The Primary Responsibility For A Child’s Education Is Apparent.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Yes, that’s right, The primary responsibility for a child’s education is apparent.

But everyone’s education would not be complete without a healthy dose of puns.

Always here to help, here’s today’s selection.

Enjoy!

.

.

I went into a fancy dress shop and asked the woman

working there if they had any ghost costumes.

She said “We don’t sell those, I’m afraid.”

Stupid woman. They’re not that scary.

.

.

ABC NEWS:

French Chef commits suicide after critic’s attack.

After further investigation it turns out

he simply lost the huile d’olive.

.

.

I went to a really posh school.

In fact, the school was so posh that the Gym was called James.

.

.

I have a friend who’s half Indian.

Ian.

.

.

Cleavage is the only thing that you can look down on

and approve of at the same time.

.

.

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.

She said, “I’m sick of it. You actually believe that you’re a Transformer.

It’s stupid. I’ve had enough and I’m leaving you.”

I said, “But, Baby, I can change.”

She said, “There you go again!”

.

.

I put a couple of ‘t’s in my beer last night.

I think it made it better.

.

.

Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?

.

.

I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my bedroom.

You know, to make it more classy.

.

.

I was only young when I learned to count.

It was odd at first, even then.

.

.

In a cave, I found pictures of women’s breasts,

but when I picked them up, a giant net fell on me.

Damn booby trap.

.

.

I make £1,000,000 a month cleaning Windows.

I invented Norton Anti-virus.

.

.

My parents gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday yesterday.

I couldn’t find the words to thank them.

.

.

I never let my children watch big band performances on TV.

Too much sax and violins.

.

.

There’s one thing I can’t stand when I’m drunk.

Up!

.

.

Einstein eventually developed a theory about space.

And it was about time too.

.

.

I’m so broke at the moment that all I can

afford to eat are herbs my mate has lent me.

I’m living on borrowed thyme.

.

.

I’ve just seen a group on Facebook called, ‘I hate feet’.

Obviously these people are fans of the metric system.

.

.

Talking to her about computer hardware,

makes my mother board.

.

.

My wife has packed her bags and gone –

just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I’m feeling cannelloni right now.

.

===============================

.

Oh How I Love These Puns. I Think I Have Found My Nietzsche!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Yes, pun day again. For all of you who love (and hate) puns or word play.

Today we are starting off on the topical subject of employment, but there are plenty of other subjects that get the pun treatment as well.

Enjoy (even if you are pretending not to).

.

.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory,

but I got canned

I just couldn’t concentrate.

. 

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,

but I just couldn’t hack it,

so they gave me the axe.

. 

After that I tried to be a tailor,

but I just wasn’t suited for it.

The job was only so-so anyhow.

. 

Next I tried working in a muffler factory,

but that was exhausting.

. 

I wanted to be a barber,

but I just couldn’t cut it.

. 

I attempted to be a deli worker,

but any way I sliced it,

I couldn’t cut the mustard.

. 

My best job was being a musician,

but eventually I found I wasn’t note worthy.

. 

I studied a long time to become a doctor,

but I didn’t have any patience.

. 

Next was a job in a shoe factory;

but it just wasn’t the right fit.

 

.

I became a professional fisherman,

but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

 

.

I thought about becoming a witch,

so I tried that for a spell.

 

.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company,

but the work was just too draining.

 

.

After many years of trying to find steady work,

I finally got a job as a historian,

until I realized there was no future in it.

 

.

My last job was working at Starbucks,

but I had to quit,

because it was always the same old grind.

 

.

If you get sick at the airport

you may have a terminal illness.

 

.

Peter won’t fly on virgin airlines

he says he won’t go with anything

that doesn’t go all the way!

 

.

You may be an American outside the bathroom,

but inside, European.

.

 

.

Do you know any puns about electricity?

About watt?

 

.

A woman asked me for an example of a double entendre

…. so I gave her one….

. 

============================== 

.

Do You Need Help?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Now and again people have said to me, “You need help.” And I’m not just talking about people who read this blog. They mean it in a caring way I’m sure and indeed there are occasions when a little help would be very welcome.

This is especially so in business. In these cases you are even willing to pay for that help, but you still have the problem of letting people know that you have a job for them.

So what do you do?

You advertise the available positions, of course.

Sounds easy?

Well, for most of us it is. For the intellectually challenged not so much.

