I Never Contradict Myself, But I Do Sometimes.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, another day to play with words, or on words, or perhaps a bit of both.

Whatever you think is more appropriate, enjoy!

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rofl

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“Welcome to the society of people scared of decimal numbers.”

“I’m glad I managed to round you all up”

decimals

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Two communists in a nudist camp.

One says to other “have you read marx comrade?”

The other replied “Yes I think its the wicker furniture.”

giraffe-cartoon-nudist-camp

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The photocopier in my office broke.

So I called in my secretary, Tracey.

broken photocopier

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It might be me, but I just can’t think

of a better word to describe myself.

dot-me-logo

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Norman Bates, motel, shower, stab, blood,

Alfred Hitchcock, secretary, mother, knife,

Janet Leigh, bank, steal.

That’s just Psychobabble.

Psycho_(1960)

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When I worked at the funfair I used to think

that life was all swings and roundabouts.

fun_fair_by_shadowdraco

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I went crazy after I couldn’t open the new door I’d just fitted.

In hindsight I should have handled it better.

broken door handle

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My teacher asked me to name all the presidents,

which is ridiculous as they already have names.

mt-rushmore-cartoonfrederator-studios

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I had a scary moment when I was taking the packaging off

my expensive new bookcase with a sharp knife.

I damn near slit my shelf.

bookshelves

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My wife couldn’t believe she got sacked for

misplacing the company’s new storefront sign.

She’s lost four words.

lost for words

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Someone just robbed me and stole my watch.

I would have chased them,

but I didn’t have the time.

Black_and_White_Dog_Cartoon_of_a_Dog_Selling_Stolen_Watches_clipart_image

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It’s the final of the Microwave Challenge Contest tonight.

Things will get heated.

microwave

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My English teacher accused me of plagiarizing everything I write.

I didn’t make this up.

teacher pupil plagiarizing

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Hollywood producers are in talks with Dustin Hoffman

to star in a film about a Zulu warrior who dresses as a woman

to try and make it as an actor.

They’re going to call it Tutsi.

tootsie-con-dustin-hoffman

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Workers protested at a bread factory

in France because of their low income.

Their manager comes up and says,

“No pain, no gain.”

pain-de-france

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I used to own a laxatives company.

Business was hard at first and it was eventually liquidated.

laxatives blowout specials

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“Well we’re not getting on your big boat.”

the two Unicorns told Noah.

It was anarchy.

unicorns

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Just bought a really basic pair of shears.

They’re not cutting hedge anyway.

hedge shears

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I did some work experience at a drug rehab centre.

They were very thorough: they left no intern stoned.

drug rehab

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The last wedding I was invited to went off without a hitch.

The groom didn’t turn up.

Cartoon_of_a_Bride_Left_at_the_Alter_clipart_image

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SURPRISE! Today Is The First Test Of 2013

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

I thought we should start the year off with a little intellectual stimulation, in other words twenty test questions to get you all thinking.

It has been a while since we had one so I hope you are ready, willing and able.

As usual some of the questions are difficult, some are easy, some are a bit tricky and some are a combination of these.

Enjoy!

(The answers are waaaaaay down below, but please, no cheating!)

questionmark

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Q  1. What is the collective term for a group of ravens?

ravens

Q  2. How long did the Hundred Years War last?

100 years war

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Q  3. What does the “WD” in WD-40 stand for?

wd40

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Q  4. An encyclopedia consists of ten volumes (sitting next to each other, in order, on a shelf). Each volume contains one thousand pages. Excluding the covers of each volume, how many pages are between the first page of the encyclopedia and the last?

10 volume encyclopedia set

Q  5. Who was the first US President to visit China?

US-China

Q  6. In a group of siblings, there are seven sisters, and each sister has one brother. How many siblings are there in total?

seven_sisters

Q  7. The first subway system in America was built in which city?

Subway

Q  8. Forward I’m heavy, backwards I’m not. What am I?

Heavy-Light

Q  9. Who received the Keys to the City of Detroit in 1980?

keys to city

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Q 10. How many 3-cent stamps in a dozen?

