Shock Headline: Rising Numbers Are On The Increase.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

But no shock that today is another Pun Day!

Enjoy or endure!!

.

.

Just opened my Electric bill and my Water bill at the same time.

I was completely shocked.

.

. 

The man who invented Velcro has died.

RIP

.

.

Keifer Sutherland was held up by Homeland Security

when he flew into LA airport for the

filming of the first episode of a new TV series.

They asked him the purpose of his visit and he said,

“I’m here to shoot a pilot.”

.

. 

My great uncle was so stubborn,

when he died, he left a won’t.

.

. 

“You make a very good cuppa,” she said.

“It’s my special tea,” I replied.

.

. 

I fell down a really deep dark hole today.

I just couldn’t see that well.

.

. 

There are countless films without Dracula in them.

.

. 

Just read a really sad story about how

blind people get used to new surroundings…

Touching stuff.

.

. 

I’ve decided to stop wearing my glasses.

It makes me look harder.

.

. 

 A rule of grammar:

double negatives are a no-no.

.

. 

So here I am trekking through the woods……

hang on, bear with me

.

. 

Weighing an elephant is just like weighing a human.

But on a much bigger scale.

.

. 

I asked my boss if I could leave half an hour early the other day.

He said, ” Only if you make up the time.”

I said, ” OK. It’s 35 past 50.”         

.

. 

I work in McDonald’s and a customer was rude to me today,

so I got him back by not putting any Coke in his drink.

Just ice was served.         

.

. 

Brian May is a slightly more optimistic version of Brian Cant.         

.

.

================================================

.

 

The Primary Responsibility For A Child’s Education Is Apparent.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Yes, that’s right, The primary responsibility for a child’s education is apparent.

But everyone’s education would not be complete without a healthy dose of puns.

Always here to help, here’s today’s selection.

Enjoy!

.

.

I went into a fancy dress shop and asked the woman

working there if they had any ghost costumes.

She said “We don’t sell those, I’m afraid.”

Stupid woman. They’re not that scary.

.

.

ABC NEWS:

French Chef commits suicide after critic’s attack.

After further investigation it turns out

he simply lost the huile d’olive.

.

.

I went to a really posh school.

In fact, the school was so posh that the Gym was called James.

.

.

I have a friend who’s half Indian.

Ian.

.

.

Cleavage is the only thing that you can look down on

and approve of at the same time.

.

.

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.

She said, “I’m sick of it. You actually believe that you’re a Transformer.

It’s stupid. I’ve had enough and I’m leaving you.”

I said, “But, Baby, I can change.”

She said, “There you go again!”

.

.

I put a couple of ‘t’s in my beer last night.

I think it made it better.

.

.

Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?

.

.

I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my bedroom.

You know, to make it more classy.

.

.

I was only young when I learned to count.

It was odd at first, even then.

.

.

In a cave, I found pictures of women’s breasts,

but when I picked them up, a giant net fell on me.

Damn booby trap.

.

.

I make £1,000,000 a month cleaning Windows.

I invented Norton Anti-virus.

.

.

My parents gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday yesterday.

I couldn’t find the words to thank them.

.

.

I never let my children watch big band performances on TV.

Too much sax and violins.

.

.

There’s one thing I can’t stand when I’m drunk.

Up!

.

.

Einstein eventually developed a theory about space.

And it was about time too.

.

.

I’m so broke at the moment that all I can

afford to eat are herbs my mate has lent me.

I’m living on borrowed thyme.

.

.

I’ve just seen a group on Facebook called, ‘I hate feet’.

Obviously these people are fans of the metric system.

.

.

Talking to her about computer hardware,

makes my mother board.

.

.

My wife has packed her bags and gone –

just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I’m feeling cannelloni right now.

.

===============================

.