Ivory hunters, tsk tsk.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Tsk, tsk indeed. What a terrible thing to do.

But what is also terrible, and the more terrible the better it seems, are puns.

It’s word play day.

Enjoy or endure!!!

.

rofl

.

When it comes to making money,

I’ve got to hand it to my wife.

All of it.

cartoon handing money to wife

.

.

Apprehended:

The new App that reminds

you your hen is dead.

Apprehended

.

.

I had an argument with my neighbor

about my trees growing over his fence.

When I extended the olive branch

it only made matters worse.

trees growing over fence

.

.

I went into a bar and said to the guy serving,

‘How much is a pint of lager?’

He replied,

‘Five hundred and sixty-eight millilitres.’

pint v milliliters

.

.

My identical twin was hit by a bus last year.

He’s not been the same since.

twins

.

.

I got lost on my first day of college,

which is when I met my wife.

She was lost too, and neither I nor she knew

what class we were supposed to be in.

And as I stared into her eyes,

I knew that we had chemistry.

chemistry

.

.

I brewed 5 gallons of homebrew.

It was pretty weak so my friend offered me ten bucks 

if I could drink the lot in one session…

I was going to accept, but in the end I bottled it.

homebrew_equipment

.

.

I live for my alarm clock collection,

it’s the only reason I get up in the morning.

alarm clock collection

.

.

I just fired my limousine driver.

I don’t know why,

because I have nothing to chauffeur it.

limousine driver

.

.

Just had lunch at an excellent Christian restaurant

called “The Lord Giveth”.

They also do takeaways.

takeaways

.

.

My wife was preparing lunch today when she asked,

“Sweetheart, where’s the cheese grater?”

“Some would say France, others would say England,” I replied.

cheese

.

.

I bought some really odd shaped eggs

but now i can’t find them.

I think they’ve been mislaid.

odd shaped eggs

.

.

Me and my girl plan to recreate every position

from the Kama Sutra tonight using only Lego bricks.

The excitement is building.

Kama Sutra Lego bricks

.

.

I asked my son what his sexuality was.

He replied ”bi”.

Ironically, his answer forced me

to say the exact same thing.

bye

.

.

Eminem goes to check the weather

It’s rainy and gray outside

He goes back to watch TV

Checks weather back in 10 minutes

Still shady

.

.

=========================================

.

Did You Know? – It’s A First Tuesday Fact Feast!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

It’s the first Tuesday of 2014 so here are a few lesser known facts about the New Year, its traditions and its celebrations.

Enjoy.

.

did you know4

.

January is named after Janus, the god with two faces,

one looking forward and one looking backward.

janus

.

.

The Scottish ‘First Footer’ tradition or superstition originates

in the belief that the first visitor on New Year’s Day would bring

either good luck or bad luck for the rest of the year,

depending on who he/she was.

First Footer

.

.

The tradition of fireworks and making loud noises on New Year’s Eve

is believed to have originated in ancient times,

when noise and fire were thought to dispel evil spirits and bring good luck.

New-Years-Desktop-Pictures-New-Years-Eve-in-Sydney

.

.

Traditionally, it was thought that people could alter the luck

they would have throughout the coming year

by what they did or ate on the first day of the year.

It has, therefore, become important to celebrate first day of the New Year

in the company of family and friends.

new year party

.

.

Almost half of Americans make New Year’s Resolutions,

mainly about losing weight, stopping smoking, being better organized,

staying fit and healthy and spending less and saving more.

new year resolutions

.

.

More than half of Americans who make New Year’s Resolutions

are able to keep them for less than a month.

resolutions broken

.

.

In Denmark, it is a good sign when you find broken dishes in front of your door.

Danish people specially keep a few plates that they break

to place at their friends’ doors on New Year’s Eve.

broken plates

.

.

Many parts of the U.S. celebrate New Year by consuming black-eyed peas

and other legumes, as it has been considered good luck in many cultures.

Black-Eyed-Peas

.

.

Ancient Persians gave New Year’s gifts of eggs,

which symbolized productiveness.

Eggs

.

.

“Auld Lang Syne” is traditionally sung at midnight on New Year’s Eve.

It was written by Scottish poet Robert Burns in 1788

and may have based it on a folk song.

The words “auld lang syne” mean “times gone by”.

Robert Burns

.

.

More than a third of a billion glasses of Champagne and other sparkling wine

are consumed during the Christmas / New Year celebrations.

champagne glasses

.

.

In Brazil at New Year many people dress in white

as a sign or hope for peace for the coming year.

brazil new year

.

.

The Time Square New Year’s Eve Ball came about as a result of a ban on fireworks.

