Astronomy Is Looking Up.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Astronomy is indeed looking up and so is today now that you’ve realized it’s Pun Day.

Lots more word play below, so…

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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My friends say

I always contradict them,

but I disagree.

 contradiction buttons

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I applied for a loan,

but the bank had zero percent interest.

 zero percent interest

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For every action,

there is a social media over-reaction.

 social media over-reaction

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I went to the museum and saw a Van Gogh painting.

Underneath it said “Loaned anonymously.”

I went to the front desk and said,

“I’d like my Van Gogh back now, please.”

 Van Gogh painting

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Quantum mechanics:

The dreams stuff is made of.

 Quantum mechanics

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I was a whisker away from finding

an entire utensil set yesterday.

 whisker

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Pyongyang

– the only capital city that sounds

like a ricochet sound effect

from an old fashioned Western.

 Pyongyang

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My friend has just had surgery.

‘Surgery’ being the operative word.

 surgery cartoon

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I was playing scrabble with my dad

when he spelled the word “stneve”.

It was an unexpected turn of events.

 scrabble

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Do deaf mathematicians

speak in sine language?

 deaf mathematicians

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They say when a man meets the right woman,

he is complete.

They say when a man meets the wrong woman,

he is finished.

They say when the right woman

meets the wrong woman with the man,

he is completely finished.

 man meets the right woman

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Stupidity is not a handicap.

Park elsewhere.

handicap parking space

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I Can’t Believe Pretzels Are Knot Bread.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Get it?

Pretzels, knot bread?

Never mind. Time to unravel a few more word plays.

It’s Pun Day.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Here’s a good one for you,

Good one.

good one

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I went to the museum to feed the animals

But they were all stuffed

stuffed animals in museum

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Those disposable cameras

are a complete con.

Now I have absolutely no record

of a perfectly lovely holiday.

 

disposable cameras.

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My girlfriend said she was going to

leave me because of my obsession with

pointing out inanimate objects…

So I showed her the door.

man pointing

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My son has been asked

to sign for his local team.

To be honest,

I never knew they were deaf.

boy with foorball

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Cadbury’s have brought out

a new box of chocolates

for inconsiderate people.

They’re self centered.

Cadbury's

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I run a business selling tiny models

of Buddha and Mohammed.

Sales aren’t the best but

I’m making small prophets.

tiny model of buddha

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Everyone’s blaming me for the

animal noises on the video conference at work.

Seems I’ve been made into a Skypegoat.

skype_logo

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The English language

is the best in the world.

It just has a certain…

je ne sais quoi.

je ne sais quoi

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My family abandoned me,

my ex-girlfriend took everything I own,

and my children hate me

all because of my constant optimism.

Still, it could be worse.

optimism

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My wife asked me for a

new wardrobe last Christmas,

so I got her one.

Turns out she just wanted clothes

new wardrobe

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I’m looking forward

to my dirty weekend.

Wash the car,

clean the garden,

take rubbish out……

dirty weekend

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I got water trapped in my ears

after having a shower this morning.

It was a near deaf experience.

water trapped in my ears

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If you like women

as well as the next man

you’re probably bi-sexual.

Bisexual!

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What’s the temperature in Motown ?

Three degrees, four tops…

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The Primary Responsibility For A Child’s Education Is Apparent.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, that’s right, The primary responsibility for a child’s education is apparent.

But everyone’s education would not be complete without a healthy dose of puns.

Always here to help, here’s today’s selection.

Enjoy!

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I went into a fancy dress shop and asked the woman

working there if they had any ghost costumes.

She said “We don’t sell those, I’m afraid.”

Stupid woman. They’re not that scary.

ghost-towel

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ABC NEWS:

French Chef commits suicide after critic’s attack.

After further investigation it turns out

he simply lost the huile d’olive.

huile-d-olive

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I went to a really posh school.

In fact, the school was so posh that the Gym was called James.

gym cartoon

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I have a friend who’s half Indian.

Ian.

half indian

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Cleavage is the only thing that you can look down on

and approve of at the same time.

cleavage

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My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.

She said, “I’m sick of it. You actually believe that you’re a Transformer.

It’s stupid. I’ve had enough and I’m leaving you.”

I said, “But, Baby, I can change.”

She said, “There you go again!”

Transformer

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I put a couple of ‘t’s in my beer last night.

I think it made it better.

BeerBetter

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Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?

air and space museum

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I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my bedroom.

You know, to make it more classy.

school desk

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I was only young when I learned to count.

It was odd at first, even then.

cartoon-numbers-set

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In a cave, I found pictures of women’s breasts,

but when I picked them up, a giant net fell on me.

