You Can’t Just Be Cremated – You Have To Urn It!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Like it says in the title, nothing is free these days.

Except for puns that is.

You just can’t put a price on that level of enjoyment!

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Guy #1:  “I’m stuck with one word on this crossword,

the clue is a 10 letter word, similar to being silly”

Guy #2:  “Oh, that’s ridiculous”

Guy #1:  “I know, I’ve been stuck on it for hours”.

pun crossword_puzzle

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I’ve put in so many shifts where I work recently

that they’ve decided to fire me.

Making keyboards isn’t as easy as it looks.

pun shift_key

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My sister had a baby boy and

she’s gonna name him Mark, but with a “C”.

Who ever heard of someone called “Cark”?

pun cartoon_baby

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The manager of the toy shop I work at phoned me and said:

“Steve, our stock records show that we’re missing a space hopper.

I need you to find it for me.”

I said, “Don’t worry boss, I’m on it.”

pun space-hopper

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Google Chrome

All you’ll get is a description of a metal.

pun google-chrome-metal-text-effect

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The head teacher at my school called me in to his office today.

He said, “I’ve just had a rock thrown through my window, are you responsible?”

I replied, “No, I’m irresponsible. That’s why I threw it.”

pun Boy_Broken_Window

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Woke up this morning and my joints were really stiff.

I’ve only got myself to blame: I rolled them far too thick.

pun joints

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For my next trick, I will eat a percussion instrument in a bap.

Drum roll, please.

pun drum roll

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I bought a tree at the garden center that was far too big to get in the car,

so we had to cut the top off.

I didn’t really mind though,

I’ve always wanted a convertible.

pun car tree

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My girlfriend said it would be nice if I could maintain an erection.

So I’ve volunteered to clean bird crap off the Statue of Liberty.

pun statue of liberty

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I saw a busker with no arms today singing so badly

I offered him five bucks to stop.

But that was just another note he couldn’t hold.

pun five_dollar_bill

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I do not have an OCD over tidiness.

I just wanted to clear that up.

pun ocd

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My Korean friend was going to cook his wife a surprise birthday dinner.

But someone let the cat out of the bag.

pun cat out of the bag

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I’m planning a camping holiday but, I have to say,

I’m far from impressed with my travel insurance.

It turns out if someone steals my tent in the night,

I’ll no longer be covered.

pun stolen Tent

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What are long, hard and delicious?

Adjectives.

pun adjectives

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I find nothing is quite so annoying as having someone

carry on talking while you’re trying to interrupt.

pun interrupt

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Apparently 80% of people who have cosmetic surgery

are disappointed by the results.

Which is a bit odd,

because most of them look pleasantly surprised.

pun facelift

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I was waiting in line for a club last night

and the guy at the door was checking IDs.

He was taking ages.

pun standing in line

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Is anyone else tired,

or is it just M.E.?

pun myalgic encephalomyelitis

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My friend’s new girlfriend has been around the block a few times…

Like most women, she’s crap at parking.

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Sex While Camping: It’s Intense!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A little word play, get it? Intense? In tents??

Okay, okay.

Yes, it’s pun day. And they get better (or worse) than that.

So, enjoy!

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Today my girlfriend told me on the phone

that we were breaking up.

I went outside and the signal improved.

can u hear me now

Police searching for a missing child heard heavy breathing

coming from a parked van.

But, when they looked,

it was just a kid napping.

linus_van_pelt_baby_blanket

Last night I settled down to eat some Ben & Jerry’s with a DVD.

I couldn’t be bothered to wash a spoon.

ben-jerry

Pythagoras walks into a bar muttering,
‘If a right-angled triangle has a short side, X,

a long side, Y,

and hypotenuse, Z,

then the square of Z must be equal to

the sum of the square of X and the square of,

erm… uh…’

The barman says, ‘Y, the long face?’

Pythagoras cartoon

My friend asked me:

“What is the shortest race in the Olympics?”

After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer:

“Chinese,” I replied.

beijing-china-olympics

My wife was running a temperature so I rang the doctor.

He asked was she hot.

I said, “Well, with a little make-up…”

cartoon wife temperature

I was clinging for dear life to the face of the cliff.

As the rescue team approached one of the guys shouted

“Whatever you do, don’t look down”.

So I started smiling.

tony_cave

My house was repossessed at the weekend

but I don’t blame the bank.

It’s that useless priest not doing

the exorcism properly in the first place.

exorcism_1189135

My wife said we would have less arguments

if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I said, “FEWER ARGUMENTS”

pedantic+pedant

A shop assistant dared to ask me why I needed

twenty pots of White Out this morning.

Big mistake.

white_out

I’m thinking about turning rastafarian,

but I’m worried about the stress it will put on my hair…

I’m dreading it.

dreadlocks

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People call me Mr Compromise.

Wasn’t my first choice for a nickname,

but I can live with it.

Cartoon - Compromise With Me - ALG (600)

I’m only familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don’t know why.

Y

I needed some milk this morning,

so I went round to my neighbors

and asked them through the window.

“We’re all out,” they replied.

“No you’re not,” I said. “I can hear you in there.”

window

Every time I pour a round of drinks,

it goes all over the place.