The first ball, in 1907, was an illuminated 700-pound iron and wood ball

adorned with one hundred 25-watt light bulbs.

Today, the round ball designed by Waterford Crystal, weighs 11,875-pounds,

is 12 feet in diameter and is bedazzled with 2,668 Waterford crystals.

The only time the New Year’s Eve ball was not lowered was

in 1942 and 1943 due to wartime restrictions.

times-square-ball

.

.

The tradition of ringing in the New Year dates back four thousand years,

to the time of the Babylonians who celebrated it at

the first full moon after the spring equinox.

HNY Bells

.

.

In 46 BC Julius Caesar made January 1st the first day of the year.

In England and its colonies, including America,

we didn’t do the same until 1752.

julius caesar

.

.

The top three destinations in the United States

to ring in the New Year are

Las Vegas, Disney World and New York City.

Las Vegas New Years

.

.

Many cultures believe that anything given or taken on New Year,

in the shape of a ring is good luck,

because it symbolizes “coming full circle”.

rings

.

.

In America more vehicles are stolen on New Year’s Day

than on any other holiday throughout the year.

StolenCar

.

.

The Spanish ritual on New Year’s Eve is to eat twelve grapes at midnight.

The tradition is meant to secure twelve happy months in the coming year.

12-uvas-nocheviejas

.

.

The Ethiopian Calendar has twelve months with 30 days each and a

thirteenth month called Pagume with five or six days depending on the year.

Their current year is still 2006 and they celebrate New Years on September 11.

ethopian calendar

.

========================================

.

Twenty Quiz Questions. Go On, Have A Go!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Hello and welcome to another start of the week quiz.

Another very random selection of questions, but don’t let that discourage you, have a go!

As usual the answers are given waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below – but please, NO cheating.

Enjoy, and good luck.

.

Quiz 6

.

Q.  1:  How many Dalmatians starred in the 1961 Disney movie?

.

.

Q.  2:  Where do they make California license plates?

.

.

Q.  3:  What is the collective term for a group of eggs, such as those found in a bird’s nest?

.

.

Q.  4:  Which famous lady edited Michael Jackson’s 1988 autobiography “Moonwalk”?

.

.

Q.  5:  What do they call G.I. Joe in the U.K.?

.

.

Q.  6:  What was US President Woodrow Wilson’s first name?

.

.

Q.  7:  In which American town or city was the TV series “Ironside” set?

.

.

Q.  8:  What is your “niddick”? (Yes, ladies you have one too.)

.

.

Q.  9:  In which movie, also starring Dustin Hoffman, did Sir Laurence Olivier play a Nazi war criminal named Dr. Christian Szell?

.

.

Q. 10:  What is the name for the metal band that joins the eraser to a pencil, or the metal band at the end of a cane?

.

.

Q. 11:  Name the only U.S. state that borders three different Canadian provinces.

.

.

Q. 12:  Who succeeded Nasser as President of Egypt and was later assassinated?

.

.

Q. 13:  Where did camels originate?

.

.

Q. 14:  What famous musical was set in Austria?

.

.

Q. 15:  What is the Scoville Heat Index and what is it used for?

.

.

Q. 16:  Who conquered Greece in 336 at the head of a vast Macedonian Army?

.

.

Q. 17:  Name the three lead stars in the movie “Some Like It Hot”.

.

.

Q. 18:  What was the first country to seek diplomatic relations with the United States.

.

.

Q. 19:  In which movies did Charlton Heston play the following roles?

    a. George Taylor,

    b. Moses,

    c. Michelangelo,

    d. General ‘Chinese’ Gordon,

    e. Rodrigo Diaz de Vivar,

    f. John the Baptist

(One point for each correct answer so your chance to earn six points here!)

.

.

Q. 20:  What was the only father-daughter collaboration to hit number one on the Billboard pop chart? (One point each for the names of the two artists and for the name of the song.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

ANSWERS

.

Q.  1:  How many Dalmatians starred in the 1961 Disney movie?

A.  1:  101

.

.

Q.  2:  Where do they make California license plates?

A.  2:  All California license plates are made in prisons.

.

.

Q.  3:  What is the collective term for a group of eggs, such as those found in a bird’s nest?

A.  3:  A group of eggs, such as those found in a bird’s nest, is known as a “clutch.”

.

.

Q.  4:  Which famous lady edited Michael Jackson’s 1988 autobiography “Moonwalk”?

A.  4:  Michael Jackson’s 1988 autobiography Moonwalk was edited by Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis.

.

.

Q.  5:  What do they call G.I. Joe in the U.K.?

A.  5:  G.I. Joe is called “Action Man” in the U.K.

.