Damn booby trap.

booby_traps_by_vmv_81-d3ickn1

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I make £1,000,000 a month cleaning Windows.

I invented Norton Anti-virus.

Norton

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My parents gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday yesterday.

I couldn’t find the words to thank them.

dictionary

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I never let my children watch big band performances on TV.

Too much sax and violins.

sax_and_violins

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There’s one thing I can’t stand when I’m drunk.

Up!

drunk

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Einstein eventually developed a theory about space.

And it was about time too.

albert_einstein_328565

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I’m so broke at the moment that all I can

afford to eat are herbs my mate has lent me.

I’m living on borrowed thyme.

thyme

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I’ve just seen a group on Facebook called, ‘I hate feet’.

Obviously these people are fans of the metric system.

metric-system-copyright-Allan-Inman

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Talking to her about computer hardware,

makes my mother board.

motherboard

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My wife has packed her bags and gone –

just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I’m feeling cannelloni right now.

pasta

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Smart Thieves And Stupid Police – The Ideal Recipe For The Perfect Crime

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Just as a bit of a contrast to yesterday’s post, today I have ten stories, which are either about thieves who were smart enough to get away with it, or police who were too dumb to catch them.

The readers can make up their own minds.

Enjoy.

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1. Double Trouble

On Feb 25, 2009, three masked robbers boldly busted into Kaufhaus Des Westens, the second largest department store in Europe.

Via a rope ladder, the men were able to enter and ransack the main floor without tripping any sensors or alarms.

But what may have been a fatal error – leaving behind a single glove – ended up creating a bizarre situation.

DNA found on the glove matched TWO people: identical twins identified as Hassan and Abbas O.

German law however requires that each person be individually convicted and because their DNA is so similar, neither can be exclusively pinned to the evidence.

German police were forced to set them both free, and the third man has yet to be found.

identical twins - how do you tell them apart?
identical twins – how do you tell them apart?

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2. The World’s Most Famous Fugitive

No, it’s not the one about Dr Richard Kimble trying to hunt down the one-armed man, although many readers may well be familiar with this story too which is about probably the world’s most famous fugitive.

On the night before Thanksgiving, November 24, 1971, a passenger by the name of Dan Cooper boarded a plane in Portland, OR bound for Seattle.

Clad in a suit and raincoat, wearing dark glasses and carrying a briefcase, he sat silently in the back of the plane. After calmly lighting a cigarette (yes smoking was permitted in airplanes in those days), he ordered a whiskey from the stewardess and then handed her a note.

It read, ‘I HAVE A BOMB IN MY BRIEFCASE. I WILL USE IT IF NECESSARY. I WANT YOU TO SIT NEXT TO ME. YOU ARE BEING HIJACKED.’

He demanded $200,000 and four parachutes delivered to him in Seattle.

When the plane landed, he released all the passengers, save for the pilot, co-pilot, and stewardess.

Once the money was delivered in the middle of the brightly-lit tarmac, Cooper demanded the pilot take off for Mexico, flying at an altitude of 10,000 feet.

Shortly after takeoff, over the mountains northwest of Portland, the six-foot-tall Cooper strapped on a parachute and jumped.

He was never heard from again.

Did he survive?

In 1980, roughly $6000 was found of the money in bundles on a beach, but no signs of a body.

The case remains open and is the only unsolved crime in US aviation history.

The Fugitive - The Illusive Dan Cooper
The Fugitive – The Illusive Dan Cooper

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3. Cops And Robbers – Boston Style

On March 18, 1990, the day after Saint Patrick’s Day, policemen arrived at the door of the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum in Boston, claiming to have received a call about a disturbance.

Breaking protocol, the security officer let them in.

One of the men said he had a warrant for the guard’s arrest, and they convinced him to step away from his post.

Bad move: the “policemen” were really criminals in disguise, and they quickly handcuffed him and ordered him to call the other guard to the front, who was also subdued.

The thieves absconded with 13 paintings, including masterworks by Rembrandt, Vermeer, and Degas, worth a third of a billion dollars.

To this date, no one has been arrested in conjunction with the crime, nor have the paintings ever been recovered.

Robbers dressed as cops - would they fool you?
Robbers dressed as cops – would they fool you?

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4. Cops And Robbers – Japanese Style

On December 10, 1968, in Tokyo, Japan, a Nihon Shintaku Ginko Bank car, transporting 300 million Yen ($817,000 US) in its trunk, was pulled over by a policeman on a motorcycle, who warned them of a bomb planted underneath.

Since there had already been bomb threats against the bank, the four passengers exited the vehicle as the uniformed patrolman inspected below the car.

