Whoever Invented The Selfie Needs To Take A Good Look At Themselves.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

And since it’s pun day again you need to take a good look at this latest batch.

Enjoy or endure!!!

.

.

What do you call

a German on speaker phone?

Hans Free

.

.

‘Sugar’

is the only word in the English language

in which the S, is pronounced ‘sh’.

I’m sure of that.

.

.

My brother has had to

close down his archery business.

In the first 12 months 

he didn’t hit any of his targets .

.

.

Ten years in the same job and

not once have I been in the boss’s office.

That’s what got me fired as a cleaner.

.

.

Just been mugged and beaten up.

I tried to defend myself with a drawing pin.

Turns out a tac isn’t the best form of defense after all.

.

.

Before we split up, my wife

was obsessed with horoscopes.

I’m sure that’s what Taurus apart.

.

.

I was on the freeway when a guy driving in the other direction

started flashing his lights, beeping his horn and screaming,

“You’re going the wrong way!”

What an idiot.

He didn’t even know where I was going.

.

.

What has a pee at

the end of a tram?

A tramp.

.

.

Breaking News:

Man arrested over missing woman

Imagine if he’d hit her???

.

.

Adoption jokes –

There’s never a good time to tell them.

.

.

I don’t approve of my girlfriend’s one night stand.

Why should she be the only one with

somewhere to put a bedside lamp.

.

.

I threw three DVDs at exactly the same time

to see which one would hit the wall first.

It was a discrace.

.

.

My wife called me into the bathroom

and asked me to wash her back.

I don’t remember her

washing me in the first place.

.

.

Erectile dysfunction;

just when you thought

it couldn’t get any harder.

.

.

My wife, Lorraine, has just found out that 

I have been cheating on her with Clara next door.

Last night, she packed her things and left.

I can see Clara now, Lorraine has gone.

Take it away Johnny….

.

.

==============================================

.

Controversial Post? – Should We Get Rid Of Homos?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Some blogs meander along trying to be very politically correct. But not here at fasab. Controversial or not, the philosophy here is to tell it as it is.

So to repeat the question in the title…. 

Should we get rid of homos?

.

Of course, I’m talking about homographs and homophones – I don’t know what YOU were thinking of?

If you are a regular visitor to this blog you will know that quite often we have a look at amusing misprints or mistakes on signs, classified ads, newspaper headlines, or wherever else they can be found.

Nearly always the problem is peoples’ failure to grasp the intricacies of the English language.

If you are born and bred in an English speaking country then it is relatively easy to grasp the basics of the language, although there is a steady deterioration in some of these, like speleling for example. (That was a deliberate mistake for comic affect by the way.)

So what about the homos then?

For those who haven’t made up their mind yet, a homograph – (also known as a heteronym, but where would have been the fun in that title?) – is a word of the same written form as another but of different meaning and usually different origin.

Sometimes it is pronounced the same as the other word, in which case it is known as a homograph.

Sometimes they are pronounced differently, in which case they are called homophones.

An example of the former is the word “letter” which is pronounced the same whether the meaning is a message written to someone, or to describe a particular member of the alphabet such as ‘A’, ‘B’, ‘C’, etc.

An example of the latter could be the word “lead” which is pronounced differently if it means a metal (“the lead was very heavy”), or to be the front runner of a group of people (“he was in the lead”).

There are a lot more homos around than you might at first think. Here are just a few examples I saw recently. I hope you find them interesting and maybe even begin to realize what a nightmare learning the English language must be for those not immersed in it from a very young age.

.

1) The bandage was “wound” around the “wound”.

.

2) The farm was used to “produce” “produce”.

.

3) The dump was so full that it had to “refuse” more “refuse”.

.

4) We must “polish” the “Polish” furniture.

.

5) He could “lead” if he would get the “lead” out.

.

6) The soldier decided to “desert”  his “dessert” in the “desert”.

.

7) Since there is no time like the “present”, he thought it was time to “present” the “present”.

.

8) A “bass” was painted on the head of the “bass” drum.

.

9) When shot at the “dove”  “dove” into the bushes.

.

10) I did not “object” to the “object”.

.

11) The insurance was “invalid” for the “invalid”.

.

12) There was a “row” among the oarsmen about how to “row”.

.

13) They were too “close” to the door to “close” it.

.

14) The buck “does” funny things when the “does” are present.

.

15) A seamstress and a “sewer” fell down into a “sewer” line.

.

16) The farmer used a “sow” to help him “sow” the crop.

.

17) The “wind” was too strong to “wind” the sail.

.

18) Upon seeing the “tear” in the painting I shed a “tear”.

.

19) I had to “subject” the “subject” to a series of tests.