.

Q.  6:  What was US President Woodrow Wilson’s first name?

A.  6:  Woodrow Wilson’s first name was Thomas. Woodrow was actually his middle name.

.

.

Q.  7:  In which American town or city was the TV series “Ironside” set?

A.  7:  San Francisco

.

.

Q.  8:  What is your “niddick”? (Yes, ladies you have one too.)

A.  8:  “Niddick” is another name for the nape of your neck.

.

.

Q.  9:  In which movie, also starring Dustin Hoffman, did Sir Laurence Olivier play a Nazi war criminal named Dr. Christian Szell?

A.  9:  Marathon Man.

.

.

Q. 10:  What is the name for the metal band that joins the eraser to a pencil, or the metal band at the end of a cane?

A. 10:  The metal band that joins the eraser to a pencil and the metal band at the end of a cane is a called a “ferrule.”

.

.

Q. 11:  Name the only U.S. state that borders three different Canadian provinces.

A. 11:  Montana is the only U.S. state that borders three different Canadian provinces (Alberta, British Columbia, and Saskatchewan).

.

.

Q. 12:  Who succeeded Nasser as President of Egypt and was later assassinated?

A. 12:  Anwar Sadat.

.

.

Q. 13:  Where did camels originate?

A. 13:  Camels actually originated in North America.

.

.

Q. 14:  What famous musical was set in Austria?

A. 14:  The Sound Of Music.

.

.

Q. 15:  What is the Scoville Heat Index and what is it used for?

A. 15:  The Scoville Heat Index is a scale for measuring the spiciness of food. The spiciest pepper has over 1,000,000 Scoville units.

.

.

Q. 16:  Who conquered Greece in 336 at the head of a vast Macedonian Army?

A. 16:  Alexander The Great.

.

.

Q. 17:  Name the three lead stars in the movie “Some Like It Hot”.

A. 17:  Jack Lemmon, Tony Curtis and Marilyn Monroe.

.

.

Q. 18:  What was the first country to seek diplomatic relations with the United States.

A. 18:  In 1777, Morocco became the first country to seek diplomatic relations with the United States.

.

.

Q. 19:  In which movies did Charlton Heston play the following roles?

    a. George Taylor,

    b. Moses,

    c. Michelangelo,

    d. General ‘Chinese’ Gordon,

    e. Rodrigo Diaz de Vivar,

    f. John the Baptist

(One point for each correct answer so your chance to earn six points here!)

A. 19:  Charlton Heston played

    a. George Taylor in “Planet of the Apes (Beneath the Planet of the Apes)”

    b. Moses in “The Ten Commandments”

    c. Michelangelo in “The Agony and the Ecstasy”

    d. General ‘Chinese’ Gordon in “Khartoum”

    e. Rodrigo Diaz de Vivar in “El Cid”

    f. John the Baptist in “The Greatest Story Ever Told”

.

.

Q. 20:  What was the only father-daughter collaboration to hit number one on the Billboard pop chart? (One point each for the names of the two artists and for the name of the song.)

A. 20:  The only father-daughter collaboration to hit number one on the Billboard pop chart was “Something Stupid” by Frank & Nancy Sinatra in 1967.

.

.

=====================================

.

Controversial Post? – Should We Get Rid Of Homos?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Some blogs meander along trying to be very politically correct. But not here at fasab. Controversial or not, the philosophy here is to tell it as it is.

So to repeat the question in the title…. 

Should we get rid of homos?

.

Of course, I’m talking about homographs and homophones – I don’t know what YOU were thinking of?

If you are a regular visitor to this blog you will know that quite often we have a look at amusing misprints or mistakes on signs, classified ads, newspaper headlines, or wherever else they can be found.

Nearly always the problem is peoples’ failure to grasp the intricacies of the English language.

If you are born and bred in an English speaking country then it is relatively easy to grasp the basics of the language, although there is a steady deterioration in some of these, like speleling for example. (That was a deliberate mistake for comic affect by the way.)

So what about the homos then?

For those who haven’t made up their mind yet, a homograph – (also known as a heteronym, but where would have been the fun in that title?) – is a word of the same written form as another but of different meaning and usually different origin.

Sometimes it is pronounced the same as the other word, in which case it is known as a homograph.

homograph definition

Sometimes they are pronounced differently, in which case they are called homophones.

homophone definition

An example of the former is the word “letter” which is pronounced the same whether the meaning is a message written to someone, or to describe a particular member of the alphabet such as ‘A’, ‘B’, ‘C’, etc.

