I Said He Would Be Entertaining.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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donaldtrump

Say what you like about him, but he is entertaining. Trump is already making what was looking like one of the dullest election campaigns in history into something worth looking at – just now and again though.

The latest nonsense comes from the business world, namely Macy’s, NBC and Univision.

Macy’s has decided to drop Trump-related merchandise, and the other two are going to break off ties (pun, tee-hee!) with the Donald.

The Macy’s decision is fairly clear, they’d rather run away from controversy and lose money than ride out the storm. I wonder do they sell goods manufactured in the sweat shops of the world, often by children? Maybe we should look in their hypocrisy department – fourth floor next to the white flags if I remember correctly?

waving white surrender flag

However, no one knows exactly what the NBC and Univision decision means in practical terms. For example, will they sell their half of the Miss USA and Miss Universe pageants and if they do who will they sell it to? Or will they buy Trump’s half which will mean giving him top dollar for the shows because I don’t think he will let them away softly. In fact he would be within his rights to sue NBC for breach of contract relating to the pageants if this dodgy decision leads to a cancellation.

Either way it will be more wealth for Trump, which is probably what the move was designed NOT to do when they were thinking about it. That’s assuming they did think about it, which appears increasing unlikely.

trump two fingers

Neither has NBC given great thought as to who is going to host “The Apprentice” in a post-Trump era. They’ve hinted that they are going to look for a new star to replace Trump on the long-running reality show, but he’ll be a hard act to follow. Maybe it’s a chance for another dose of the limelight for the Shark Tank’s Mr Wonderful or even Mark Cuban, both of whom seem to thrive on the small screen and both of whom seem to have egos on the grand scale.

This hasty decision also leaves a BIG question mark about the partiality of these TV companies during the election race. Will they – or perhaps better, can they – continue to cover Trump fairly as a presidential candidate?

Former President Bush, President Bush and Governor Bush depart the christening ceremony of the USS George H.W. Bush in Virginia

Then there’s former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, part of the Bush, Bush and Bush super wealthy and well connected dynasty who want the big seat in the White House again. Jeb has said his decision to run for the Republican nomination will be based on two things: his family and whether he can lift America’s spirit.

After the great job his father and big brother did as President in lifting America’s spirits (a little sarcasm there) how could the voters do anything other than make him the GOP Presidential candidate? Oh dear me!

Despite the family history, Bush seems to be making good progress so far. But he had an easy start, because prior to the arrival of Trump on the scene he had no high profile rival. He still holds a significant lead over the second-place Trump.

Some think Jeb Bush would be the best candidate to handle illegal immigration and social issues. Just like his brother perhaps, see video.

On the economy Trump would probably be favorite, especially after the way Dubya Bush let spending go out of control during the latter stages of his war-mongering Presidency.

Apart from these two, although there are numerous others in the field,there does not seem to be any other close runners. Not yet anyway. But things in election races can always change suddenly as a skeleton or two tumble from their closets.

Trump is trying to capitalize on his business background. There is no doubt that that gives him an advantage over the career politicians. In business Trump lives or dies by his decisions. As for the Senators and Governor would-be’s, they are used to other people paying for their mistakes not them personally. It’s a significant difference in the mindsets of the two types of contender.

There is no doubt that Trump is correct when he says that the “American public is ready for a leader with a proven track record of success.” This is particular so after eight years of a dithering Obama administration.

Whether or not “Eighty percent of Central American girls and women are raped crossing into the United States,” one would have thought that America was ready for someone who wasn’t afraid to tell it how it is, instead of trying to pander to every minority viewpoint be it legitimate or crazy.

In politics a bit of controversy is always…

what’s the word….

“Entertaining?” That’s it.

trump with hand mic

As if to emphasize the fact, contrast what is going on in the Republican camp with the Democrats.

Hillary Clinton launched her presidential bid via a lackluster video message on social media way back in April and she continues to be the overwhelming front-runner among Democratic hopefuls for the White House job.