Take a look at this lot below and you’ll see what I mean.

Enjoy!

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

===========================================

.

Feeble Fallout From Facebook’s Financial Floatation Flop

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Remember this post from way back towards the end of May 2012?

 Furious Flabbergasted Facebook Fools Face Frightening Falls From Fanciful Flagging Financial Flotation Farce. 

As well as being the biggest F’ing title ever seen on a WordPress blog, it drew attention to the debacle that was the much heralded launch of Facebook shares on the stock market.

.

Well, the fallout from what is now being called the IPOcalypse continues.

The head honcho at Nasdaq has had his CEO’s bonus slashed because of it, and rightly so.

But don’t start feeling sorry him just yet. Even with a slash he will still be taking home a $1.3m bonus, slightly north of half a million dollars lighter than it would have been, but still enough to get by on.

Oh yes, and that’s bonus on top of his $1 million salary!

Others at Nasdaq have also been penalized, including Anna Ewing, VP in charge of “technical glitches” that messed up the first day of trading. Her bonus was cut by over a quarter of a million dollars. But keep those hankies where they are, she is still left with a $574,125 bonus for the year.

Losses for angry brokers and traders from the botched IPO, on the other hand, have been estimated at around $500m. Nasdaq has approved just $62m in compensation, I suppose they needed the rest of their money to pay out the bonuses?

Like the banksters, it all begs the question of just how incompetent do you have to be in the financial industry to not just lose your bonus, but lose your job as well?

.

===================================

.

Things Your Grand-kids Will Probably Never Know

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

We all happen to be living during a time when there are great advances and changes being made in the way we live our lives. Some of them are to our benefit, other not so much so.

Politically and financially the world is in turmoil. There is an accelerating and inevitable shift of power and influence towards the east, with former great powers like Britain and America declining in their influence and their economic might.

Perhaps that is a natural phenomenon, after all as they say “every dog has its day”, but I happen to believe that a lot of it is due to stupidity and mismanagement allied with a self-defeating philosophy that the west somehow has a duty to police the world and to create nanny states for its citizens where they will neither have to work nor want.

Technologically there have also been many changes and many more to come. During the past twenty years with the advent and growth of the internet everything has changed, from the way we interact socially, to how and where we work, and how we manage our affairs whether that be banking, shopping or whatever.

What a lot of these changes mean is that future generations will have no idea of how our lives used to be. Already many of us who have lived through the changes have forgotten how we used to have to do things. What would it be like trying to explain the ‘old days’ to a generation with absolutely no point of reference to the world we were born into?

To remind you of how it used to be here is a list of some of things we have known and lost, consigned to the rubbish bin of history. Feel free to add your own items to this list of things that your grand-kids will probably never know.

.

.

Libraries as a place to get books rather than a place to use the internet.

Dewey Decimal System

Finding books in a card catalog at the library.

A physical dictionary — either for spelling or definitions.

Reference books such as phone books, encyclopaedias

Finding out information from an encyclopedia.

————-

.

Having to manually unlock a car door.

Looking out the window during a long drive.

Using a road atlas to get from A to B.

Getting lost in a world without GPS.

————-

.

Being able to add and subtract without a calculator

Long division and multiplication

Trig tables and log tables.

Slide rules

————-

.

House phones

Phone books and Yellow Pages.

Rotary-dial telephones.

Pay phones.

Phones with actual bells in them.

Answering machines.

Fax machines.

Not knowing who was calling you on the phone.

————-

.

Super-8 movies and cine film of all kinds.

Betamax tapes.

Video tapes and renting movies

Inserting a VHS tape into a VCR to watch a movie or to record something.

Laserdiscs.

8-track cartridges.

————-

.

Casette Tapes

Vinyl records. Even today’s DJs are going laptop or CD.

CDs and DVDs

Playing music on an audio tape using a personal stereo.

Taping songs off the radio

A Walkman.

————-

.

Rotary tuners that scanned the radio dial and hearing static between stations as you went through the ether.

Shortwave radio.

CB radios.

Rotary dial televisions with no remote control. You know, the ones where the kids were the remote control.

Waiting for the television-network premiere to watch a movie after its run at the theater.

————-

.

DOS.

The buzz of a dot-matrix printer

5- and 3-inch floppies, Zip Discs and countless other forms of data storage.

Booting your computer off of a floppy disk.

Tweaking the volume setting on your tape deck to get a computer game to load, and waiting ages for it to actually do it.