An example of the latter could be the word “lead” which is pronounced differently if it means a metal (“the lead was very heavy”), or to be the front runner of a group of people (“he was in the lead”).

There are a lot more homos around than you might at first think. Here are just a few examples I saw recently. I hope you find them interesting and maybe even begin to realize what a nightmare learning the English language must be for those not immersed in it from a very young age.

.

1) The bandage was “wound” around the “wound”.

.

2) The farm was used to “produce” “produce”.

.

3) The dump was so full that it had to “refuse” more “refuse”.

.

4) We must “polish” the “Polish” furniture.

.

5) He could “lead” if he would get the “lead” out.

.

6) The soldier decided to “desert”  his “dessert” in the “desert”.

.

7) Since there is no time like the “present”, he thought it was time to “present” the “present”.

.

8) A “bass” was painted on the head of the “bass” drum.

.

9) When shot at the “dove”  “dove” into the bushes.

.

10) I did not “object” to the “object”.

.

11) The insurance was “invalid” for the “invalid”.

.

12) There was a “row” among the oarsmen about how to “row”.

.

13) They were too “close” to the door to “close” it.

.

14) The buck “does” funny things when the “does” are present.

.

15) A seamstress and a “sewer” fell down into a “sewer” line.

.

16) The farmer used a “sow” to help him “sow” the crop.

.

17) The “wind” was too strong to “wind” the sail.

.

18) Upon seeing the “tear” in the painting I shed a “tear”.

.

19) I had to “subject” the “subject” to a series of tests.

.

20) How can I “intimate” this to my most “intimate” friend?

.

.

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. 

For example, there are no “eggs” in “eggplant”, nor “ham” in “hamburger”.  

There is neither “pine” nor “apple” in “pineapple”.

“English” muffins weren’t invented in “England” nor “French” fries in “France”.

“Sweetmeats” are “sweet” but are candies and not “meats”, whereas “sweetbreads” are neither “sweet” nor “bread”, but in fact meat.

Boxing “rings” are “square” and a “guinea pig” is neither from “Guinea” nor is it a “pig”.

.

And why is it that “writers” “write”, but “fingers” don’t “fing”, “grocers” don’t “groce” and “hammers” don’t “ham”?

.

If the plural of “tooth” is “teeth”, why isn’t the plural of “booth”, “beeth”? Why one “index”, but two or more “indices”?  Or why do you have one “goose” and two “geese”, and one “moose” but never two “meese”?

.

You can make “amends” but what do you do if you have just one thing to amend? Or if you have a bunch of “odds and ends” and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call what’s left?

.

If teachers “taught”, why didn’t preachers “praught”?

And if a “vegetarian” eats vegetables, what does a “humanitarian” eat?

.

In what other language would people “recite at a play” and “play at a recital”; have “noses” that “run” and “feet” that “smell”; or send a “shipment” by “car” and “cargo” by “ship”?

.

How can a “slim chance” and a “fat chance” be the same, while a “wise man” and a “wise guy” are opposites?

.

Or why can people like the Amish “raise” a barn, meaning to “erect” a building, whereas everywhere else when we “raise” a building to the ground we mean we “demolish” it?

.

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn “up” as it burns “down”; in which you “fill in” a form by “filling it out”; and in which an alarm goes “off” by going “on”.

.

Even when you are standing still you can be part of the human “race” and you can look at the stars which are visible when they are “out”, unlike a light which is invisible when it is “out”.

.

Finally, there is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is “UP”.

It’s easy to understand “UP”, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we “wake UP”? At a meeting, why does a topic “come UP”? Why do we “speak UP”?

Or do what I am going to do now, which is to “shut UP”.

.

==============================

.

A Thought For Easter Sunday

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

truth lies

.

My father, who I loved and respected deeply, passed quite suddenly many years ago one August 12th. Now don’t worry, tissues not required, this isn’t going to be one of those sentimental posts as you will see in a moment, just setting a principle.

You see ever since that day I always know that when August 12th comes round that is the anniversary of his passing. Not that I do much to commemorate it or anything, but every year – same date – that’s it.

So why am I talking about something that happened in mid August now at the end of March?

Well, because they tell me this weekend is Easter and that always messes with my logic circuits.

Easter is a day that is honored by nearly all of contemporary Christianity to celebrate the Resurrection of Jesus Christ, which took place on the third day after his crucifixion at Calvary.

So here’s a simple question.

If someone we know dies on a certain day of a certain month that date remains constant, it does not change, the anniversary is the same every year.

So why do we celebrate the Resurrection (death plus three days) of Jesus on such wildly varying dates?

For example in 2011 it was April 24th, last year it was April 8th, this year it is March 31st and next year it will be April 20th.