In fact the Democrat competition has turned into an amalgamation of Dullsville & Boringtown. There’s only one horse (make that horse’s ass) in the running. What she needs to blow all that cash for I don’t know. Build a hospital ward for the poor you dummy, you’re already selected.

hillary rodham clinton presidential bid 2016

Vice President Joe Biden, who has twice before made unsuccessful bids for the Oval Office – in 1988 and 2008 – might make another one, unsuccessful one that is. Recently he has said he thinks he’d “make a good President.” He is perhaps basing that on comments in the press that he is known for his foreign policy and national security expertise. He shouldn’t, because during the past eight years he has shown absolutely no grasp of either foreign affairs or national security.

Of course, it may well be that come the actual Presidential election next year, it will be Jeb versus Hillary and dull as they are the Democrats may win again. In a democracy the voters sometimes get it wrong.

In the meantime I’m still finding the Donald’s entry into the fray, what’s that word again….

“Entertaining!”

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Titanic, Tic Tacs And Trailers. It’s Fact Day.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Welcome to another fact day at the fasab blob.

Last one for May 2015. Time flying as always.

This selection includes facts about the Titanic Tic Tacs and trailers, and lots more.

Enjoy.

.

did you know3

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Light pollution usually doesn’t have a

significant impact on humans but it

causes major problems to many animals.

Birds often confuse days and nights and

scientists found out that light pollution can

change migration patterns in some animal species.

 Light pollution

.

.

The Titanic was so big that 176 men were needed

just to shovel coal into its furnaces

 Titanic boiler room

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Although Tic Tac’s claim to have 0 sugar,

they consist of nearly 98% sugar!

This is because the size per serving is

.49 grams and according to the FDA a food

cannot be labeled “sugar free” unless it

contains less than .5 grams of sugar per serving!

How sweet!

 Tic Tac

.

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Bulgaria is the oldest country in Europe and

it hasn’t changed its name since 681 AD

 Bulgaria map

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When Soviet archaeologists opened the tomb

of Tamerlane, a Mongol descendant of Genghis Khan,

they found an inscription that read,

“Whoever opens my tomb will unleash

an invader more terrible than I.”

It was June 20 1941.

Germany invaded the Soviet Union on June 22.

 tomb of Tamerlane

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The only part of a Swiss Army Knife not

made in Switzerland is the corkscrew.

It is made in Japan.

 Swiss Army Knife

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Mothers become emotionally attached to their

children prior to birth by the virtue of

carrying the child in their wombs.

According to some studies men won’t become

emotionally bonded to the child for several months

after birth when the infant begins to smile, respond,

and interact with him.

 mother baby bond

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During Peter the Great’s reign in Russia

there was a beard tax which

anyone with a beard had to pay.

 Beard_token

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Nobody knows how the Mayan Empire declined.

Long before the Spanish came many of the great

cities had already been long abandoned and lay in ruins.

Scholars have hypothesized reasons ranging from

drought and famine to overpopulation and climate change.

 Mayan Empire

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JRR Tolkien’s estate only received $62,500

for the Lord of the Rings film trilogy

until a lawsuit was filed.

 Lord of the Rings film trilogy

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In June 2010 Oscar the cat received bionic limbs

to replace his original ones lost in an

accident with a combine harvester.

 Bionic-Cat

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Movie trailers were so named because they

were originally designed to play AFTER the movie,

but when marketers realized that people don’t tend

to stick around when a movie has finished they

started to play them at the beginning of the main movie!

Here’s an example…

 .

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Silly Statistics!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Mark Twain is famous for having said, “There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.”

Well, just to prove you can have a bit of fun with statistics have a look at this set of nonsense that came to me in an email a while ago.

They are a complete reversal of the usual figures which continually highlight the increasing world population and the problems that will cause in the future.

These numbers look at the world if it was scaled down to just one hundred people.

