Word Play? Bad Jokes? Whatever you call them they’re Still Pun To Me

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A few more puns to make you laugh or groan.

Enjoy them if you can.

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The cannibal was so nervous he threw up his hands

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He said I was average – but he was just being mean.

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I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

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Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.    

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The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner – there were strings attached.

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Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you. 

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We never got the tent up because of all the missed stakes we had.

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The book of incantations was useless. The author had failed to run a spell check.

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I finished my trigonometry exam without a secant to lose.

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Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

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We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn’t even afford to pay attention.

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I once thought about cloning a new, more efficient brain, but then I realized that I was getting a head of myself.

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If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.        

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Biologists have recently produced immortal frogs by removing their vocal cords. They can’t croak.         

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The police arrested two kids yesterday, one for drinking battery acid and the other one for eating fireworks. They charged one but let the other one off.

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Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

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A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.          

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And finally,

 

Did you know that Macy’s have a contractual obligation to hire an unemployed man every November and December to play Father Christmas? It’s known as the Santa clause.

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You Only Get the Right Answers If You Ask the Right Questions

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It’s Tuesday and we have another selection of those questions that are worth asking, but hardly anyone asks. Should we just accept thing the way they are, or should we start to question what is happening around us a little more?

Here we go. Enjoy!

 

 

You know the expression, ‘Don’t quit your day job?’

Well what do you say to people that work nights?

 

 

Why is the ‘0’ on a phone after the ‘1’ and not before the ‘1’?

 

 

If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?

 

 

If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, ‘I wish you would not grant me this wish’ what would you do?

 

 

Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?

 

 

Why doesn’t the armpit hair have split ends?

 

 

Do pyromaniacs like to wear blazers?

 

 

If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

 

 

Why is something funny called a ‘knee-slapper’ when you actually slap your thigh?

 

 

Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then in school have them read about wars that solved problems?

 

 

If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?”

 

 

Why does someone believe you when you say something like, “There are four billion stars,” but check when you say the paint is wet?

 

 

What would happen if Batman got bitten by a vampire?

 

 

Why can’t we spell creativity however we want?

 

 

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?”

 

 

Has your mate ever called you at work to ask where the remote control is?

 

 

Was the person who invented the Express Lane at the grocery store ever properly thanked?

 

 

Why do you seldom if ever see ads for advertising companies?

 

 

Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear?

 

 

Why doesn’t McDonald’s sell hotdogs?

 

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Significant Number Factoid Friday – Seven

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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They’ve been ‘beautiful’, they’ve been ‘big’ and they’ve been ‘unusual’. Today we have the number seven, another of what are known as ‘significant’ numbers, so-called because of their use and the beliefs surrounding them.

Enjoy.

 

7 Seven

The number seven is the most mystical of all numbers. It is considered by a great many people to be ‘lucky’.

It is a number that is mentioned many times in the Bible where it indicates perfection and has its roots in ancient Jewish history.

In the Old Testament for example,

• The Creation established the pattern of a seven day week.
• The seventh day was a day of rest.
• Land was to lie fallow every seventh year to allow it to recover its nutrients.
• Noah led the clean animals into the ark in sets of seven pairs for each species.
• Solomon took seven years to build the temple in Jerusalem.
• The Torah mentions that the Sabbatical, or holy year, occurred every seven years.
• The Israelites were told to march around the walls of Jericho seven times, and their enemies would be defeated.
• The symbolic Jewish candlestick has seven branches.

This view of the number seven continued in the New Testament.

• A disciple asked Jesus, “How many times should we forgive our brethren?” Jesus replied, “70 times 7”.
• Revelations 1:16 states, “He had in his right hand seven stars.”
• Also in Revelations, the number of seals is seven.

 

And beyond the Bible, we find the number seven in other religions and societies.

• The ancient Greeks considered the number seven to be lucky. They believed it to be the perfect number.
• In ancient Egypt there were seven paths to heaven.
• In ancient Babylon there were seven branches on their tree of life.
• The Arabs carried on this belief and built seven holy temples.
• The Goths made sure they worshiped the seven deities.
• The Japanese also had seven gods. (In 1995, to celebrate the Japanese Emperor’s seven year reign 17 runners ran 7,777 meters round the imperial palace at 7 minutes past seven on the 7th day of the 7th month.)
• The Chinese saw seven as the number governing female life.
• Even the Scottish Masons made sure the number seven had relevance in their rites, and their aprons were made with seven tassels on them.

 

In the US too there are examples of the occurrence of the number seven.

• The Founding Fathers declared independence from Britain during the seventh month.
• There are seven articles to the US constitution.
• And the city of Washington D.C. was built on the 77th longitude.

 

The number still occurs because of it being thought lucky such as the drink 7-Up and the Boeing airplanes which are always 7?7.

 

Then there are the Seven Wonders of the world.

The original seven wonders were:

• Great Pyramid of Giza
• Hanging Gardens of Babylon
• Statue of Zeus at Olympia
• Temple of Artemis at Ephesus
• Mausoleum at Halicarnassus
• Colossus of Rhodes
• Lighthouse of Alexandria

(The earliest lists had the Ishtar Gate as the seventh wonder of the world instead of the Lighthouse of Alexandria.)

Map of the original Seven Wonders of the World

In 2001 an initiative was started by the Swiss corporation New7Wonders Foundation to choose the New7Wonders of the World from a selection of 200 existing monuments.

Twenty-one finalists were announced January 1, 2006. Egyptians were not happy that the only surviving original wonder, the Great Pyramid of Giza, would have to compete with the likes of the Statue of Liberty, the Sydney Opera House, and other landmarks, calling the project absurd. In response, Giza was named an honorary Candidate.

The results, announced on July 7, 2007, in Lisbon, Portugal, were: 

• Great Wall of China
• Petra (Jordan)
• Christ the Redeemer (Brazil)
• Machu Picchu (Peru)
• Chichen Itza (Mexico)
• Colosseum (Italy)
• Taj Mahal (India)

 

There have also been several atempts to compile a list of the Seven Natural Wonders of the World. The main candidates include:

• Grand Canyon
• Great Barrier Reef
• Harbor of Rio de Janeiro
• Mount Everest
• Aurora
• Parícutin volcano
• Victoria Falls

 

And, of course, in the field of entertainment the number seven has featured in several memorable movies, examples of which include:

• Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
• Seven Brides for Seven Brothers
• Se7en
• The Magnificent Seven
• The Seven Samurai
• The Seventh Seal
• Seven Pounds