I Think I’ll Call This One The Vestal Virgin Quiz.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Hello and welcome to the latest fasab quiz.

I’ve called it the “Vestal Virgin Quiz”, you’ll find out why later, but even if you’re not a vestal virgin please feel free to take part.

As usual you can find the answers waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please NO cheating!

Enjoy and good luck.

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Quiz 07

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Q.  1.  What number does the Roman numeral ‘D’ stand for?

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Q.  2. What are the young of Squirrels called?

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Q.  3.  In which country are the Great Bear Lake and Great Slave Lake?

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Q.  4.  This word can mean a card game, a structure spanning a river or other chasm, the place where you usually find a ship’s captain, an artificial replacement of a missing tooth or teeth, or a thin, fixed wedge or support raising the strings of a musical instrument above the sounding board. What is it?

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Q.  5.  What would a galvanometer be used to measure?

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Q.  6.  Whose “Laughable Lyrics” included “The Quangle Wangle’s Hat” and “The Dong with a Luminous Nose” ?

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Q.  7.  What  was the name of the star-packed movie depicting World War II’s ‘Operation Market Garden’, an unsuccessful Allied military operation, fought in the Netherlands and Germany?

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Q.  8.  Which astronomical distance is about 3.26 light years?

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Q.  9.  How many Vestal Virgins served as Priestesses of the goddess Vesta at any one time?

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Q. 10.  Tashkent is the capital of which one of the Asian “stans”?

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Q. 11.  By what name is a meal consisting of sausages and mashed potatoes better known as in the UK?

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Q. 12.  What is the currency used in the Dominican Republic?

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Q. 13.  How many movies did John Wayne star in with the word ‘Rio’ in their title? (A bonus point for each one you can name correctly.)

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Q. 14.  What city is also known as ‘The Little Paris’ ?

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Q. 15.  What sort of structure is DNA?

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Q. 16.  What is the name of the main actress who played ‘Olivia Walton’ (Mammy Walton) in seasons 1 thru 7 of the long running TV series?

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Q. 17. If you multiplied the number in the title of George Orwell’s most famous novel, by the highest number you can score on a dartboard with one dart, and divide that total by the number of nickels in a dollar, what number would you be left with?

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Q. 18.  What is a ‘ziganka’ and what nationality is it? (A point for each correct answer.)

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Q. 19.  ‘General Mariano Escobedo’ and ‘General Abelargo L Rodriguez’ are international airports in which country?

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Q. 20.  What is the surname or last name of the actors who played the ‘Shooter’ and ‘Det. Danny Reagan’ in the TV series ‘Blue Bloods’ ?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1.  What number does the Roman numeral ‘D’ stand for?

A.  1.  500.

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Q.  2. What are the young of Squirrels called?

A.  2. Kittens

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Q.  3.  In which country are the Great Bear Lake and Great Slave Lake?

A.  3.  Canada.

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Q.  4.  This word can mean a card game, a structure spanning a river or other chasm, the place where you usually find a ship’s captain, an artificial replacement of a missing tooth or teeth, or a thin, fixed wedge or support raising the strings of a musical instrument above the sounding board. What is it?

A.  4.  Bridge.

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Q.  5.  What would a galvanometer be used to measure?

A.  5.  Detecting and measuring small electric currents. (electricity).

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Q.  6.  Whose “Laughable Lyrics” included “The Quangle Wangle’s Hat” and “The Dong with a Luminous Nose” ?

A.  6.  Edward Lear.

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Q.  7.  What  was the name of the star-packed movie depicting World War II’s ‘Operation Market Garden’, an unsuccessful Allied military operation, fought in the Netherlands and Germany?

A.  7.  A Bridge Too Far. (The cast included Dirk Bogarde, Ryan O’Neal, James Caan, Michael Caine, Sean Connery, Edward Fox, Elliott Gould, Anthony Hopkins, Gene Hackman, Hardy Krüger, Laurence Olivier, Robert Redford, Maximilian Schell and Liv Ullmann.)