It might make you think or it might not.

But it is a new way of looking at population statistics, so I hope you enjoy them anyway.

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 If The World

Was Scaled Down

To Only 100 People

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SEVEN

would have a college degree

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TWENTY-TWO

would own a computer

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TWENTY-SIX

would be children

 

THIRTEEN

of those children would live in poverty

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SEVENTY-FOUR

would be adults

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EIGHT

of those adults would be 65 years or older

.

FIFTY FIFTY

There would be an equal

number of males and females

.

There would be

SIXTY

Asians,

FIFTEEN

Africans,

FOURTEEN

people from the Americas,

and

ELEVEN

Europeans

.

SEVENTEEN

wouldn’t be able to read or write

.

TWENTY-THREE

wouldn’t have any shelter

.

ONE

would be dying of starvation

.

FIFTEEN

would be undernourished

.

TWENTY-ONE

would be overweight

.

THIRTEEN

wouldn’t have access to clean water

.

FIFTY-ONE

would live in cities

 .

TWENTY-TWO

wouldn’t have electricity

.

Of those that do have electricity,

most would only use it for light at night

 .

SIXTEEN

wouldn’t have toilets

.

SEVENTY-FIVE

would be cell phone users

.

THIRTY

would be active internet users

.

FORTY-EIGHT

would live on less than $2 per day

.

SEVEN

people would own an automobile

.

THIRTY

would be employed in Agriculture

.

FIVE

would own 32% of the wealth

.

The poorest

THIRTY-THREE

people would only receive 3% of the income

.

By the end of the year

ONE

person would die and

TWO

new people would be born.

 

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I Can’t Believe Pretzels Are Knot Bread.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Get it?

Pretzels, knot bread?

Never mind. Time to unravel a few more word plays.

It’s Pun Day.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Here’s a good one for you,

Good one.

good one

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I went to the museum to feed the animals

But they were all stuffed

stuffed animals in museum

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Those disposable cameras

are a complete con.

Now I have absolutely no record

of a perfectly lovely holiday.

 

disposable cameras.

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My girlfriend said she was going to

leave me because of my obsession with

pointing out inanimate objects…

So I showed her the door.

man pointing

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My son has been asked

to sign for his local team.

To be honest,

I never knew they were deaf.

boy with foorball

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Cadbury’s have brought out

a new box of chocolates

for inconsiderate people.

They’re self centered.

Cadbury's

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I run a business selling tiny models

of Buddha and Mohammed.

Sales aren’t the best but

I’m making small prophets.

tiny model of buddha

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Everyone’s blaming me for the

animal noises on the video conference at work.

Seems I’ve been made into a Skypegoat.

skype_logo

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The English language

is the best in the world.

It just has a certain…

je ne sais quoi.

je ne sais quoi

.

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My family abandoned me,

my ex-girlfriend took everything I own,

and my children hate me

all because of my constant optimism.

Still, it could be worse.

optimism

.

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My wife asked me for a

new wardrobe last Christmas,

so I got her one.

Turns out she just wanted clothes

new wardrobe

.

.

I’m looking forward

to my dirty weekend.

Wash the car,

clean the garden,

take rubbish out……

dirty weekend

.

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I got water trapped in my ears

after having a shower this morning.

It was a near deaf experience.

water trapped in my ears

.

.

If you like women

as well as the next man

you’re probably bi-sexual.

Bisexual!

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What’s the temperature in Motown ?

Three degrees, four tops…

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November’s Quizzes Begin Here.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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First Monday of November and the first quiz of November.

It may be a different month but the format remains the same. Twenty random questions to test you general knowledge.

And as usual, if you get stuck, you can find the answers waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please NO cheating!

Enjoy and good luck.

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quiz 05

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Q.  1:  How are you related to the sister-in-law of your dad’s only brother?

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Q.  2:  There has been a TV series and a movie named “The Equalizer”, which actors played the leading characters in each?

