I Just Knew I Was Going To Get Thrown Out Of The Optimism Society.

 “Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And if you were an optimist who thought there would be no puns in June, then your membership of the society is in doubt too.

Here’s the latest batch.

Enjoy or endure!

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Some people have a way with words,

others not have way.

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My friend received an email yesterday asking him

to send trouser zips to the address provided.

I told him to ignore it,

it sounds like they are fly phishing.

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I thought growing my own lettuce would be difficult

but it was quite easy in the end.

It’s not rocket science.

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A policeman asked me to come down

to the station for an interview.

I haven’t even applied for a job there.

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This linguistics professor was lecturing the class.

“In English,” he explained, “a double negative forms a positive.

In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.”

“However,” the professor continued, “there is no language wherein

a double positive can form a negative.”

Immediately, a voice from the back of the room piped up:

“Yeah….. right….”

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I remember when my parents died,

all they left me was a globe.

It meant the world to me….

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If I had a billion pounds

for every time I underestimated…

I would be a millionaire.

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My mate Steven, who shares the same name as me,

thought it was funny to erase the letters ‘St’ from my pencil case.

So, during break, I did the same to his.

Now we’re even.

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My father worked in a steel fabrication plant.

They didn’t produce anything,

they just said they did.

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Jimmy: “Can I ask you a question?”

Ted: “Sure, what is it?”

Jimmy: “It’s an interrogative statement, used to test knowledge.”

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I have no idea what the opposite of imagination is.

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After hearing my son saying,

“I want to be good with acoustic,”

I decided to buy him a guitar.

Turns out he wanted a pool cue.

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The Internet now has the second largest collection of jokes in the world…

The House of Representatives is still hanging on to the top spot.

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I told my mum I was going out for a walk.

She said, “How long will you be gone?”

I said, “Probably the whole time”

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Look, at the end of the day

….. it’s night!

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Oh How I Love These Puns. I Think I Have Found My Nietzsche!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, pun day again. For all of you who love (and hate) puns or word play.

Today we are starting off on the topical subject of employment, but there are plenty of other subjects that get the pun treatment as well.

Enjoy (even if you are pretending not to).

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My first job was working in an orange juice factory,

but I got canned

I just couldn’t concentrate.

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Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,

but I just couldn’t hack it,

so they gave me the axe.

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After that I tried to be a tailor,

but I just wasn’t suited for it.

The job was only so-so anyhow.

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Next I tried working in a muffler factory,

but that was exhausting.

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I wanted to be a barber,

but I just couldn’t cut it.

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I attempted to be a deli worker,

but any way I sliced it,

I couldn’t cut the mustard.

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My best job was being a musician,

but eventually I found I wasn’t note worthy.

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I studied a long time to become a doctor,

but I didn’t have any patience.

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Next was a job in a shoe factory;

but it just wasn’t the right fit.

 

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I became a professional fisherman,

but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

 

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I thought about becoming a witch,

so I tried that for a spell.

 

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I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company,

but the work was just too draining.

 

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After many years of trying to find steady work,

I finally got a job as a historian,

until I realized there was no future in it.

 

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My last job was working at Starbucks,

but I had to quit,

because it was always the same old grind.

 

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If you get sick at the airport

you may have a terminal illness.

 

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Peter won’t fly on virgin airlines

he says he won’t go with anything

that doesn’t go all the way!

 

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You may be an American outside the bathroom,

but inside, European.

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Do you know any puns about electricity?

About watt?

 

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A woman asked me for an example of a double entendre

…. so I gave her one….

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