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Q.  8.  Which astronomical distance is about 3.26 light years?

A.  8.  A parsec.

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Q.  9.  How many Vestal Virgins served as Priestesses of the goddess Vesta at any one time?

A.  9.  The correct answer is ‘six’ (although they served along with 6 in training and 6 retired ones as tutors).

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Q. 10.  Tashkent is the capital of which one of the Asian “stans”?

A. 10.  Uzbekistan.

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Q. 11.  By what name is a meal consisting of sausages and mashed potatoes better known as in the UK?

A. 11.  Bangers & Mash.

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Q. 12.  What is the currency used in the Dominican Republic?

A. 12.  It is the Dominican Peso (DOP), although you can have the point if you just said ‘peso’.

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Q. 13.  How many movies did John Wayne star in with the word ‘Rio’ in their title? (A bonus point for each one you can name correctly.)

A. 13.  The correct answer is three (Rio Grande  (1950), Rio Bravo (1959) and Rio Lobo (1970))

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Q. 14.  What city is also known as ‘The Little Paris’ ?

A. 14.  Bucharest.

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Q. 15.  What sort of structure is DNA?

A. 15.  It is known as a ‘double helix’.

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Q. 16.  What is the name of the main actress who played ‘Olivia Walton’ (Mammy Walton) in seasons 1 thru 7 of the long running TV series?

A. 16.  Michael Learned.

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Q. 17. If you multiplied the number in the title of George Orwell’s most famous novel, by the highest number you can score on a dartboard with one dart, and divided that total by the number of nickels in a dollar, what number would you be left with?

A. 17.  5952.  (1984 x 60) = 119040 / 20 = 5952

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Q. 18.  What is a ‘ziganka’ and what nationality is it? (A point for each correct answer.)

A. 18.  A ‘ziganka’ is a Russian country dance.

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Q. 19.  ‘General Mariano Escobedo’ and ‘General Abelargo L Rodriguez’ are international airports in which country?

A. 19.  Mexico (in Monterrey and Tijuana respectively).

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Q. 20.  What is the surname or last name of the actors who played the ‘Shooter’ and ‘Det. Danny Reagan’ in the TV series ‘Blue Bloods’ ?

A. 20.  Walberg, specifically Mark Walberg in ‘Shooter’ and his older brother Donnie Walberg in ‘Blue Bloods’.  

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Final Fasab Quiz For February.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Last quiz for February already.

How are you quizzers doing this year?

Scores don’t matter though, as long as you enjoy doing the quizzes.

Usual format today, general knowledge, geography, history, science, nature and even a little music.

Varying degrees of difficulty, but if you get stuck you can find the answers waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please NO cheating!

Enjoy and good luck.

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Quiz 07

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Q.  1:  What city is known as the ‘Peace Capital’ of the world?

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Q.  2:  What is the only gemstone to be composed of one single element?

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Q.  3:  What type of monkey possesses a blood factor that is shared with humans and was the first type of monkey launched into space?

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Q.  4:  If the ‘DC’ in Washington DC was actually Roman Numerals, what number would it represent?

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Q.  5:  What term is given to a territory which is part of a country but is surrounded by other countries so it is physically separate from the rest of the country?

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Q.  6:  The ‘First Battle of Bull Run’ and the ‘Battle of Edgehill’ were the first battles of which wars? (A point for each correct answer and a bonus point if you answer both correctly.)

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Q.  7:  What is the title of the head of the Church of England?

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Q.  8:  What is the home of a Beaver called?

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Q.  9:  Which famous action painter was nicknamed ‘Jack the Dripper’ ?

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Q. 10:  Orbiting 35,900km above the equator, what term is given to satellites that remain above the same point on the Earth’s surface in their orbit?

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Q. 11:  In which city are the Petronas Towers, formerly the world’s highest building?

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Q. 12:  What name is given to the condition created by too much bile in the bloodstream that causes a distinct yellowing of the skin?

