Strange as it may seem Warning Signs are warning signs that society is in BIG trouble. They indicate that we have regressed to the level where we are allowing the stupidest people in society to dictate how the rest of us behave.
I disagree in the strongest possible terms with this trend. It is unnecessary and it is irritating for anyone with an IQ above 40.
If some dumb ass who knows they are allergic to nuts, buys a bag of nuts, then let them suffer the consequences of their stupidity if they eat them. Or if someone is in McDonalds or a similar establishment and buys a cup of hot coffee they should have the wit to realize that hot coffees is ‘hot’ and will burn them if they pour it all over themselves.
Harsh? Perhaps, but necessary.
Sadly the whole thing has deteriorated so far that, not only are there unnecessary warning labels on almost everything, but the morons for whom they are there now actually seem to be writing them too!
I could rant on, but better (and funnier) to show you some examples that make me shake my head in despair.
No, this isn’t a list of the names of the members of the HoR or the Senate, or even the Obama administration, although I see why you would have jumped to that conclusion.
I thought I would try to lighten the mood for the weekend by posting some of the political jokes that made me smile.
Hope they have the same effect on you.
Enjoy.
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common:
they should both be changed regularly…
and for the same reason.
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Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s new ‘Obama Value Meal’?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
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Q: How many politicians does
it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and
another one to change it back again.
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Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Senator.
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We used to have Reagan, Jonny Cash, and Bob Hope.
Now we have Obama, no cash, and no hope.
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The recession is getting so bad,
the bank sent me a new type of credit card.
It was pre-declined.
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It was so cold in Washington today,
I saw a Democrat who had his hands in his own pockets!
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I is very proud dat I went 2 school in da UK.
I fink out of all 17 countries in da world UK is da best.
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When they call the roll in the Senate,
the Senators do not know whether to answer
‘Present’ or ‘Not guilty.’
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.Today’s public figures can no longer
Today’s public figures can no longer
write their own speeches or books,
and there is some evidence
that they can’t read them either.
(Gore Vidal.)
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‘Politics is the art of looking for trouble,
finding it whether it exists or not,
diagnosing it incorrectly,
and applying the wrong remedy’.
(Ernest Benn.)
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‘Politicians are the same all over.
They promise to build bridges,
even where there are no rivers’.
(Nikita Kruschchev.)
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I just hope our next world war isn’t with China.
Who would make uniforms for the troops?
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The Iranian leader has left
on a tour of friendly countries.
He’s expected home tomorrow.
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Foreign Aid :
Poor people in a rich country
sending money to
rich people in a poor country.
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I rarely speak to Obama supporters,
but when I do….
I ask for large fries.
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Obama: “Here we are, two black presidents.”
Mandela: “You’re not very black.”
Obama: “I’ve not been to jail.”
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President Obama met Bill Clinton for lunch.
“I was sorry to hear about Hillary’s concussion,”
Obama said. “How’s her head?”
“It’s fine,” Bill replied.
“But she’s no Monica.”
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My computer crashed earlier and I lost all my files,
This Wednesday I am pleased to present part two of my trio of tributes to the late George Carlin and his great gift for seeing the world from the humorous side.
It turns out from the reaction to last week’s post that George still has a lot of fans out there which is great news.
Enjoy this latest selection.
If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
The future will soon be a thing of the past.
Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
Personally I think its bad luck to be superstitious. Nevertheless a lot of people think that a Friday which falls on the 13th of the month is a day where ‘luck’ tends to be bad rather than good. Today they might have something – here’s another test :o(
As usual some are difficult, some are easy and some are just tricky, but you can fine the answers way down below
1. July and August are two consecutive months with 31 days each. What other two consecutive months have 31 days each?
2. What is the opposite of not good?
3. Two girls played four games of checkers. Each girl won 3 games. How can this be?
4. Two mothers and two daughters went to lunch. The meal for each came to $1.10. The total bill for all the meals came to $3.30. How did this happen?
5. Which of the following sentences is correct?
Nine and five are thirteen. or Nine and five is thirteen.
6. What states contain just four letters, three of which are vowels?
7. “How much will 1 cost?” “20 cents,” says the clerk in the hardware store. “And how much will twelve cost?”
“40 cents.” “Okay, I’ll take nine hundred twelve.”
“That will be 60 cents.” What was the customer buying?
8. What types of animals can jump higher than a house?
9. Rearrange the letters of NEW DOOR to make one word.
10. What familiar continuum is expressed by the following words:
flushed, New Jersey town, cowardly, naive, depressed, dye-stuff, flower.
11. In the following line of letters, cross out six letters so that the remaining letters, without altering their sequence, will spell a familiar English word.
