Just Been On Holiday In The South Of France….. It Was Nice!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A nice holiday in Nice, how nice.

Yes, pun day again folks.

Strap yourselves in and…..

Enjoy or endure!

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Working as a cake waiter at a wedding,

I saw the most beautiful girl from across the room.

I immediately took a fancy to her.

fancy

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What berries do fat people enjoy the most?

Cadburys!

Cadburys-Dairy-Milk

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Guess what is in the middle of nowhere…

‘h’

 

nowhere

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I got bullied as a child for having glasses.

Every other kid in the neighborhood could only afford paper cups.

disposable-paper-cups-glasses

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A female police officer used a taser gun on me yesterday.

She was stunning.

taser

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Two hours ago I told my kid to shut his mouth and eat his supper.

The poor boy is still sitting at the table trying to figure out how to do it.

cartoon kid mouth shut

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I was supposed to go for a job interview

as a camouflage expert last week.

I didn’t turn up, and I got the job!

camouflage expert

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Did you hear the one about the depressed frog?

He wanted to kermit suicide.

kermit

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I caught my wife with another man last night.

Don’t worry though, it’s a trapeze act.

trapeze act

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I accidently left an apple outside my local Doctor’s surgery.

Now I’m worried he won’t be able to get in.

an apple a day keeps the doctor away

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I’m considering becoming a mind reader.

What are your thoughts?

mind reader

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I’ve just invented a machine that can immediately

tell you what condition a painting is in.

It’s state-of-the-art technology.

state of the art

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When you type

“Missing medieval servant”  

into Google it comes up with

“Page not found”

Page

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A man walked into a bar and ordered half a coke.

The barman said “OK”.

half a coke

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I went into the music store earlier and asked the guy

behind the counter if they had anything by Run DMC.

“Walk this way,” he replied.

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Just Thought Of A Great Owl Joke, But I Can’t Use It Until 2/8/20.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, once again the clue was in the title, pun day.

Contrary to rumors on the internet puns have not been cancelled. Resistance is futile. 

So brace yourselves or whatever it is that you usually do.

But enjoy!

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I complained to the furniture store after a sofa I ordered

was dumped in the stairwell of my apartment block.

They said I need to take it up with the delivery man.

furniture-delivery

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My friend Max hates going up steep hills.

He’s always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.

steep hill

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What idiot invented fire blankets?

You’d think fire was hot enough…

fire blanket

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I was stood at a barberque the other day,

Yep, 30 minutes I waited for a haircut.

barbercue

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George made himself a girlfriend out of plastic food wrap.

He said she was a bit clingy.

clingy

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I’ll tell you a couple of things that make me jump.

My legs.

jump

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A neighbor was molested by his priest when he was a kid,

It’s quite a touching story.

Abusing Priests

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I’ve just been banned from an online fashion forum.

Apparently my threads weren’t cool enough.

phillip-lim-ss-2012

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The best thing about being single is sleeping around.

You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours:

left, right, middle, whatever.

cartoon-bed-6

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The wife finally finished writing her

book about cooking with herbs.

It’s about thyme.

thyme-rubbed-pork-chops-with-pesto

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I can beat anybody in a fight with only one hand.

It’s the two-handed blokes who beat the crap out of me.

one arm man applauds

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Bono came into my shop today to buy a cake.

I asked him, “What do you want on it?”

He said, “Icing”

I said, “I know that, but what do you want on your cake?”

bono

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Police are searching for a thief who robs his victims

by threatening them with a lit match.

They want to catch him before he strikes again.

cartoon lit match

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My Dad loves The Beatles and has all but one of the

original L.P. records with autographed sleeves.

I think he needs Help.

The Beatles Help Album

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There are many advantages of visiting Switzerland.

I mean, even the flag itself is a big plus.

swiss-flag

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I was lying in bed and I thought,

“I’ve gotta start telling the truth.”

lying in bed

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I said, “I’ve locked my keys in my car and my children are inside.”

My neighbor said, “Do you have a spare set?”

I said, “Yeah, I’ve got two sons with my ex-wife.”

man-looking-into-car-keys-locked-in-ignition

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For sale.

Modified DeLorean DMC-12.

No timewasters.

bttf-delorean

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I got chatting to a lumberjack in a bar the other day.

He seemed like a decent feller.

lumberjack

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I just bet on three horses called

Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times,

and none of them won.

I blame it on the bookie.

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How Smart Do You Feel Today?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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So how smart do you feel today?

Smart enough to try your hand at today’s quiz?

I hope so. And remember if you get stuck the answers can be found waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below – but NO cheating!