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Q. 13:  What do 1,000 ‘gigabytes’ make?

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Q. 14:  Where was a speed record of 11.2mph set in 1972?

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Q. 15:  Of which republic are ‘English’, ‘Malay’, ‘Mandarin Chinese’ and ‘Tamil’ the four official languages?

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Q. 16:  Which Ray Bradbury novel, also made into a famous movie, opens “It was a pleasure to burn”?

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Q. 17:  The name of the human-like inhabitants of the land of the Houyhnhnms, discovered by Captain Lemuel Gulliver in 1711, has become one of the best known names in the modern business world, what is it?

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Q. 18:  Among other meanings this word as a noun can mean a large wading bird, or a device for lifting and moving heavy weights, and as a verb it can mean to stretch out one’s neck, especially to see better –  what is the word?

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Q. 19:  ‘JAT’ airways is the national carrier of which country?

            a) Switzerland          b) Serbia          c) Senegal          d) Somalia

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Q. 20:  Who sang about an ‘Uptown Girl’ in 1983?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  What city is known as the ‘Peace Capital’ of the world?

A.  1:  Geneva, Switzerland.

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Q.  2:  What is the only gemstone to be composed of one single element?

A.  2:  Diamond.

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Q.  3:  What type of monkey possesses a blood factor that is shared with humans and was the first type of monkey launched into space?

A.  3:  The Rhesus monkey.

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Q.  4:  If the ‘DC’ in Washington DC was actually Roman Numerals, what number would it represent?

A.  4:  DC in Roman Numerals is 600.

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Q.  5:  What term is given to a territory which is part of a country but is surrounded by other countries so it is physically separate from the rest of the country?

A.  5:  An Exclave.

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Q.  6:  The ‘First Battle of Bull Run’ and the ‘Battle of Edgehill’ were the first battles of which wars? (A point for each correct answer and a bonus point if you answer both correctly.)

A.  6:  The American and English Civil Wars respectively.

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Q.  7:  What is the title of the head of the Church of England?

A.  7:  He is called the ‘Archbishop of Canterbury’.

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Q.  8:  What is the home of a Beaver called?

A.  8:  A ‘Lodge’.

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Q.  9:  Which famous action painter was nicknamed ‘Jack the Dripper’ ?

A.  9:  Jackson Pollock.

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Q. 10:  Orbiting 35,900km above the equator, what term is given to satellites that remain above the same point on the Earth’s surface in their orbit?

A. 10:  Geostationary.

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Q. 11:  In which city are the Petronas Towers, formerly the world’s highest building?

A. 11:  Kuala Lumpur.

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Q. 12:  What name is given to the condition created by too much bile in the bloodstream that causes a distinct yellowing of the skin?

A. 12:  Jaundice.

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Q. 13:  What do 1,000 ‘gigabytes’ make?

A. 13:  A ‘Terabyte’.

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Q. 14:  Where was a speed record of 11.2mph set in 1972?

A. 14:  On the Moon (by John Young of Apollo 16 driving the Lunar Rover!)

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Q. 15:  Of which republic are ‘English’, ‘Malay’, ‘Mandarin Chinese’ and ‘Tamil’ the four official languages?

A. 15:  Singapore.

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Q. 16:  Which Ray Bradbury novel, also made into a famous movie, opens “It was a pleasure to burn” ?

A. 16:  Fahrenheit 451.

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Q. 17:  The name of the human-like inhabitants of the land of the Houyhnhnms, discovered by Captain Lemuel Gulliver in 1711, has become one of the best known names in the business world, what is it?

A. 17:  They were called Yahoos.

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Q. 18:  Among other meanings this word as a noun can mean a large wading bird, or a device for lifting and moving heavy weights, and as a verb it can mean to stretch out one’s neck, especially to see better  –  what is the word?