.

20) How can I “intimate” this to my most “intimate” friend?

.

.

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. 

For example, there are no “eggs” in “eggplant”, nor “ham” in “hamburger”.  

There is neither “pine” nor “apple” in “pineapple”.

“English” muffins weren’t invented in “England” nor “French” fries in “France”.

“Sweetmeats” are “sweet” but are candies and not “meats”, whereas “sweetbreads” are neither “sweet” nor “bread”, but in fact meat.

Boxing “rings” are “square” and a “guinea pig” is neither from “Guinea” nor is it a “pig”.

.

And why is it that “writers” “write”, but “fingers” don’t “fing”, “grocers” don’t “groce” and “hammers” don’t “ham”?

.

If the plural of “tooth” is “teeth”, why isn’t the plural of “booth”, “beeth”? Why one “index”, but two or more “indices”?  Or why do you have one “goose” and two “geese”, and one “moose” but never two “meese”?

.

You can make “amends” but what do you do if you have just one thing to amend? Or if you have a bunch of “odds and ends” and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call what’s left?

.

If teachers “taught”, why didn’t preachers “praught”?

And if a “vegetarian” eats vegetables, what does a “humanitarian” eat?

.

In what other language would people “recite at a play” and “play at a recital”; have “noses” that “run” and “feet” that “smell”; or send a “shipment” by “car” and “cargo” by “ship”?

.

How can a “slim chance” and a “fat chance” be the same, while a “wise man” and a “wise guy” are opposites?

.

Or why can people like the Amish “raise” a barn, meaning to “erect” a building, whereas everywhere else when we “raise” a building to the ground we mean we “demolish” it?

.

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn “up” as it burns “down”; in which you “fill in” a form by “filling it out”; and in which an alarm goes “off” by going “on”.

.

Even when you are standing still you can be part of the human “race” and you can look at the stars which are visible when they are “out”, unlike a light which is invisible when it is “out”.

.

Finally, there is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is “UP”.

It’s easy to understand “UP”, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we “wake UP”? At a meeting, why does a topic “come UP”? Why do we “speak UP”?

Or do what I am going to do now, which is to “shut UP”.

.

==============================

.

More Facts – And That’s A Fact!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Welcome to another selection of random facts and the chance to prepare yourself for questions that you may never be asked.

Enjoy.

.

.

While in Alcatraz, Al Capone was inmate 85.

.

.

The airport scene at the end of classic movie “Casablanca”

was produced using a cardboard model of a plane

and little people actors in the background!!

.

.

Donkeys kill more people than plane crashes.

.

.

The White House has 32 bathrooms,

and 6 levels to accommodate all the people

who live in, work in, and visit the White House.

There are also 412 doors, 147 windows,

28 fireplaces, 7 staircases, and 3 elevators.

.

.

Hummingbirds are the only animals that can fly backwards.

.

.

In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down

but only 6 people were injured.

.

.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

.

.

Each year there is one ton of cement poured

for each man woman and child in the world.

.

.

The most common name in Italy is Mario Rossi.

.

.

Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails!

.

.

Rugby, North Dakota is the geographical center of North America.

.

.

Butte County, South Dakota is the geographical center of the U.S.

.

.

No matter where you stand in Michigan,

you are never more than 85 miles from a Great Lake.

.

.

The number “four” is considered unlucky in Japan

because it is pronounced the same as “death”.

.

.

Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance

ever nominated for an Oscar with “Midnight Cowboy.”

Her entire role lasted only six minutes.

.

.

You’re more likely to get stung by a bee

on a windy day than in any other weather.

.

.

The world’s deepest hole is the Sakhali I oil well in Russia

(part owned by Exxon Mobil) which is 12.345 Km. deep (7.67 miles).

Previously to this the Al Shaheen oil well (12.29km or 7.64 miles)

dug in Qatar was the deepest oil well.

.

.

Spain leads the world in cork production

.

.

A jail in Brazil allows its inmates to pedal exercise bikes

to power lights in a nearby town in exchange for reduced sentences.

.

.

The Boston University Bridge

(on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts)

is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train

driving under a car driving under an airplane.

.

==================================

.

Another Twenty Challenging Questions – Yes It’s Quiz Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Another start to the week and another twenty challenging questions in our latest quiz.

Easy, difficult and few “curve balls” in this lot, so see how well you do.

As usual the answers are given waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below.

But NO cheating please!

Enjoy.

.

.

Q   1:  In Italy who or what is known as “Topolino”?

.

.

Q   2:  How many men in total have landed on and explored the Moon?

.

.

Q   3:  How many women in total have landed on and explored the Moon?

.

.

Q   4:  In their natural habitats, what percentage of penguins live south of the equator?