I think I need glasses.

Pour 2

Drinking with a speech impediment

Is a whisky business.

whiskey-glasses

My friend never had the courage to get married,

But he has been engaged quite a few times.

So there’s been quite a few near Mrs.

wedding

After I won the local pub quiz last night

two gorgeous blondes came over to me.

The first one said,

“We find intelligent men incredibly hot and sexy.”

The second blonde said,

“Do you know what three way is?”

I replied,

“Yes, it’s the name of the dog in Hart to Hart.”

Dumb blondes will need a better quiz question than that

if they want to get the better of me,

I thought smugly to myself as I left the pub.

freeway01
Btw, the name’s “Freeway” not “Three way” dummy!

Everything is easier said than done.

Except for talking, that’s about the same.

talking

At any time, the temptation to sing

The Lion Sleeps Tonight

is never more than a whim away.

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Did You Know? More Random Facts From Fasab’s Files

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another chance to increase your knowledge with a very random list of facts from fasab’s files.

Have some fun throwing one or two of these into conversations. It will either make you the hit of the party, or you won’t be asked back. Possibly a win-win scenario!

As always, enjoy.

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did you know2

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“I” is the most spoken word in the English language

 i

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“You” is the second most spoken English word

 i-want-you

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An Olympic gold medal must contain 92.5 percent silver

London 2012 Olympic gold medal

 

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Lee Harvey Oswald’s cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992.

Lee Harvey Oswald toe tag

 

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The average American works 24,000 hours in their lifetime

just to pay their taxes

 Tax_Ftrs_TFD_cartoon_8hr_tax_bite

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A quarter of Russia is covered by forest.

Russian forest

 

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A rodents teeth never stop growing.

They are worn down by the animal’s constant gnawing

on bark, leaves, and vegetables.

clipart_mousechew

 

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About 3000 years ago, most Egyptians

died by the time they were thirty.

Pyramids

 

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A Walla Walla scene

is one where extras pretend to be talking in the background

when they say walla walla it looks like they are actually talking.

Extras

 

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Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans

because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.

spacesuit cartoon

 

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Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952.

Einstein

 

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Alexander the Great was an epileptic.

(He’d have a fit if he knew I’d told you that!)

Alexander the Great 

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In eighteenth century English gambling dens,

there was an employee whose only job

was to swallow the dice if there was a police raid.

swallow dice

 

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In England, in the 1800’s pants was considered a dirty word.

Pants-DayNewsCartoonOfTheDay

 

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In the movie “Star Trek: First Contact”,

when Picard shows Lilly she is orbiting Earth,

Australia and Papa New Guinea are clearly visible

.. But New Zealand is missing.

Australia - New Zealand

 

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Irving Berlin, who was born on 11 May 1888

and who composed three thousand songs in his lifetime,

couldn’t read music.

Irving-Berlin

 

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It is estimated that millions of trees in the world

are accidentally planted by squirrels who bury nuts

and then forget where they hid them.

 forgetful_squirrel

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Jacques Cousteau invented scuba gear

while in the French resistance during World War II

Jaques Cousteau Scuba gear

 

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The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street

were named after Bert the cop and Ernie

the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “It’s a Wonderful Life.”

Bert-and-Ernie 

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A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champange

will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top.

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It’s Monday Again, And You Know What That Means…. More Stupid Quiz Show Answers

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Hi everyone, yes it’s Monday again and time for another selection of stupid quiz show answers.

Are you depressed at the horrendous level of stupidity out there in the big wide world, or just happy that you are a lot smarter then these guys? I mean, who could ever forget “Smelly Kelly”? 

Either way I hope you enjoy today’s bunch.

 

 

 

Q: Name a time when people wake up   

A: Morning

 

 

Q: Name a sport people play by themselves      

A: Video games

 

 

Q: The state with the best beaches        

A: Los Angeles

 

 

Q: Name something a husband asks his wife to carry in her purse          

A: Condoms

 

 

Q: Name something a woman likes a man to have that begins with the letter M    

A: Makeup

 

 

Q: Name a Southern city           

A: Georgia

 

 

Q: Name a subject people discuss on their first date      

A: Sex 

 

 

Q: Name something an airline passenger might be holding during a bumpy flight

A: A lucky rabbit’s foot  

 

 

Q: Name something about Dr. Phil that comedians make fun of 

A: His contestants

 

 

Q: Name a famous Kelly           

A: Kelly “Ripka”

A: “Smelly Kelly”

 

 

Q: Name a sure cure for a hangover      

A: Making love 

 

 

Q: Name a famous Christina     

A: Christina the car

 

 

Q: Name a food with an edible skin       

A: Banana

 

 

Q: The night with the worst TV programs

A: UPN

 

 

Q: Name something you put in tea        

A: Tea bag

 

 

Q: Name a place where you might see a dead body       

A: Your house  

 

 

Q: Name a job around the house that has to be done every fall  

A: Spring cleaning

 

 

Q: An occupation considered to be un-masculine           

A: Truck driver  

 

 

Q: Name something dogs can do better than people      

A: Pee 

 

 

Q: The longest amount of time you have spent without talking to your spouse    

A: 20 minutes   

 

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