What Do I Think Of Message Boards? I’m Forum!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And I’m for punny jokes too.

The worse, the better.

Here’s some more.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Downloading digital audio has completely revolutionized our lives.

It’s the biggest change in the way we buy music since records began.

cds_vs._digital_downloads

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I went to the doctors today

about my addiction to astrology.

He said “What are the signs?”

Zodiac-signs

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For Sale:

Grandfather clock

– only one part missing.

Second hand.

Grandfather clock

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My wife asked me to fix a

plug for her this morning.

I refused.

fix a plug

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Did you hear about the guy who 

trashed a Chinese restaurant?

He’s being charged with

Wonton Destruction.

WonTon_Destruction_by_Cheswick

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I looked up ‘Opaque’ in the dictionary today.

The definition was not very clear.

Opaque glass

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Scientists who were against genetic engineering

have managed to cross a seagull with a sheep,

which is a massive ewe tern.

seagull and sheep - Tanya Marriott designs

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I bought a belt made entirely from five dollar bills.

It was a waist of money.

Money Origami

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What is a group of deaf people called?

I bet it’s not a herd.

group of deaf people

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To help change her appearance my missus

has started using clay facials with cucumber slices

over her eyes and her hair in rollers.

It helps, but I can still tell it’s her.

young-woman-with-cucumber-slices-on-the-face-in-a-spa-saloon

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I got stopped by a policeman

while I was driving along the road.

I stopped, opened the window and he said

“This is a spot check.”

So I replied

“I’ve got 2 blackheads and a boil on my bottom!”

cartoon cop stopping car

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Fibonacci numbers.

It’s as easy as 1, 1, 2, 3.

Fibonacci numbers

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I hate the local debating group.

They discussed me.

debating group

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So; if men are from Mars

and women are from Venus,

do gay men come from Uranus?

(Oh oh, that’s going to offend somebody!)

Uranus

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We used to call the printer in the office ‘Bob Marley’.

It was always jammin!

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Just Thought Of A Great Owl Joke, But I Can’t Use It Until 2/8/20.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, once again the clue was in the title, pun day.

Contrary to rumors on the internet puns have not been cancelled. Resistance is futile. 

So brace yourselves or whatever it is that you usually do.

But enjoy!

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I complained to the furniture store after a sofa I ordered

was dumped in the stairwell of my apartment block.

They said I need to take it up with the delivery man.

furniture-delivery

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My friend Max hates going up steep hills.

He’s always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.

steep hill

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What idiot invented fire blankets?

You’d think fire was hot enough…

fire blanket

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I was stood at a barberque the other day,

Yep, 30 minutes I waited for a haircut.

barbercue

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George made himself a girlfriend out of plastic food wrap.

He said she was a bit clingy.

clingy

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I’ll tell you a couple of things that make me jump.

My legs.

jump

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A neighbor was molested by his priest when he was a kid,

It’s quite a touching story.

Abusing Priests

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I’ve just been banned from an online fashion forum.

Apparently my threads weren’t cool enough.

phillip-lim-ss-2012

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The best thing about being single is sleeping around.

You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours:

left, right, middle, whatever.

cartoon-bed-6

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The wife finally finished writing her

book about cooking with herbs.

It’s about thyme.

thyme-rubbed-pork-chops-with-pesto

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I can beat anybody in a fight with only one hand.

It’s the two-handed blokes who beat the crap out of me.

one arm man applauds

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Bono came into my shop today to buy a cake.

I asked him, “What do you want on it?”

He said, “Icing”

I said, “I know that, but what do you want on your cake?”

bono

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Police are searching for a thief who robs his victims

by threatening them with a lit match.

They want to catch him before he strikes again.

cartoon lit match

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My Dad loves The Beatles and has all but one of the

original L.P. records with autographed sleeves.

I think he needs Help.

The Beatles Help Album

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There are many advantages of visiting Switzerland.

I mean, even the flag itself is a big plus.

swiss-flag

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I was lying in bed and I thought,

“I’ve gotta start telling the truth.”

lying in bed

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I said, “I’ve locked my keys in my car and my children are inside.”

My neighbor said, “Do you have a spare set?”

I said, “Yeah, I’ve got two sons with my ex-wife.”

man-looking-into-car-keys-locked-in-ignition

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For sale.

Modified DeLorean DMC-12.

No timewasters.

bttf-delorean

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I got chatting to a lumberjack in a bar the other day.

He seemed like a decent feller.

lumberjack

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I just bet on three horses called

Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times,

and none of them won.

I blame it on the bookie.

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For Sale: Replica Fisherman’s Knife (Made To Scale).

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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First pun day of August folks.

The months may change but pun day is forever, or until I run out of puns whichever comes first.

So here are today’s selection.

I hope you enjoy them.

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I’ve decided to take the day off today.

I’m just going to call it to.

day off cartoon

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I’m in a heavy metal band.

I play lead.

lead_pb_periodic_table_169

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I filled my car up with gasoline this morning.

Wish I hadn’t now, the seats are ruined.

gas fill

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Is nothing built in America any more?

I got a new TV the other day and on the box it said

‘BUILT IN ANTENNA’.

built in antenna

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My garden is only 36 inches wide.

More like a yard.

yard

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My grandfather is a Cold War veteran

He can’t afford to put the heating on.

grandpa

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It’s not hard getting to work in the snow,

you just need a bit of grit.

true grit

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My neighbor just showed me his new wind turbine.

I was blown away,

wind turbines

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Well the judge said that from now on

I can only see my children with supervision.

