Cashiers Are Always Checking Me Out.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And now it’s time for you to check out this week’s selection of word plays.

Yes, it’s Pun Day.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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If you believe binoculars are overrated

then look no further.

binoculars

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I hate it when I run out of Staples.

So do their security guards. 

Staples

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Dying cats pink, what’s next?

A Navy Seal?

pink-cat

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I spent most of last night in jail.

Try as I might, I just couldn’t roll a double.

go-to-jail-monopoly

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I missed my bus this morning.

I really shouldn’t get so sentimental about public transport.

Public Transport - Bus

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I’ve been asked out by a number of sexy women this week.

That number is sadly zero.

zero

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A young man called directory assistance.

“Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number

for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona.”

“There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix,”

the operator replied. “Do you have a street name?”

The young man hesitated, and then said,

“Well, most people call me E Z.” 

Best-Street-Name-af

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When James Bond is out of his home country

of England, is he known as +44 07?

shoe_phone

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I saw a sign in a shop- ‘Mosquito nets £10’

I didn’t even know bugs could play the lottery.

Mosquito nets

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I told my mate that, in order to get laid,

I’d promised my girlfriend that

I’d marry her in the summer.

He said, “July?”

I said, “Of course I did.”

red-white-blue-july-1

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I once went out with a girl with

fiery red hair and a pale thin body.

I met her on Match.com

Match.com_logo

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I fell asleep whilst rafting the other day.

I just drifted off.

rafting

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My wife has rather annoyingly replaced all

the lightbulbs in the house with energy efficient ones.

I’ll never see her in the same light again.

energy efficient light bulbs

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It was my anniversary last week.

My girlfriend asked me if I wanted

oral sex or a new pair of shoes…

I went head over heels. 

head over heels

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I’ve just watched a fantastic

movie with a twist at the end…

Oliver.

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I Can’t Stand X-Rays. They Go Right Through Me.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Some people feel the same way about puns.

I hope that doesn’t include you though.

So here are some more to….

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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I didn’t know how to spell “plagiarized”

so I copied and pasted it.

copy and paste

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A foreign lady at the market held

two pineapples up to me yesterday and said

“I give you two for one sir”.

It seemed like a fair swap, but unfortunately

I didn’t have a pineapple on me.

pineapples

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I got a luxury prize for using the correct

punctuation mark to denote ownership.

It was a posh trophy.

Apostrophe

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Whenever I go on a long country ramble,

I always take a good reliable compass with me.

You just never know when you might need to draw a circle.

compass

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Postman knocked on my door the other day and asked,

“Is this letter for you? The name is smudged.”

I said, “No, It’s not for me, my name’s Smith.”

Postman-Pat

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Went to a funfair the other day and saw that

the sign advertising it was missing the first F.

That’s just unfair.

Unfair

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A new book out today:

the Korean canine training manual

50 Ways to Wok your Dog

cook-with-a-wok

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“But, Holmes, what kind of rock could be formed

by deposition and consolidation of mineral and organic material

and from the precipitation of minerals from a solution?”

“Sedimentary, my dear Watson.”

Sedimentary, my dear Watson

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I tried to order some tennis balls

off the internet last night

but the site kept crashing.

Must be having problems with their server.

tennis ball

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A new Muslim version of Playboy is being published.

The model for the centerfold has just been unveiled.

Sila Sahin first Muslim to pose for Playboy

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I was going to make a herb garden the other day,

but I just haven’t got the thyme.

Indoor-Herb-Garden

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I failed Geography at school.

I couldn’t find the exam room

exam room

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Have you noticed that prison walls

are never built to scale.

prison walls

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I was on holiday in Spain when a friend  phoned me.

“How’s the hotel?” he asked.

“Well, I can’t complain, “ I replied.

“Oh, that’s good then,” he said.

I said, “No, it’s terrible! I just don’t speak the lingo.”

no hablo espanol

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A guy is climbing to the top of Mount Everest.

He has two steps to go when one of them notices

the heel on his right shoe is a little loose,

yet he decides to continue.

At the next step, the heel comes off and

the guy goes tumbling down the mountain.

As he goes by, he passes a couple of climbers.

First climber: Think we should help him?

Second climber: No, as he was going down

I heard him singing

“You picked a fine time to leave me, loose heel.”

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I See Boomerangs Are Making A Comeback.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It’s not only boomerangs that are making a comeback  –  so are puns!

And I continue to do my little bit here on the fasab blog to help them.

So read on and enjoy!

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Any time I get something stuck in my throat,

I just dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager.

It’s called the Heineken Maneuver.

pun heineken manoeuver

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I saw a sign on the road while driving today that said,

Survey crew ahead.

I did. They looked okay.

pun survey_crew_ahead_sign

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Me and my friends played a football match against a load of Marines yesterday.

At half time they brought on a Chinese bloke.

