What Do I Think Of Message Boards? I’m Forum!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And I’m for punny jokes too.

The worse, the better.

Here’s some more.

Enjoy or endure!

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Downloading digital audio has completely revolutionized our lives.

It’s the biggest change in the way we buy music since records began.

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I went to the doctors today

about my addiction to astrology.

He said “What are the signs?”

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For Sale:

Grandfather clock

– only one part missing.

Second hand.

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My wife asked me to fix a

plug for her this morning.

I refused.

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Did you hear about the guy who 

trashed a Chinese restaurant?

He’s being charged with

Wonton Destruction.

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I looked up ‘Opaque’ in the dictionary today.

The definition was not very clear.

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Scientists who were against genetic engineering

have managed to cross a seagull with a sheep,

which is a massive ewe tern.

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I bought a belt made entirely from five dollar bills.

It was a waist of money.

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What is a group of deaf people called?

I bet it’s not a herd.

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To help change her appearance my missus

has started using clay facials with cucumber slices

over her eyes and her hair in rollers.

It helps, but I can still tell it’s her.

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I got stopped by a policeman

while I was driving along the road.

I stopped, opened the window and he said

“This is a spot check.”

So I replied

“I’ve got 2 blackheads and a boil on my bottom!”

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Fibonacci numbers.

It’s as easy as 1, 1, 2, 3.

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I hate the local debating group.

They discussed me.

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So; if men are from Mars

and women are from Venus,

do gay men come from Uranus?

(Oh oh, that’s going to offend somebody!)

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We used to call the printer in the office ‘Bob Marley’.

It was always jammin!

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Have You Noticed, Winzip Files Are Becoming Rar These Days.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A little nerdy pun in the title to set the tone for today, because it’s another Pun Day.

Some more plays on words, which you will either….

Enjoy or endure!

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I was thinking of getting a tattoo on my palm

On the other hand I might not bother.

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I’m giving away a free gate.

Honestly, there’s no catch.

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A Rastafarian just gave my friend a haircut.

He looks dreadful.

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Just been thinking, Hooters should do a home delivery service.

They could call it Knockers.

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Whenever anybody asks what I do.

I tell them I’m a Thai boxer, to make myself sound hard.

Sounds better than telling them

I pack men’s neckwear in a warehouse.

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I find it difficult to count in

Roman numerals until the number 159.

Then it just CLIX.

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If you’d like to know more about bulimia,

just do a Google search and see what it throws up.

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I used to live in a tire, but it got a puncture.

Now I just live in a flat.

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Statistically speaking,

the word “duck” is 75% obscene.

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To those men who whinge and whine

saying it’s too hard to cultivate apples,

I say, “Grow a pear.”

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I want to thank my friend, who looked up

“Agglomeration” for me in the dictionary.

It means a lot.

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Do you think that a Clairvoyants meeting has

ever been cancelled due to unforeseen events.

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I’ve written a book about

an Apartment block for Midgets.

It’s a collection of short storeys.

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My Korean friend died last week.

So Yung…

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Apparently Matt Damon believes in two things:

Sequels, and reincarnation.

Basically, he thinks he’ll be Bourne again.

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Hey, I Just Realized That Nothing In The Dictionary Begins With An ‘N’.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The clue is always in the title.

If you haven’t guessed already, welcome to the first pun day of 2014.

Well, somebody has to stick up for the mighty word play, so it might as well be me.

Love to hate or hate to love here is this year’s first selection – the first of many I hope!

Enjoy.

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I got a new reversible jacket for Christmas.

I’m excited to see how it turns out.

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Whenever I have had a bad day I console myself

by playing with my Playstation.

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Jamaican newspapers have asserted

that certain strains of marijuana can cure migraines.

Clearly propaganja.

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I took part in a bondage contest last night.

I was tied third.

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I think the people at Apple are so lucky.

They still get paid even after they’ve lost their jobs.

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Our little boy was rushed to hospital at the weekend,

after he’d swallowed some Scrabble tiles.

They’ve given him laxatives but as of yet,

there hasn’t been a word out of him.

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I suppose you could say that a voyeur

was a peep hole person.

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When I was a kid I once thought I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian.

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Me and the wife were at the hardware store choosing a new kitchen.

She asked me, “Do you reckon we could fit that sink in the car?”

Stupid woman, doesn’t she know cars don’t have any plumbing?

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I went to a theme park that had the world’s largest pool table.

The cues were massive.

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Say what you will about Columbus,

but he did put America on the map.

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My wife is a vet and a great cook.

But I refuse to eat anything that she puts down in front of me.

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When they eventually colonize Mars

there’s going to be another housing bubble.

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Although it seemed to go on forever

Magnum PI only solved 3.14 crimes.

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“You ok Dave?”

“I’m not sure…

my Doctor did a rectal exam on me this morning.”

“Oh right. Prostate?”

“No, bent over his desk.”

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Golf: Putting The Putting Into Putting!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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As if you didn’t know from the title – it’s pun day again!