Counting in kilobytes.

Joysticks.

Having to delete something to make room on your hard drive.

Waiting several minutes (or even hours!) to download something.

When a ‘geek’ and a ‘nerd’ were one and the same.

NCSA Mosaic.

Netscape

Alta Vista

Being able to get a domain name consisting of real words.

————-

.

Cash.

Writing a check.

Doing bank business only when the bank is open.

Shopping only during the day, Monday to Saturday.

Being able to buy something in Walmart that isn’t made in China

————-

.

Privacy.

Being able to take a drive or walk down the street without being surveilled on numerous cameras

Not knowing exactly what all of your friends are doing and thinking at every moment.

————-

.

Carrying on a correspondence with real letters, especially the handwritten kind.

Neat handwriting.

Spelling

Grammar

The fact that words generally don’t have num8er5 in them.

Typewriters.

————-

.

Putting film in your camera

Sending that film away to be processed.

Having physical prints of photographs come back to you.

————-

.

Vacuum cleaners with bags in them.

Ashtrays

Roller skates, as opposed to blades.

————-

.

Significant Number Factoid Friday – Today The Number Is Fifty 50

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

This week’s significant number is fifty, perhaps one of the most used numbers of them all. Maybe we are so used to having it around that we don’t pay it much attention at all.

Until now.

Enjoy.

.

.

The Number 50

.

.

In religion

• The 50th word of the King James Version of the Bible’s Old Testament, Book of Genesis is “light”;
• There are 50 chapters in the book of Genesis in the Old Testament;
• Noah’s Ark was 50 cubits in width. “The length of the ark shall be 300 cubits, the breadth of it 50 cubits, and the height of it 30 cubits.” (Genesis, VI.15);

• Pentecost in Greek means “50th”;
• Pentecost is a Jewish summer feast held on the 50th day after the Passover;
• Pentecost is also called Whitsunday, a Christian feast, which commemorates the Descent of the Holy Ghost upon the Apostles, 50 days after Easter (Resurrection of Christ);
• 50 is also said to be one of the holiest numbers, being the sum of the squares of the sacred Pythagorean 3-4-5 triangle, i.e., 9 + 16 + 25 = 50;
• In Kabbalah, there are 50 Gates of Wisdom (or Understanding) and 50 Gates of Impurity;
• The traditional number of years in a jubilee period.

.

.

In science and technology

• 50 is the Atomic Number of Tin (Sn) (one of the seven metals of the alchemists).
• 50 is the fifth magic number in nuclear physics.

.

.

In space

• Open star cluster Messier 50

.

• 50th Space Wing
• The 50th Space Wing (50 SW) is a wing of the United States Air Force under the major command of Air Force Space Command (AFSPC). It was activated on 30 January 1992, replacing the 2nd Space Wing, which was inactivated on the same date.
• The unit is the host wing at Schriever Air Force Base, located east of Colorado Springs, Colorado. Their primary responsibility is to track and maintain the command and control, warning, navigational, and communications satellites for AFSPC. The 50th Space Wing also manages the Global Positioning System.
• Typical satellite monitoring tasks such as tracking and telemetry are the main part of their mission, and in so doing, they employ more than 5600 personnel (active duty military, guard and reserve, contractors, and DoD civilians.)

.

.

In politics

• Hawaii was the 50^th state to enter the union in 1960;
• There are now 50 stars on the flag of the United States of America, each representing one of the 50 states. The stars are arranged in 9 rows staggered horizontally and 11 rows staggered vertically. Diagonally they are:    1 + 3 + 5 + 7 + 9 + 9 + 7 + 5 + 3 + 1 = 50.

 .

.

In sport

• The jersey number 50 has been retired by a number of North American sports teams in honor of past playing greats or other figures.
• In Major League Baseball: the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, for coach Jimmie Reese, who served with the team when it was known as the California Angels.

coach Jimmie Reese California Angels

• In the NBA: the San Antonio Spurs, for Hall of Famer David Robinson.

San Antonio Spurs Hall of Famer David Robinson

• In the NFL: the New York Giants, for Hall of Famer Ken Strong.