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Q.  3:  What are the names the capital city of New Zealand and its most populous city and on which island are they situated? (A point for each correct answer.)

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Q.  4:  If a doctor gave you 5 pills and asked you to take 1 pill every 30 minutes, how many hours would it take you to consume all the pills?

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Q.  5:  In what country was the game ‘Chinese Checkers’ (or ‘Chinese Chequers’) invented?

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Q.  6:  What are the three main types of Whiskey, defined by how they are distilled?

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Q.  7:  Where were the first modern Olympic Games held?

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Q.  8:  If 5/8 of the children in a school are boys and the school consists of 2400 students, how many girls are there?

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Q.  9:  How many meters, yards or feet are there in a ‘nautical mile’?

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Q. 10:  ‘Marble’ is a form of which type of rock?

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Q. 11:  Where would you find a chicken’s ‘oysters’?

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Q. 12:  In what US city was the original TV series ‘NCIS’ based, and what are the locations for the two spin-off series? (A point for each correct answer.)

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Q. 13:  A related question to the previous one, what do the letters ‘NCIS’ stand for?

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Q. 14:  Approximately what proportion of the continental land mass is located in the Northern Hemisphere?

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Q. 15:  Which chemical element has the highest melting point at normal pressure?

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Q. 16:  What artist was famous for his paintings of matchstick men?

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Q. 17:  What is the study of birds called?

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Q. 18:  What metal, often used by sculptors, is an alloy of copper and tin?

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Q. 19:  What is produced by the rapid expansion of atmospheric gases suddenly heated by lightning?

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Q. 20:  Finally one for all you vintage gamers, where did you find cherry strawberry orange apple grape bird?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  How are you related to the sister-in-law of your dad’s only brother?

A.  1:  She’s your mom.

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Q.  2:  There has been a TV series and a movie named “The Equalizer”, which actors played the leading characters in each?

A.  2:  Edward Woodward in the TV series and Denzil Washington in the recent movie.

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Q.  3:  What are the names the capital city of New Zealand and its most populous city and on which island are they situated? (A point for each correct answer.)

A.  3:  Wellington is the capital of New Zealand and Auckland is its most populous city with approximately 1.4 million inhabitants. Both are situated on the North Island.

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Q.  4:  If a doctor gave you 5 pills and asked you to take 1 pill every 30 minutes, how many hours would it take you to consume all the pills?

A.  4:  2 hours. You took the first pill as soon as the doctor gave them to you.

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Q.  5:  In what country was the game ‘Chinese Checkers’ (or ‘Chinese Chequers’) invented?

A.  5:  Germany (in 1892, called Stern-Halma, a variation of earlier American game Halma.

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Q.  6:  What are the three main types of Whiskey, defined by how they are distilled?

A.  6:  They are ‘Scotch’, ‘Irish’ and ‘Bourbon’.

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Q.  7:  Where were the first modern Olympic Games held?

A.  7:  They were held in Much Wenlock, Shropshire, England in 1850 and annually for a while afterwards, inspiring the Athens Olympiad of 1896 and the Olympic movement. (You get a point if you said ‘England’ and three points if you knew the exact location.)

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Q.  8:  If 5/8 of the children in a school are boys and the school consists of 2400 students, how many girls are there?

A.  8:  900 (If 5/8 of the children in a school are boys, then 3/8 of the children in that school are girls. (5/8 + 3/8 = 1) 3/8 of 2400 = 3/8 * 2400 = 900)

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Q.  9:  How many meters, yards or feet are there in a ‘nautical mile’?

A.  9:  A nautical mile is a unit of distance that is approximately one minute of arc measured along any meridian and by international agreement has been set at 1,852 metres exactly, or approximately 2,025 yards or 6,076 feet.

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Q. 10:  ‘Marble’ is a form of which type of rock?