More word play jokes to be enjoyed or endured depending on your taste.

Try them out.

And enjoy!

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My wife and I were happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

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I went for an audition the other day.

They were casting 13 people to be clouds.

14 showed up.

It was overcast.

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Billy: “Did you that movie yesterday where

the actress that was stabbed by a psycho?

Reese…what’s her name?”

Tommy: “Witherspoon?”

Billy: “No with a knife.”

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Have you ever had an accident at work?

Yes, my secretary is pregnant.

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Rats are under rated.

Just check your dictionary.

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I woke up this morning and there was a bloke stealing my gate.

I didn’t want to say anything in case he took a fence.

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The fattest man in Britain has recently relocated

from Bath to Poole as he ‘needs more living space’.

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Some terms are really misleading.

I went into the changing room several times.

It was still the same.

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I used to feed gorillas at the Zoo from a distance using a golf club.

I’d drive them bananas.

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I was asked to describe my life in a nut shell.

“Very dark and cramped,” I replied.

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I lost my watch earlier.

I would have looked for it but I didn’t have the time.

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My friend Daniel wouldn’t believe me when

I told him that his name was an anagram.

He’s in denial.

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I was going to start taking self defense lessons

but I decided on a math class instead.

I’m a firm believer there’s safety in numbers.

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I saw a billboard on the way to work this

morning that read “Future Events.”

Well, that’s a sign of things to come.

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A Zulu walking through the jungle comes across a pygmy standing over a dead lion.

“Did you kill that lion?” asks the Zulu.

“Yeah, I beat it to death with my club,” the pygmy replies.

“Wow, you must have a big club,” says the Zulu.

“Yes,” replies the pygmy. “There’s about thirty of us.” 

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The Primary Responsibility For A Child’s Education Is Apparent.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, that’s right, The primary responsibility for a child’s education is apparent.

But everyone’s education would not be complete without a healthy dose of puns.

Always here to help, here’s today’s selection.

Enjoy!

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I went into a fancy dress shop and asked the woman

working there if they had any ghost costumes.

She said “We don’t sell those, I’m afraid.”

Stupid woman. They’re not that scary.

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ABC NEWS:

French Chef commits suicide after critic’s attack.

After further investigation it turns out

he simply lost the huile d’olive.

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I went to a really posh school.

In fact, the school was so posh that the Gym was called James.

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I have a friend who’s half Indian.

Ian.

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Cleavage is the only thing that you can look down on

and approve of at the same time.

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My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.

She said, “I’m sick of it. You actually believe that you’re a Transformer.

It’s stupid. I’ve had enough and I’m leaving you.”

I said, “But, Baby, I can change.”

She said, “There you go again!”

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I put a couple of ‘t’s in my beer last night.

I think it made it better.

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Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?

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I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my bedroom.

You know, to make it more classy.

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I was only young when I learned to count.

It was odd at first, even then.

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In a cave, I found pictures of women’s breasts,

but when I picked them up, a giant net fell on me.

Damn booby trap.

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I make £1,000,000 a month cleaning Windows.

I invented Norton Anti-virus.

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My parents gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday yesterday.

I couldn’t find the words to thank them.

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I never let my children watch big band performances on TV.

Too much sax and violins.

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There’s one thing I can’t stand when I’m drunk.

Up!

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Einstein eventually developed a theory about space.

And it was about time too.

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I’m so broke at the moment that all I can

afford to eat are herbs my mate has lent me.

I’m living on borrowed thyme.

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I’ve just seen a group on Facebook called, ‘I hate feet’.

Obviously these people are fans of the metric system.

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Talking to her about computer hardware,

makes my mother board.

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My wife has packed her bags and gone –

just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I’m feeling cannelloni right now.

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Things Your Grand-kids Will Probably Never Know

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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We all happen to be living during a time when there are great advances and changes being made in the way we live our lives. Some of them are to our benefit, other not so much so.

Politically and financially the world is in turmoil. There is an accelerating and inevitable shift of power and influence towards the east, with former great powers like Britain and America declining in their influence and their economic might.

Perhaps that is a natural phenomenon, after all as they say “every dog has its day”, but I happen to believe that a lot of it is due to stupidity and mismanagement allied with a self-defeating philosophy that the west somehow has a duty to police the world and to create nanny states for its citizens where they will neither have to work nor want.

Technologically there have also been many changes and many more to come. During the past twenty years with the advent and growth of the internet everything has changed, from the way we interact socially, to how and where we work, and how we manage our affairs whether that be banking, shopping or whatever.

What a lot of these changes mean is that future generations will have no idea of how our lives used to be. Already many of us who have lived through the changes have forgotten how we used to have to do things. What would it be like trying to explain the ‘old days’ to a generation with absolutely no point of reference to the world we were born into?

To remind you of how it used to be here is a list of some of things we have known and lost, consigned to the rubbish bin of history. Feel free to add your own items to this list of things that your grand-kids will probably never know.

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Libraries as a place to get books rather than a place to use the internet.

