Ants In Your Pants? There’s Plenty Of ‘Em!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Hi and welcome to fact day which does, as the title suggests, include an amazing fact about the number of ants ib the world. They may not be in your pants, but keep a look out just in case!

And now for the facts.

Enjoy.

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did you know2

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Halloween, which we’ve all just endured another year,

is thought to have originated around 4000 B.C.,

which means Halloween has been around for over 6,000 years

and is one of the oldest celebrations in the world.

happy halloween

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Most vegetables and almost all fruits contain

a small amount of alcohol in them.

Cheers!

vegetables

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Some scientific studies suggest there are about

10,000,000,000,000,000 individual ants

alive on Earth at any given time.

Ants are estimated to represent about 15–20%

of the total terrestrial animal biomass,

which exceeds that of the vertebrates.

Ant from_a_bugs_life

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When Pluto was discovered it was initially

believed to be larger than Earth.

Now astronomers know that it’s about

1,455 miles (2,352 kilometers) across,

less than 20 percent as big as the Earth.

planets in our solar system smaller than earth

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Thomas Stewart Armistead was a Confederate officer

who fought bravely in the American Civil War.

After being wounded at the Battle of the Wilderness he

was captured and placed in a camp near Morris Island

where the Union authorities used him as a human

shield to prevent fire from nearby Confederate artillery batteries.

Thomas Stewart Armistead and 599 other Confederate officers

who had also been captured became known as “The Immortal 600.”

When, on November 16, 1922, Armistead died at the age of 80 he

was the last survivor and member of “The Immortal 600.”

Thomas Stewart Armistead

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The American football team the Baltimore Ravens are named

in honor of Edgar Allan Poe’s classic poem ‘The Raven’.

Baltimore_Ravens_logo

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The construction of the Great Wall of China took over 2 thousands years,

the very first parts being built as early as in the 8th century BC.

Great Wall of China

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Table for one, sir?

Amsterdam´s restaurant At Eenmaal,

founded by social designer Marina van Goor,

has become famous because the only type of table

that you can find in the restaurant is a table for one.

restaurant At Eenmaal

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The largest thermometer in the world is 134-feet-tall (40.843m)

and was built by businessman Willis Herron in Baker, California.

The thermometer is supposed to serve as a memento of

the highest recorded temperature in the U.S.

measured in nearby Death Valley

– 134 degrees Fahrenheit (56.6 Celsius) in 1913.

The thermometer is no longer in operation,

and was put up for sale in January 2013.

largest thermometer in the world

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In 410 A.D. Alaric the Visigoth demanded that Rome give

him three thousand pounds of pepper as ransom,

an amount not to be sneezed at.

Alaric the Visigoth

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Abu Nasr Isma’il ibn Hammad al-Jawhari was an author of

a notable Arabic dictionary containing about 40,000 entries.

He is also remembered in Arabic history for

his attempt to fly with wooden wings.

He leapt from the roof of a mosque in the old town of Nishapur,

whereupon gravity took control and

he promptly hit the ground and was killed.

Abu Nasr Isma'il ibn Hammad al-Jawhari

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If you spray an antiseptic spray on a polar bear,

its fur will turn purple.

I wonder who got close enough to find that one out?

antiseptic spray on a polar bear

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The Japanese Empire was the largest maritime empire in history,

spanning more than 7 million square kilometers and gained such

notoriety that it took atomic bombings in Hiroshima and Nagasaki

plus plenty of other battles to defeat it.

Japanese Empire

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The movie that grossed the most money that was

adapted from a T.V. cartoon is Scooby-Doo

scooby-doo

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Quite often when a book is made into a movie a lot of things get changed.

Sometimes this spoils the story for those who have read the book,

other times it can improve it.

In Robert Bloch’s novel  the main character ‘Norman Bates’

was short, fat, older, and very dislikable.

In Alfred Hitchcock’s movie version, however,

he was young, handsome, and sympathetic, and one

of the most well-known characters in film history.

Here are a couple of clips….

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Is It Just Me, Or Are There Any Other Anagrams Of Em?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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No, it’s not just me.

Loads of people like puns and pun day.

Here’s another one.

Enjoy!

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rofl

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If you’re fishing for compliments

it’s best to use allure.

fishing for compliments

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I just pitched a tent in the garden.