A. 10:  Limestone.

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Q. 11:  Where would you find a chicken’s ‘oysters’?

A. 11:  Chicken Oysters are two small, round pieces of dark meat on the back of poultry near the thigh. Some regard the “oyster meat” to be the most flavorful and tender part of the bird, while others dislike the taste and texture.

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Q. 12:  In what US city was the original TV series ‘NCIS’ based, and what are the locations for the two spin-off series? (A point for each correct answer.)

A. 12:  The original NCIS TV series was set in Washington DC and the spin-off shows are set in Los Angeles and New Orleans.

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Q. 13:  A related question to the previous one, what do the letters ‘NCIS’ stand for?

A. 13:  They stand for ‘Naval Criminal Investigative Service’.

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Q. 14:  Approximately what proportion of the continental land mass is located in the Northern Hemisphere?

A. 14:  Approximately two-thirds.

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Q. 15:  Which chemical element has the highest melting point at normal pressure?

A. 15:  ‘Tungsten’ is the chemical element with the highest melting point, at 3687 K (3414 °C, 6177 °F)[4] making it excellent for use as filaments in light bulbs. The often-cited carbon does not melt at ambient pressure but sublimes at about 4000 K; a liquid phase only exists above pressures of 10 MPa and estimated 4300–4700 K.

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Q. 16:  What artist was famous for his paintings of matchstick men?

A. 16:  Laurence Stephen Lowry, better known as ‘L.S. Lowry’ (Nov 1st 1887 to Feb 23rd 1976).

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Q. 17:  What is the study of birds called?

A. 17:  The study of birds is called ‘Ornithology’.

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Q. 18:  What metal, often used by sculptors, is an alloy of copper and tin?

A. 18:  Bronze.

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Q. 19:  What is produced by the rapid expansion of atmospheric gases suddenly heated by lightning?

A. 19:  Easier than you thought, it’s ‘thunder’.

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Q. 20:  Finally one for all you vintage gamers, where did you find cherry strawberry orange apple grape bird?

A. 20:  Pac Man. Want to have a go?

http://www.knowledgeadventure.com/games/pac-man/

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Fasab Quiz Day Again!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Quiz Day it is and that means another twenty brain teasing questions.

The usual random mixture and also as usual, if you get stuck, you can find the answers waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please, NO cheating!

Enjoy and good luck.

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Quiz 07

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Q.  1:  What is the most common non-contagious disease in the world?

.

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Q.  2:  What drupaceous fruit were Hawaiian women once forbidden by law to eat?

.

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Q.  3:  Arabic numerals originated in which country?

.

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Q.  4:  What bird is used as the sign of peace?

.

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Q.  5:  Who discovered penicillin?

.

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Q.  6:  How many children were in Enid Blyton’s Famous Five?

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Q.  7:  What was the name of the ‘professor’ in the movie trilogy ‘Back to the Future’?

            a)  Doc Holliday          b)  Doc Brown          c)  Doc Payne          d) Doc Jones

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Q.  8:  What was the first daily comic strip published in the United States?

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Q.  9:  During which “war” in the 1950’s were the slogans “Better Dead Than Red” and “Better Red Than Dead” popular?

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Q. 10:  By what process does the sun’s energy reach the earth?

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Q. 11:  What is the highest, or maximum, break in a game of snooker?

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Q. 12:  Which word means the forecast of the probable course or outcome of a disease?

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Q. 13:  10. What is the national symbol of Ireland?

            a)  Crown Jewels of Ireland    b) Celtic Cross    c) Celtic Harp    d) Irish Wolfhound

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Q. 14:  What color are white grapes?

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Q. 15:  What is floating wreckage at sea called?

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Q. 16:  Who said: “I’m the president of the United States and I’m not going to eat any more broccoli”?

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Q. 17:  What creatures are the Canary Islands named after?

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Q. 18:  What weapon did German gunsmith August Kotter invent in 1520?