B S A I N X L E A T N T E A R S
12. Give the first names of the following people: Dante, Rembrandt, Michelangelo
13. An eskimo, even if he and his family are on the verge of starvation, will not attempt to eat a Penguin’s egg. Why?
14. What is the main characteristic of an Hawaiian snake?
16. Spell JOKE. Spell FOLK. Spell POKE. Spell the word which means the white of an egg.
17. Kansas City and St. Louis are 240 miles apart. A train leaves Kansas City travelling towards St. Louis at 60 mph; another leaves St. Louis at the same time, travelling towards Kansas City at 40 mph. Which train will be farther from St. Louis when they meet?
18. If a man is 6 feet tall and weighs 300 pounds, how many hard boiled eggs can he eat on an empty stomach?
19. A child is born in Boston, Mass., to parents who were both born in Boston, Mass. The child is not a U.S. citizen. How is this possible?
20. Carrie Cotter was born on December 27, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
21. What 8 letter word has 7 consonants and 1 vowel?
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ANSWERS
1. December and January.
2. good.
3. They did not play each other.
4. There were just three women — grandmother, mother, daughter.
5. Neither is correct — 9 + 5 = 14.
6. Ohio, Iowa.
7. House Numbers.
8. All animals — houses can’t jump.
9. ONE WORD.
10. Colors of the Rainbow.
Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, Violet.
11. B A N A N A (Cross out the letters: S I X L E T T E R S)
12. They are the first names.
13. Eskimo is at the North Pole; Penquins are at the South Pole.
14. They don’t exist.
15. 8.
16. A L B U M E N (NOT yolk! — that’s the yellow part!)
17. When they meet, they are the same distance from St. Louis.
18. Just one. After that, his stomach isn’t empty.
Sunday is usually a bit of a lazy day for most of us. So how about using the time to limber up those old brain cells. Here are 21 questions, some easy, some tricky, some silly, and some difficult. Give them a try and see how you get on.
The answers are at the bottom if you scroll down a bit, but no cheating!!!
QUESTIONS
1. Why can’t a man living in Winchester be buried in Frederick County?
2. How near is the U.S. to Russia? (3000, 1000, 500, or 50 miles)?
3. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents. The woman is the beggar’s sister but the beggar is not the woman’s brother. How come?
4. What four words appear on every U.S. coin besides “In God We Trust?”
5. You are blindfolded. Placed in front of you is a box of stockings, all the same size. Twenty-five of the stockings are red and twenty-five are white. What is the minimum number of stockings that you can remove and be absolutely sure of a matching pair?
6. If you flew due south from Atlanta, Georgia, which South American country would you pass over first?
7. How many outs are there in an inning of a baseball game?
8. How many birthdays does the average person have?
9. If 2 miles of fence enclose a square plot of 160 acres, how large a square will 4 miles of fence enclose?
10. Why can’t a man’s hand be 12 inches long?
11. How many cubic feet of dirt are in a hole one foot deep, three feet long, and two feet wide?
12. A woman fenced in a square plot of land. When she had finished, there were ten fence posts on each side. How many posts did she use altogether?
13. How far is a furlong?
14. How many 1/8-inch squares will it take to make a square inch?
15. A woman travels 1 mile south, then one mile west, and then mile north, and arrives at her starting point. Where is she?
16. If it takes 3 men 3 days to dig 3 holes, how long would it take 1 man to dig 1/2 a hole?
17. A rooster is on a barnyard roof. If it lays an egg, which way will it roll?
18. How many one-inch cubes will it take to make a cubic foot?
19. If it’s zero degrees Celcius outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be tomorrow?
20. The maker doesn’t want it; the buyer doesn’t use it; and the user doesn’t see it. What is is?
21. When is it legal in Virginia for a man to marry his own daughter?
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ANSWERS
1. Because he is still alive.
2. 50 miles
3. The beggar is a woman, so she is the woman’s sister.
4. United States of America.
5. Three.
6. One!
7. Six.
8. One, all the others are anniversaries of your birthday.
9. 640 acres or 1 square mile.
10. Because it would be a foot.
11. None (there is no dirt in a hole).
12. Thirty-six.
13. One-eighth of a mile.
14. Sixty-four.
15. North Pole.
16. You can’t have 1/2 a hole.
17. A rooster doesn’t lay eggs.
18. 1,728.
19. Still 0 degrees, only this time in Fahrenheit
20. A coffin
21. When he is a clergyman performing his daughter’s wedding.
Okay, so you called in anyhow, despite yesterdays warning that a test was imminent. Well done. I applaud your courage. If you haven’t read yesterday’s post, then you now know how I used to feel in school when then had surprise tests.