New York Giants Hall of Famer Ken Strong

• No NHL team has retired the number, which is not frequently issued.
• Bill Barilko, was a hockey player whose final goal won the Toronto Maple Leafs the Stanley Cup. Four months and 5 days after he scored the winning goal to clinch Toronto’s seventh Stanley Cup, Barilko boarded a Fairchild 24, single-engine plane piloted by his friend Henry Hudson. He was returning home to Timmins from a fishing trip on James Bay. The plane vanished between Rupert House and Timmins. No trace of Hudson, Barilko or the Fairchild was discovered for 11 years, despite massive search efforts. The Maple Leafs were so distraught and unwilling to accept the tragedy that Barilko’s equipment remained in his usual locker room stall at the opening of the 1951 fall training camp. Rumors began circulating that Barilko, of Russian decent, had defected to the Soviet Union to teach his skills to young Soviet players. Finally on June 9, 1962, bush pilot Gary Fields came upon the wreck of a Fairchild 24, approximately 100 kilometers north of Cochrane, Ontario. Barilko was finally laid to rest in Timmins; the year that the Leafs won their first Stanley Cup since his disappearance 11 years earlier.
• The story of Barilko’s 1951 Stanley Cup heroics and his mysterious disappearance were the inspiration for The Tragically Hip song “Fifty Mission Cap”. The song appeared on the Canadian band’s third full-length album Fully Completely, and is often credited with reintroducing Barilko’s story to a younger generation.

.

.

In militaria

• Sukhoi T-50
• The Sukhoi PAK FA  is a twin-engine jet fighter being developed by Sukhoi for the Russian Air Force. The Sukhoi T-50 is the prototype for PAK FA.
• The PAK FA is one of only a handful of stealth jet programs globally.

• The PAK FA, a fifth generation jet fighter, is intended to be the successor to the MiG-29 and Su-27 in the Russian inventory and serve as the basis of the Sukhoi/HAL FGFA being developed with India.
• The T-50 prototype performed its first flight 29 January 2010.
• By 31 August 2010, it had made 17 flights and by mid-November, 40 in total. The second T-50 was to start its flight test by the end of 2010, but this was delayed until March 2011.
• The Russian Defence Ministry will purchase the first 10 evaluation example aircraft after 2012 and then 60 production standard aircraft after 2016.
• The first batch of fighters will be delivered with current technology engines.
• The PAK-FA is expected to have a service life of about 30–35 years.

 .

• T-50 light infantry tank
• The T-50 light infantry tank was built by the Soviet Union at the beginning of World War II. However it was complicated and expensive, and only a short production run of 69 tanks was completed. Furthermore, even before it was ready for mass-production wartime experience invalidated the underlying concept of light tanks.

.

• MKE T 50
• The HK33 is a 5.56mm assault rifle developed in the 1960s by West German armament manufacturer Heckler & Koch GmbH (H&K), primarily for export.
• Capitalizing on the success of their G3 design, the company developed a family of small arms (all using the G3 operating principle and basic design concept) consisting of four types of firearms: the first type, chambered in 7.62x51mm NATO, the second—using the Soviet 7.62x39mm M43 round, third—the intermediate 5.56x45mm caliber and the fourth type—chambered for the 9x19mm Parabellum pistol cartridge.
• The HK33 series of rifles were adopted by the Brazilian Air Force (Força Aérea Brasileira or FAB), the armed forces of Thailand and Malaysia where they were produced under a license agreement. The rifle was also license-built in France by MAS and in Turkey by MKEK. The HK33 is no longer manufactured or marketed by Heckler & Koch.

.

 

• M107
• The M107, with a family of ammunition, enables sniper teams to employ greater destructive force at greater ranges and complements the anti-personnel precision fire capability of the M24 (7.62mm, bolt action) Sniper Weapon System (SWS).
• The primary mission of this rifle is to engage and defeat materiel targets at extended ranges to include parked aircraft; command, control, communications, computers, and intelligence (C4I) sites; radar sites; ammunition; petroleum, oil and lubricants; and various other thin skinned (lightly armored) materiel targets out to 2000 meters.
• The M107 can also be used in a counter sniper role taking advantage of the longer stand off range and increased terminal effect when opposing snipers armed with smaller caliber weapons out to 1000 meters.
• It is a semi-automatic, air-cooled, box magazine-fed rifle chambered for .50 caliber ammunition and with a 10-round removable magazine. This rifle operates by means of the short recoil principle, rather than gas.

.

