Did You Know? – Candle Clocks And Feral Cats Are Just Two Of Today’s Fabulous Facts!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another selection of random facts including candle clocks and feral cats, and what could be more random than that?

So here we go.

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did you know2

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Russia sold Alaska to the US for 2 cents an acre

because they thought it was a useless tundra.

(Big mistake comrades!)

map Alaska and Russia

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The Chernobyl disaster released

at least 100 times more radiation

than the atom bombs dropped

on Nagasaki and Hiroshima.

chernobyl

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Up to 200 feral cats live in Disneyland

and are tolerated because they eradicate

mice and rats on the property.

feral cats live in Disneyland

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The largest cell in the human body is the female egg,

and the smallest is the male sperm.

ovum-largest-cell-in-the-body-and-sperm-cell-the-smallest-

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There are entire cities all over China

with no people living in them!

China ghost city

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In Germany there are fake bus stops outside many nursing homes

to prevent confused senior citizens from wandering off.

fake-bus-stop

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Twelve book publishers rejected Harry Potter,

a very shrewd move on their part since

the sales of the series is now approaching half a billion!

harry_potter_paperback_set

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Before clocks as we now know them,

there were candle clocks that burned a set amount of hours.

If you wanted an alarm or reminder,

you pushed a nail into the candle at the desired height/time length

and when it melted the nail would fall out and the

noise of it hitting the metal holder would alert you.

candle clock

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Loophole (or murder hole)

originally referred to the slits in castle walls

that archers would shoot their arrows through.

castle-arrow-slits

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NASA has lost over 700 boxes of magnetic data tapes

recorded throughout the Apollo program

including original footage of the moon landing.

They ‘think’ some of them may have

‘accidentally been taped over’.

NASA-Tape
A NASA tape – not one of the ones they lost – because they’re lost!!!

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Harvard University was founded

before calculus was derived.

Harvard University

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Apparently it is possible

to sail a boat from Pakistan to Russia

if you sail in a completely straight line.

sail boat

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There are some trees alive today that

were alive before the pyramids were built.

oldest trees on earth

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Chester A. Arthur was known for his impeccable attire,

earning him the nickname “Elegant Arthur.”

On his last day in office,

four women offered him their hands in marriage.

chester_arthur

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Regarded as his finest song,

David Bowie’s ‘Space Oddity’ purports to tell in only five minutes

a story that can easily serve as the plot to a two-hour sci-fi film.

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The Primary Responsibility For A Child’s Education Is Apparent.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, that’s right, The primary responsibility for a child’s education is apparent.

But everyone’s education would not be complete without a healthy dose of puns.

Always here to help, here’s today’s selection.

Enjoy!

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I went into a fancy dress shop and asked the woman

working there if they had any ghost costumes.

She said “We don’t sell those, I’m afraid.”

Stupid woman. They’re not that scary.

ghost-towel

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ABC NEWS:

French Chef commits suicide after critic’s attack.

After further investigation it turns out

he simply lost the huile d’olive.

huile-d-olive

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I went to a really posh school.

In fact, the school was so posh that the Gym was called James.

gym cartoon

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I have a friend who’s half Indian.

Ian.

half indian

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Cleavage is the only thing that you can look down on

and approve of at the same time.

cleavage

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My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.

She said, “I’m sick of it. You actually believe that you’re a Transformer.

It’s stupid. I’ve had enough and I’m leaving you.”

I said, “But, Baby, I can change.”

She said, “There you go again!”

Transformer

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I put a couple of ‘t’s in my beer last night.

I think it made it better.

BeerBetter

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Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?

air and space museum

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I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my bedroom.

You know, to make it more classy.

school desk

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I was only young when I learned to count.

It was odd at first, even then.

cartoon-numbers-set

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In a cave, I found pictures of women’s breasts,

but when I picked them up, a giant net fell on me.

Damn booby trap.

booby_traps_by_vmv_81-d3ickn1

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I make £1,000,000 a month cleaning Windows.

I invented Norton Anti-virus.

Norton

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My parents gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday yesterday.

I couldn’t find the words to thank them.

dictionary

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I never let my children watch big band performances on TV.

Too much sax and violins.

sax_and_violins

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There’s one thing I can’t stand when I’m drunk.

Up!

drunk

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Einstein eventually developed a theory about space.

And it was about time too.

albert_einstein_328565

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I’m so broke at the moment that all I can

afford to eat are herbs my mate has lent me.

