Old Professors Never Die. They Just Lose Their Faculties.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

I probably should have said that they lose their faculties and end up as a pun.

In case you haven’t guessed it yet, today is another Pun Day.

So….

Enjoy or endure!

.

.

I call my house Lautrec

because it’s got two loos.

.

.

Beauty is in the eye

of the beerholder.

.

.

The UN. Bringing us all together

by ending conflicts around the world.

Peace by Peace.

.

.

Turns out my ex girlfriend Big Amy

had a secret husband.

If only there had been some clue.

.

.

Lawyers are like rhinoceroses:

thick-skinned, short-sighted

and always ready to charge.

.

.

Hey girls,

get yourself a Fisherman,

they’re reel men.

.

.

How did I escape Iraq?

Iran

.

.

My Dermatological Clinic

just wished me Merry Eczemas.

.

.

My wife suggested I go for

acupuncture treatment to cure me

from making annoying timber puns.

I can’t see why that woodwork.

.

.

Let me correct you –

the London Underground

is not a political movement.

.

.

It’s ironic that discus isn’t a sport

that many people talk about.

.

.

The Lawn Tennis Association’s website

has a fault they are having

problems with their server.

.

.

Many Americans oppose any change

to The Second Amendment of the

United States Constitution.

They’re really sticking to their guns.

.

.

I ordered a whole duck at the

Chinese restaurant last night!

It was great until I got to the bill.

.

.

Last night I dreamt I was

writing ‘Lord of the Rings’.

Turns out I was Tolkien in my sleep.

 

.

======================================

“I Think,” Said The Sweet Potato, “Therefore I Yam.”

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”
.
Well today I yam the poster of more puns.
Keep your groans handy, you might need ‘em.
Enjoy or endure.
.

.
You can say what you like

about freedom of speech.

.
.
I would love to dance at a metric party,

but I have two left 0.305 meters.

.
.
Waiters are good at multiplication

because they know their tables.

.
.
I accidentally grabbed a

live electric cable yesterday.

It really Hertz.

.
.
Capital punishment.

.
.
I used to work at a car garage

that had a jet wash.

It was pointless,

there was nowhere for them to land.

.
.
I got a 24 hour clock from

a garage sale for only 10/c.

They’ll be so mad,

it’s lasted far longer.

.
.
I’m in court accused of the murders of

Dracula and Monte Cristo.

I’m pleading guilty to both Counts.

.
.
There’s a Muslim in the street carrying a gun.

Police say he’s Ahmed and dangerous.

.
.
My ex girlfriend text to say that

she’d made a voodoo doll of me.

I think she’s pulling my leg.

.
.
I used to have a job in the police force,

in which I’d break into secure

computer files to uncover criminal activity.

That was until I was met by one system

that proved I wasn’t up to the job.

I just couldn’t hack it.

.
.
Driving home, I noticed I had a

police car right up my ass.

Must have a word with my nephew

about leaving his toys lying around.

.
.
I’d been worrying about my

geography exam for a long time.

When I sat down to take it,

the first question read;

“What is the correct term for any wind that

blows between 4 and 30 miles per hour?”

I don’t know what I was worried about.

It was a breeze.

.
.
I was so nervous when I met my

future father-in-law that i blurted out,

“Sir, May I have your daughters

hole in handy matrimony?”

.
.
What do you call a bunch of

kleptomaniacs with musical instruments?

A Steal Band.
.

.
============================================
.

I Can’t Believe Pretzels Are Knot Bread.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Get it?

Pretzels, knot bread?

Never mind. Time to unravel a few more word plays.

It’s Pun Day.

Enjoy or endure!

.

.

Here’s a good one for you,

Good one.

.

.

I went to the museum to feed the animals

But they were all stuffed

.

.

Those disposable cameras

are a complete con.

Now I have absolutely no record

of a perfectly lovely holiday.

 

.

.

My girlfriend said she was going to

leave me because of my obsession with

pointing out inanimate objects…

So I showed her the door.

