Gullibility test kit – send $19.99 now!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Gullible or not now is your chance to look at this week’s selection of word plays, better known as puns.

As usual they come with choice….

Enjoy or endure!!

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I have four problems in life:

counting,

remembering

and counting.

 

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I was driving along the other day,

when a bloke stopped me and said,

“Your back mud flaps have fallen off.”

I said, “Can’t do much about it now,

I’ll just carry on rear guard less.”

 

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Stable relationships

are for horses

 

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My friend told me that after years of doubt,

he is now convinced my wife is having an affair.

“We’ve gone and moved 250 miles away,” he told me.

“And we’ve still got the same window cleaner.”

 

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It’s times like these, when I’m sat

in bed with my computer on my knee,

that I really wish I’d bought a laptop.

 

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I think I may have a shower.

Just checked, yes I do, it’s upstairs.

 

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I just found $20 hanging from my ceiling.

It was a suicide note.

 

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Exaggerations went up

by a million percent last year.

 

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If Einstein hadn’t come up with

the Theory of Relativity,

someone else would have.

It was only a matter of time.

 

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My cat is absolutely terrified

of thunder and lightening.

The pussy.

 

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What part of my body is as long as your thigh,

contains over 120 muscles,

and is an anagram of “pensi”?

No, you’re completely wrong.

The correct answer is my spine.

 

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According to my facebook timeline,

I had no life before joining Facebook in 2012.

I believe it to be the other way around.

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Further Fun Facts For January.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another round of fun facts, not just for January, but for whenever you feel like it really.

As random a mixture as ever.

Enjoy.

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Las Vegas casinos don’t have any clocks in

them because the owners prefer that

players lose track of time and keep gambling.

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Clear Coca-Cola was created for the USSR in the 1940s

because Coca-Cola was regarded in the Soviet Union

as a symbol of American imperialism.

A chemist satisfied the request by removing

the soda’s caramel color and the company

put the drink in a clear bottle with a white cap

and a red star and sent 50 cases to Russia.

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Dogs can be trained to detect

the scent of lung cancer

long before symptoms develop.

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This image of what appears to be

a humanoid on the Moon

is believed to be an optical illusion

created by a rock formation’s shadow.

Certainly not proof of alien life,

or is it!

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Liam Neeson was once offered

the role of James Bond,

as were Clint Eastwood and Burt Reynolds,

but they all turned it down.

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The three pyramids in Giza Necropolis

are the most famous Egyptian pyramids

but in fact, as many as about 140 pyramids

in total have been discovered in Ancient Egypt.

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In October 2006,

Google bought YouTube for $1.65 billion in stocks,

only eighteen months after it was created.

The three founders received big rewards,

Jawed Karim getting $66 million in Google stock,

Steven Chen $310 million,

and Chad Hurley $334 million.

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A Japanese survivor from the Titanic disaster

was shamed when he returned to Japan,

he was told he should have gone down with the ship.

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The term ‘Make the grade’ originates from

the world of railroad construction

in nineteenth-century America.

The word ‘grade’ is short for ‘gradient’

as calculations had to be carefully made

to ensure engines did not encounter

sudden steep gradients.

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The polar bear is the only bear species

that does not hibernate;

they are active all year round.

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Coffee can cause muscle contractions

along the final part of your intestine,

which can jumpstart your need to use the restroom.

This happens to about 50% of people that drink coffee.

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Every day, the heart creates enough energy

to drive a truck 20 miles.

In a lifetime, that is equivalent

to driving to the moon and back.

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J K Rowling’s publisher suggested

she use initials rather than her real name,

‘Joanne Rowling’,

in order to appeal to male readers.

She chose ‘J.K.’ borrowing the ‘K’ from

her grandmother’s name, Kathleen,

although neither ‘Kathleen’ nor ‘K’

are part of her legal name.

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Marilyn Monroe had a bigger IQ than Albert Einstein.

Monroe’s IQ was 163, 3 points higher than Einstein.

She also had bigger … never mind …

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The Beatles song “Dear Prudence” was written

about Mia Farrow’s sister, Prudence,

when she wouldn’t come out and play

with Mia and the Beatles at

a religious retreat in India.

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= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

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Did You Know? – I Didn’t.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, I have to admit that many of the facts that I use on these posts are just as big a surprise to me as they possibly are to you.

But I hope interesting, as well.

Here is the latest batch from the archives.

Enjoy.