I’m living on borrowed thyme.

thyme

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I’ve just seen a group on Facebook called, ‘I hate feet’.

Obviously these people are fans of the metric system.

metric-system-copyright-Allan-Inman

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Talking to her about computer hardware,

makes my mother board.

motherboard

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My wife has packed her bags and gone –

just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I’m feeling cannelloni right now.

pasta

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CLASSIFIED: For Your Eyes Only, Part Ten!!!!!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Saturday, and time for another selection of the ever popular Classified Ads.

These attempts to sell goods and services didn’t quite reach the standard required to be themselves classified as intelligent communication.

They are funny though and thank goodness for that.

Enjoy!

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classified ad 216.

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drive through colon screening.

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classified ad 217.

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robotic prostrate surgery.

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classified ad 218.

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rectal rocket.

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classified ad 219.

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French and Fry.

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classified ad 220.

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device to cure sleepiness.

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classified ad 221

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Consultations.

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classified ad 222

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breast augmentation

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CLASSIFIED: For Your Eyes Only, Part Nine!!!!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The year may have changed since the last bunch of Classified ads, but the stupidity continues as you can see from today’s selection.

I hope you find something in here to make you smile this first weekend of 2013.

Enjoy.

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classified ad 201

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classified ad 202

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classified ad 204

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classified ad 205

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classified ad 207

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classified ad 210.

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classified ad 211.

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classified ad 212.

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classified ad 213.

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classified ad 214.

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CLASSIFIED: For Your Eyes Only, Part Eight!!!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Part eight of the series on classified ads written by the intellectually challenged.

They probably thought what they said was smart. In fact they probably thought that what they said was what they said, only when you read what they said, they said something they didn’t mean to say. If you see what I mean. You soon will.

Enjoy!

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classified ad 115

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classified ad 110

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classified ad 108

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classified ad 106

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classified ad 104

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classified ad 102

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classified ad 100

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classified ad 99

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classified ad 98

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classified ad 97.

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classified ad 96.

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classified ad 95.

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classified ad 88

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classified ad 87.

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classified ad 86.

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classified ad 93

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classified ad 92.

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classified ad 91.

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classified ad 90

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classified ad 85.

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CLASSIFIED: For Your Eyes Only, Part Six!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Hello and welcome to part six of the series on Classified Ads that didn’t quite go according to plan. I don’t know whether any of these were successful in that they sold whatever it was they were trying to sell, but they certainly made it on  to the fasab funny pile!

Enjoy.

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classified ad 94

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classified ad 72

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classified ad 74

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classified ad 73

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classified ad 113

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classified ad 114

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classified ad 112

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classified ad 71

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classified ad 76

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classified ad 75

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classified ad 89

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classified ad 101

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classified ad 105

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CLASSIFIED: For Your Eyes Only, Part Four!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Here is installment four of the classified ads. The place where Joe Public gets a chance to show off his or her marketing skills to the world at large.

I’m sure a lot of these were read and reread and drafted and redrafted a number of time to create the perfection that they clearly are.

And I’ve included a nice romantic one at the end for all you ladies.

Enjoy.

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classified ad 41

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classified ad 42

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classified ad 43

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classified ad 44

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classified ad 45

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classified ad 46

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classified ad 49

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classified ad 51

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classified ad 57

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classified ad 59

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Significant Number Factoid Friday – Today Number Forty-Two 42

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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They’ve been ‘beautiful’,  they’ve been ‘big’  and they’ve been ‘unusual’.  Today we have another  ‘significant’ number, forty-two, so-called because of its use and the beliefs surrounding it.

Enjoy.

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42 Forty-Two

42

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In Religion

  • In Japanese culture, the number 42 is considered unlucky because the numerals when pronounced separately — “shi ni” (four two) — sound like the phrase, “unto death”;
  • There are 42 principles of Ma’at, the Ancient Egyptian personification of physical and moral law, order, and truth. In the judgement scene described in the Egyptian and the Book of the Coming/Going Forth by Day, there are 42 gods and goddesses of Egypt, personifying the principles of Ma’at. These 42 correspond to the 42 Nomes (Governmental Units) of Egypt. If the departed successfully answers all 42, s/he becomes an Osiris;
  • 42 is the number with which God creates the Universe in Kabbalistic tradition; 
  • In Judaism, the number (in the Babylonian Talmud, compiled 375 AD to 499 AD) of the “Forty-Two Lettered Name” ascribed to God. Rab (or Rabhs), a 3rd century source in the Talmud stated “The Forty-Two Lettered Name is entrusted only to him who is pious, meek, middle-aged, free from bad temper, sober, and not insistent on his rights”. 
  • 42 is a sacred Tibetan number and there is also a 42 armed Hindu God;
  • The first book to be printed with movable type, the Gutenberg Bible, is also known as the “42-line Bible”, as the book contained 42 lines per page;
  • The Forty-Two Articles (1552), largely the work of Thomas Cranmer, were intended to summarise Anglican doctrine, as it now existed under the reign of Edward VI..