The only way that makes sense, is if the date we are told to celebrate has as little to do with the Resurrection and Christianity as have eggs, bunnies or candy.

It doesn’t seem to matter any more in America and many other western countries because the powers that be are intent on abandoning their Christian ethos for fear of offending those who refuse to abandon their religious beliefs. They are quite happy with the confusion.

It is, however, fairly clear if you do even a little bit of research on the subject, (and I encourage you to do your own research and not take my word for it), that most of the things people now commonly associate with Easter have in fact pagan, rather than Christian, origins.

And the pagan roots of Easter lie in the worship of pagan gods and in celebrating the spring equinox, which marks the end of winter and beginning of spring. Biologically and culturally, it represents for northern climates the end of a “dead” season and the rebirth of life, as well as the importance of fertility and reproduction.

References to a similar holiday have been found as far back as 2400 BC (that’s ‘B’ as in ‘before’ ‘C’ Christ) when, for example, the city of Ur apparently had a celebration dedicated to the moon and the spring equinox which was held some time during our months of March or April. “Ishtar”, which is pronounced “Easter” was a day that commemorated the resurrection of a pagan ‘god’ called “Tammuz”, who was believed to be the only begotten son of the moon-goddess and the sun-god. In other cultures he acquired different names, including “Osiris”, “Orpheus”, and “Dionysus”.

The Phrygian fertility goddess “Cybele”, was one of the most popular of these pagan gods, and worship of “Cybele” started in Rome around 200 BC. Ironically, a cult dedicated to her was even located on what is today Vatican Hill.

Even today modern Wiccans and neo-pagans celebrate “Ostara,” or “Eostre” which are derived from the Anglo-Saxon lunar goddess, “Eostre”. “Eostre’s” feast day is held on the first full moon following the vernal equinox – a similar calculation as is used for Easter among Western Christians. On this date the goddess “Eostre” is believed by her followers to mate with the solar god, conceiving a child who would be born nine months later on Yule, the winter solstice which falls on December 21st.

Two of “Eostre’s” most important symbols are the hare (both because of its fertility and because ancient people saw a hare in the full moon) and the egg, which symbolized the growing possibility of new life. Each of these symbols continues to play an important role in modern celebrations of Easter.

So Easter, like many other things the establishment encourages us to believe, is not quite what it purports to be.

I’ll leave the last word to someone smarter than me,

“See that no man deceive you.” Matt 24:4

.

=========================

.

You Can Pick Any Subject And Still Be Sure Quiz Show Contestants Will Know Nothing About It

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

I’m not sure how many more of these quiz show answers are left in the archives, but there are enough for today’s selection.

It doesn’t seem to matter what subject the questions are about, you are still almost guaranteed that a quiz show contestant will not only know nothing about it, but will come up with the most irrelevant and absurd answers.

Enjoy.

.

.

Q:  Who played agent 007 in the 1989 film Licence To Kill?

A:  Err…………James Bond?

licencetokill

.

.

Q:  With whom did Britain go to war over the Falklands?

A:  Err   .          .          .

Q:  It s a South American country.

A:  Iran.

.

.

Q:  Name a domestic animal.

A:  Leopard.

.

.

Q:  Name a game you can play in the bath.

A:  Scuba diving.

scuba diving in the bath

.

.

Q:  How many strings does a guitar have?

A:  Err   …Four.

Q:  It s the number of wives that Henry VIII had   .          .          .

A:  Oh! Five.

.

.

Q: Name a prime number between 20 and 40.

A: Between 20 and 40?

Q: Yes.

A: 7. 

.

.

Q: After his abdication, King Edward VIII of England became known as the Duke of where?

A: Duke of Earl. 

darts-duke_of_earl

.

.

Q: Who wrote Hamlet?

A: Um, MacBeth.

.

.

Q: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?

A: Crocodiles.

.

.

Q: Name an animal whose eggs you probably never eat for breakfast.

A: Hamster.

.

.

Q: What creature squirts a smelly, unpleasant fluid at its enemies?

A: A snake.

Q: No, I’ll give you a clue — it’s black and white.

A: A bee!

.

.

Q: Which character narrates all but four of the Sherlock Holmes books?

A: The Pink Panther.

Pink_Panther_by_HypnoRukia

.

.

Q: What is the capital of Australia? And it’s not Sydney.

A: Sydney.

.

.

Q: We’re looking for a four-letter answer here. Shakespeare said that this by any other name would smell as sweet.

A: Soap?

.

.

Q: The four Gospels of the New Testament are attributed to Matthew, Mark, John and who?

A: Joe.

.

===========================

.