What You Seize Is What You Get.

Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And what you get today is more word play, otherwise known as puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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It was a big mistake I made, when I dared to be different.

I’ve never been the same since.

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My girlfriend and I write all our love letters in pencil.

We have a no-pen relationship.

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I could demonstrate to you how easily my new

drill goes through human flesh and bone…

But I don’t want to bore you.

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You have to question the modus operandi of

people who use Latin for no reason.

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When my friend’s enormous wife was rushed to A&E with

chest pains the doctor examined her

and said she needed a bypass.

He asked,

“Isn’t that a bit extreme, doctor?”

The Doc replied,

“Maybe, but she’s blocking other patients from getting into the hospital.”

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My plan to make money by using discarded feathers

to make soft furnishings has ended in disaster.

I can’t fill anything from the waste down

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A worker has fallen in to a large vat of melted butter at a dairy factory.

His condition has yet to be clarified.

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What do you call it when a bunch of women

dress up in saris before a wedding?

A hendu.

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A man applied for a job as a gynecologist the other day.

Unfortunately he was not qualified so he didn’t get a look in.

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Can anyone recommend something

I can use in loo of toilet paper?

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I just started my new job at a leaf disposal company.

I’ve been raking it in.

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I had to send in a duplicate application to get a job making retro cars at Citroen.

They needed 2 CVs.

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I’ve just watched a video of lions being fed at Copenhagen Zoo.

It was very giraffic.

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I once met a really stupid bloke on a Greek island.

He was a Cretan.

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If I could take Abba out to lunch

I would, my friend, for Nandos.

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People Who Use Euphemisms Really Get On My You Know Whats!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Pun day!

Twenty more examples of word play to make you smile or groan, or maybe even both.

Enjoy!

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No matter how hard I try, I simply can’t figure out

what’s the opposite of ironing.

It’s depressing.

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What’s the difference between mountains and hills?

Mountains tend to get high, but hills are less inclined

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After criticizing yet another outfit, my wife said she

was going to leave me due to my poor dress sense.

“Please baby” I pleaded. “I can change.”

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Doctor Who started working for our road repair company today,

his first job was to fill in potholes.

“Tardis”, I told him.

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Pepperami..

What Sgt Pepper served in.

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Did you hear about the guy who was so stupid

that when they gave him enough rope,

he shot himself.

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The blow hard bloke next door says his car is more powerful than mine

and that he would easily beat me in a race.

He’s all torque.

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I’ve been caught up in a race row.

I don’t care what he says, I won fair and square.

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People often tell me I have very little patience.

But that’s probably because I’m a doctor specializing in dwarfism.

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A friend of mine accused me of plagiarism.

I didn’t know what that meant, but I took his word.

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I saw that the latest remake of the Dukes of Hazzard includes

a scene where Bo and Luke install a talking car alarm.

I’m not sure that’s going to go down well,

General Lee speaking.

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The wife used to work on a maternity ward.

It was labor-intensive.

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My new neighbor works in a board game factory.

His job is to take small wooden cubes and engrave them.

I don’t like him…

He’s dot a dice person.

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I stopped at a hotel last night called

“The good, the bad, and the ugly.”

It was a Best Western.

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I once met a really stupid bloke on a Greek island.

He was a Cretan.

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At an awards dinner last night,

I just finished enjoying some middle eastern dip

when I was called up to accept my award.

It was post hummus.

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A few weeks ago, 1,400 people were killed in Syria by a chemical attack.

It almost became Obama’s road to Degasmasks.

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I can never wear my lucky golf socks again.

I got a hole in one.

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And since we are almost at the end of today’s post,

I have to announce that unfortunately tonight’s

Self Harmers Anonymous group

has been cancelled due to staff cuts.

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An African lady called Betty came into my restaurant

and asked “Is there any chicken on the menu?”

I replied “No black Betty, it’s ham or lamb.”

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