• Browning M2 .50 caliber (12.7mm) Machine Gun
• The Browning M2 .50 caliber (12.7mm) Machine Gun, is an iconic World War II era automatic, belt-fed, recoil operated, air-cooled, crew-operated machine gun. It is currently fielded by 20 different militaries around the world.
• The M2 machine gun is crew transportable with limited amounts of ammunition over short distances. The M2 HB machine gun is used to engage dismounted infantry, crew-served weapons, ATGM teams, light-armor vehicles, and aircraft.
• It fires from the closed-bolt position and is belt fed, recoil operated, air cooled, and crew operated. By repositioning some of the component parts, ammunition may be fed from either the left or right side. A disintegrating metallic link-belt is used to feed the ammunition into the weapon. The gun is capable of single-shot (ground M2), as well as automatic fire.  The AN/TVS-5 night-vision sight can be used with the M2 machine gun.

.

• Howdah Hunter
• During the first British colony government period in India, starting from 1840, the Howdah pistols were preferred by the army officers detached in the widest territories of the Empire.
• It is a classic large caliber double barrel pistol in the English gunsmith school style, used at close range to stop tigers which commonly leaped upon elephants carrying hunters in a Howdah in the far away colonial territories.
• It is normally finished with blued barrels, engraved locks featuring wide animals in their natural habitat, and case hardened color finish. The walnut pistol grip stock is checkered and finished with a steel butt cap. Barrel Length 11 1/4″. Weight 4.41 lbs. (20 ga), 5.07 lbs. (.50)

.

• Desert Eagle
• Although an American idea, the “Desert Eagle” was developed in Israel by the IMI (Israel Military Industries) in the early 1980s. The first Desert Eagles were manufactured in Israel and started appearing on gun dealers’ shelves in the US around 1985. Following a problem in meeting demand for the pistols in 1992 (and probably fearful of the prospect of government import limitations), Magnum Research started assembling parts of the gun in the US and currently is working toward full assembly and possibly manufacture of the guns stateside.
• Given the fact that the IMI is best known for the Uzi series of submachine guns and the Galil rifles, it isn’t surprising that the Desert Eagle departs radically from many other semi auto pistol designs, though the exterior belays this. The basic layout is like that of most other modern semi auto pistols (with the magazine release on the side of the grip, slide release on the left side of the frame, and a thumb-activated slide safety).
• Internally it is different. The pistol is gas-operated with a system that is more like a rifle than the delayed blow-back systems used with most other semi auto hand guns. The gas system employs a fixed, shrouded barrel which stays in position on the frame during firing, with gas coming up a port just ahead of the chamber to operate a three-lug rotating bolt that rides in the slide assembly. The fixed barrel gives the gun a lot of potential accuracy, a potential realized with most of these pistols when fired with quality ammunition.
• In addition to .357 Magnum, .41 AE, .41 Magnum, and .44 Magnum chamberings, the Desert Eagle is also available chambered for the .50 AE (Action Express).

.

• The Smith & Wesson 50 calibre Revolver
• Billed by Smith & Wesson as the most Powerful Production Revolver in the World Today, this S&W revolve uses the massive .500 S&W Magnum® Cartridge with 2600 ft/lb. Muzzle Energy.
• It is designed as a hunting handgun for any game animal walking.

.

.

In books, tv, movies and music

• The TV show Hawaii Five-O and its reimagined version, Hawaii Five-0, are so called because Hawaii is the last (50th) of the states to officially become a state.

• From the tv show, the term 5-O (Five-Oh) has become slang for police officers and/or a warning that police are approaching. Derived from the television show Hawaii Five-O
• 50 First Dates. A Groundhog Day type of movie starring Adam Sandler as Henry Roth, a man afraid of commitment up until he meets the beautiful Lucy. They hit it off and Henry think he’s finally found the girl of his dreams, until he discovers she has short-term memory loss and forgets him the very next day.
• 50/50. Inspired by a true story, a comedy centered on a 27-year-old guy who learns of his cancer diagnosis, and his subsequent struggle to beat the disease.
• Fifty shades of grey, the mummy-porn novel that became a huge seller in 2012
• Nickname of famous hip hop / rap legend 50 Cent.

• Paul Simon 50 ways to leave your lover

• 50 Ways To Say Goodbye by Train
• Train frontman Pat Monahan penned this song with Espionage, the Norwegian production duo that helped pen “Hey Soul Sister.”
• Espionage is made up of Espen Lind and Amund Bjørklund and amongst their other credits are Beyoncé’s “Irreplaceable” and Chris Brown’s “With You.”
• The song follows a similar theme to Paul Simon’s “50 Ways To Leave Your Lover,” though in this instance it’s the narrator’s pride that has been hurt as he looks for excuses to tell his friends why she’s disappeared from his life.