Surprised myself how far I could throw it.

tent--colored-cartoon-illustration

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I was telling a friend that I made a

ventriloquist’s dummy out of some old carpet.

“Any good?” he queried.

“Nah, it’s ruggish,” I replied.

ventriloquist's dummy

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I was stunned to find my Taser gun was still switched on.

Taser-Gun

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I shouldn’t have dumped my girlfriend after

overhearing her making fun of my poor endowment.

Turned out she was a financial adviser

endowment

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I’ve been using X and Y chromosomes in my

adverts recently since, after all, sex cells…

X and Y chromosomes

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Last night I looked up at the stars and thought:

“It’s crap being a dwarf in Hollywood.”

grumpy dwarf

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When I was young, I used to think CCTV was

a very positive Spanish television channel.

cctv4

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I’ve got an injured extraterrestrial in my shed.

He’s missing an eye.

I’ve called him Alen.

one eyed alien

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My dog’s been sitting in the corner, feeling

sorry for himself, for three days.

I knew I shouldn’t have bought a Pitiful Terrier

scared-dog

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I saw a headline in the local paper:

“Huge Grant Saves Derelict Theatre”.

I thought: That was nice of him.

hugh grant

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I’m a doctor. My wife’s a judge.

She knows how to try my patients.

judge-with-gavel

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My missus says she is leaving me because of my obsession with pool.

“Come on love”, I said. “Give me a break”.

pool break

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I thought I’d dug up an unknown species

of dinosaur in my back garden.

Excitedly I phoned the Natural History Museum,

but it turned out to be a fossil arm.

fossil

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I’ve taken thousands of showers over the years.

Never been caught once.

shower-cartoon

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A friend asked me if I knew any words that could describe relief.

I told him I know a phew

phew

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I bought a new thesaurus today.

It’s nothing to write house about.

thesaurus

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I went for a colonic irrigation today,

then got hit with a huge $659 bill.

It really cleaned me out.

colonic-irrigation

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I phoned up the incontinence hotline today and

the lady on the other end asked where I’m ringing from.

I said, “From the waist down.”

incontinence hot line

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What do Mexican Robots Eat?

Silicon-Carne

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I Used To Be Quite Good At Wordplay. Once A Pun A Time!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Once a pun a time there was a blog that championed that element of humor called word play. You are about to read the latest batch of these puns right now.

So all that remains to be said is, enjoy!

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I walked into the boss’s office and handed him a pear.

“What’s this for?” He asked.

“A pay rise.” I replied.

“My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you.”

grow-a-pear

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The other day a friend of mine hit me with a chocolate bar.

How dairy!

cadbury-dairy-milk

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HMV to close sixty stores.

Is this the Vinyl Countdown?

cadbury-dairy-milk

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I won £10,000 on a scratchcard last week and the wife said

we should draw up a list of what to spend it on.

“Well, I’m going to book a holiday for one.”

“Oh goody” she screamed excitedly, “I can’t wait!”

Can’t help thinking she’s misunderstood what I said.

single-vacation

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I was reading through the ingredients for

a fruit salad I’m making today and it said:

“Pineapples: five cubed.”

I’m not sure though,

125 will probably be too many.

5 cubed

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My friend has no hands.

I feel for him.

no hands

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When I was young, my mum always used to hit me with the telephone.

I was always on the receiving end…..

telephone-cartoon

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My calculator is missing the minus button,

but on the plus side, it still works.

calculator

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A gay guy asked me if I liked to blow people.

I told him I’m not a fan.

cartoons-fan

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I just hired a really uncomfortable car.

It Hertz like hell.

hertz

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I said to my friend, “I just watched that film about the Nazis.”

He said, “Oh what, the one with Adolf in?”

I said, “No mate, you’re thinking of ‘Flipper’, this was just about the Nazis.”

flipper

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I went house hunting at the weekend.

I went to see one house that had mirrors all over the walls.

I thought, “I can see myself living here.”

mirror walls

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I told my Chinese friend that I bought very cheap cigarettes

that were shipped in from a foreign country.

He said, “Is that Regal?”

regal cigarettes

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Why shouldn’t you buy Ukrainian underpants?

Because Chernobyl fallout.

ukraine_viktoryanukovych

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I was walking into my local pub,

when I suddenly realized it was darts night.

So I did a 180 and left.

darts 180

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Our Brazilian housekeeper is rubbish at making the beds.