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There are 13 ways to spell

the “o” sound in French

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There is a planet called HD189733b

where it rains glass sideways.

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The language of the Native American Zuni tribe

has resemblances to Japanese.

Subsequent research confirmed

biological similarities between the groups.

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For a long time the world believed Troy to be a mythical city

and the Trojan War to be little more than legend,

until Heinrich Schliemann discovered the actual remains of the city.

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Despite the common myth that large brains equal more intelligence,

people like Einstein actually had a smaller brain

(only difference is, he used his!)

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Vikings didn’t have horns on their helmets.

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A man  named James Boole survived a fall of 6,000 feet

without a parachute with only a broken back and ribs.

It is estimated that when Boole hit the ground,

he was falling at about 100 kilometers per hour.

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There is no such thing as a banana tree,

bananas grow on a banana plant.

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Nuclear rain from the Chernobyl disaster

fell as far away as Ireland

where sheep farmers were banned from

selling their animals for human consumption for a time.

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For years Big Pharma made $millions off selling people

anti-stress drugs to cure their ulcers,

until an Australian scientist proved the ulcers

were quite often caused by bacteria and were easily curable.

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Fourteen of the original rides from

Disneyland’s 1955 opening are still in operation.

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Nice comes from a Latin word meaning “ignorant”.

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Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body

could cover about one square inch.

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When Robert Williams tried to retrieve

a faulty part at a Ford Motor’s casting plant,

the malfunctioning machine reactivated

and its arm slammed into his head, killing him instantly.

He is the first man in history to have been killed by a robot.

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In one of the stupidest decision

in the history of the music industry,

Decca Records turned down the Beatles

because they “weren’t sellable”.

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Fun Fact File Day!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, welcome to another fun fact file day when the fasab archives are opened up to reveal a startling array of random facts that you probably didn’t know and didn’t need to.

But here they are anyhow.

I hope you enjoy.

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During your lifetime,

you will eat about 60,000 pounds of food,

that’s the weight of about 6 elephants.

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Einstein couldn’t speak fluently when he was nine.

His parents thought he might be retarded.

But he turned out to be relatively smart!

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Gilligan of Gilligan’s Island had a first name

that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show.

His first name was Willy.

The skipper’s real name on Gilligan’s Island is Jonas Grumby.

It was mentioned once in the first episode

on their radio’s newscast about the wreck.

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If you toss a penny 10,000 times,

it will not be heads 5,000 times, but more like 4,950.

The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.

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In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa

completely out of toast.

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Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.

(But only when you really surprise them!)

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The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.

The average bank CEO loses at least $1 billion – and gets a bonus for doing it!)

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The Earth weighs around

6,588,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 tons.

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The name for Oz in the “Wizard of Oz”

was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum,

looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z,

hence “Oz.”

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The reason firehouses have circular stairways

is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses.

The horses were stabled on the ground floor

and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

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The Sanskrit word for “war” means “desire for more cows.”

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The word “Checkmate” in chess

comes from the Persian phrase “Shah Mat,”

which means “the king is dead”.

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The word “modem” is a contraction

of the words “modulate, demodulate.”

(MOdulate DEModulate)

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Thomas Edison, lightbulb inventor,

was afraid of the dark.

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Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

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Wilma Flintstone’s maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal,

and Betty Rubble’s maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker.

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Mars is the home of Olympus Mons,

the largest known volcano in our solar system

Size comparison – Olympus Mons v Everest

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There are six million parts in the Boeing 747-400.

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Japanese research has concluded that

moderate drinking can boost IQ levels

(Sometimes you just know when scientific results are accurate.)

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In 1960 there were 16,067 gambling slots in Nevada.

By the end of the century, 1999, this number rose to 205,726 slots

which would be one slot for every 10 people residing there.

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Did You Know? Another Rummage Through The Fasab Fact Files

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Hello again and welcome to another rummage through the fasab fact files.

As random as ever, this selection covers many centuries and many countries so you should find something of interest.

Enjoy.

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1 in 5 of the world’s doctors are Russian.

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The Nullarbor Plain of Australia covers

100,000 square miles (160,900 km) without a tree.

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In 1933, Mickey Mouse, an animated cartoon character,

received 800,000 fan letters.

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Nerve impulses to and from the brain

travel as fast as 170 miles (274 km) per hour.

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Ancient Egyptians shaved off their eyebrows

to mourn the deaths of their cats.

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Canadian researchers have found that

Einstein’s brain was 15% wider than normal.