A. 18:  The word is ‘crane’.

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Q. 19:  ‘JAT’ airways is the national carrier of which country?

            a) Switzerland          b) Serbia          c) Senegal          d) Somalia

A. 19:  The correct answer is b) Serbia.

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Q. 20:  Who sang about an ‘Uptown Girl’ in 1983?

A. 20:  Billy Joel.

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Quiz Time Again, Folks.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes folks, it is quiz time again here at the fasab blog.

Last one for October.

So get your thinking caps on and try these questions out.

And as usual, if you get stuck, you can find the answers waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please NO cheating.

Enjoy and good luck.

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quiz host

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Q.  1:  Who was the manager of the Beatles?

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Q.  2:  Approximately what proportion of the Earth’s surface is covered by a) land and b) water

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Q.  3:  What do you get if you divide 50 by half and add 40.

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Q.  4:  Frank Pantridge, born in Hillsborough, County Down, in Northern Ireland was famous for what?

          a) Discovery of the first radio pulsars   

          b) The development of the modern tractor

          c) Creating the ejector seat                          

          d) Introducing CPR to the world

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Q.  5:  What type of insect is a ‘velvet ant’?

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Q.  6:  What is the main ingredient of the dish ‘Welsh Rabbit’?

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Q.  7:  Why are 1968 pennies worth more than 1964 pennies?

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Q.  8:  What number is a hurricane on the Beaufort Scale?

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Q.  9:  From which continent did the guinea pig originate?

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Q. 10:  If  9 = 4,  21 = 9,  22 = 9,  24 = 10,  8 = 5,  7 = 5,  99 = 10,  and  100 = 7,  what do 16 and 17 equal?

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Q. 11:  What is the name of the investment company managed by billionaire Warren Buffet?

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Q. 12:  What does a ‘hippophobic’ fear?

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Q. 13:  ‘Galvanized’ iron or steel is coated with which other metal to help prevent rusting?

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Q. 14:  What is a ‘Natterjack’?

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Q. 15:  ‘Hydrolysis’ is the reaction of a chemical compound with what other compound?

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Q. 16:  What poisonous substance does the cassava root (used to make flour, breads, tapioca, a laundry starch, and an alcoholic beverage) contain?

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Q. 17:  This word is the name of a drink and a machine for separating cotton from its seed, what is it?

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Q. 18:  What is the nautical term for a length of 608 feet?

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Q. 19:  Which precious metal has the symbol ‘Pt’?

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Q. 20:  The size of a man’s foot is approximately the same size as which other body part?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  Who was the manager of the Beatles?

A.  1:  Brian Epstein.

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Q.  2:  Approximately what proportion of the Earth’s surface is covered by a) land and b) water

A.  2:  One third land and two thirds water approximately.

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Q.  3:  What do you get if you divide 50 by half and add 40.

A.  3:  140.

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Q.  4:  Frank Pantridge, born in Hillsborough, County Down, in Northern Ireland was famous for what?

          a) Discovery of the first radio pulsars   

          b) The development of the modern tractor

          c) Creating the ejector seat                            

          d) Introducing CPR to the world

A.  4:  in the correct answer is d) Professor James Francis “Frank” Pantridge, MD, CBE was a physician and cardiologist from Northern Ireland who transformed emergency medicine and paramedic services with the invention of the portable defibrillator.

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Q.  5:  What type of insect is a ‘velvet ant’?

A.  5:  It is a Wasp. (Mutillidae are a family of more than 3,000 species of wasps whose wingless females resemble large, hairy ants.)

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Q.  6:  What is the main ingredient of the dish ‘Welsh Rabbit’?

A.  6:  Cheese (Welsh Rabbit – also called Welsh Rarebit – melted cheese on toast, which was an ironic reference to cheese being a poor man’s meat or rabbit).

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Q.  7:  Why are 1968 pennies worth more than 1964 pennies?  

A.  7:  Because 1968 pennies is $19.68 and 1964 is only $19.64.

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Q.  8:  What number is a hurricane on the Beaufort Scale?

