I Love Grandfather Clocks. Big Time!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And I love puns as well.

So brace yourselves for another selection of word plays.

Enjoy or endure!!

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It pains me to say it,

but I have a sore throat

 

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There was a knock at the door this morning,

so I opened it and there was a basin on the doorstep.

I thought, “I’d better let this sink in.”

 

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For the record I bought

a vinyl cleaning machine

 

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Having just punched a midget selling watches,

I know I’ve hit an all time low.

 

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Are there any fat people in Finland?

 

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Have you ever wondered what the

word for ‘dot’ looks like in braille?

 

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My girlfriend broke up with me

because of my obsession with puzzles.

There were a lot of cross words

 

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I can’t undo wrongs.

But I can write them.

 

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A friend dared me to steal a

flat-bottomed boat from the river.

I thought, “Why not. I’ll take a punt.”

 

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Everyone loved the baker.

He had a massive flan base.

 

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I don’t regard being a toastmaster a job,

it’s more a calling.

 

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The ten largest baseball stadiums hold

between 46,000 – 56,000 people.

Just some ballpark figures for you.

 

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My girlfriend asked me what I’d do with my life if I lost her.

I said it would be like breaking a pencil.

She said, “Do you mean it would be pointless?”

I said, “No, I’d just go out and buy another one.”

 

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I’ve just bought some ghost-shaped laxative tablets.

They scare the crap out of me.

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Just Been On Holiday In The South Of France….. It Was Nice!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A nice holiday in Nice, how nice.

Yes, pun day again folks.

Strap yourselves in and…..

Enjoy or endure!

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Working as a cake waiter at a wedding,

I saw the most beautiful girl from across the room.

I immediately took a fancy to her.

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What berries do fat people enjoy the most?

Cadburys!

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Guess what is in the middle of nowhere…

‘h’

 

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I got bullied as a child for having glasses.

Every other kid in the neighborhood could only afford paper cups.

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A female police officer used a taser gun on me yesterday.

She was stunning.

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Two hours ago I told my kid to shut his mouth and eat his supper.

The poor boy is still sitting at the table trying to figure out how to do it.

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I was supposed to go for a job interview

as a camouflage expert last week.

I didn’t turn up, and I got the job!

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Did you hear the one about the depressed frog?

He wanted to kermit suicide.

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I caught my wife with another man last night.

Don’t worry though, it’s a trapeze act.

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I accidently left an apple outside my local Doctor’s surgery.

Now I’m worried he won’t be able to get in.

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I’m considering becoming a mind reader.

What are your thoughts?

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I’ve just invented a machine that can immediately

tell you what condition a painting is in.

It’s state-of-the-art technology.

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When you type

“Missing medieval servant”  

into Google it comes up with

“Page not found”

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A man walked into a bar and ordered half a coke.

The barman said “OK”.

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I went into the music store earlier and asked the guy

behind the counter if they had anything by Run DMC.

“Walk this way,” he replied.

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Say What You Want, You Really Like ‘Em

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, some of you pretend not to, but come on, admit it, I know you really like these awful jokes dressed up as puns and word plays.

Here’s another lot for you to pretend to hate!

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Bill used to date an English teacher, but she dumped him.

She didn’t approve of his improper use of the colon.

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What’s better than seeing a woman wrestle?

Seeing her box.

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I had an appointment at the sperm bank today, but I had to call up to say I couldn’t come.

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I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

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I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like, 0mg!

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My girlfriend just said to me, “Did you know, butterflies only live for two days?”

I said, “Honey, I think that’s a myth.”

She said, “No, it’s definitely a butterfly.”

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I think jokes about fat people are horrible.

Don’t you think they have enough on their plate?

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I shot someone with a starting gun.

I’ve been charged with race crimes

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I got an e-mail saying ‘At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!’

I thought, “That’s just spam.”

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Capitalization is the difference between

“I helped my uncle Jack off a horse,”

and

“I helped my uncle jack off a horse.”

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Call it a hunch, but I’m pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.

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My brother came out of the closet today.

I knew I should have used a better lock.

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The other day I saw a man playing Dancing Queen on the Didgeridoo.

I thought, that’s Aboriginal.

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Happy New Year And Thirteen Questions To Start Off 2013

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Well, we made it. We have successfully traveled through time and here we are in 2013. Yippeee and all that.

So a very Happy New Year to one and all.

And to get us off to an easy start here are thirteen simple questions, well questions anyhow, to ease us into 2013.

Enjoy.

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If any word should be spelled the way it sounds it should be “phonetic”, so why isn’t it?

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And why is “abbreviation” such a long word?

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Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

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How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

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Why is experience always what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted?

 

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If a funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

 

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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

 

What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

 

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If the person who plays the piano is called a pianist, why is the person who drives a racecar not called a racist?

 

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Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out”?

 

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When you put ‘THE’ and ‘IRS’ together, it forms ‘THEIRS’. Coincidence? I think not?

 

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Why are rubber duckies yellow when most real duckies aren’t?

 

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Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

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Twenty-Four Thoughts To Get You Through Any Crisis

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Some situations in life or business or whatever call for a bit of creative thinking. “Thinking outside the box” is the trendy phrase that’s used. It means sometimes forgetting a lot of what we have learned or applying it a little differently.

If you ever find yourself in that kind of position some of these thoughts may help.

Enjoy.

 

 

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

 

You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

 

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

 

Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

 

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

 

Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

 

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

 

The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

 

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

 

Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

 

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

 

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

 

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

 

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

 

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

 

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

 

One-seventh of you life is spent on Wednesday.

 

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

 

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

 

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

 

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

 

This is as bad as it can get, but don’t bet on it.

 

Never wrestle with a pig:  You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

 

The trouble with life is, you’re halfway through it before you realize it’s a ‘do it yourself’ thing.

 

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