Oh How I Love These Puns. I Think I Have Found My Nietzsche!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, pun day again. For all of you who love (and hate) puns or word play.

Today we are starting off on the topical subject of employment, but there are plenty of other subjects that get the pun treatment as well.

Enjoy (even if you are pretending not to).

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My first job was working in an orange juice factory,

but I got canned

I just couldn’t concentrate.

OJ concentrate

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,

but I just couldn’t hack it,

so they gave me the axe.

lumberjack

After that I tried to be a tailor,

but I just wasn’t suited for it.

The job was only so-so anyhow.

tailor

Next I tried working in a muffler factory,

but that was exhausting.

muffler

I wanted to be a barber,

but I just couldn’t cut it.

barber

I attempted to be a deli worker,

but any way I sliced it,

I couldn’t cut the mustard.

deli_clerk

My best job was being a musician,

but eventually I found I wasn’t note worthy.

musician

I studied a long time to become a doctor,

but I didn’t have any patience.

cartoon-doctor

Next was a job in a shoe factory;

but it just wasn’t the right fit.

 shoemaker

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I became a professional fisherman,

but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

cartoon-fisherman 

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I thought about becoming a witch,

so I tried that for a spell.

cartoon-witch

 

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I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company,

but the work was just too draining.

pool man

 

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After many years of trying to find steady work,

I finally got a job as a historian,

until I realized there was no future in it.

historian

 

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My last job was working at Starbucks,

but I had to quit,

because it was always the same old grind.

 starbucks

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If you get sick at the airport

you may have a terminal illness.

airport cartoon

 

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Peter won’t fly on virgin airlines

he says he won’t go with anything

that doesn’t go all the way!

 Virgin Atlantic

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You may be an American outside the bathroom,

but inside, European.

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toilet-space-cartoon

 

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Do you know any puns about electricity?

About watt?

short_circuit

 

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A woman asked me for an example of a double entendre

…. so I gave her one….

double entendre

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Stupid Politicians And Bureaucrats Make What? Yes, That’s Right – Stupid Laws, Part Three

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Today we have the third of my three-part series highlighting some of the stupid laws that have been made by the stupid politicians and bureaucrats that we have allowed into positions of power.

So here are some more of the lesser known laws that govern the good citizens in the United States (listed by state alphabetically, part 1 covered A to L, part 2 covered the M’s and N’s, this week it’s O to W.).

Enjoy (or cringe, perhaps).

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OHIO

  • Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public. (I hope that’s no reflection on them.)
  • It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday. (And immoral any other day.)
  • It is illegal to get a fish drunk. (Would Sir like some water with that?)
  • The Ohio driver’s education manual states that you must honk the horn whenever you pass another car. (But I want to ‘beep’.)
  • If one loses their pet tiger, they must notify the authorities within one hour. (That’s greeeaaaatttttt!)

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OKLAHOMA

  • It is illegal for the owner of a bar to allow anyone inside to pretend to have sex with a buffalo. (And the real thing is okay???)
  • Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.
  • It is illegal to have the hind legs of farm animals in your boots. (That reminds me of a joke about…… no, better not.)
  • People who make “ugly faces” at dogs may be fined and/or jailed. (What happens if you just have a ugly face to begin with?)
  • Cars must be tethered outside of public buildings.
  • Oral sex is a misdemeanor and is punishable by one year in jail and a $2,500 fine. (Well, blow me, that’s expensive!)
  • It is illegal to conceal the birth of a child that would be a bastard. (But you never know how they are going to turn out until they get a bit older???)

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OREGON

  • Babies may not be carried on the running boards of a car. (That’s okay, you need both hands to hang on to the car anyhow.)
  • It is illegal to whisper “dirty” things in your lover’s ear during sex. (So where do you whisper them?)
  • Ice cream may not be eaten on Sundays. (Ridiculous!)
  • It is illegal to buy or sell marijuana, but it is legal to smoke it on your own property. (To pot with that!!)
  • You cannot eat a doughnut and walk backwards on a city street. (Well, maybe YOU can’t, but….)
  • Juggling is strictly prohibited without a license. (And quite difficult even with one.)
  • It is a crime to publicly scrape clean a skeleton in a cemetery. (And let’s make no bones about it.)

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PENNSYLVANIA

  • It is illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors. (This is another one of those ‘how many people were doing this that a law was needed against it’ kind of things.)
  • Any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue.
  • A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling. (Ya hear that one ladies?)
  • In Harrisburg it is against the law to wear lead nipple shields. (I bet Superman goes there – a lot!)
  • You may not sing in the bathtub.
  • You may not catch a fish by any body part except the mouth. (I don’t think I could catch a fish with my mouth.)

