Say What You Want, You Really Like ‘Em

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, some of you pretend not to, but come on, admit it, I know you really like these awful jokes dressed up as puns and word plays.

Here’s another lot for you to pretend to hate!

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Bill used to date an English teacher, but she dumped him.

She didn’t approve of his improper use of the colon.

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What’s better than seeing a woman wrestle?

Seeing her box.

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I had an appointment at the sperm bank today, but I had to call up to say I couldn’t come.

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I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

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I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like, 0mg!

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My girlfriend just said to me, “Did you know, butterflies only live for two days?”

I said, “Honey, I think that’s a myth.”

She said, “No, it’s definitely a butterfly.”

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I think jokes about fat people are horrible.

Don’t you think they have enough on their plate?

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I shot someone with a starting gun.

I’ve been charged with race crimes

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I got an e-mail saying ‘At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!’

I thought, “That’s just spam.”

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Capitalization is the difference between

“I helped my uncle Jack off a horse,”

and

“I helped my uncle jack off a horse.”

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Call it a hunch, but I’m pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.

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My brother came out of the closet today.

I knew I should have used a better lock.

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The other day I saw a man playing Dancing Queen on the Didgeridoo.

I thought, that’s Aboriginal.

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Twenty-Four Thoughts To Get You Through Any Crisis

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Some situations in life or business or whatever call for a bit of creative thinking. “Thinking outside the box” is the trendy phrase that’s used. It means sometimes forgetting a lot of what we have learned or applying it a little differently.

If you ever find yourself in that kind of position some of these thoughts may help.

Enjoy.

 

 

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

 

You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

 

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

 

Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

 

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

 

Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

 

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

 

The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

 

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

 

Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

 

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

 

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

 

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

 

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

 

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

 

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

 

One-seventh of you life is spent on Wednesday.

 

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

 

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

 

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

 

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

 

This is as bad as it can get, but don’t bet on it.

 

Never wrestle with a pig:  You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

 

The trouble with life is, you’re halfway through it before you realize it’s a ‘do it yourself’ thing.

 

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