A.  8:  12.

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Q.  9:  From which continent did the guinea pig originate?

A.  9:  South America.

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Q. 10:  If  9 = 4,  21 = 9,  22 = 9,  24 = 10,  8 = 5,  7 = 5,  99 = 10,  and  100 = 7,  what do 16 and 17 equal?

A. 10:  16 = 7 and 17 = 9 [The number of letters in the spelling of 16 (sixteen) is 7 and that of 17 (seventeen) is 9]

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Q. 11:  What is the name of the investment company managed by billionaire Warren Buffet?

A. 11:  It is called ‘Berkshire Hathaway’.

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Q. 12:  What does a ‘hippophobic’ fear?

A. 12:  Horses.

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Q. 13:  ‘Galvanized’ iron or steel is coated with which other metal to help prevent rusting?

A. 13:  Zinc.

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Q. 14:  What is a ‘Natterjack’?

A. 14:  A toad.

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Q. 15:  ‘Hydrolysis’ is the reaction of a chemical compound with what other compound?

A. 15:  Water.

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Q. 16:  What poisonous substance does the cassava root (used to make flour, breads, tapioca, a laundry starch, and an alcoholic beverage) contain?

A. 16:  It contains Cyanide.

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Q. 17:  This word is the name of a drink and a machine for separating cotton from its seed, what is it?

A. 17:  Gin.

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Q. 18:  What is the nautical term for a length of 608 feet?

A. 18:  It is called a ‘cable’.

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Q. 19:  Which precious metal has the symbol ‘Pt’?

A. 19:  Platinum.

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Q. 20:  The size of a man’s foot is approximately the same size as which other body part?

A. 20:  Oh for goodness sake have a bit of sense, it’s his forearm.

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Highlighter Pens Are The Future. Mark My Words!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Mark my words indeed.

It’s Pun Day again.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Know what’s odd?

About every other number.

odd numbers

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When I asked my best friend to be my best man,

he said he was “speechless”.

So I said, “You’re no good, I’ll find someone else”.

Best_man by Martin Stratton

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I always win at Twister.

Hands down.

Nintendo_Twister_26

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On reflection,

vampires aren’t that scary.

Vampire reflection

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I’ve just seen a huge Egyptian woman

sticking her ass out the window of a car.

It was a two-ton car moon.

mooned

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My neighbor Dave has drunk many

weird and wonderful things in his time.

I asked him if he’d ever drunk cologne.

“No,” he replied. “Always with friends.”

cologne

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As they say in France,

one man’s fish

is another man’s poisson.

 

poisson

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Everything is easier said than done.

Except procrastination.

procrastination

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“I’ve got two words for you”

“I can’t count”

can't count

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Upon reaching the peak of Everest with my wife,

we realized that there was only enough oxygen left

for one of us to get back down.

So I did the descent thing…

abseiling

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I recently wrote an essay on the “Communist Manifesto”.

Unfortunately I didn’t really understand the topic,

so I got no Marx.

karl marx

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Calvin Klein were supposed to

be bringing out a new fragrance…

But it was just aroma.

Calvin Klein perfume

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The Sahara Desert walks into a bar

The barman says, “Long time no sea.”

Sahara Desert

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Discovery Channel are releasing a new series about wildlife.

The first program is called “Siamese Ducks”.

It’s a double bill.

double bill

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The wife will go spare when she finds out

I’ve lost her only copy of Beethoven’s Unfinished symphony.

I’ll never hear the end of it.

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Fractions, Food And French Horns – It’s The Fasab Quiz!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, fractions, food, and French Horns are just some of the questions you’ll face if you take this week’s quiz.

A random and challenging assortment, but as usual, if you get stuck, you will find the answers waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below. But please, NO cheating!

Enjoy and good luck.

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quiz 09

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Q.  1:  The name of what American city means “the meadows” in Spanish?