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Isaac Asimov is the only author

to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category.

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The shortest British monarch was Charles I,

who was 4 feet 9 inches.

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Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.

(Something to do with his mother no doubt!)

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Camels chew in a figure 8 pattern.

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In space, astronauts cannot cry,

because there is no gravity,

so the tears can’t flow.

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There are 1,792 steps in the Eiffel Tower

 

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A silicon chip a quarter inch square

has the capacity of the original 1949 ENIAC computer,

which occupied a city block.

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About a third of all Americans flush the toilet

while they’re still sitting on it.

 

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Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice president Al Gore

were freshman roommates at Harvard.

 

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In eighteenth century England,

women’s wigs were sometimes 4 feet high.

These remarkable headdresses were dusted with flour

and decorated with stuffed birds, replicas of gardens,

plates of fruit, or even model ships.

 

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In 1976 a Los Angeles secretary named Jannene Swift

officially married a 50 pound rock.

The ceremony was witnessed by more than 20 people.

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In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs.

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John has a long moustache was the coded signal

used by the French Resistance in WWII

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The Primary Responsibility For A Child’s Education Is Apparent.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, that’s right, The primary responsibility for a child’s education is apparent.

But everyone’s education would not be complete without a healthy dose of puns.

Always here to help, here’s today’s selection.

Enjoy!

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I went into a fancy dress shop and asked the woman

working there if they had any ghost costumes.

She said “We don’t sell those, I’m afraid.”

Stupid woman. They’re not that scary.

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ABC NEWS:

French Chef commits suicide after critic’s attack.

After further investigation it turns out

he simply lost the huile d’olive.

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I went to a really posh school.

In fact, the school was so posh that the Gym was called James.

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I have a friend who’s half Indian.

Ian.

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Cleavage is the only thing that you can look down on

and approve of at the same time.

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My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.

She said, “I’m sick of it. You actually believe that you’re a Transformer.

It’s stupid. I’ve had enough and I’m leaving you.”

I said, “But, Baby, I can change.”

She said, “There you go again!”

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I put a couple of ‘t’s in my beer last night.

I think it made it better.

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Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?

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I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my bedroom.

You know, to make it more classy.

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I was only young when I learned to count.

It was odd at first, even then.

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In a cave, I found pictures of women’s breasts,

but when I picked them up, a giant net fell on me.

Damn booby trap.

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I make £1,000,000 a month cleaning Windows.

I invented Norton Anti-virus.

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My parents gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday yesterday.

I couldn’t find the words to thank them.

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I never let my children watch big band performances on TV.

Too much sax and violins.

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There’s one thing I can’t stand when I’m drunk.

Up!

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Einstein eventually developed a theory about space.

And it was about time too.

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I’m so broke at the moment that all I can

afford to eat are herbs my mate has lent me.

I’m living on borrowed thyme.

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I’ve just seen a group on Facebook called, ‘I hate feet’.

Obviously these people are fans of the metric system.

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Talking to her about computer hardware,

makes my mother board.

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My wife has packed her bags and gone –

just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I’m feeling cannelloni right now.

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Let’s Have Some More Pun Today

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Time for a few more puns for those of you who like a bit of word play, or just enjoy some bad jokes dressed up as clever stuff.

Enjoy.

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You know prices are rising when you buy a winter jacket and even down is up.

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I met a girl at an internet cafe, but we didn’t click.

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Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.

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I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.          

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The indecisive rower couldn’t choose either oar.

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5000 hares have escaped from the zoo.

The police are combing the area.

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The blind guy was sure he could master braille once he got a feel for it.

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The trailer for the movie was produced without a hitch!

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Did you hear about the beautiful but strict high school teacher?

She was easy on the eyes and hard on the pupils!

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I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.

It’s impossible to put down.

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Scientist one: “I’m going to try to clone myself.”

Scientist two: “Now wouldn’t that be just like you!”

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Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.

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I’m inclined to be laid back.

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I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.      

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Don’t trust people who do acupuncture, they’re back stabbers.

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My wife tells me I’m a skeptic – but I don’t believe a word she says.        

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In the room the curtains were drawn, but the rest of the furniture was real.

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A pun about a monorail always makes for a decent one-liner!

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And finally, did you hear about the girl who got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun?

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Everything Is Relative, Even Your Granny!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A man trying to understand the nature of God asked him: “God, how long is a million years to you?”

God answered: “A million years is like a minute.”

Then the man asked: “God, how much is a million dollars to you?”