• 50 Words For Snow Kate Bush
• 50 Words For Snow comprises seven songs “set against a background of falling snow.” The album was released through the singer’s personal imprint, Fish People.
• Speaking to American radio station KCRW, Bush said that the idea for this song came from thinking about the myth that the Inuit Eskimos have 50 words for snow. She then decided to make up increasingly fantastical words herself, and recruited actor and writer Stephen Fry to recite the 50 synonyms. They include such words/phrases as “spangladasha,” “mountain-sob, “blown from Polar fur,” and “shimmer-glisten.”
• Whilst the Inuit did have about as many words for snow as the English (and now a lot less after Bush’s verbal creations for the frozen precipitation), the Sami in Finland have in excess of 50.

.

.

In other stuff

• Cities located on latitude 50 degrees north include Cologne and Frankfurt, Germany; Brussels, Belgium; Maastricht, Netherlands; Portsmouth, Exeter, Plymouth and Brighton & Hove, England; Regina, Saskatchewan, and Kamloops, British Columbia, Canada; Kiev, Ukraine; Prague, Czech Republic; Kraków, Poland; and Kharkov, Ukraine.
• Cities located on longitude 50 degrees west include Assis, São Paulo, Brazil.
• Cities located on longitude 50 degrees east include Dammam, Saudi Arabia; Samara, Russia; and Manama, Bahrain.
• The percentage (50%) equivalent to one half, so that the phrase “fifty-fifty” commonly expresses something divided equally in two; in business this is often denoted as being the ultimate in equal partnership.
• In millimeters, the focal length of the normal lens in 35 mm photography.
• Gold wedding anniversary celebrates 50 years of marriage.
• The Roman numeral for 50 is L.
• A Canadian brand of beer called 50 Ale created in 1950 by Labatt breweries to commemorate 50 years of partnership. It is a popular brand still sold today.
• The speed limit, in kilometers per hour, of Australian roads with unspecified limits.
• Jason and 50 Argonauts sailed on the ship Argo on a quest for the Golden Fleece in Colchis (Black Sea).
• Tineke Hybrid Tea Rose has 50 double broad petals.

.

=============

.

Twenty-Four Thoughts To Get You Through Any Crisis

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 .

Some situations in life or business or whatever call for a bit of creative thinking. “Thinking outside the box” is the trendy phrase that’s used. It means sometimes forgetting a lot of what we have learned or applying it a little differently.

If you ever find yourself in that kind of position some of these thoughts may help.

Enjoy.

 

 

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

 

You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

 

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

 

Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

 

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

 

Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

 

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

 

The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

 

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

 

Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

 

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

 

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

 

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

 

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

 

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

 

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

 

One-seventh of you life is spent on Wednesday.

 

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

 

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

 

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

 

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

 

This is as bad as it can get, but don’t bet on it.

 

Never wrestle with a pig:  You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

 

The trouble with life is, you’re halfway through it before you realize it’s a ‘do it yourself’ thing.

 

=========================

 

 

You Only Get the Right Answers If You Ask the Right Questions

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 .

It’s Tuesday and we have another selection of those questions that are worth asking, but hardly anyone asks. Should we just accept thing the way they are, or should we start to question what is happening around us a little more?

Here we go. Enjoy!

 

 

You know the expression, ‘Don’t quit your day job?’

Well what do you say to people that work nights?

 

 

Why is the ‘0’ on a phone after the ‘1’ and not before the ‘1’?

 

 

If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?

 

 

If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, ‘I wish you would not grant me this wish’ what would you do?

 

 

Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?

 

 

Why doesn’t the armpit hair have split ends?

 

 

Do pyromaniacs like to wear blazers?

 

 

If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

 

 

Why is something funny called a ‘knee-slapper’ when you actually slap your thigh?

 

 

Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then in school have them read about wars that solved problems?

 

 

If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?”

 

 

Why does someone believe you when you say something like, “There are four billion stars,” but check when you say the paint is wet?

 

 

What would happen if Batman got bitten by a vampire?

 

 

Why can’t we spell creativity however we want?

 

 

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?”

 

 

Has your mate ever called you at work to ask where the remote control is?

