Veni, Vidi, Velcro… I Came, I Saw, I Stuck Around.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I hope you stick around too, because it’s another Pun Day.

You know the drill….

Enjoy or endure!

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My little cousin has been diagnosed with an unusual case of OCD

where all he does all day is organize dinner plates by the year they were made,

It’s an extremely rare dish-order

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I’ve written my own book

called 50 Shades of Gravy.

It’s very saucy.

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I’m an easy target for muggers.

Take it from me.

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I knew I had failed my Braille exam at the time.

It just felt wrong.

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“How’s your new stairlift nan?”

“It’s driving me up the wall.”

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Just finished an experiment to find

the best cure for hiccups.

The result was a big surprise.

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I stabbed someone with a blunt pencil today.

It was an act of pointless violence.

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I just took some pills and now my pupils look massive!

I really shouldn’t take hallucinogenic drugs while teaching.

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The wife would like us to feel a gentle and relaxing breeze

all over our bodies when we have sex.

I’m not a fan.

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I thought I’d dug up an unknown

species of dinosaur in my back garden.

Excitedly I phoned the Natural History Museum,

but it turned out to be a fossil arm.

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Do you think eating horse meat

would give you the trots?

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I got my girlfriend the Connery and Dalton

James Bond movies for her birthday,

but she wasn’t happy.

I think she was expecting Moore.

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Hungry astronomers don’t like galaxies,

they prefer something that’s a little meteor.

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I have an Eskimo fetish,

but most people just aren’t that Inuit.

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I’ve booked a table at one of those new

Elvis Presley-themed steakhouses.

They’re for people who love meat tender.

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You Can’t Just Be Cremated – You Have To Urn It!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Like it says in the title, nothing is free these days.

Except for puns that is.

You just can’t put a price on that level of enjoyment!

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Guy #1:  “I’m stuck with one word on this crossword,

the clue is a 10 letter word, similar to being silly”

Guy #2:  “Oh, that’s ridiculous”

Guy #1:  “I know, I’ve been stuck on it for hours”.

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I’ve put in so many shifts where I work recently

that they’ve decided to fire me.

Making keyboards isn’t as easy as it looks.

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My sister had a baby boy and

she’s gonna name him Mark, but with a “C”.

Who ever heard of someone called “Cark”?

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The manager of the toy shop I work at phoned me and said:

“Steve, our stock records show that we’re missing a space hopper.

I need you to find it for me.”

I said, “Don’t worry boss, I’m on it.”

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Google Chrome

All you’ll get is a description of a metal.

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The head teacher at my school called me in to his office today.

He said, “I’ve just had a rock thrown through my window, are you responsible?”

I replied, “No, I’m irresponsible. That’s why I threw it.”

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Woke up this morning and my joints were really stiff.

I’ve only got myself to blame: I rolled them far too thick.

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For my next trick, I will eat a percussion instrument in a bap.

Drum roll, please.

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I bought a tree at the garden center that was far too big to get in the car,

so we had to cut the top off.

I didn’t really mind though,

I’ve always wanted a convertible.

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My girlfriend said it would be nice if I could maintain an erection.

So I’ve volunteered to clean bird crap off the Statue of Liberty.

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I saw a busker with no arms today singing so badly

I offered him five bucks to stop.

But that was just another note he couldn’t hold.

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I do not have an OCD over tidiness.

I just wanted to clear that up.

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My Korean friend was going to cook his wife a surprise birthday dinner.

But someone let the cat out of the bag.

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I’m planning a camping holiday but, I have to say,

I’m far from impressed with my travel insurance.

It turns out if someone steals my tent in the night,

I’ll no longer be covered.

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What are long, hard and delicious?

Adjectives.

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I find nothing is quite so annoying as having someone

carry on talking while you’re trying to interrupt.

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Apparently 80% of people who have cosmetic surgery

are disappointed by the results.

Which is a bit odd,

because most of them look pleasantly surprised.

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I was waiting in line for a club last night

and the guy at the door was checking IDs.

He was taking ages.

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Is anyone else tired,

or is it just M.E.?

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My friend’s new girlfriend has been around the block a few times…

Like most women, she’s crap at parking.

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Whiteboards Are Remarkable!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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What was that? Whiteboards are remarkable?

Yes, another pun day awaits below.

Enjoy!

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My New Zealand girlfriend said that

she was falling in love with my rubbish puns,

so I asked her to maori me.

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My boss said I couldn’t park my monster truck in the work car park.

So I went over her head.

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When my grandfather passed away,

I had his ashes kept in an old bottle of vodka.

I know he’s not here right now,

but he’s with me in spirit.

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Feminism is sooooo cute.

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My wife also left me because of my constant animal puns.

She just couldn’t Bear it…

So she Swanned off…

And took the Kids…

Well at least I no longer have to listen to her bleating on…

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I rang the local ramblers club yesterday.

The bloke at the other end went on and on and on.

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Some say a world without sin is ideal,

but there are only so many problems which can be answered

with cos and tan.

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The worst pub I’ve ever been to was called The Fiddle.

It really was a vile inn.

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If you’re always organizing things, you have OCD.

If you’re always eating things, you have OBCD.

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This girl came up to me today and

said she recognized me from vegetarian club.

I was confused, I’d never met herbivore.

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How did I get out of Iraq?

Iran.

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I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone.    

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I’m not a competitive person…

I’ll be the first to admit it.    

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Me and my friend have just been fighting

over which is the best vowel.

I won.      

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Iron man.

What a Fe male.

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Today, I walked into a restaurant.

“Hi, is my table ready?”

“No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?”

“No, that’s okay.”

“Great, take these to table six then.”

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What should you say when you see one of the toddlers

on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey?

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

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