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Q.  2:  How many women now regularly wear shoes with heels higher than one inch to work?

            a)  15%            b)  25%            c)  35%            d)  45%

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Q.  3:  What year was the death penalty abolished in England?

            a)  1959          b)  1969          c)  1979          d)  1989

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Q.  4:  What number lies halfway between 1/3 and 1/5?

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Q.  5:  What was the first nation to give women the right to vote?

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Q.  6:  From what type of creature is ‘Bombay duck’ made?

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Q.  7:  Which country would you be in if you were skiing in the Dolomites?

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Q.  8:  It is the name of a fragrant cosmetic and a city in Germany, what is it?

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Q.  9:  In which country did French horns originate?

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Q. 10:  What acid is associated with muscles in the body experiencing lack of oxygen?

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Q. 11:  In Roman times what was a gladiator armed with, in addition to a dagger and spear?

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Q. 12:  From which plant do we get ‘Vanilla’?

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Q. 13:  What is ‘Hansen’s disease’ more commonly known as?

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Q. 14:  What was the name of the political system in South Africa from 1948 to 1994?

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Q. 15:  ‘Wild Marjoram’ is another name for which commonly used herb?

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Q. 16:  How deep is one fathom of water?

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Q. 17:  How many different letters are used in Roman numerals and what are their values? (A point for each part of the question correctly answered.)

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Q. 18:  What common mineral is used to make casts, moulds, blackboard chalk and plaster of Paris?

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Q. 19:  What extinct creature got its name from the Portuguese word for stupid? (Hint: the answer is not Congressman.)

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Q. 20:  Who created the cartoon characters “The Simpsons”?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  The name of what American city means “the meadows” in Spanish?

A.  1:  Las Vegas.

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Q.  2:  How many women now regularly wear shoes with heels higher than one inch to work?

            a)  15%            b)  25%            c)  35%            d)  45%

A.  2:  The correct answer is b)  25%.

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Q.  3:  What year was the death penalty abolished in England?

            a)  1959          b)  1969          c)  1979          d)  1989

A.  3:  The correct answer is b) 1969.

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Q.  4:  What number lies halfway between 1/3 and 1/5?

A.  4:  4/15ths

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Q.  5:  What was the first nation to give women the right to vote?

A.  5:  New Zealand, in 1893.

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Q.  6:  From what type of creature is ‘Bombay duck’ made?

A.  6:  Fish (specifically a Bummalo fish).

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Q.  7:  Which country would you be in if you were skiing in the Dolomites?

A.  7:  Italy.

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Q.  8:  It is the name of a fragrant cosmetic and a city in Germany, what is it?

A.  8:  Cologne.

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Q.  9:  In which country did French horns originate?

A.  9:  Germany.

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Q. 10:  What acid is associated with muscles in the body experiencing lack of oxygen?

A. 10:  Lactic acid.

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Q. 11:  In Roman times what was a gladiator armed with, in addition to a dagger and spear?

A. 11:  A net.

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Q. 12:  From which plant do we get ‘Vanilla’?

A. 12:  The Orchid.

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Q. 13:  What is ‘Hansen’s disease’ more commonly known as?

A. 13:  Leprosy.

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Q. 14:  What was the name of the political system in South Africa from 1948 to 1994?

A. 14:  Apartheid.

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Q. 15:  ‘Wild Marjoram’ is another name for which commonly used herb?

A. 15:  Oregano.

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Q. 16:  How deep is one fathom of water?

A. 16:  1.82 Meters or 6 feet.

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Q. 17:  How many different letters are used in Roman numerals and what are their values? (A point for each part of the question correctly answered.)

A. 17:  Seven or VII   (They are,  I = 1, V = 5, X = 10, L = 50, C = 100, D = 500, M = 1000)

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Q. 18:  What common mineral is used to make casts, moulds, blackboard chalk and plaster of Paris?

A. 18:  Gypsum.

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Q. 19:  What extinct creature got its name from the Portuguese word for stupid? (Hint: the answer is not Congressman.)

A. 19:  The Dodo.

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Q. 20:  Who created the cartoon characters “The Simpsons”?

