I’ve Never Understood Decimals – What’s The Point?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I may be having difficulty understanding the point of decimals, but I understand the point of a good pun or two.

Hope you do too.

Here is the latest word play selection for you enjoyment.

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I just found a note that says “Dial-a-Party” and a phone number.

I believe this calls for a celebration.

phone

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Went to a 70’s disco the other night.

Bought all sorts of cool gear too; platform boots,

brightly coloured flares, an afro wig…

But in retro specs I looked a twat.

mens-1970s-fashion

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Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma.

There’s no menu, they just give you what you deserve.

Karma - restaurant

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I’m an avid campaigner for the preservation of endangered animals.

You should taste my panda jam.

wwf-panda-logo

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My friend’s always boasting how he once had to

shuffle 52 packs of cards and

then distribute them equally between 4 people.

Big deal.

dealing_cards_wapday-com

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You know who I can’t stand?

Intolerant people.

Bastards!

intolerance

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I had some time to kill yesterday.

So I went round to the mother-in-law’s.

cartoon-mother-in-law-card-by-leahg1

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One by one, all of my best friends have started

to become interested in men as well as women.

So I’m just sitting here, watching the world go bi.

darkow bi-ball

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My wife has just texted me asking me to ‘do her’ tonight.

I’m not looking forward to it, I’m useless at impressions.

first-impressions-cartoon-2

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I was taking the freeway out of LA the other day

when the cops pulled me over and said:

‘Put it back’.

freeway

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Guy #1:  “I call my girlfriend ‘Miss Universe’.”

Guy #2:  “Is it because she’s so beautiful?”

Guy #1:  “No it’s ’cause she’s constantly expanding, the fat cow!” 

scared-cat-cartoon-kitty-frightened-of-fat-lady-from-behind

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I used to keep poking myself in my eyes,

but don’t worry,

I can’t see myself doing it again.

poking

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Archaeologists have just discovered

an ancient Egyptian ruler embalmed in chocolate.

Apparently it was Pharaoh Rocher.

choc body

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My tailor has stitched the bottom

of my trousers the wrong way around.

Meh.

fashion681

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I pulled a cracker last Christmas.

There’s a joke in there somewhere.

christmas-crackers-and-decoration

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Can anybody tell me where Jeopardy is?

Apparently there’s 1000s of jobs there.

Jeopardy Logo

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My teacher handed me a blank piece of white paper.

“Make a paper plane,” she said.

“It already is,” I said.

blank paper

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My opinion on fishmongers?

Selfish.

fishmonger

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My friend just showed me a picture of his new girlfriend,

who he says is from Eastern Europe.

I looked at the picture and said

‘she looks nothing like a frog.’

‘What are you on about?’ He said.

‘I told you she’s a Tad-Polish.’

frog-tadpoles

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I think my mum is going senile.

I just told her that my girlfriend is pregnant with my daughter.

She asked me, “Do you have a name?”

I said, “I’ve always had a name, for goodness sake, it’s me, David.”

mother_here_phone

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The Primary Responsibility For A Child’s Education Is Apparent.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, that’s right, The primary responsibility for a child’s education is apparent.

But everyone’s education would not be complete without a healthy dose of puns.

Always here to help, here’s today’s selection.

Enjoy!

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I went into a fancy dress shop and asked the woman

working there if they had any ghost costumes.

She said “We don’t sell those, I’m afraid.”

Stupid woman. They’re not that scary.

ghost-towel

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ABC NEWS:

French Chef commits suicide after critic’s attack.

After further investigation it turns out

he simply lost the huile d’olive.

huile-d-olive

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I went to a really posh school.

In fact, the school was so posh that the Gym was called James.

gym cartoon

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I have a friend who’s half Indian.

Ian.

half indian

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Cleavage is the only thing that you can look down on

and approve of at the same time.

cleavage

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My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.

She said, “I’m sick of it. You actually believe that you’re a Transformer.

It’s stupid. I’ve had enough and I’m leaving you.”

I said, “But, Baby, I can change.”

She said, “There you go again!”

Transformer

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I put a couple of ‘t’s in my beer last night.

I think it made it better.

BeerBetter

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Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?

air and space museum

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I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my bedroom.

You know, to make it more classy.

school desk

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I was only young when I learned to count.

It was odd at first, even then.

cartoon-numbers-set

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In a cave, I found pictures of women’s breasts,

but when I picked them up, a giant net fell on me.

Damn booby trap.

booby_traps_by_vmv_81-d3ickn1

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I make £1,000,000 a month cleaning Windows.

I invented Norton Anti-virus.

Norton

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My parents gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday yesterday.

I couldn’t find the words to thank them.

dictionary

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I never let my children watch big band performances on TV.

Too much sax and violins.

sax_and_violins

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There’s one thing I can’t stand when I’m drunk.

Up!

drunk

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Einstein eventually developed a theory about space.

And it was about time too.

albert_einstein_328565

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I’m so broke at the moment that all I can

afford to eat are herbs my mate has lent me.

I’m living on borrowed thyme.

thyme

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I’ve just seen a group on Facebook called, ‘I hate feet’.

Obviously these people are fans of the metric system.

metric-system-copyright-Allan-Inman

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Talking to her about computer hardware,

makes my mother board.

motherboard

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My wife has packed her bags and gone –

just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I’m feeling cannelloni right now.

pasta

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