 

 

Was the person who invented the Express Lane at the grocery store ever properly thanked?

 

 

Why do you seldom if ever see ads for advertising companies?

 

 

Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear?

 

 

Why doesn’t McDonald’s sell hotdogs?

 

===============================

 

More Of Those Questions That Are Well Worth Asking, But Nobody Bothers To Ask

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 .

Well, apparently I was right, last week’s selection of questions that are worth asking, but nobody bothers to ask, weren’t life changing. But some people seemed to like them, so here is another batch for your consideration.

As usual, enjoy.

 

 

What can deaf people use instead of an Alarm Clock?

 

Why are Softballs hard?

 

Why aren’t Blueberry’s blue?

 

Do Butterfly’s make butter?

 

Does the Queen Bee have a King?

 

Can you carry a Kangaroo on your back?

 

Is a gold knife or fork still considered Silverware?

 

Why isn’t Chocolate considered a vegetable if it comes from Cocoa Beans?

 

What happens when you get ‘half scared to death’ twice?

 

Is it true cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

 

If all the world’s a stage, where does the audience sit?

 

Why are the alphabets in the order that they are? Is it because it’s a song?

 

If you write a book about failure, and it doesn’t sell, is it called success?

 

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

 

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

 

Are the good things that come to people who wait, the leftovers of people who went before them?

 

Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?

 

Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

 

Why is Greenland called Greenland, when it’s white and covered with ice?

 

If something ‘goes without saying’, why do people still say it?

 

=================================

 

More Of Those Awkward Moments – Life’s Great Levelers, part three.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

. 

Another selection of those awkward moments we all experience as we journey through life. Some make you laugh, some make you angry, but all of them make you feel a little bit stupider that you really thought you were.

Enjoy.

 

 

That awkward moment when you realize you left the rest room with your dress tucked into your undies.

(Definitely haven’t managed that one yet, but I know someone who has.)

 

 

That awkward moment when you accidentally fart doing sit-ups at the Gym.

(Hey, another gold medal possibility if they make it an Olympic sport. For ‘accidentally’ read ‘inevitably’.)

 

 

That awkward moment when you see someone coming your way after you’ve just farted.

(Why do you think people take dogs with them for walks?)

 

 

That awkward moment when your girlfriend asks you if you love her more than your car.

(There’s only one answer to this one.)

 

 

That awkward moment when you bend down and your pants rip and you’re wearing floral underwear.

(Hello sailor!!!)

 

 

That awkward moment when you get caught in the rain in a cheesecloth dress, and really big underwear.

(I told you I don’t wear dresses, but seen it happen, very funny. Really big underwear, also known to us men folk as, ‘kidney warmers’. Sorry ladies.)

 

 

That awkward moment when someone walks in while you’re changing.

(Can be just as awkward when you walk in on someone else – or not – depending.)

 

 

That awkward moment when you confidently say the wrong answer aloud in class.

(And then try to turn the whole thing into a bad joke.)

 

 

That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes and you slowly put another dish in the sink.

(Just do it with a smile and you’ll be okay. But only do it once.)

 

 

That awkward moment when you are trying to impress someone on the dance-floor but you dance into a pole.

(Prefer to watch other people dance where there are poles.)

 

 

That awkward moment when you think the trash can is a stool.

(So why hasn’t anyone invented a trash can that doubles as a stool – or is that a crap idea?)

 

 

The awkward moment when your friends make plans right in front of you, and the plans don’t include you.

(I can take a hint.)

 

 

That awkward moment when you’re so tired from taking a nap that you feel like to have to take another nap to get over your nap.

(Oh yes, the nap recovery nap nap!)

 

 

That awkward moment when you lose your bikini top in the surf.

(Not a problem for me, but I see the point…er..points??)

 

 

That awkward moment when you are on the beach and someone has told you that your tampon string is hanging out of your bikini.

(What does one do, and where does one do it?)

 

 

That awkward moment when you don’t know where to stand to pull your wedgie out without being noticed.

(Impossible to do without being seen. Impossible to do and still look elegant.)

 

 

That awkward moment when your neighbor starts talking to you while you’re hanging out your underwear.

(Hi there, washing the smalls today?)

 

 

That awkward moment when one heel flies off your high heels on the dance floor.

(It still baffles me why women wear high heels and how they can walk in them – or not, see videos.)

 

High heels fall 1

.

High heels fall 2

 

=================