Begin any time you are ready – and enjoy.

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quiz 09

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Q.  1:  What superseded the autogiro (or autogyro) in the late 1940s?

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Q.  2:  What kind of leaves were often used as currency in 18th century Siberia?

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Q.  3:  In the USA, what is (you can have a point for each correct answer)

  a. the nickname for the president’s limo

  b. the nickname for the brief case with the nuclear codes

  c. the name of the helicopter that transports the US President

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Q.  4:  What kind of star is our sun?  (2 words)

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Q.  5:  Which Pink Floyd album is also a chapter in ‘The Wind in the Willows’?

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Q.  6:  Which national dance can apparently cure a spider’s bite?

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Q.  7:  In Paris, where would you find Franklin D Roosevelt, Victor Hugo and George V?

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Q.  8:  What do many men collect in an ‘omphalo’?

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Q.  9:  The original ‘two bits’ (quarter coin) looked like a cake or pie shaped wedge and was one quarter of what?

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Q. 10:  General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna (of Alamo fame) had two funerals. The first one took place while he was President of Mexico and he himself was a mourner. What was put to rest in this pompous ‘funeral’?

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Q. 11:  After the investigation, why was all the Challenger Space Shuttle wreckage buried under 50 tons of concrete?

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Q. 12:  On a ship, what is a ‘dead head’?

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Q. 13:  A Scottish woman was nominated six times for the Oscar for best actress and came away empty handed each time. A record. Who was she?

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Q. 14:  The name for which vehicle probably stems from a World War I phrase for a dirty weekend in Paris?

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Q. 15:  Which TV family lived at 1313 Mockingbird Lane?

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Q. 16:  Which suave and sophisticated actor played the role of Beau Maverick, Bret Maverick’s English cousin in the US television series Maverick?

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Q. 17:  Paris attracts the most visitors in France each year. Which French town attracts 5 million visitors a year and has more hotels than any other French city except Paris?

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Q. 18:  Which large vehicle is also a name for Krishna meaning ‘Lord of the Universe’?

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Q. 19:  Why did many radio stations around the world observe two minutes of silence in late July, 1937?

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Q. 20:  Citizens of which country coined the term ‘Molotov Cocktail’ or ‘Molotov Bread Basket’ to describe their incendiary weapon used against the Soviets in 1939?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  What superseded the autogiro (or autogyro) in the late 1940s?

A.  1:  The Helicopter

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Q.  2:  What kind of leaves were often used as currency in 18th century Siberia?

A.  2:  Tea leaves

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Q.  3:  In the USA, what is

  a. the nickname for the president’s limo

  b. the nickname for the brief case with the nuclear codes

  c. the name of the helicopter that transports the US President

A.  3:  Three Answers

    a. “The Beast”

    b. “The Football”

    c.  “Marine One”

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Q.  4:  What kind of star is our sun?  (2 words)

A.  4:  Yellow dwarf

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Q.  5:  Which Pink Floyd album is also a chapter in ‘The Wind in the Willows’?

A.  5:  The Piper at the Gates of Dawn

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Q.  6:  Which national dance can apparently cure a spider’s bite?

A.  6:  The Tarantella

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Q.  7:  In Paris, where would you find Franklin D Roosevelt, Victor Hugo and George V?

A.  7:  In the Paris Metro. They are all Metro stations.

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Q.  8:  What do many men collect in an omphalo?

A.  8:  Fluff (The omphalo is the belly button)

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Q.  9:  The original ‘two bits’ (quarter coin) looked like a cake or pie shaped wedge and was one quarter of what?

A.  9:  The Spanish silver dollar, the dollars were called pesos de ocho (pieces of eight).

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Q. 10:  General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna (of Alamo fame) had two funerals. The first one took place while he was President of Mexico and he himself was a mourner. What was put to rest in this pompous ‘funeral’?

A. 10:  His amputated leg.

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Q. 11:  After the investigation, why was all the Challenger Space Shuttle wreckage buried under 50 tons of concrete?

A. 11:  To prevent the parts being sold as souvenirs.

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Q. 12:  On a ship, what is a ‘dead head’?

A. 12:  Some people think it’s a broken toilet but actually it is a non paying passenger.

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Q. 13:  A Scottish woman was nominated six times for the Oscar for best actress and came away empty handed each time. A record. Who was she?

A. 13:  Deborah Kerr

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Q. 14:  The name for which vehicle probably stems from a World War I phrase for a dirty weekend in Paris?

A. 14:  Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

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Q. 15:  Which TV family lived at 1313 Mockingbird Lane?