But don’t worry, most of the questions aren’t difficult, maybe a little tricky here and there. There’s no pressure, no pass rate, no minimum score you have to get, or any of that sort of stuff. And you may have seen some of them before. It’s just a bit of what I hope will be entertainment. (If you can answer them all correctly I might issue a certificate – because although they aren’t difficult questions, they aren’t easy either.)
Keep your thinking time to a minimum, the funniest results happen when you answer as quickly as possible.
For best results write your answers down on a piece of paper and then look at the answers (shown below) when you’ve finished.
Okay, here we go:
Q1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child’s name?
Q2. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
Q3. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
Q4. Some months have 30 days, some have 31; how many months have 28 days?
Q5. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
Q6. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?
Q7. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many did he have left?
Q8. Three travelers register at a hotel and are told that their rooms will cost $10 each so they pay $30. Later the clerk realizes that he made a mistake and should have only charged them $25. He gives a bellboy $5 to return to them but the bellboy is dishonest and gives them each only $1, keeping $2 for himself. So the men actually spent $27 and the bellboy kept $2. What happened to the other dollar of the original $30?
Q9. If you had a ton of feathers and a ton of stones which would be heavier?
Q10. Take two apples from three apples and what do you have?
Q11. Imagine you’re alone in a boat with a large hole in the bottom. Sharks are swimming around you on all sides and the boat is sinking fast. How do you survive?
Q12. Read this sentence.
Finished files are the result of years of scientific study combined with the experience of years.
How many times does the letter F appear?
Q13. Two boys weighing 50 pounds each and their older brother weighing 100 pounds wish to cross a river. Their boat will only hold 100 pounds. How can they all cross the river in the boat?
Q14. What is the only anagram of Springiest? (as far as I know)
Q15. A plane crashed on the border or US and Canada. Where do they bury the survivors?
Q16. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven’t eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
Q17. You are the bus driver.
At your first stop, you pick up 29 people.
On your second stop, 18 of those 29 people get off, and at the same time 10 new passengers arrive.
At your next stop, 3 of those 10 passengers get off, and 13 new passengers come on.
On your fourth stop 4 of the remaining 10 passengers get off, 6 of those new 13 passengers get off as well, then 17 new passengers get on.
What is the color of the bus driver’s eyes?
Q18. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add ten. What is the answer?
Q19. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.
Q20. Is it legal in the State of California for a man to marry his widow’s sister?
Q21. If you were running a race and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
Q22. What do you put in a toaster?
Q23. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?
Q24. Say “silk” five times. Now spell “silk”. What do cows drink?
Q25. How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the Ark with him?
Q26. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs. Each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour.
When the tide is at its highest, how many rungs are under water?
Q27. You’re riding a horse. To the right of you is a cliff and in front of you is an elephant moving at the same pace and you can’t overtake it. To the left of you is a hippo running at the same speed and a lion is chasing you. How do you get to safety?
Q28. Perform this calculation in your head, mentally adding the numbers as quickly as you can. Start with 1000 and add 40.
Now add 1000.
Add 30 to that, then add another 1000.
Now add 20 to that result.
Add another 1000 and finally, add 10 to that.
What is the total?
Q29. Two fathers and two sons go fishing together in the same boat. They all catch a fish but the total catch for the day is 3 fish. How is this possible?
Q30. In British Columbia you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
And finally,
Look at the picture below and say aloud what color the word is written in, not what the word says, but the color it is written in. There is not a right or wrong answer to this, but try it anyway. Personally I find this one very difficult.
color conundrum
Why is this so difficult? Apparently it’s because the right half of your brain is trying to say the color, while the left side of your brain is trying to say the word. I suppose how well you get on will depend on which side is dominant.
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THE ANSWERS:
Q1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child’s name?
A1. Johnny, of course. The brain tends to focus on the sequence and a lot of people answer “June” so if you did you are not alone.
Q2. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
A2.Mt Everest. Just because it wasn’t discovered, it was still there and still the biggest.
Q3. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
A3.None! There ain’t no dirt in the hole. That’s why they call it a hole.
Q4. Some months have 30 days, some have 31; how many months have 28 days?
A4.If you answered “1” then you were wrong by “11”. All the months of the year have 28 days, at least.
Q5. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
A5.Yes indeed they do. And a 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 5th as well
Q6. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?
A6.Three. (2 x 0.5) = 1 +2 = 3
Q7. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many did he have left?
A7.Nine. All but nine died, so nine were still alive.
Q8. Three travelers register at a hotel and are told that their rooms will cost $10 each so they pay $30. Later the clerk realizes that he made a mistake and should have only charged them $25. He gives a bellboy $5 to return to them but the bellboy is dishonest and gives them each only $1, keeping $2 for himself. So the men actually spent $27 and the bellboy kept $2. What happened to the other dollar of the original $30?