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In The Bible

  • Forty Two, 3½ and 1260 – this is the amount that is given to the wicked or for people to bear fruit. Judgment occurs at the end. It is based on the law that God only expects results after the third year of planting (Leviticus 19: 23-25);
  • This time period appears in many prophecies as 1260 days, 42 months or 3½ years. It is the period that God allows the beast to operate. Notice that this is equal to 6 x 7 months. It is man’s portion of the jubilee cycle; 
  • Two female bears kill forty two children after they ridiculed the prophet of God. 2 Kings 2: 24; 
  • 42 Cities are given to the Levites in addition to six cities of refuge (Numbers 35: 6); 
  • 42 men of Beth-azmaveth were counted in the census of men of Israel upon return from exile (Ezra 2:24); 
  • Israel camped 42 times in the wilderness during the 40 year exodus. 
  • The goat’s hair and linen curtains covering the sanctuary have a length of 42 and 40 cubits. 
  • Jesus was forty two generations from Abraham. (Matthew 1).

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In Mathematics

  • 42 is the product of the first three terms of Sylvester’s sequence; like the first five such numbers it is also a primary pseudoperfect number;
  • 42 is a partition number – the number of different ways 10 can be represented as the sum of natural numbers;
  • 42 is a Størmer number;
  • 42 is a perfect score on the USA Math Olympiad (USAMO) and International Mathematical Olympiad (IMO).
Simple Magic Cube adding to 42
Simple Magic Cube adding to 42

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In Science

  • 42 is the atomic number of molybdenum;
  • 42 is the value of the angle rounded to whole degrees for which a rainbow appears (the critical angle);
  • In 1966, mathematician Paul Cooper theorized that the fastest, most efficient way to travel across continents would be to bore a straight hollow tube directly through the Earth, connecting a set of antipodes, evacuate it (remove the air), and then just fall through. The first half of the journey consists of free-fall acceleration, while the second half consists of an exactly equal deceleration. The time for such a journey works out to be 42 minutes. Remarkably, even if the tube does not pass through the exact center of the Earth, the time for a journey powered entirely by gravity (also known as Gravity train) always works out to be 42 minutes, as long as the tube remains friction-free, as while gravity’s force would be lessened, so would the distance traveled at an equal rate. (The same idea was proposed, without calculation by Lewis Carroll in 1893 in Sylvie and Bruno Concluded.)
Gravity Train Concept
Gravity Train Concept

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In Technology

  • The glyph, or character, corresponding to the number 42 in the ASCII character set, is *, the asterisk, commonly known as the wildcard character;
  • In the TIFF image file format, the second 16-bit word of every file is 42, which is used together with the first word to indicate byte order;
  • In the reiser4 file system, 42 is the inode number of the root directory;
  • In the military IRIG 106 Chapter 10 data recording standard, the hex value 0x464F52545974776F (ASCII “FORTYtwo”) is used as a magic number to identify directory blocks;
  • The GNU C Library, a set of standard routines available for use in computer programming, contains a function—memfrob()—which performs an XOR combination of a given variable and the binary pattern 00101010 (42) as an XOR cipher;
  • 42 is the result given by the web search engines Google and Wolfram Alpha when the query “the answer to life the universe and everything” is entered as a search.

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In Space

  • Messier object M42, a magnitude 5.0 diffuse nebula in the constellation Orion, also known as the Orion Nebula;
  • The New General Catalogue object NGC 42, is a spiral galaxy in the constellation Pegasus;
  • In January 2004, asteroid 2001 DA42 was given the permanent name 25924 Douglasadams, for the author Douglas Adams who popularized the number 42 and died in 2001; 
  • Kepler-42, is a red dwarf in the constellation Cygnus around which orbits the three smallest exoplanets found to date.
Messier-42 also known as the Orion Nebula
Messier-42 also known as the Orion Nebula