I thought to myself, he’s a yellow sub marine.

pun yellow_sub-marine

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Ever since I filled up my Zippo

I haven’t been able to lift it out of my pocket.

I think I need some lighter fluid.

pun zippo

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A girl winked at me across the room in Maths class today;

I think it was a sine…

pun math

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I’m the kinda guy who,

when asked to spell something over the phone,

says ‘G….for gnome’ just to throw them.

pun gnome-04

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My friend once decided to stick an arrow in the ground.

I couldn’t see the point.

pun arrow

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Whenever I write a letter to someone,

I add a footnote briefly explaining Ohm’s law.

It’s my P.S. de resistance.

pun Ohm's Law

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I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

pun little-red-riding-hood-3

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I’m just a farmer’s laborer,

but when girls ask what I do,

I find ‘Farm assist’ sounds better.

pun farm assist

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I told a girl she drew her eyebrows on too high.

She looked pretty surprised.

pun girl looking surprised

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I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,

or is that just bollocks?

pun touching boobs

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I was arguing with my girlfriend in Pizza Hut the other day

when my best friend came over, grabbed the garlic bread

and coleslaw from our table and ran off.

I wish he would stop taking sides.

pun pizza hut

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I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call.

Next morning, she rang and said,

“what are you doing with your life?”

pun robert-mankoff-this-is-your-wake-up-call-change-or-die-new-yorker-cartoon

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I used to be really good at reading braille.

But I lost my touch.

pun  reading braille

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Just got myself a new Czech girlfriend,

but it’s taken her 5 days to hoover the house.

Turns out she’s a Slovak.

pun slovakia

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My local gas station had a letter stolen from its sign last night.

Not to worry though, the company’s sending out an Esso S.

pun esso

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The day that Microsoft creates a product that doesn’t suck

is the day that they venture into the vacuum cleaner industry.

pun The-only-Microsoft-product-that-doesnt-suck-Microsoft-Vacuum-Cleaner

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When a bomb passes its sell by date, does it go off?

pun dynamite-bundle-md

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If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear,

would Greece help?

pun turkey

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Lost In Translation Too!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Last Saturday I talked about the movie ‘Lost in Translation’ and how trying to communicate in a language that you don’t understand can have comic consequences.

I have had a few dodgy experiences using things like Google translator or Bing’s verson or even Bable Fish, but thankfully none quite as bad as this next bunch of signs.

Enjoy.

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signfail12

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signfail13

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signfail14

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signfail15

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signfail16

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signfail17

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signfail18

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signfail19

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signfail20

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signfail21

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All of which goes to prove that it is easier to get the

message across using symbols instead of words!

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internationalmarriagesymbol.

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Lost In Translation

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There was a movie a few years ago called ‘Lost In Translation’ starring Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson. It was about a jaded film star and a neglected wife who form an unlikely bond after meeting in a hotel in Tokyo, with the problem of translation between English and Japanese forming a sub theme.

It wasn’t a movie to everyone’s taste, but if you haven’t seen it definitely worth a look. It was nominated for four Academy Awards, including Best Picture, Best Actor for Bill Murray, and Best Director for Sofia Coppola, with Coppola winning for Best Original Screenplay. Scarlett Johansson won a BAFTA award for Best Actress in a Leading Role.

All that is by way of introduction to today’s post which is also about how the real meaning of what you try to say can sometimes be lost in translation.

The following signs are good examples that illustrate the point and hopefully amuse.

Enjoy.

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 signfail1

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signfail2

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signfail3

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signfail4

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signfail5

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signfail6

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signfail7

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signfail8

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signfail9

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signfail10

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signfail11

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Perfectly Timed Photos, Part Five

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Welcome to another weekend and the final selection of perfectly timed photographs.

Since this is the last in this short series I am going to let the animals have the final word, or the final look might be more accurate.

Below is a mixture of domesticated and wild animals all caught on camera at exactly the right moment in time to produce fascinating and sometimes very funny pictures.

Hope you enjoy this final (for the moment) selection.

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ptp They Fly

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perfectly-timed-photos-part2-11

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Wheres-Waldo

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Three Headed Giraffe

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not a sausage

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dogbrick

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in jail

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invisible dog

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ambition

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dog flap

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toleration

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dear me

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clever dog

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puppy pig

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show me

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whats going on

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donkey smile

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Kung-Fu-Frog-Batam-Island-Indonesia

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slippery

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Signs That All Is Not Well

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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If you run a business, especially one that involves selling to the public, then the one thing you really want is a memorable stand out sign to advertise your location.

But… and it’s a big BUT.. you want them to be memorable and stand out for the right reasons.

How do you think this lot did?

Enjoy.

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bizsigns10

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bizsigns11

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bizsigns09

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bizsigns08

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bizsigns07

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bizsigns06

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bizsigns05

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bizsigns04

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bizsigns03

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bizsigns02

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bizsigns01

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