I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company,

but the work was just too draining.

 

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After many years of trying to find steady work,

I finally got a job as a historian,

until I realized there was no future in it.

 

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My last job was working at Starbucks,

but I had to quit,

because it was always the same old grind.

 

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If you get sick at the airport

you may have a terminal illness.

 

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Peter won’t fly on virgin airlines

he says he won’t go with anything

that doesn’t go all the way!

 

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You may be an American outside the bathroom,

but inside, European.

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Do you know any puns about electricity?

About watt?

 

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A woman asked me for an example of a double entendre

…. so I gave her one….

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Safe And Secure

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Safe and secure is the wish of all of us and we pay other people to make sure that we are. In fact in today’s world hundreds of thousands of people are employed one way or another in the security business.

Looking at the macro-side of it, despite the fact that we all hate being treated as suspects when we go to the airport, most of the time the security people seem to get it right. After all, although many have been planned, there have been very few successful terrorist attacks since the infamous 9-11 in New York City and The Pentagon.

 

Nevertheless we have to be vigilant and cautious no matter where we are in the world. This is particularly so for American citizens and government employees, who are potential targets overseas.

Even in the most unlikely of places.

On July 31, last year, for example, Norwegian Police blocked off the area around Oslo’s royal palace following the discovery of a suspicious object beneath a nearby automobile outside the U.S. embassy.

The embassy was evacuated.

So was Norway’s royal palace and part of downtown Oslo.

Authorities even temporarily suspended subway service.

An international children’s soccer game was canceled at nearby Voldslokka Stadium so that the field could be used to land helicopters close to the embassy.

The Oslo bomb squad, emergency services and other agencies responded to the bomb alert. They examined the ‘device’ but were quickly able to determine that it was in fact a fake, much to the relief of everyone.

However, the incident then raised further questions.

Who had been responsible?

How had the perpetrators managed to breech Embassy security and plant the device, even a fake one?

It wasn’t too long before an “Oh, oh…” was heard.

Keen to make sure everyone was alert to the possibility of an attack, security staff at the U.S. embassy in Oslo had carried out a safety drill earlier in the week. That safety drill had included placing fake bombs on vehicles to rehearse their emergency-response operations.  

However, they forgot about one of the ‘bombs’ and a few days later the practice bomb was spotted on an embassy vehicle as it tried to enter the embassy grounds just after 11 a.m. The eagle-eyed security guards on duty leaped into action and the bomb alert was declared.

Of course the officials concerned apologized for their mistake in leaving the fake bomb, regretting any disruption caused by this incident, and essentially calling a bomb scare on themselves.

Safe and secure? Maybe, but from whom?

Who is going to protect us from the idiots?  

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They Give Answers To Questions, It’s Just That They Aren’t The Answers To The Questions They’ve Been Asked!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Monday again and that means another selection of the answers given by those members of the public who imagine themselves good enough to win prizes on television and radio quiz shows.

Howard?  Oh boy!

Enjoy.

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Q: In the traditional version of The Lord’s Prayer, what “H,” meaning sanctified, goes before “thy name”? 

A: Howard        

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Q: What island nation was the book Hiroshima written about?     

A: Iwo Jima

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Q: What October holiday celebrates the discovery of America?  

A: Thanksgiving

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Q: Who played Austin Powers in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me?     

A: Austin Powers

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Q: On TV’s “The Simpsons”, Homer’s neighbor, Ned, had what last name?          

A: Barfbag

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Q: According to legend, who rode naked through the streets of Coventry to protest high taxes?  

A: Benjamin Franklin

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Q: The Sea-Tac airport in Washington is named after the city of Seattle and what other city?        

A: Washington

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Q: What “F” are ice crystals formed by condensation on surfaces below freezing?          

A: Icicles         

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Q: The Nuremberg war crime trials were held in what country?     

A: Warsaw

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Q: What surname was shared by a historical outlaw named “Butch” and a fictional cowboy named “Hopalong?”    

A: Lesbian        

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Q: In science, which William discovered that blood circulates around the body?  

A: Shatner

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Q: What “T” are people who live in a house paying rent to a landlord?     

A: Terrorists

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Q: What was the last state to join the USA?       

A: Canada

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Q: What insect is normally found hovering above lakes?

A: Crocodiles    

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Q: In his 1961 number one UK single “Wooden Heart,” Elvis sings in English and which other European language?           

A: English

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Q: Which letter of the alphabet sounds exactly the same as the term for a female sheep?

A: Baa 

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Q: In human development, what “B” is the usual 4-letter word for a newborn infant?         

A: Wasp

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Q: In superstition, people salute which black and white bird when it is seen alone?          

A: Penguin

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Q: In human anatomy, the umbilicus is a scar in the center of the abdomen that is more commonly known by what five-letter name? 

A: Button

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Q: The term ‘Rubenesque’ derives from which 17th Century artist?           

A: Aretha Franklin

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