I said why, how far away will they be?

super-vision

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I dropped my cell phone in the bath yesterday.

I said to my wife, “My phone is finished”.

She said, “It might still work, have you tried ringing it?”

I said, “Yes, but not much water is coming out”.

cell-phone-dropped-in-water

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I just bought an alcoholic ginger beer.

He wasn’t pleased.

alcohol_cartoon

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Sometimes I enjoy my steak under cooked,

Of course, that’s rare.

barney-rubble-steak

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I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

butler-cartoon

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In class today the teacher gave me a square piece of paper

and asked if I could turn it into an octagon.

“Sure,” I said. “I’ll have it done for next week, sir.”

“No, I need it now,” was the reply.

“Okay, I’ll have to cut a few corners though.”

octagon

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I was chatting to a couple of girls today.

I said, “Give me your numbers and we can go out for a drink sometime”.

One of the girls said, “Okay, give us two secs.”

I said, “No problem, that’s exactly what I had in mind.”

two girls

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I’ve invented a device called a ‘base-ball.’

I’m thinking of pitching it on Shark Tank.

shark tank

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I walked past some joggers in the park today.

They weren’t very fast.

joggers

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I was at the observatory the other day.

The astronomer said to me, “Look at this massive star!”

I replied, “Actually, that’s a cluster of stars, if it’s any constellation.”

observatory

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I went to the Natural History Museum and

saw the two bees that Noah took with him.

They were in the archives.

noah-ark-cartoon

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Now, for the final trick, I’m going to turn this

Grandfather clock to one hundredth of its original size…

Watch….

grandfather clocks

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CLASSIFIED: For Your Eyes Only, Part Nineteen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Classified ads day. 

Time to present another selection of classified ads that should be classified as something else.

Enjoy.

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classified ad newdorkstripsteak

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classified ad newpizza.

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classified ad nomoredoublechin.

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classified ad nopersonalchickenaccepted

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classified ad nutcrackershorts

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classified ad ObamainIrishad

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classified ad OilChange

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classified ad offincestrepellant

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classified ad oldfolkssausage

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classified ad onegallonhipflask

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classified ad onehourphotgraphy

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classified ad outdatedsnack

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classified ad outhousefudge

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classified ad paidforbyDebbieMartin

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classified ad onlyYouknowitsawig

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CLASSIFIED: For your Eyes Only, Part Eighteen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Welcome to the latest batch of classified ads that failed the one simple test that all advertisements should pass

– did it say what it was supposed to say?

These didn’t.

Enjoy.

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classad_kidspaywhattheyweigh

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classad_krispykremedrive.

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classad_last1000hoursinEnglish.

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classad_licolontowncar.

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classad_livetoiletdemo.

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classad_loseupto205poundsperweek.

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classad_MagSubscription.

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classad_manuresummit.

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classad_mathathon.

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classad_mercuryfishandchips

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classad_mensurnalmagazine

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classad_michaeljackson

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classad_mushmoms

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classad_nachoplatter.

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classad_newagetherapy.

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CLASSIFIED: For Your Eyes Only, Part Seventeen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Here we go with another bunch of classified ads.

They looked perfect, but not to most people.

Enjoy.

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classad_halfto50percentoff

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classad_HalloweenFleetEnema

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classad_hamhockssquirrel

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classad_haveahorsesitonyourlap

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classad_honkybowl

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classad_honorroll

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classad_hugendazicecream

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classad_hungarymandinners

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classad_huntersafety

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classad_hyptonistallyoucaneatbringyourownfood

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classad_illiterateinEnglish

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classad_insultingfabric

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classad_irregularcorndogs

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classad_joyoffasting

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classad_justacrossfromthewomensprison

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CLASSIFIED: For Your Eyes Only, Part Sixteen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Welcome to another edition of the classified ads. Those advertisements that didn’t quite turn out as planned in the minds of those who devised them.

The first one reminded me of a small take-away Chinese establishment in a town near where I used to live. A friend and I stopped off there on the way home from work one evening, both of us hungry but not wanting to waste the time going for a sit-down meal.

We ordered our food and all went well. The take-away had an excellent reputation for producing good food and it was always very busy.

Sure enough after about ten minutes or so our ticket was called and I went up to the counter to collect.

It wasn’t the usual girl on duty that evening, but a small rather elderly Chinese lady.

Had it been the usual girl she would have known to pack some utensils, like a plastic fork, in the bag, but instead the little Chinese lady looked up into my face and asked in a heavily accented but loud voice for all to hear,

“D’ya wanna fok?”

There was momentary silence, no one quite knowing what they thought they had heard. Then my mouth got in the way of good sense and I said, “No thanks, I’m just in to get something to eat.”

Then everyone laughed and I made my way out of the place before any further conversation or explanation.

As it turns out the joke was on me in the end because I left without getting a ‘fok’ so the meal had to wait until I got home.

So that by way of anecdotal introduction leads us nicely to today’s classifieds.

Enjoy!

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classad_FuKingRestaurant

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classad_freegolf

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classad_freewith20beers.

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classad_engrish.

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classad_enjoyfreshesticecream

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classad_freeeye.

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classad_freshmadeshrimpthing.

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classad_frodfocus.

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classad_frozenicecubes.

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classad_fullycookedsushi.

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classad_Genuine20percentFaux.

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classad_getnewgasgrill.

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classad_grilledchickenandherpes.

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classad_groundgeef.

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classad_guidedogbarbeque.

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classad_girlwithlegsoppositebody.

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