I Really Can’t Stand Sitting Down.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

I bet you can’t stand sitting down either. It’s not easy.

But what is easy is having a look at some more puns.

So here you are.

Enjoy or endure!

.

.

I just bought a Monopoly set which had no instructions.

What are the chances?

.

.

Sony. Panasonic, Technics, Bang Olufsen, Teac.

They’re just stereotypes.

.

.

A contestant accused me of being an unfair quiz host.

Point taken.

.

.

I was walking down the street.

This guy waved to me, then came up to me and said,

“I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.”

I said, “I am.”

.

.

Bilbo Baggins has died.

I read it in the hobbituary column.

.

.

Two mountaineers reach a huge, deep fissure in a glacier.

“Careful here,” says one of them.

“My mountain guide fell down there last year.”

“I bet you feel bad about that,” says the other.

“Not really, it was pretty old and missing a few pages.”

.

.

My friend just finished watching Kill Bill, volume 1;

He said he couldn’t hear it very well, though.

.

.

I was reading this book on the anatomy of a pig.

It was pretty standard, but I got to the end

and found there to be a twist in the tale.

.

.

I’ve been out of work for a while but have just got

a job at a factory making periscopes.

Things are looking up.

.

.

Our Marriage Guidance Counsellor said my wife and I

needed to talk about the elephant in the room.

I turned to my wife and said

”see, even she thinks you’re fat”

.

.

It took me ages to change all my clocks.

There’s an hour of my life I’ll never get back!

.

.

I’ve decided to have a party in my vegetable garden tonight.

Lettuce turnip the beet.

.

.

I haven’t used my eBook reader for a while.

Maybe it’s time to rekindle our relationship.

.

.

How does the barber cut the moon’s hair?

Eclipse it.

.

.

And speaking of hair, The Beatles’ song,

“Love Me Do” was written by John Lennon

after he’d had a really good haircut.

.

.

============================================

.

Have You Noticed, Winzip Files Are Becoming Rar These Days.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

A little nerdy pun in the title to set the tone for today, because it’s another Pun Day.

Some more plays on words, which you will either….

Enjoy or endure!

.

.

I was thinking of getting a tattoo on my palm

On the other hand I might not bother.

.

.

I’m giving away a free gate.

Honestly, there’s no catch.

.

.

A Rastafarian just gave my friend a haircut.

He looks dreadful.

.

.

Just been thinking, Hooters should do a home delivery service.

They could call it Knockers.

.

.

Whenever anybody asks what I do.

I tell them I’m a Thai boxer, to make myself sound hard.

Sounds better than telling them

I pack men’s neckwear in a warehouse.

.

.

I find it difficult to count in

Roman numerals until the number 159.

Then it just CLIX.

.

.

If you’d like to know more about bulimia,

just do a Google search and see what it throws up.

.

.

I used to live in a tire, but it got a puncture.

Now I just live in a flat.

.

.

Statistically speaking,

the word “duck” is 75% obscene.

.

.

To those men who whinge and whine

saying it’s too hard to cultivate apples,

I say, “Grow a pear.”

.

.

I want to thank my friend, who looked up

“Agglomeration” for me in the dictionary.

It means a lot.

.

.

Do you think that a Clairvoyants meeting has

ever been cancelled due to unforeseen events.

.

.

I’ve written a book about

an Apartment block for Midgets.

It’s a collection of short storeys.

.

.

My Korean friend died last week.

So Yung…

.

.

Apparently Matt Damon believes in two things:

Sequels, and reincarnation.

Basically, he thinks he’ll be Bourne again.

.

.

==============================================

.

Just Thought Of A Great Owl Joke, But I Can’t Use It Until 2/8/20.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Yes, once again the clue was in the title, pun day.

Contrary to rumors on the internet puns have not been cancelled. Resistance is futile. 

So brace yourselves or whatever it is that you usually do.

But enjoy!

.

.

I complained to the furniture store after a sofa I ordered

was dumped in the stairwell of my apartment block.

They said I need to take it up with the delivery man.

.

.

My friend Max hates going up steep hills.

He’s always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.

.

.

What idiot invented fire blankets?

You’d think fire was hot enough…

.

.

I was stood at a barberque the other day,

Yep, 30 minutes I waited for a haircut.

.

.

George made himself a girlfriend out of plastic food wrap.

He said she was a bit clingy.

.

.

I’ll tell you a couple of things that make me jump.

My legs.

.

.

A neighbor was molested by his priest when he was a kid,

It’s quite a touching story.

.

.

I’ve just been banned from an online fashion forum.

Apparently my threads weren’t cool enough.

.

.

The best thing about being single is sleeping around.

You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours:

left, right, middle, whatever.

.

.

The wife finally finished writing her

book about cooking with herbs.

It’s about thyme.

.

.

I can beat anybody in a fight with only one hand.

It’s the two-handed blokes who beat the crap out of me.

.

.

Bono came into my shop today to buy a cake.

I asked him, “What do you want on it?”

He said, “Icing”

I said, “I know that, but what do you want on your cake?”

.

.

Police are searching for a thief who robs his victims

by threatening them with a lit match.

They want to catch him before he strikes again.

.

.

My Dad loves The Beatles and has all but one of the

original L.P. records with autographed sleeves.

I think he needs Help.

.

.

There are many advantages of visiting Switzerland.

I mean, even the flag itself is a big plus.

.

.

I was lying in bed and I thought,

“I’ve gotta start telling the truth.”

.

.

I said, “I’ve locked my keys in my car and my children are inside.”

My neighbor said, “Do you have a spare set?”

I said, “Yeah, I’ve got two sons with my ex-wife.”

.

.

For sale.

Modified DeLorean DMC-12.

No timewasters.

.

.

I got chatting to a lumberjack in a bar the other day.

He seemed like a decent feller.

.

.

I just bet on three horses called

Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times,

and none of them won.

I blame it on the bookie.

.

.

===============================

.