Dewey Decimal System

Finding books in a card catalog at the library.

A physical dictionary — either for spelling or definitions.

Reference books such as phone books, encyclopaedias

Finding out information from an encyclopedia.

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Having to manually unlock a car door.

Looking out the window during a long drive.

Using a road atlas to get from A to B.

Getting lost in a world without GPS.

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Being able to add and subtract without a calculator

Long division and multiplication

Trig tables and log tables.

Slide rules

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House phones

Phone books and Yellow Pages.

Rotary-dial telephones.

Pay phones.

Phones with actual bells in them.

Answering machines.

Fax machines.

Not knowing who was calling you on the phone.

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Super-8 movies and cine film of all kinds.

Betamax tapes.

Video tapes and renting movies

Inserting a VHS tape into a VCR to watch a movie or to record something.

Laserdiscs.

8-track cartridges.

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Casette Tapes

Vinyl records. Even today’s DJs are going laptop or CD.

CDs and DVDs

Playing music on an audio tape using a personal stereo.

Taping songs off the radio

A Walkman.

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Rotary tuners that scanned the radio dial and hearing static between stations as you went through the ether.

Shortwave radio.

CB radios.

Rotary dial televisions with no remote control. You know, the ones where the kids were the remote control.

Waiting for the television-network premiere to watch a movie after its run at the theater.

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DOS.

The buzz of a dot-matrix printer

5- and 3-inch floppies, Zip Discs and countless other forms of data storage.

Booting your computer off of a floppy disk.

Tweaking the volume setting on your tape deck to get a computer game to load, and waiting ages for it to actually do it.

Counting in kilobytes.

Joysticks.

Having to delete something to make room on your hard drive.

Waiting several minutes (or even hours!) to download something.

When a ‘geek’ and a ‘nerd’ were one and the same.

NCSA Mosaic.

Netscape

Alta Vista

Being able to get a domain name consisting of real words.

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Cash.

Writing a check.

Doing bank business only when the bank is open.

Shopping only during the day, Monday to Saturday.

Being able to buy something in Walmart that isn’t made in China

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Privacy.

Being able to take a drive or walk down the street without being surveilled on numerous cameras

Not knowing exactly what all of your friends are doing and thinking at every moment.

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Carrying on a correspondence with real letters, especially the handwritten kind.

Neat handwriting.

Spelling

Grammar

The fact that words generally don’t have num8er5 in them.

Typewriters.

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Putting film in your camera

Sending that film away to be processed.

Having physical prints of photographs come back to you.

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Vacuum cleaners with bags in them.

Ashtrays

Roller skates, as opposed to blades.

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PUN: A Play On Words….

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I looked in the dictionary for today’s post.

It said, PUN: a play on words; the humorous use of a word or phrase so as to emphasize or suggest its different meanings or applications; the use of words that are alike or nearly alike in sound but different in meaning.

And, do you know, it was right.

Enjoy!

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I’ve never been to our basement.

I think it’s is beneath me

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Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

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First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.

Funny sense of humor my plumber has.

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When I was younger my Grandma used to rub lard into my Grandpa’s back when he was ill.

He went down hill fast after that.

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I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue.

I couldn’t put it down.

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I went in to a pet shop.

I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?”

The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

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Just seen a sign outside the hardware store:

“Stainless Steel Sinks”.

Bit obvious, I thought.

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I went to the Video Shop the other day.

I said, “Can I take out Batman Forever?”

They said, “No, you have to bring it back tomorrow.”

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God is talking to one of his angels.

He says, “Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth.”

“What are you going to do now?” asks the angel.

“Call it a day,” says God.

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A Freudian slip is one where you say one thing but mean a mother.

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I recently took up meditation.

It beats sitting around doing nothing.

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I was chopping up carrots with the Grim Reaper yesterday…

….You could say I was dicing with death.

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I went to the doctors.

He said, “You’ve got hypochondria.”

I said, “Oh no, not that as well.”

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My dog is a blacksmith.

Every time I open the front door he makes a bolt for it.

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I don’t understand how people call me homophobic.

I love my house.

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Did you hear about the guy that trashed a Chinese restaurant?

He’s being charged with Wonton Destruction.

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It’s Anagram Sunday Again!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It’s anagram Sunday again, folks.

Time for another selection of those hidden meaning word puzzles.

Enjoy.

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‘car has’ 

a crash

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‘circumstantial evidence’ 

can ruin a selected victim

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‘coins kept’ 

in pockets

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‘confessional’ 

on scale of sin

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‘dictionary’ 

indicatory

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‘fingertips’ 

finest grip

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‘fir cones’ 

conifers

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‘flamethrower’ 

oh, felt warmer

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‘George Bush’ 

he bugs Gore

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‘goodbye ‘

obey God

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‘Halley’s Comet’ 

shall yet come

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‘I run to escape’ 

a persecution

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‘ipod lover ‘

poor devil

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‘Jennifer Aniston’ 

fine in torn jeans

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‘listen’ 

silent

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