She’s very tidy downstairs though.            

brazilian

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There was an unbelievably close finish

in this years “Shemale of the year” contest.

It was a Thai.        

thai

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Everyone can put on their curriculum vitae

that they know a little Latin.

logo CV

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I’ve got a fear of two-letter words.

I get scared just thinking about it.

Scary

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I turned to my wife last night and said,

“I’m into anal”.

She gave me a look of despair and glared at me as she said,

“Animal”.

I love it when we do the cryptic crossword together.

cryptic crossword

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The Primary Responsibility For A Child’s Education Is Apparent.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, that’s right, The primary responsibility for a child’s education is apparent.

But everyone’s education would not be complete without a healthy dose of puns.

Always here to help, here’s today’s selection.

Enjoy!

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I went into a fancy dress shop and asked the woman

working there if they had any ghost costumes.

She said “We don’t sell those, I’m afraid.”

Stupid woman. They’re not that scary.

ghost-towel

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ABC NEWS:

French Chef commits suicide after critic’s attack.

After further investigation it turns out

he simply lost the huile d’olive.

huile-d-olive

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I went to a really posh school.

In fact, the school was so posh that the Gym was called James.

gym cartoon

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I have a friend who’s half Indian.

Ian.

half indian

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Cleavage is the only thing that you can look down on

and approve of at the same time.

cleavage

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My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.

She said, “I’m sick of it. You actually believe that you’re a Transformer.

It’s stupid. I’ve had enough and I’m leaving you.”

I said, “But, Baby, I can change.”

She said, “There you go again!”

Transformer

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I put a couple of ‘t’s in my beer last night.

I think it made it better.

BeerBetter

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Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?

air and space museum

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I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my bedroom.

You know, to make it more classy.

school desk

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I was only young when I learned to count.

It was odd at first, even then.

cartoon-numbers-set

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In a cave, I found pictures of women’s breasts,

but when I picked them up, a giant net fell on me.

Damn booby trap.

booby_traps_by_vmv_81-d3ickn1

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I make £1,000,000 a month cleaning Windows.

I invented Norton Anti-virus.

Norton

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My parents gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday yesterday.

I couldn’t find the words to thank them.

dictionary

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I never let my children watch big band performances on TV.

Too much sax and violins.

sax_and_violins

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There’s one thing I can’t stand when I’m drunk.

Up!

drunk

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Einstein eventually developed a theory about space.

And it was about time too.

albert_einstein_328565

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I’m so broke at the moment that all I can

afford to eat are herbs my mate has lent me.

I’m living on borrowed thyme.

thyme

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I’ve just seen a group on Facebook called, ‘I hate feet’.

Obviously these people are fans of the metric system.

metric-system-copyright-Allan-Inman

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Talking to her about computer hardware,

makes my mother board.

motherboard

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My wife has packed her bags and gone –

just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I’m feeling cannelloni right now.

pasta

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Say What You Want, You Really Like ‘Em

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, some of you pretend not to, but come on, admit it, I know you really like these awful jokes dressed up as puns and word plays.

Here’s another lot for you to pretend to hate!

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Bill used to date an English teacher, but she dumped him.

She didn’t approve of his improper use of the colon.

Colon

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What’s better than seeing a woman wrestle?

Seeing her box.

Two Wrestling Women

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I had an appointment at the sperm bank today, but I had to call up to say I couldn’t come.

sperm bank

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I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

homeless-condo

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I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like, 0mg!

omg

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My girlfriend just said to me, “Did you know, butterflies only live for two days?”

I said, “Honey, I think that’s a myth.”

She said, “No, it’s definitely a butterfly.”

cartoon_butterfly

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I think jokes about fat people are horrible.

Don’t you think they have enough on their plate?

I beat anorexia

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I shot someone with a starting gun.

I’ve been charged with race crimes

starting pistol

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I got an e-mail saying ‘At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!’

I thought, “That’s just spam.”

spam

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Capitalization is the difference between

“I helped my uncle Jack off a horse,”

and

“I helped my uncle jack off a horse.”

capitalization

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Call it a hunch, but I’m pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.

hunch-back

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My brother came out of the closet today.

I knew I should have used a better lock.

out of the closet

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The other day I saw a man playing Dancing Queen on the Didgeridoo.

I thought, that’s Aboriginal.

Abba cartoon

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