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Q. 19:  What is the collective name for a group of beavers?

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Q. 20:  And an easy one to finish, what type of animal inspired the creation of Bugs Bunny, Brer Rabbit, and the Easter Bunny?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  What is the most common non-contagious disease in the world?

A.  1:  Tooth Decay.

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Q.  2:  What drupaceous fruit were Hawaiian women once forbidden by law to eat?

A.  2:  Coconuts.

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Q.  3:  Arabic numerals originated in which country?

A.  3:  They originated in India.

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Q.  4:  What bird is used as the sign of peace?

A.  4:  The Dove.

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Q.  5:  Who discovered penicillin?

A.  5:  Alexander Fleming (in 1928).

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Q.  6:  How many children were in Enid Blyton’s Famous Five?

A.  6:  Four.

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Q.  7:  What was the name of the ‘professor’ in the movie trilogy ‘Back to the Future’?

            a)  Doc Holliday          b)  Doc Brown          c)  Doc Payne          d) Doc Jones

A.  7:  The correct answer is b) Doc Brown.

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Q.  8:  What was the first daily comic strip published in the United States?

A.  8:  Mr. Mutt.

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Q.  9:  During which “war” in the 1950’s were the slogans “Better Dead Than Red” and “Better Red Than Dead” popular?

A.  9:  The Cold War.

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Q. 10:  By what process does the sun’s energy reach the earth?

A. 10:  Radiation.

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Q. 11:  What is the highest, or maximum, break in a game of snooker?

A. 11:  147.

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Q. 12:  Which word means the forecast of the probable course or outcome of a disease?

A. 12:  Prognosis.

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Q. 13:  10. What is the national symbol of Ireland?

            a)  Crown Jewels of Ireland    b) Celtic Cross    c) Celtic Harp    d) Irish Wolfhound

A. 13:  The correct answer is c) The Celtic Harp.

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Q. 14:  What color are white grapes?

A. 14:  Green.

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Q. 15:  What is floating wreckage at sea called?

A. 15:  Flotsam (Jetsam is discarded material which has been washed ashore).

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Q. 16:  Who said: “I’m the president of the United States and I’m not going to eat any more broccoli”?

A. 16:  George Bush.

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Q. 17:  What creatures are the Canary Islands named after?

A. 17:  Dogs (probably a reference to monk seals once found around the islands, whose Latin translation is ‘sea dogs’).

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Q. 18:  What weapon did German gunsmith August Kotter invent in 1520?

A. 18:  The Rifle.

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Q. 19:  What is the collective name for a group of beavers?

A. 19:  A Colony.

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Q. 20:  And an easy one to finish, what type of animal inspired the creation of Bugs Bunny, Brer Rabbit, and the Easter Bunny?

A. 20:  Well maybe not quite so easy, the correct answer is a Hare. (No points if you just said ‘rabbit’.)

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==========================================

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Did You Know? – Here Are Some More Things You Probably Didn’t.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Welcome to another fact finding day on the fasab blog.

Fifteen more very random but hopefully interesting facts that you probably didn’t know.

Enjoy.

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did you know4

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If you live in France,

and happen to own a pig,

it is illegal to name it ‘Napoleon’.

pig Napoleon

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50 of the 83 restaurants

featured on Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares

have been sold or shut down.

ramsays-kitchen-nightmares

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In Turkey, it is illegal for a man

over 80 years old to become a pilot.

pilot turkey

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It took 127 beers to make Andre The Giant

pass out in a hotel lobby;

 he was so big, hotel management couldn’t

move him and left him there until the next day.

Andres-Hand-beer

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If you have the plague you are not

permitted to flag down a taxi in London.

London taxi

.

.

If a set of identical twin women

married a set of identical twin men

and subsequently had children,

their kids would genetically be siblings.

nicoleandjaqueline

.

.

Every year Louis Vuitton burns

all of its unsold stock of bags.