.

.

My son has been asked

to sign for his local team.

To be honest,

I never knew they were deaf.

.

.

Cadbury’s have brought out

a new box of chocolates

for inconsiderate people.

They’re self centered.

.

.

I run a business selling tiny models

of Buddha and Mohammed.

Sales aren’t the best but

I’m making small prophets.

.

.

Everyone’s blaming me for the

animal noises on the video conference at work.

Seems I’ve been made into a Skypegoat.

.

.

The English language

is the best in the world.

It just has a certain…

je ne sais quoi.

.

.

My family abandoned me,

my ex-girlfriend took everything I own,

and my children hate me

all because of my constant optimism.

Still, it could be worse.

.

.

My wife asked me for a

new wardrobe last Christmas,

so I got her one.

Turns out she just wanted clothes

.

.

I’m looking forward

to my dirty weekend.

Wash the car,

clean the garden,

take rubbish out……

.

.

I got water trapped in my ears

after having a shower this morning.

It was a near deaf experience.

.

.

If you like women

as well as the next man

you’re probably bi-sexual.

.

.

What’s the temperature in Motown ?

Three degrees, four tops…

.

.

======================================

.

Clones Are People Two.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Great news today!

The September puns start here.

I know you will, but I’ll say it anyway.

Enjoy!

.

.

My son broke his Apple computer today and

had the audacity to ask me to buy him a new one.

I just told him, “Apples don’t grow on trees you know!”

 

.

.

I didn’t hear the sea when I held a Shell up.

I did, however, get six years in jail

for armed robbery of a gas station.

 

.

.

NBC have commissioned my new show about

what goes on inside an airplane cockpit.

We’re filming the pilot next week.

 

.

.

A man walks into a library and says

“I hope you don’t have a book on reverse psychology.”

 

.

.

People used to tell me being blind would

hinder my chances of becoming a comedian.

Who’s laughing now?

 

.

.

My cheating ex-girlfriend was called Tulsa.

Looking back, she was aslut.

 

.

.

My friend recently moved in with his girlfriend

and her massive magazine collection.

But when she refused to part with them he left her.

Apparently she had too many issues.

 

.

.

I’m not worried about the Third World War.

That’s the Third World’s Problem.

 

.

.

I have got a bit of a reputation as a ladies man in my local bar.

All I can say is, they smell so much cleaner than the gents.

 

.

.

Some guy broke into my house last night.

Thankfully the only thing he took was one of my bullets.

 

.

.

My father’s answer to everything was alcohol.

He didn’t drink, he was just bad at quizzes.

 

.

.

I recently went on a holiday to a place called Romania.

It was useless; no one was even rowing.

 

.

.

A guy I know has invented a new hobby

called “blindfold plane watching”.

Can’t see it taking off.

 

.

.

I was watching a DVD on my laptop when I thought,

“Maybe it would be better if I put it in.”

 

.

.

My wife told me she was absolutely fed up with the world.

“Why?” I asked

“Arrogant people like you!” she screamed back.

I said “Yeah they do, don’t they?”

 

.

.

Someone has been pretending to be Mr T by using a similar name,

but no-one knows his real identity.

It’s a Mr E.

 

.

.

I’m reading a book about the Titanic at the moment,

and the experts speculate that the designer of the Titanic had a lisp.

That’s unthinkable!

 

.

.

I went to the shop and said, “I need a battery so I can tell the time.”

The man said, “Is it for a clock?”

I said, “How do I know, that’s why I asked you for a battery.”

 

.

.

I won $2 million on the lottery this weekend

so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Now I have $ 1,999,999.75.

 

.

.

I’ll leave you with a word of warning.

.

===========================================

.

Did They Really Mean To Say That? – Newspaper Headline Nightmares, Part Fifteen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Another super blooper bundle from the newspapers.

Something in here should rise a smile and provide an embarrassment or two for the editorial staff.

Enjoy.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

===================================================

.