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In Politics

  • The 42nd President of the Unites States of America was Democratic Party William (Bill) Jefferson Clinton, from January 20, 1993 to January 20, 2001. Vice President was Al Gore. Remembered more for ‘blow-jobs’ in the White House, Clinton’s Presidency also oversaw the disastrous Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act in 1999, that repealed the parts of the Glass–Steagall Act which had not already been repealed. This 1999 Act took down barriers to competition between traditional banks, investment banks, and insurance companies, in some cases allowing firms to participate in all three markets thus making distinctions between these categories less clear. It has been held largely responsible for the current financial crisis. 
Bill Clinton, 42nd President of the United States of America
Bill Clinton, 42nd President of the United States of America

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In Sport

  • 42 is the jersey number of Jackie Robinson, which is the only number retired by all Major League Baseball teams. Although the number was retired in 1997, Mariano Rivera of the New York Yankees, the last professional baseball player to wear number 42, is currently still using it;
  • 42 is the jersey number of basketball Hall of Famer and one of the 50 Greatest Players in NBA History James Worthy, small forward for the Los Angeles Lakers, who retired his jersey number in 1995;
  • 42 is the jersey number of football Hall of Famer, Ronnie Lott, safety for the San Francisco 49ers, who retired his jersey number in 2003;
  • 42 is the jersey number of Chicago Bears legend Sid Luckman, which was retired by the Bears; 
  • 42 is the jersey number of Pat Tillman, which was retired on November 13, 2004 by Arizona State University; 
  • 42 is the number of laws of cricket;
  • 42 is the number of kilometers in a marathon;
  • 42 is the number of a NASCAR car owned by Earnhardt Ganassi Racing. It is currently being driven by former F1 star and Indy 500 champion Juan Pablo Montoya;

Earnhardt Ganassi Racing

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In Militaria

  • XB-42
  • The most notable aircraft with the 42 designation was the XB-42 ‘Mixmaster’. This aircraft was developed initially as a private venture and an unsolicited proposal was presented to the United States Army Air Forces in May 1943 which resulted in an Air Force contract for two prototypes and one static test airframe, the USAAF seeing an intriguing possibility of finding a bomber capable of the Boeing B-29 Superfortress’ range without its size or cost.
  • The aircraft was unusual in design in that it had a pair of Allison V-1710-125 liquid-cooled V-12 engines mounted behind the crew’s cabin, each driving one of the twin propellers which protruded from the rear of the aircraft’s fuselage. The pilot and co-pilot sat under twin bubble canopies, and the bombardier sat in the extreme front behind a plexiglass nose.
  • The first XB-42 was delivered to the Army Air Force and flew at Palm Springs, California on 6 May 1944. Performance was excellent, being basically as described in the original proposal; as fast or faster than the de Havilland Mosquito but with defensive armament and twice the bombload. The twin bubble canopies proved a bad idea as communications were adversely affected and a single bubble canopy was substituted after the first flight, a problem that could have been rectified, but the end of World War II changed priorities and the advent of the jet engine gave an alternative way toward achieving high speed.
XB-42 'Mixmaster' and model
XB-42 ‘Mixmaster’ and model

 

  • AG-42
  • The AG-42 rifle (official designation Halvautomatiskt Gevaer 42) was developed by Swedish engineer Erik Eklund while working at company C. J. Ljungman AB. Officially adopted by Swedish army in 1942, this rifle served in Sweden until mid-1960s, when it was replaced in service with 7.62mm AK-4 rifle (license-build HK G3 rifle).
AG-42B Rifle
AG-42B Rifle

 

  • MKb.42
  • In 1939 HWaA (Hitler’s army Weapons command) issued a contract for the development of a “Maschinen karabiner”, or machine carbine (MKb for short), chambered for the new 7.92×33 Kurz cartridge, to the company C.G. Haenel Waffen und Fahrradfabrik.
  • The famous designer Hugo Schmeisser led the Haenel development team, which produced the first working prototypes of new weapon by 1942. The new weapon was intended as a replacement for submachine guns, bolt action rifles and, partly, light machine guns for front troops. The MKb.42(H) could be fitted with standardbayonet, and has a wooden butt. 
mkb 42h-1 rifle
mkb 42h-1 ri

 