A8.Nothing. There is no missing dollar from the original $30 it can just seem that way. When they got $1 back, the three travelers had paid a total of $27 for their room ($9 each), not $30. Out of that $27, the hotel has $25 and the clerk kept the remaining $2. If you still want to work from the original $30, the travelers have $3, the hotel has $25 and the bellboy has $2. The misleading part is adding the bellboy’s $2 to the $27, when in fact it should be subtracted.
Q9. If you had a ton of feathers and a ton of stones which would be heavier?
A9.A ton ,is a ton, is a ton. They’d both weigh the same.
Q10. Take two apples from three apples and what do you have?
A10.Well, you took two, so you have two. A lot of people say one, were you one?
Q11. Imagine you’re alone in a boat with a large hole in the bottom. Sharks are swimming around you on all sides and the boat is sinking fast. How do you survive?
A11.Don’t worry. You’re in no real danger. Just stop imagining!
Q12. Read this sentence.
Finished files are the re-
sult of years of scientif-
ic study combined with
the experience of years.
How many times does the letter F appear?
A12.There are six. But most people skip the word ‘of’ and only count three, especially when reading quickly.
Q13. Two boys weighing 50 pounds each and their older brother weighing 100 pounds wish to cross a river. Their boat will only hold 100 pounds. How can they all cross the river in the boat?
A13.Two 50lb boys cross, one comes back.
100lb boy crosses, other 50lb boy returns
Both 50lb boys cross again.
Q14. What is the only anagram of Springiest? (as far as I know)
A14.Persisting – unless of course you know different???
Q15. A plane crashed on the border or US and Canada. Where do they bury the survivors?
A15.Well, unless you are complete psycho and like to bury people alive then you wouldn’t bury the survivors at all!
Q16. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven’t eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
A16.He should choose the third room. If the lions haven’t eaten for 3 years I’d say they probably be dead and couldn’t do him any harm.
Q17. You are the bus driver.
At your first stop, you pick up 29 people.
On your second stop, 18 of those 29 people get off, and at the same time 10 new passengers arrive.
At your next stop, 3 of those 10 passengers get off, and 13 new passengers come on.
On your fourth stop 4 of the remaining 10 passengers get off, 6 of those new 13 passengers get off as well, then 17 new passengers get on.
What is the color of the bus driver’s eyes?
A17.I don’t know the answer. But you do, since you are the bus driver!
Q18. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add ten. What is the answer?
A18.The answer is 70. It’s the dividing bit at the beginning that gets most people on the wrong track.
Q19. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.
A19.The time/month/date/year of an American style calendar are 12:34, 5/6/78.
Q20. Is it legal in the State of California for a man to marry his widow’s sister?
A20.The answer is probably “Yes”, it is legal. But it is also impossible since the man would be dead!
Q21. If you were running a race and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
A21.Well, since you just passed the person in 2nd place that would put them in 3rd place and you in 2nd place. So “2nd” is the right answer.
Q22. What do you put in a toaster?
A22.You didn’t say “toast” did you? That’s what comes out of the toaster, the right answer Is “bread”.
Q23. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?
A23.The clue is in the question here. The answer is ‘incorrectly”, except of course where it is mishspeeled.
Q24. Say “silk” five times. Now spell “silk”. What do cows drink?
A24.Did you say “milk”? Most people do. But think about it, a cow drinks “water”.
Q25. How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the Ark with him?
A25.None. Maybe you were thinking about Noah???
Q26. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs. Each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour.
When the tide is at its highest, how many rungs are under water?
A26.None. It’s a boat. It floats.
Q27. You’re riding a horse. To the right of you is a cliff and in front of you is an elephant moving at the same pace and you can’t overtake it. To the left of you is a hippo running at the same speed and a lion is chasing you. How do you get to safety?
A27.Just get off the merry-go-round, you’re too old for that sort of thing anyway.
Q28. Perform this calculation in your head, mentally adding the numbers as quickly as you can. Start with 1000 and add 40.
Now add 1000.
Add 30 to that, then add another 1000.
Now add 20 to that result.
Add another 1000 and finally, add 10 to that.
What is the total?
A28.If you said 5000 you be along with 96% of people who try this, but you’d also be wrong. The correct answer is 4100.
Q29. Two fathers and two sons go fishing together in the same boat. They all catch a fish but the total catch for the day is 3 fish. How is this possible?
A29.They are Grandfather, Father and Son.
Q30. In British Columbia you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
A30.Because there ain’t a camera in a wooden leg (not a normal one anyhow).
Today’s public figures can no longer
fasab 