Moments later, smoke and flames could be seen under the vehicle, causing the men to run for cover.

Of course, it turned out the smoke was from a flare and the cop was a phony.

He jumped in the car and sped off with the loot.

Even though there were 120 pieces of evidence, 110,000 suspects and 170,000 police investigators, the man was never caught.

In 1975, the statute of limitations ended, and in 1988 all civil liabilities were voided, but still no one ‘fessed up.

man under car
man under car

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5. Diamonds Are Forever – Unless Someone Steals Them

The largest diamond heist in history was stolen from the world’s most impenetrable vault, located in Antwerp, Belgium.

Two floors below the Diamond Centre, it was protected by a lock with 100 million possible combinations, as well as heat/motion sensors, radar, magnetic fields, and a private security force.

However, on the weekend of Feb 15, using a series of moves that would make Danny Ocean jealous, the thieves were able to silently enter the vault, bust open the safe deposit boxes, and make off with the glittering loot.

And although the purported ring leader Leonardo Notarbartolo was caught and sentenced to 10 years, he has since been released on parole.

Notarbartolo claimed in an interview in Wired Magazine that the true take was only $20 million and was part of a larger conspiracy involving insurance fraud.

Whatever — the loot was never recovered.

Diamonds are forever - sometimes!
Diamonds are forever – sometimes!

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6. The Disappearing $million

On Friday October 7, 1977, before Columbus Day Weekend, a bank worker counted $4 million dollars in cash and stored it in a locked money cart within a heavily guarded vault, two floors below the Chicago First National Bank.

Then poof!

Tuesday morning, the money is counted again, and exactly $1 million dollars – in $50 and $100 dominations and weighing over 80 pounds – had vanished into thin air.

In 1981, $2300 of the money showed up in a drug raid, but otherwise both the perpetrators and the cash are still at large.

cash pile
cash pile

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7. The Pink Panthers

The winner for boldest burglary goes to the perpetrators of the so-called Harry Winston Heist.

On December 4, 2008, four men, three of whom wore long blonde wigs and disguised themselves as women, charmed their way into the famous Harry Winston Paris jewelry store just before closing time.

Once inside, they brandished a .357 revolver and a hand grenade and began their pillaging.

Less than 15 minutes later they escaped with diamonds, rubies, and emeralds worth an estimated $108 million US.

Investigators believe it to be the work of the notorious Serbian criminal gang The Pink Panthers, responsible for $132 million in robberies around the world.

They have never been caught.

Obviously the police needed Inspector Clouseau on the case.

Inspector Clouseau
Inspector Clouseau

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8. Tucker Cross Or Double Cross?

The Tucker Cross, was named after diver Teddy Tucker who, in 1955, recovered it from the 1594 wreck of the San Pedro.

It was a 22-karat gold cross embedded with sparkling green emeralds and considered priceless.

Nonetheless, Tucker sold it to the Government of Bermuda for an undisclosed sum.

In 1975, the Cross was moved to the Bermuda Museum of Art to be displayed for Queen Elizabeth II.

No one knows when or how, but during this transition, a clever thief replaced the original with a cheap plastic replica.

Presumably, this historical artifact was melted down, stripped of its jewels, and funneled into the Black Market.

The Tucker Cross
The Tucker Cross

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9. Fancy A Brazilian?

No, nothing to do with Kim Kardashian or the netherlands. This happened in 2005, in Fortaleza, Brazil at the Banco Central, when a gang of enterprising thieves managed to carry off one of the biggest heists of all time. 

This heist was the result of painstaking planning by a small gang of burglars who tunneled over 250 feet to the bank’s vault from a nearby property.

The robbers used a landscaping business as a front that allowed them to move massive amounts of dirt and rock without looking suspicious.

The tunnel was expertly constructed and had sophisticated lighting and even an air conditioning system.

After three months of digging, the thieves finally broke into the vault and made off with what was equivalent to $70 million dollars.

Since then, police have made a number of arrests in connection with the burglary and recovered roughly $9 million dollars of the haul, but the majority of the suspects are still at large.

Part of the tunnel at the Banco Central - the police are looking into it!
Part of the tunnel at the Banco Central  –  the police are looking into it!

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10. The Thieves Of Baghdad

On July 11th, 2007 in Baghdad a private financial institution, Dar Es Salaam, was robbed by two, or possibly three guards.

They got away with a third of a billion in cash, all US bills.

Perhaps the bank itself did not want people to start wondering where, how, and why it had so much cash at hand, so they have kept mum and there has been minimal press.

But somewhere, the successful thieves are laughing all the way from this bank.

The Thieves Of Baghdad
The Thieves Of Baghdad

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