  • MG 42
  • A cheaper to produce but much more reliable replacement for the MG 34, the MG 42 was officially adopted as the MG 42, and production commenced in 1941.
  • In general terms, the MG 42 was a great success. It fulfilled the roles of a light machine gun on a bipod, a medium machine gun (on a newly developed Lafette 42 tripod), and an anti-aircraft machine gun, mounted in single and twin installations, ground and vehicle-mounted. 
  • After the WW2 the MG 42, unlike other wartime designs, lived on, as in 1958, the FRG (WestGermany) re-instituted its official armed force, known as the Bundeswehr. 
  • The simplicity, low manufacturing cost and high effectiveness of the MG 3 attracted several other countries, which either bought the guns from Rheinmetall (such as Denmark), or obtained manufacturing licenses and build (or at least have built in the past) the same guns domestically (such as Italy, Iran, Turkey, Pakistan and Yugoslavia). In total, at least twenty armies have used or still are using the MG 3 and its versions.
mg42 machine gun
mg42 machine gun

 

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In Books, Movies & TV

  • The 42nd Parallel is the first of a trilogy of books, (the others being 1919, and The Big Money), written by John Dos Passos and acclaimed by many to be the great American novel;
  • English author Douglas Noel Adams popularized the number 42 in his best known work called the Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy. The number 42 and the phrase, “Life, the universe, and everything” have attained cult status on the Internet. If you type the answer to life, the universe and everything into Google (without quotes or capitalising the small words), the Google Calculator will give you 42; also, if you go to Wolfram’s Computational Knowledge Engine and type “answer to life, the universe, and everything”, it provides you with the result 42. Microsoft’s Bing search engine will also give you 42. Alphasmart 3000’s calculator, when given any equation that results in 42, will display, “The answer to life, the universe, and everything”. In the online community “Second Life,” there is a section on a sim called “42nd Life”;
  • In the Stargate Atlantis Season 4 episode “Quarantine”, 42 are the last two digits in Rodney McKay’s password. After John Sheppard explains to Teyla the meaning of the previous twelve digits, she asks him what 42 is. Then, John says, “It’s the ultimate answer to the great question of life, the universe, and everything,” at which point Teyla looks confused;
  • In the TV show Lost, 42 is the last of the mysterious numbers, 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, and 42;
  • In Stanley Kubrick’s A Clockwork Orange, Alex browses through records in a record store and we see a record of the, at this time fictional, band Level 42;
  • “42” is an episode of Doctor Who, set in real time lasting approximately 42 minutes;
  • “The Kumars at No. 42” is the name of a 2003 BBC television series; 
  • A made for TV movie 42: Forty Two Up – an installment in a series of documentaries wherein the director revisits the same group of British-born individuals every 7 years;
  • On the game show Jeopardy!, “Watson” the IBM supercomputer, has 42 “threads” in its avatar;
  • On the Unusuals TV-show there’s an episode called “42”. Detective Leo Banks recently turned 42. On account of his father, uncle, and grandfather dropping dead at 42, Leo is convinced he’ll share their fate. There were 42s all over the episode.
42nd Parallel by John Dos Passos
42nd Parallel by John Dos Passos

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Other Stuff

  • In New York City, 42nd Street is a main and very popular two-way thoroughfare. Landmarks on it include the Chrysler Building, Grand Central Station, the main branch of the New York Public Library, and Times Square; 
  • Tower 42, originally called the NatWest Tower because it was built for the National Westminster Bank, is the tallest skyscraper in the city of London and the fifth tallest in London as a whole;
  • +42 is the historic Country calling code for the former country of Czechoslovakia; 
  • 42 is the number of US gallons in a barrel of oil;
  • 42 is the number of spots (or pips, circular patches or pits) on a pair of standard six-sided dice;
  • 42 is a free tabloid devoted to technology news in Huntsville, Alabama. It is published by the Huntsville Times and is named for “The Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything”;
  • Fictional comic book superhero Miles Morales is bitten by a genetically altered spider with a red 42 marked on its abdomen. Morales later assumes the role of Spider-Man as a result of the bite and following the death of Peter Parker in the Ultimate Marvel universe from Marvel Comics. Morales also wins a coveted spot in a prestigious charter school after his number (42) is chosen during a lottery.
Miles Morales Spiderman
Miles Morales Spiderman

 

Some More Witty Sayings, Inspired By George Carlin

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There was a lot of love for the short series of quotes from George Carlin. I was pleased that he is remembered well and still giving amusement to people, despite no longer being with us.

Today I have a selection of other witty sayings, not attributed to anyone in particular, but in the same spirit as last week’s post.

I hope you enjoy these too.

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Dickson’s Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

 

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

 

Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

 

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

 

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

 

There are two kinds of pedestrians — the quick and the dead.

 

Life is sexually transmitted.

