Highlighter Pens Are The Future. Mark My Words!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Mark my words indeed.

It’s Pun Day again.

Enjoy or endure!

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Know what’s odd?

About every other number.

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When I asked my best friend to be my best man,

he said he was “speechless”.

So I said, “You’re no good, I’ll find someone else”.

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I always win at Twister.

Hands down.

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On reflection,

vampires aren’t that scary.

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I’ve just seen a huge Egyptian woman

sticking her ass out the window of a car.

It was a two-ton car moon.

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My neighbor Dave has drunk many

weird and wonderful things in his time.

I asked him if he’d ever drunk cologne.

“No,” he replied. “Always with friends.”

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As they say in France,

one man’s fish

is another man’s poisson.

 

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Everything is easier said than done.

Except procrastination.

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“I’ve got two words for you”

“I can’t count”

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Upon reaching the peak of Everest with my wife,

we realized that there was only enough oxygen left

for one of us to get back down.

So I did the descent thing…

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I recently wrote an essay on the “Communist Manifesto”.

Unfortunately I didn’t really understand the topic,

so I got no Marx.

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Calvin Klein were supposed to

be bringing out a new fragrance…

But it was just aroma.

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The Sahara Desert walks into a bar

The barman says, “Long time no sea.”

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Discovery Channel are releasing a new series about wildlife.

The first program is called “Siamese Ducks”.

It’s a double bill.

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The wife will go spare when she finds out

I’ve lost her only copy of Beethoven’s Unfinished symphony.

I’ll never hear the end of it.

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It’s D-Day! – De Day For Puns Dat Is!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, the day you all look forward to, pun day!

First, since it is June 6^th I’ll take the opportunity to recommend one of the best WWII movies ever made. Called “The Longest Day” it is a dramatic account of the Normandy Landings that took place on this day in 1944.

But back to today and those puns.

Enjoy!

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Do you think that people who don’t want to be counted

have taken leave of their census?

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Those who hate classical music have my symphony.

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To qualify as an electrician these days

you have to pass a battery of tests.

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Do people who steal trains have a loco-motive?

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Do banks with competing loan rates

have a conflict of interest?

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When they build a new hive

do bees have a house swarming party?

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Is it just me……

or does anybody else find pressing F5 refreshing?

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You won’t like me when I’m angry.

Because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources.

The Credible Hulk.

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I was in an English exam and they asked

“Write the past tense of ‘Think'”

I thought and thought about this for ages.

Eventually, I went for ‘Thunk’

I bought a carpet off this girl I’ve been dating.

We broke up, but at least I got a good shag.

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Some yob attacked me down the local park tonight with a bat.

It was scary, but I was really impressed at how well he’d trained it.

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We just started a new band this week.

We called it “999 Megabytes”.

Coz we haven’t done a gig yet.

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I’ve just found that my Wii remote doesn’t work

if you take it out of the sync region.

Much like my wife.

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The most common surname In China is Chang,

correct me if you think that’s Wong.

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I asked my grandmother for “something Cuban” for my birthday,

and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

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My dad never loved me as a child.

I can’t blame him really.

I wasn’t born until he was an adult.

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I saw a slide with an 85 degree incline for sale the other day for $1000.

I thought that’s a bit steep.

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My best friend is called Tiba.

Sometimes, I think he’s a bit backwards.

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The wife is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes.

I asked her, “What can I do to stop my addiction?”

She said, “Whatever means necessary.”

“No it doesn’t,” I said.

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The Primary Responsibility For A Child’s Education Is Apparent.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, that’s right, The primary responsibility for a child’s education is apparent.

But everyone’s education would not be complete without a healthy dose of puns.

Always here to help, here’s today’s selection.

Enjoy!

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I went into a fancy dress shop and asked the woman

working there if they had any ghost costumes.

She said “We don’t sell those, I’m afraid.”

Stupid woman. They’re not that scary.

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ABC NEWS:

French Chef commits suicide after critic’s attack.

After further investigation it turns out

he simply lost the huile d’olive.

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I went to a really posh school.

In fact, the school was so posh that the Gym was called James.

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I have a friend who’s half Indian.

Ian.

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Cleavage is the only thing that you can look down on

and approve of at the same time.

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My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.

She said, “I’m sick of it. You actually believe that you’re a Transformer.

It’s stupid. I’ve had enough and I’m leaving you.”

I said, “But, Baby, I can change.”

She said, “There you go again!”