A. 15:  The Munsters

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Q. 16:  Which suave and sophisticated actor played the role of Beau Maverick, Bret Maverick’s English cousin in the US television series Maverick?

A. 16:  Roger Moore

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Q. 17:  Paris attracts the most visitors in France each year. Which French town attracts 5 million visitors a year and has more hotels than any other French city except Paris?

A. 17:  Lourdes

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Q. 18:  Which large vehicle is also a name for Krishna meaning ‘Lord of the Universe’?

A. 18:  Juggernaut

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Q. 19:  Why did many radio stations around the world observe two minutes of silence in late July, 1937?

A. 19:  A tribute to Marconi after his death. 

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Q. 20:  Citizens of which country coined the term ‘Molotov Cocktail’ or ‘Molotov Bread Basket’ to describe their incendiary weapon used against the Soviets in 1939?

A. 20:  Finland

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A Little Surprise Test For Easter

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Okay, its Easter time again, Semana Santa some call it, so how about taking a little test to see how much you know about it?

Here we go.

Good luck and as usual the answers are given waaaaaaay down below – but NO cheating!

Enjoy.

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Easter Quiz

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Q 1:  On what street in New York does the city’s famous Easter parade take place?

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Q 2:  Which month is the English and German names for Easter or Ostern associated with?

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Q 3:  From which Anglo-Saxon goddess do we derive the name Easter? 

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Q 4:  The Good Friday agreement, signed on Good Friday 1998, is also named after which city? 

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Q 5:  Who was the first person to speak to Jesus after he had risen from the dead?

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Q 6:  Every Easter who gives his ‘Urbi et Orbi’ to the world?

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Q 7:  The customary act of painting what, is known as Pysanka?

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Q 8:  What color was the cloak that Jesus wore when he went to the cross?

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Q 9:  Mardi Gras, Fat Tuesday and Pancake Day are also known as what?

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Q 10:  Name any of the main stars of Easter Parade (1948)?

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Q 11:  Until 1941, from which Asian country were most Easter lilies exported to the United States?          

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Q 12:  The White House Easter Egg Roll was inaugurated by which President’s wife?

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Q 13:  In whose tomb was Jesus buried?

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Q 14:  Which goldsmith produced bejewelled Easter eggs for the Tsars of Russia?

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Q 15:  Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey and was greeted by cheering crowd on which day?           

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Q 16:  Which type of cake is traditionally made at Easter?

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Q 17:  Easter island is a territory of which country?

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Q 18:  In which country do boys traditionally throw buckets of water over girls at Easter time as part of an ancient fertility ritual?  

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ANSWERS

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Q 1:  On what street in New York does the city’s famous Easter parade take place?

A 1:  5th Avenue

Q 2:  Which month is the English and German names for Easter or Ostern associated with?

A 2:  April

Q 3:  From which Anglo-Saxon goddess do we derive the name Easter? 

A 3:  Eostre

Q 4:  The Good Friday agreement, signed on Good Friday 1998, is also named after which city? 

A 4:  The Belfast Agreement

Q 5:  Who was the first person to speak to Jesus after he had risen from the dead?

A 5:  Mary Magdalene

Q 6:  Every Easter who gives his ‘Urbi et Orbi’ to the world?

A 6:  The Pope

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Q 7:  The customary act of painting what, is known as Pysanka?

A 7:  Eggs

Q 8:  What color was the cloak that Jesus wore when he went to the cross?

A 8:  Purple

Q 9:  Mardi Gras, Fat Tuesday and Pancake Day are also known as what?

A 9:  Shrove Tuesday

Q 10:  Name any of the main stars of Easter Parade (1948)?

A 10:  Judy Garland and Fred Astaire

Q 11:  Until 1941, from which Asian country were most Easter lilies exported to the United States?          

A 11:  Japan

Q 12:  The White House Easter Egg Roll was inaugurated by which President’s wife?

A 12:  James Madison (Dolley Madison)

Q 13:  In whose tomb was Jesus buried?

A 13:  Joseph of Arimathea

Q 14:  Which goldsmith produced bejewelled Easter eggs for the Tsars of Russia?

A 14:  Peter Carl Fabergé

Q 15:  Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey and was greeted by cheering crowd on which day?           

A 15:  Palm Sunday

Q 16:  Which type of cake is traditionally made at Easter?

A 16:  Simnel cake

Q 17:  Easter island is a territory of which country?

A 17:  Chile

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Q 18:  In which country do boys traditionally throw buckets of water over girls at Easter time as part of an ancient fertility ritual?  

A 18:  Poland

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