And God replied: “A million dollars is like a penny.”

Finally the man asked: “God, could you give me a penny?”

And God said, “In a minute.”

 

I had originally called this post ‘Time And Relativity’ but I thought that would put some people off reading it. But that’s what it is actually about.

We have all heard about Albert Einstein and his theory of relativity, which is when he basically demolished Isaac Newton’s theories of mechanics and replaced them with the theory of relativity and how time can be effected by space, gravity, velocity and so forth.

Albert Einstein who formulated the theories of relativity

Like Einstein (who am I kidding LOL) I have two theories of relativity, a General Theory and a Special Theory. That I am afraid is where the similarity ends because being neither a physicist nor a genius my theories are of necessity much simpler, although I would argue no less valid.

If you’ve got the time read on….

 

1. The Fasab General Theory of Relativity

The Fasab General Theory of Relativity simply states that the more interested you are in something the faster time passes.

Contrary to what a lot of people have been taught and believe, widening your variety of activities and experiences will not slow down your perception of time passing, it will in fact speed it up if you are interested in and enjoy those activities and experiences.

We have all experienced this phenomenon. Sit down at your computer and get engrossed in the fasab blog 🙂 , do a bit of work on your own blog, or just look for information on something you are interested in, and hey presto two hours have disappeared before you know it.

Same if you are watching a really good movie or play or show. It may last for two hours or more, but it seems an awful lot less.

And there are people you know and meet who are great company, are funny, tell good stories, and/or can hold interesting conversations on a variety of topics. Time seems to pass so quickly and so pleasantly when you are fortunate enough to be in that sort of company. 

Conversely, the more uninterested you are in something the slower time passes.

Ever gone to see a film that was particularly bad and that you thought was never going to end? Or a lecture by a boring speaker who made an hour seem like a day and your bottom give up and go to sleep? If you have you’ll know exactly what I mean.

I used to have an old aunt who had Alzheimers and occasionally I would go to stay with her to give my cousin a few hours break. Her sensible conversational skills were approaching zero at that stage in her disease, tv seemed to irritate her and so on, so there was little to do to pass the time.

I would go in to her house, sit down and glance at my watch. It would be something like, say, 7.30pm.

I’d try to coax a little chat out of her and fail; then read the newspaper for a while; then just close my eyes and have a rest or a think about what I needed to do tomorrow; and then after what I thought was at least a good 30 minutes or more I’d check my watch again.

It would say something like 7.34pm! Those 4 minutes had taken a half hour to pass. It was awful.

Then there are the drones, people who seem to be able to slow down time with their excruciatingly boring and meaningless conversation. A friend of mine from University days who went on to become an accountant turned into to one of those, obsessed with whatever budget he was trying to perfect he droned on and on and on about it. I don’t see him much these days. 

And that is the Fasab General Theory Of Relativity.

 

2. The Fasab Special Theory of Relativity

The Fasab Special Theory Of Relativity is a different concept to the General Theory just outlined. It is also harder to ‘prove’ in that the ability to experience it is not quite so immediate. But once again we have all experienced it, so here goes.

The Fasab Special Theory of Relativity states that time is perceived to pass faster the lower the proportion a unit of time is, when compared to how long we have lived.

Have you ever heard people say, or even said yourself, that the older you get the quicker the months and years seem to pass?

I’m sure there is a complex mathematical formula for something like this and if anyone cares to send it to me well and good. But for now let’s not bother complicating things.

The Fasab Special Theory of Relativity in simple terms can be summarized as Y/L = P, where ‘Y’ is a period of 1 year or 12 months; ‘L’ is a person’s current life term or age stated in months; and ‘P’ is the proportion of your current life that 1 year represents. The older you get the lower is the value of ‘P’ and the faster time is perceived to pass. 

For example, when you are a child a year seems like a long, long, long time. That is simply because when kids are five years old, twelve months is a large proportion of their lives, 12/60 or 1/5 or 20 percent.

However, by the time you reach 50 years of age, a year or 12 months is a much smaller proportion of your lifetime, 12/600 or 1/50 or just 2 percent.

Therefore the older you get, the quicker a year, or any unit of time for that matter, seems to pass.

I’m not happy about this. Time appears to be going in far too fast already. But like everyone else I seem to be stuck with it.

 

And that is a summary of the two Fasab theories of time and relativity.

 

It might be interesting to speculate how the two theories combine and what effect that has but, oh my goodness, is that the time? Must go!

 

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