 

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

 

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said “Quit while you’re ahead”?

 

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI. (One for the nerds and geeks to LTAO.) 

 

Willie was a Chemist, But Willie is no more, What Willie thought was H2O Was H2SO4.

 

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

 

Jury — Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

 

Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

 

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

 

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

 

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

 

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

 

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Lost In Transit

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

 

I wrote a little while ago about Tommy who got lost in the fog in a field beside his own house, and about Thomas Nutall the worst explorer in the world. Well, sense of direction, or the lack thereof, has come up many times in my journeys.

I used to travel on business with a guy called “Bill”. Bill was a nice man, old-school, good manners, fairly prim and proper I suppose you would say. He was in his seventies when I got to know him and worked along with him.

He should have been retired from business but he had a wife who sounded a lot better from a considerable distance and luckily she was not unhappy about getting rid of him for a while – as often as possible as it turns out!

Anyway, domestic bliss aside, Bill made frequent plane trips which obviously meant using airports.

Getting him on to a plane usually wasn’t so bad, although if he stopped to buy something or talk to somebody and you walked on without him, he would always be the last man on to the plane.

But the real fun was when Bill got off the plane. Even on short trips, where the gin and tonics hadn’t been flowing in his direction.

Actually, I’ll come back to that in a moment – I’d forgotten about this until I started to write this blog post.

Bill even got lost once inside the airplane itself. I mean actually inside the airplane! Can you believe it?

He had got up, I presume to go to the bathroom – no, hang on, I absolutely refuse to call what they have on airplanes a “bathroom”; for a start there’s no “bath”, and for another thing there’s no “room” either; it’s a “toilet”, and a small one at that, okay! And for another thing why are they always so small, whether you are on a huge 747 Jumbo jet (I haven’t yet been on one of those Airbus monsters) or a piddly small 737, the toilets are still the same size. All for the sake of being able to offer a couple of extra seats to keep more passengers total discomfort. End rant. Sorry about that, back to today’s blog.

As I was saying, he had got up, I presume to go to the bathroom. There had been a queue at the toilet closest to where Bill was sitting, so he wandered to another one on the far side, and at the back, of the plane (it was 747, small toilets but a big plane!)

But when he opened the door and walked out he didn’t know where he was! I mean, he knew where he was, he knew he was on a plane, but he didn’t know where his seat was and he couldn’t remember the number. And his routine was to put boarding passes, tickets and other paperwork neatly away in his carry on bag before take-off, so he had nothing to refer to.

He had a walk round first class and was gently ushered out of it by a polite, but firm, flight attendant, before he managed to make his way up the stairs. He inspected business class but saw nothing familiar. Then he spent the next twenty minutes walking up and down the wrong aisle looking for his seat in coach.

I watched what was going on. But I didn’t help him out. And I kept my head down so that he wouldn’t see me. We were sitting together and I didn’t want to give him a clue as to where to look. It was too funny and I was enjoying it, much better that whatever film they were showing at the time. And I knew there was a limit to where he could go.

After a good half hour he showed up.

“You were away for a while,” I said when he got back.

“I didn’t feel too well,” he told me. “And I went to ask one of the flight attendants for some water and an aspirin.”

“Oh?” I answered. “I though maybe you’d got lost or something.”

“No, no, nothing like that.”

I just left it, he’d already given me enough entertainment. He went to sleep and that was it until we landed.

 

Which is actually what I started to say in the first place. Bill was just a normal bloke when the airplane doors opened and everyone started to funnel out into the terminal. It was when he got out into the open that the fun started.

For some strange reason Bill invariably took off like a bullet. And always in the completely wrong direction. If he was going for a connecting flight he headed for baggage claim and the exit. If he was at his journey’s end he headed for connecting flights. And all at top speed.

The first few times I tried to run after him, but it was hard work, he had a remarkable turn of speed for an older man. After that I just let him run wherever he thought he was going. Once he even walked from Terminal 3 to Terminal 1 at Heathrow airport, and back again, and that is quite a distance despite what the airport brochures tell you. It was perhaps fortunate that he didn’t get on the underground train and end up in the middle of London somewhere.

By the way, when an airport brochure says “close” reckon on at least half a mile or more, and if have lots of luggage that’s a long way.

Remarkably though, he always turned up – eventually. He never said what had happened or where he had been. And I never asked, so I don’t know.

I’m certain that made two of us!

 

 

Have you had similar experiences? Send them along. Let the world know what is happening before it is too late.