Just Thought Of A Great Owl Joke, But I Can’t Use It Until 2/8/20.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”


Yes, once again the clue was in the title, pun day.

Contrary to rumors on the internet puns have not been cancelled. Resistance is futile. 

So brace yourselves or whatever it is that you usually do.

But enjoy!



I complained to the furniture store after a sofa I ordered

was dumped in the stairwell of my apartment block.

They said I need to take it up with the delivery man.




My friend Max hates going up steep hills.

He’s always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.

steep hill



What idiot invented fire blankets?

You’d think fire was hot enough…

fire blanket



I was stood at a barberque the other day,

Yep, 30 minutes I waited for a haircut.




George made himself a girlfriend out of plastic food wrap.

He said she was a bit clingy.




I’ll tell you a couple of things that make me jump.

My legs.




A neighbor was molested by his priest when he was a kid,

It’s quite a touching story.

Abusing Priests



I’ve just been banned from an online fashion forum.

Apparently my threads weren’t cool enough.




The best thing about being single is sleeping around.

You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours:

left, right, middle, whatever.




The wife finally finished writing her

book about cooking with herbs.

It’s about thyme.




I can beat anybody in a fight with only one hand.

It’s the two-handed blokes who beat the crap out of me.

one arm man applauds



Bono came into my shop today to buy a cake.

I asked him, “What do you want on it?”

He said, “Icing”

I said, “I know that, but what do you want on your cake?”




Police are searching for a thief who robs his victims

by threatening them with a lit match.

They want to catch him before he strikes again.

cartoon lit match



My Dad loves The Beatles and has all but one of the

original L.P. records with autographed sleeves.

I think he needs Help.

The Beatles Help Album



There are many advantages of visiting Switzerland.

I mean, even the flag itself is a big plus.




I was lying in bed and I thought,

“I’ve gotta start telling the truth.”

lying in bed



I said, “I’ve locked my keys in my car and my children are inside.”

My neighbor said, “Do you have a spare set?”

I said, “Yeah, I’ve got two sons with my ex-wife.”




For sale.

Modified DeLorean DMC-12.

No timewasters.




I got chatting to a lumberjack in a bar the other day.

He seemed like a decent feller.




I just bet on three horses called

Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times,

and none of them won.

I blame it on the bookie.





Sex While Camping: It’s Intense!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”


A little word play, get it? Intense? In tents??

Okay, okay.

Yes, it’s pun day. And they get better (or worse) than that.

So, enjoy!



Today my girlfriend told me on the phone

that we were breaking up.

I went outside and the signal improved.

can u hear me now

Police searching for a missing child heard heavy breathing

coming from a parked van.

But, when they looked,

it was just a kid napping.


Last night I settled down to eat some Ben & Jerry’s with a DVD.

I couldn’t be bothered to wash a spoon.


Pythagoras walks into a bar muttering,
‘If a right-angled triangle has a short side, X,

a long side, Y,

and hypotenuse, Z,

then the square of Z must be equal to

the sum of the square of X and the square of,

erm… uh…’

The barman says, ‘Y, the long face?’

Pythagoras cartoon

My friend asked me:

“What is the shortest race in the Olympics?”

After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer:

“Chinese,” I replied.


My wife was running a temperature so I rang the doctor.

He asked was she hot.

I said, “Well, with a little make-up…”

cartoon wife temperature

I was clinging for dear life to the face of the cliff.

As the rescue team approached one of the guys shouted

“Whatever you do, don’t look down”.

So I started smiling.


My house was repossessed at the weekend

but I don’t blame the bank.

It’s that useless priest not doing

the exorcism properly in the first place.


My wife said we would have less arguments

if I wasn’t so pedantic.



A shop assistant dared to ask me why I needed

twenty pots of White Out this morning.

Big mistake.


I’m thinking about turning rastafarian,

but I’m worried about the stress it will put on my hair…

I’m dreading it.




People call me Mr Compromise.

Wasn’t my first choice for a nickname,

but I can live with it.

Cartoon - Compromise With Me - ALG (600)

I’m only familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don’t know why.


I needed some milk this morning,

so I went round to my neighbors

and asked them through the window.

“We’re all out,” they replied.

“No you’re not,” I said. “I can hear you in there.”


Every time I pour a round of drinks,

it goes all over the place.

I think I need glasses.

Pour 2

Drinking with a speech impediment

Is a whisky business.


My friend never had the courage to get married,

But he has been engaged quite a few times.

So there’s been quite a few near Mrs.


After I won the local pub quiz last night

two gorgeous blondes came over to me.

The first one said,

“We find intelligent men incredibly hot and sexy.”

The second blonde said,

“Do you know what three way is?”

I replied,

“Yes, it’s the name of the dog in Hart to Hart.”

Dumb blondes will need a better quiz question than that

if they want to get the better of me,

I thought smugly to myself as I left the pub.

Btw, the name’s “Freeway” not “Three way” dummy!

Everything is easier said than done.

Except for talking, that’s about the same.


At any time, the temptation to sing

The Lion Sleeps Tonight

is never more than a whim away.