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RHODE ISLAND

  • No one may bite off another’s leg. (Ears, noses, arms, etc., are okay?)
  • Any marriage where either of the parties is an idiot or lunatic is null and void. (I’m saying nothing.)
  • One must make a loud noise before passing a car on the left. (Can do!)
  • The penalty for biting off another’s limb is twenty years in jail, but only if it was intentional. (Whoops, sorry, there’s your leg back. I didn’t mean it.)
  • It is illegal to wear transparent clothing. (Clearly!)
  • You may not sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday.

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SOUTH CAROLINA

  • It is considered an offense to get a tattoo. (I just consider it stupid.)
  • Horses may not be kept in bathtubs. (I guess there’s no room, what with all the donkeys in there.)
  • It is perfectly legal to beat your wife on the court house steps on Sundays.
  • It is a capital offense to inadvertently kill someone while attempting suicide. (You mean if you are attempting suicide or you can’t kill the person who is attempting suicide?)

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SOUTH DAKOTA

  • It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory. (But is there a law about cutting the cheese?)
  • If three or more Indians are walking down the street together, they can be considered a war party and fired upon.
  • In Huron it is an offence to cause static. (Shocking law that one.)
  • Otherwise illegal explosives can be set off in sunflower fields.

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TENNESSEE

  • It is a crime to share your Netflix password in Tennessee. (Is it okay in English?)
  • It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish. (And very difficult.)
  • “Crimes against nature” are prohibited.
  • Skunks may not be carried into the state. (Yeah, let the little stinkers walk.)

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TEXAS

  • It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. (What sort of a guy ‘sips’ beer? Come on!)
  • Up to a felony charge can be levied for promoting the use of, or owning more than six dildos.
  • It is illegal to milk another person’s cow. (Is that a double entendre?)
  • The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
  • In Dallas it is illegal to possess realistic dildos.

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UTAH

  • It is illegal not to drink milk.
  • It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon.
  • Birds have the right of way on all highways.
  • In Salt Lake County an official milkman is limited to casual contact with his customers. (What’s all this about milk in Utah?)
  • A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.
  • No one may have sex in the back of an ambulance if it is responding to an emergency call. (So turn the sirens off??)
  • It is illegal to cause a catastrophe. (So are these laws not breaking this law?)

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VERMONT

  • Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth. (By gum!)
  • At one time it was illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole.
  • All residents shall bathe every Saturday night.

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VIRGINIA

  • Not only is it illegal to have sex with the lights on, one may not have sex in any position other than missionary. (Just how did the people who thought this one up think that they were going to enforce it?)
  • It is illegal to tickle women. (You just said that, see above!)
  • A man may face 60 days in jail for patting a woman’s derriere. (How long for a good slap?)
  • Women must wear a corsette after sundown and be in the company of male chaperone.

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WASHINGTON

  • The harassing of Bigfoot, Sasquatch or other undiscovered subspecies is a felony punishable by a fine and/or imprisonment. (Do tell how exactly do you harass an ‘undiscovered’ species? Wouldn’t you have to discover it first, and once discovered it is no longer ‘undiscovered’ and therefore can be harassed?)
  • All lollipops are banned. (This law really sucks.)
  • People may not buy a mattress on Sunday.
  • In Washington it is a misdemeanor to sell poison without a license.
  • In Seattle possessing an electro-magnetic wave generator is a crime.
  • It is illegal to pretend that one’s parents are rich. (Can you pretend that they are poor?)
  • You may not carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length. (And where would you be able to conceal it anyway?)

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WEST VIRGINIA

  • It is legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40 lbs. (And I would imagine dangerous if it does!)
  • It is illegal to snooze on a train.
  • One may not walk a lion, tiger or leopard, even on a leash.
  • Firemen may not whistle or flirt at any woman passing a firehouse.

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WISCONSIN

  • Condoms were considered an obscene article and had to be hidden behind the pharmacist’s counter.
  • At one time, margarine was illegal.
  • It is illegal to kiss on a train.
  • It is illegal to cut a woman’s hair. (People from Brazil please take special note.)
  • The government may not prohibit manual flushed urinals. (That’s handy.)
  • Cheddar cheese must be “highly pleasing”.
  • Followers of the Ho-Chunk religion may hunt deer without a license.
  • It is illegal to produce baby Swiss cheese without well-developed eyes. (Otherwise how could you see what you were doing… Duh!!)

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WYOMING

  • If one is drunk in a mine, he or she could land in jail for up to a year. (Prospects aren’t good then?)
  • It is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking. (Iron or wooden?)
  • You may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April without an official permit. (That really bugs me.)
  • It is illegal to charge for the use of a toilet. (No sh**!)

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