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I put a couple of ‘t’s in my beer last night.

I think it made it better.

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Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?

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I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my bedroom.

You know, to make it more classy.

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I was only young when I learned to count.

It was odd at first, even then.

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In a cave, I found pictures of women’s breasts,

but when I picked them up, a giant net fell on me.

Damn booby trap.

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I make £1,000,000 a month cleaning Windows.

I invented Norton Anti-virus.

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My parents gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday yesterday.

I couldn’t find the words to thank them.

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I never let my children watch big band performances on TV.

Too much sax and violins.

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There’s one thing I can’t stand when I’m drunk.

Up!

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Einstein eventually developed a theory about space.

And it was about time too.

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I’m so broke at the moment that all I can

afford to eat are herbs my mate has lent me.

I’m living on borrowed thyme.

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I’ve just seen a group on Facebook called, ‘I hate feet’.

Obviously these people are fans of the metric system.

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Talking to her about computer hardware,

makes my mother board.

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My wife has packed her bags and gone –

just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I’m feeling cannelloni right now.

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Just imagine looking out into the garden on Halloween and seeing this…

The Most Evil Cat In The World

”Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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As I’ve said before on this blog, I’m a doggie person, but I know that there are a lot of people out there who like cats. However, I don’t think any of them could have liked the cat that is the subject of this post.

It happed a few years ago when a colleague and myself were on a business trip that included a visit to a small town in West Virginia. It was a lovely little town, called Rednecksville (I won’t tell you it’s real name so as to protect the guilty), full of lovely, very friendly and hospitable people.

During the time we happened to be there they held a local fair come flea market where people from the town and the surrounding countryside would gather. Some set up stalls to sell their home crafted goods, others, like myself just went along to see what was on offer and perhaps buy a few trinkets as gifts. 

But, whilst the experience itself was enjoyable, the items that were on sale left a whole lot to be desired. They were quite unbelievably crudely made.

There was a guy with what I think were supposed to bird nesting boxes and/or feeders, but they looked more like an old plank of wood with a bit of drain pipe nailed to it. (It looked like that because that’s what it was, lol)

Other stalls were selling home made jewelry in what you could only call primitive style.

And yet more had bits of metal junk.

Surprisingly one of the junk stalls seemed to be doing good business, selling big rusty nuts and bolts and bits of chain and so forth. On second thoughts perhaps not so surprisingly since this was a largely rural community and new uses can always be found for stuff like that.

I smiled quietly to myself as I wondered if the bird box guy had been a customer of this stall the last time they had the fair.

At another stall a woman was selling some stuffed toys/animals she had very obviously made herself. None of them were good, but some were just downright awful.

For some reason best known to himself my colleague chose to buy a stuffed cat for his wife. He was getting on in years and had been married a long time, but in all those years he never had any idea about women or what they would like – and that was especially so in regard to his wife, although in his defense I have to say that she didn’t seem to like anything he did very much.

To my utter amazement he choose the most unusual stuffed cat I have ever seen. It wasn’t that it looked ugly as such, or that it was badly made. This thing looked pure evil. And no matter where you would be standing it always seemed to be looking right at you, or through you.

It was terrible, horrendous, occultish. If Steven King had been there he’d have written a book about it for sure. If Vincent Price had been holding it in some horror movie set it might have looked more acceptable. Or if we had been in Haiti, I could have understood it if it was supposed to be some voodoo ritual piece. But this was right in the middle of good old evangelical Christian Bible Belt America. This was no place for the cat from hell.  

“What do you think?” he asked, proudly showing me his new purchase.

“I hate it!” I told him in no uncertain terms. “What the hell did you buy that thing for?”

He seemed rather miffed.

He must have been more miffed when he got it home. Needless to say his wife hated it. Wouldn’t give it house room at all. And I’m sure she made her feelings very clear to him, as she usually did about almost everything.  

So he gave it to his daughter. 

She hated it. Didn’t want it near her house either.

So he gave it to his daughter-in-law. 

She hated it. She was actually scared out of her wits by it.

So he gave it to his grand-daughter. 

She hated it. Started to cry, I believe.

So he put in the trunk of the car and brought it to his office the next day. 

His secretary hated it, too. Wouldn’t have it near the office.  

So back in the trunk it went.

Eventually he must have got to hate it too because it disappeared never to be seen again.

And the weirdest bit of all….

I photographed him with it when he bought it and I would have attached it to this blog post except for one thing – the photo is nowhere to be found!

That was one weird cat!