A. 20:  Matt Groening. Thanks Matt. 

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I’ve Always Found That The Letter ‘N’ Divides Opinion

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There’s no getting away from it, the letter ‘n’ does divide opinion.

And so too does that little word play device called the Pun.

For those who like them and for those who like to hate them here is another selection.

Enjoy or Endure!

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rofl

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Getting a job repairing revolving doors

was a real turning point in my life.

Revolving door overhaul and repair

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I have a friend who is ambidextrous illiterate…

He can’t write anything with both hands.

illiterate

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My wife asked me “Would you say that I was likeable?”

I said “No love, bulls are male. You’re like a cow.”

 

cow

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What is Stephen Hawking’s favourite cream?

sQWERTY.

Stephen Hawking keyboard

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I’ve never asked a rhetorical question.

How cool is that?

RhetoricalQuestionsOnly

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I once got asked to do a sketch of

an old gameshow host dressed up as a Charlies Angel.

I drew Barrymore.

drew Barrymore

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There’s a gang going through our town,

systematically shoplifting clothes in size order…

The police believe they’re still at large.

clothes in size order

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I know a guy who has one eye bigger than the other.

His name is Iain.

forest-whitaker-one eye bigger than the other

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A recent study proved that I shouldn’t try

to add unnecessary rooms to my house.

study-room-design-ideas

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There is a remote tribe

that worships the number Zero.

Is nothing sacred?

number Zero

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What cheese do you use

to disguise horse meat?

Mascarpone.

Mascarpone

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Yesterday, a Lumberjack slipped

and cut into his leg with a chainsaw.

He lost a lot of blood, but although

they managed to stem the flow,

paramedics say he is still not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjacks

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I’m not afraid of flying.

I am, however, afraid of being 35,000 feet

in the air and suddenly “not” flying.

fear-of-flying

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I don’t know what the fascination is with strip clubs.

It’s just the same old thong and dance.

thong and dance

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Elton John has got so fat recently, he is having

to have his trousers specially made for him,

He’s had to say goodbye normal jeans…

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I’m Starting A One-Man Band – Email Me If You’re Interested.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Welcome to the last Pun Day….

Of this July that is, I hope you didn’t get your hopes up too high.

Anyway here are the latest offerings.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

 

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This nice weather doesn’t fool me one bit.

It’s just a front.

warm front

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What do you call a couple

who go fishing together?

Rod and Annette.

Rod and Annette

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I hate jokes about Vietnam.

They really Hanoi me.

Hanoi map

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My new book about Poltergeists

is flying off the shelves.

Poltergeists

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I was touched by my Granddad

when I was a little boy.

His tear jerking tales of world war two

were simply heartbreaking.

Granddad

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I was telling the police officer

how local youths had thrown

a milk bottle at me and just missed.

He asked, “Skimmed past your face?”

I replied, “No, full fat over my shoulder.” 

milk

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‘My post box’

has got nine letters in it.

australia post box

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I told my fiancee and friends that I wanted

to racially segregate our wedding.

They didn’t really warm to it.

I was met with a mixed reception.

wedding reception

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Age isn’t

“just a number”

– it’s quite clearly a word

age

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People who confuse

the metaphorical and the factual

make my head literally explode.

head literally explode

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My girlfriend was disappointed when

I bought her New York flights for her birthday.

But not as disappointed as I was when

I found out she didn’t even play darts.

darts New York flights

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I’ve just stolen loads of swimming inflatables.

I’d better lilo.   

lilo

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I went to see my new doctor this morning about my piles.

He told me to drop my trousers and pants and bend over.

As I pulled my cheeks apart, he said,

“I’m going to need your whole name.”

I said, “I just call it my asshole.”

man with trousera down

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Gordon Ramsay reminds me of a newspaper.

Only with more headlines.

Gordon Ramsay headlines

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Time traveller’s convention next June.

I’m there.

Time traveller's convention

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