.

.

Q   5:  In what book of The Bible is God not mentioned?

.

.

Q   6:  What do they call a “French kiss” in France?

.

.

Q   7:  What is the longest English word without a vowel?

.

.

Q   8:  What is the driest state in the U.S.?

.

.

Q   9:  A group of toads is called a what?

.

.

Q  10:  The first toilet ever seen on television was on what show?

.

.

Q  11:  How many of the 44 US Presidents has worn glasses?

.

.

Q  12:  Can you think of a word that is pronounced differently by merely capitalizing the first letter?

There are several, a point for each.

.

.

Q  13:  What word describes a woman who does not have all her fingers on one hand?

.

.

Q  14:  At various times throughout history known as the “President’s Palace,” the “President’s House,” and the “Executive Mansion”, what US President officially gave the White House its current name in 1901?

.

.

Q  15:  What is the only capital letter in the Roman alphabet (the one we use) with exactly one end point?

.

.

Q  16:  What US state’s motto is “Wisdom, Justice and Moderation.”

.

.

Q  17:  What TV comedy series character’s catchphrase was “I’m listening”?

.

.

Q  18:  In what country do people generally answer the phone by saying, “I’m listening”.

.

.

Q  19:  What is light as a feather, but even the strongest man cannot hold it more than a few minutes?

.

.

Q  20:  How can you make seven even?

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> 

.

ANSWERS

.

Q   1:  In Italy who or what is known as “Topolino”?

A   1:  Mickey Mouse is known as “Topolino” in Italy

.

. 

Q   2:  How many men in total have landed on and explored the Moon?

A   2:  Twelve men have landed on and explored the moon

 .

.

Q   3:  How many women in total have landed on and explored the Moon?

A   3:  Zero, no women have landed on and explored the moon

.

. 

Q   4:  In their natural habitats, what percentage of penguins live south of the equator?

A   4:  100%. All penguins live south of the equator

.

. 

Q   5:  In what book of The Bible is God not mentioned?

A   5:  The book of Esther.

.

. 

Q   6:  What do they call a “French kiss” in France?

A   6:  An “English Kiss”.

.

. 

Q   7:  What is the longest English word without a vowel?

A   7:  “Rhythm”

.

. 

Q   8:  What is the driest state in the U.S.?

A   8:  Nevada. Each year it averages 7.5 inches (19 cm) of rain.

.

. 

Q   9:  A group of toads is called a what?

A   9:  A knot.

.

. 

Q  10:  The first toilet ever seen on television was on what show?

A  10:  “Leave It to Beaver.”

.

. 

Q  11:  How many of the 44 US Presidents has worn glasses?

A  11:  Every US president has worn glasses (just not always in public).

.

. 

Q  12:  Can you think of a word that is pronounced differently by merely capitalizing the first letter?

There are several, a point for each.

A  12:  Here are some examples, there could be others

1. job  and  Job

2. herb  and  Herb

3. polish  and  Polish

and there could be more, so well done if you thought of others.

.

. 

Q  13:  What word describes a woman who does not have all her fingers on one hand?

A  13:  “Normal”. Normal people do not have ‘all’ their fingers on ‘one’ hand.

.

. 

Q  14:  At various times throughout history known as the “President’s Palace,” the “President’s House,” and the “Executive Mansion”, what US President officially gave the White House its current name in 1901?

A  14:  Theodore Roosevelt

.

. 

Q  15:  What is the only capital letter in the Roman alphabet (the one we use) with exactly one end point?

A  15:  The only capital letter in the Roman alphabet with exactly one end point is P.

Check out the others if you want, A(2), B (0), C (2), D (0), E (3), F (3), G (2), H (4), I (2), J (2), K (4), L (2), M (2), N (2), O (0), Q (2), R (2), S (2), T (3), U (2), V (2), W (2), X (4), Y (3), Z (2).  

.

. 

Q  16:  What US state’s motto is “Wisdom, Justice and Moderation.”

A  16:  The state motto of Georgia is “Wisdom, Justice and Moderation.”

.

. 

Q  17:  What TV comedy series character’s catchphrase was “I’m listening”?

A  17:  Frasier Crane played by the ever excellent Kelsey Grammar.

.

. 

Q  18:  In what country do people generally answer the phone by saying, “I’m listening”.

A  18:  Russians generally answer the phone by saying, “I’m listening”.

.

. 

Q  19:  What is light as a feather, but even the strongest man cannot hold it more than a few minutes?

A  19:  His breath.

.

. 

Q  20:  How can you make seven even?

A  20:  Just take away the “s”, duhhhh!

.

Not so easy. Hope you did okay!

.

======================================

.