Abraham Lincoln 3-cent stamp

Q 11. Billie was born on December 28th, yet her birthday always falls in the summer. How is this possible?

Cartoon_Billie

Q 12. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg is white” or “The yolk of the egg are white?”

cartoon-egg

Q 13. A farmer has five haystacks in one field and four haystacks in another. How many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in one field?

haystacks

Q 14. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?

nickle and dime

Q 15. If you had only one match and entered a room in which there was a kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a woodburning stove, which would you light first?

match

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Q 16. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?

up and down

Q 17. I am the owner of a pet store. If I put in one canary per cage, I have one bird too many. If I put in two canaries per cage, I have one cage too many. How many cages and canaries do I have?

canary cage

Q 18. Rearrange the letters in the words “new door” to make one word.

new door cartoon

Q 19. A mile-long train is moving at sixty miles an hour when it reaches a mile-long tunnel. How long does it take the entire train to pass through the tunnel?

Train

Q 20. What number comes next?

2, 2, 4, 12, 48, ___

Colorful numbers

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ANSWERS

Q  1. What is the collective term for a group of ravens?

A  1. A group of ravens is called a murder.

Q  2. How long did the Hundred Years War last?

A  2. The Hundred Years War lasted for 116 years

Q  3. What does the “WD” in WD-40 stand for

A  3. The WD in WD-40 stands for Water Displacer

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Q  4. An encyclopedia consists of ten volumes (sitting next to each other, in order, on a shelf). Each volume contains one thousand pages. Excluding the covers of each volume, how many pages are between the first page of the encyclopedia and the last?

A  4. Eight thousand. When books sit on shelves, the first page of the book is the rightmost page, and the last page is the leftmost page. So you can’t count the pages in the first and last volumes.

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Q  5. Who was the first US President to visit China?

A  5. The first United States president to visit China was Richard Nixon

Q  6. In a group of siblings, there are seven sisters, and each sister has one brother. How many siblings are there in total?

A  6. Eight, if each sister has just the one brother.

Q  7. The first subway system in America was built in which city?

A  7. Most people guess New York, but the first subway system in America was built in Boston, Massachusetts in 1897.

Q  8. Forward I’m heavy, backwards I’m not. What am I?

A  8. ton

Q  9. Who received the Keys to the City of Detroit in 1980?

A  9. Saddam Hussein received the keys to the city of Detroit in recognition of large donations to a church. Oh, yes he did!!!

Q 10. How many 3-cent stamps in a dozen?

A 10. Er… A Dozen, 12. I hope you didn’t say 4.

Q 11. Billie was born on December 28th, yet her birthday always falls in the summer. How is this possible?

A 11. Billie lives in the southern hemisphere.

Q 12. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg is white” or “The yolk of the egg are white?”

A 12. Neither. Egg yolks are yellow.

Q 13. A farmer has five haystacks in one field and four haystacks in another. How many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in one field?

A 13. One. If he combines all his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

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Q 14. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?

A 14. The time is 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.

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Q 15. If you had only one match and entered a room in which there was a kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a woodburning stove, which would you light first?

A 15. The match.

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Q 16. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?

A 16. Temperature.

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Q 17. I am the owner of a pet store. If I put in one canary per cage, I have one bird too many. If I put in two canaries per cage, I have one cage too many. How many cages and canaries do I have?

A 17. Four canaries and three cages.

If you put one canary in each cage, you have an extra bird without a cage. However, if you put two canaries in each cage then you have two canaries in the first cage, two canaries in the second cage and an extra cage.

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Q 18. Rearrange the letters in the words “new door” to make one word.

A 18. “new door” can be rearranged into “one word”

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Q 19. A mile-long train is moving at sixty miles an hour when it reaches a mile-long tunnel. How long does it take the entire train to pass through the tunnel?

A 19. 2 minutes (The back of the train would be at the beginning of the tunnel after 1 minute, and would leave the end of the tunnel at the 2 minute mark.

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Q 20. What number comes next?

2, 2, 4, 12, 48, ___

A 20. 240.

To get the number, multiply the previous number in the series by its position.

48 is in the 5th position, so 48 × 5 = 240

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