Louis_Vuitton_Speedy_Hand_Bags

.

.

It is against the law in Barbados to wear any camouflage clothing,

but, hey, if it’s good enough whose going to notice?

bushgreen camouflage

.

.

Sean Connery wore a wig in every

one of his Bond performances.

Sean Connery James Bond

.

.

Whilst chewing gum in Singapore is not illegal,

importing it, or selling it,

or spitting it on to the pavement definitely is.

Singapore gum sign

.

.

Peter Sellers was paid $1 million for his

part in the movie Dr. Strangelove,

55 percent of the film’s budget.

peter-sellers-as-dr-strangelove

.

.

In Canada stores are not

legally required to accept coins

Canadian-Specimen-Set-Coins

.

.

The United Arab Emirates donated a laptop

to every high school student in Joplin, Missouri,

after the city had been devastated by a tornado.

Joplin, Missouri after tornado

.

.

Astronaut Pete Conrad’s first sentence on the moon was

“Oooh, is that soft an queasy”,

said in order to win a $500 bet.

pete conrad

.

.

And speaking of the Moon,

the Moonwalk predates Michael Jackson by at least 50 years,

having been performed by James Brown, David Bowie,

Dick Van Dyke and Cab Calloway.

(MJ is still the best at it though.)

.

.

.

===========================================

.

Just Thought Of A Great Owl Joke, But I Can’t Use It Until 2/8/20.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Yes, once again the clue was in the title, pun day.

Contrary to rumors on the internet puns have not been cancelled. Resistance is futile. 

So brace yourselves or whatever it is that you usually do.

But enjoy!

.

.

I complained to the furniture store after a sofa I ordered

was dumped in the stairwell of my apartment block.

They said I need to take it up with the delivery man.

furniture-delivery

.

.

My friend Max hates going up steep hills.

He’s always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.

steep hill

.

.

What idiot invented fire blankets?

You’d think fire was hot enough…

fire blanket

.

.

I was stood at a barberque the other day,

Yep, 30 minutes I waited for a haircut.

barbercue

.

.

George made himself a girlfriend out of plastic food wrap.

He said she was a bit clingy.

clingy

.

.

I’ll tell you a couple of things that make me jump.

My legs.

jump

.

.

A neighbor was molested by his priest when he was a kid,

It’s quite a touching story.

Abusing Priests

.

.

I’ve just been banned from an online fashion forum.

Apparently my threads weren’t cool enough.

phillip-lim-ss-2012

.

.

The best thing about being single is sleeping around.

You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours:

left, right, middle, whatever.

cartoon-bed-6

.

.

The wife finally finished writing her

book about cooking with herbs.

It’s about thyme.

thyme-rubbed-pork-chops-with-pesto

.

.

I can beat anybody in a fight with only one hand.

It’s the two-handed blokes who beat the crap out of me.

one arm man applauds

.

.

Bono came into my shop today to buy a cake.

I asked him, “What do you want on it?”

He said, “Icing”

I said, “I know that, but what do you want on your cake?”

bono

.

.

Police are searching for a thief who robs his victims

by threatening them with a lit match.

They want to catch him before he strikes again.

cartoon lit match

.

.

My Dad loves The Beatles and has all but one of the

original L.P. records with autographed sleeves.

I think he needs Help.

The Beatles Help Album

.

.

There are many advantages of visiting Switzerland.

I mean, even the flag itself is a big plus.

swiss-flag

.

.

I was lying in bed and I thought,

“I’ve gotta start telling the truth.”

lying in bed

.

.

I said, “I’ve locked my keys in my car and my children are inside.”

My neighbor said, “Do you have a spare set?”

I said, “Yeah, I’ve got two sons with my ex-wife.”

man-looking-into-car-keys-locked-in-ignition

.

.

For sale.

Modified DeLorean DMC-12.

No timewasters.

bttf-delorean

.

.

I got chatting to a lumberjack in a bar the other day.

He seemed like a decent feller.

lumberjack

.

.

I just bet on three horses called

Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times,

and none of them won.

I blame it on the bookie.

.


.

===============================

.

For Sale: Replica Fisherman’s Knife (Made To Scale).

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

First pun day of August folks.

The months may change but pun day is forever, or until I run out of puns whichever comes first.

So here are today’s selection.

I hope you enjoy them.

.

.

I’ve decided to take the day off today.

I’m just going to call it to.

day off cartoon

.

.

I’m in a heavy metal band.

I play lead.

lead_pb_periodic_table_169

.

.

I filled my car up with gasoline this morning.

Wish I hadn’t now, the seats are ruined.

gas fill

.

.

Is nothing built in America any more?

I got a new TV the other day and on the box it said

‘BUILT IN ANTENNA’.

built in antenna

.

.

My garden is only 36 inches wide.

More like a yard.

yard

.

.

My grandfather is a Cold War veteran

He can’t afford to put the heating on.

grandpa

.

.

It’s not hard getting to work in the snow,

you just need a bit of grit.

true grit

.

.

My neighbor just showed me his new wind turbine.

I was blown away,

wind turbines

.

.

Well the judge said that from now on

I can only see my children with supervision.

I said why, how far away will they be?

super-vision

.

.

I dropped my cell phone in the bath yesterday.

I said to my wife, “My phone is finished”.

She said, “It might still work, have you tried ringing it?”

I said, “Yes, but not much water is coming out”.

cell-phone-dropped-in-water

.

.

I just bought an alcoholic ginger beer.

He wasn’t pleased.

alcohol_cartoon

.

.

Sometimes I enjoy my steak under cooked,

Of course, that’s rare.

barney-rubble-steak

.

.

I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

butler-cartoon

.

.

In class today the teacher gave me a square piece of paper

and asked if I could turn it into an octagon.

“Sure,” I said. “I’ll have it done for next week, sir.”

“No, I need it now,” was the reply.

“Okay, I’ll have to cut a few corners though.”

octagon

.

.

I was chatting to a couple of girls today.

I said, “Give me your numbers and we can go out for a drink sometime”.

One of the girls said, “Okay, give us two secs.”

I said, “No problem, that’s exactly what I had in mind.”

two girls

.

.

I’ve invented a device called a ‘base-ball.’

I’m thinking of pitching it on Shark Tank.

shark tank

.

.

I walked past some joggers in the park today.

They weren’t very fast.

joggers

.

.

I was at the observatory the other day.

The astronomer said to me, “Look at this massive star!”

I replied, “Actually, that’s a cluster of stars, if it’s any constellation.”

observatory

.

.

I went to the Natural History Museum and

saw the two bees that Noah took with him.

They were in the archives.

noah-ark-cartoon

.

.

Now, for the final trick, I’m going to turn this

Grandfather clock to one hundredth of its original size…

Watch….

grandfather clocks

.

==============================

.

Did They Really Mean To Say That? Newspaper Headlines Nightmares, Part Four!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Newspapers are a constant source of amusement.

Sometimes they do it on purpose, but more often than not they do it completely by mistake.

Even worse, they do it while trying to be terribly pompous and precise.

Enjoy this fourth selection in our short series of Newspaper Headline Nightmares!

.

.

np_laxative

.

.

.

np_localwinnersatdogshow

.

.

.

np_mancanbedeclaredinsane

.

.

.

np_manwith8duis

.

.

.

np_midgetsues

.

.

.

np_miraclecure

.

.

.

np_missingteenfoundinColon

.

.

.

np_nativestudentswellendowed

.

.

.

np_newsickpolicy

.

.

.

np_onearmedman

.

.

.

np_oneinforkidsdropsout

.

.

.

np_our44stpresident

.

.

.

np_owneradmitslying

.

.

.

np_planeslandatairports

.

.

==========================================

.